Paige Dropping Pounds

maybe I needed to find the anger

2012-02-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

So... we're 2-3 days out from the Surf City Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained enough. Let's be honest, I haven't trained ... nearly ... enough. I don't care. I know, in my gut, that I can and will finish the miles. I also know that I desperately need to do this. I can't wait. I mean, I'm scared. I know it will take a long long time and I know I will hurt. But, I know I need to do this.

My life was affected deeply by some events in early August, and I just haven't been the same since. I have a photo at a friend's wedding, on July 30th, and I know I was crazy happy then. I know that from January to July of last year, I made incredible strides in my journey, and that it all came to a crashing halt in August. Last January, I got Teddy. Last February, I started with my trainer. Last March, I went to Vegas and actually found the gym inside my hotel there. Last April, I went to Stagecoach and had energy to survive a crazy festival & got to wear clothes I liked and met hot guys & had raging self-confidence. Last May & June I dated, a lot, and had so much fun doing so. And I closed a bunch of deals and was on my way to really being happy.

I remember one afternoon walking out of my house in sporty shorts & a tank top to walk Teddy, with my hair piled on top of my head, and shades, of course, and I remember looking up at the sunshine and feeling like "Ahhh, so this is what it feels like."

And then I let it all fall apart. And THAT - is over. I know that having that medal hang around my neck is what I need to propel me into the goodness again. I often think about this concept:

"Forgiveness is accepting the fact that the past could have been any different."

I struggle with this - every single day.

And it shows in my weight. It manifests there. But I am actively working on it. I am angry.

They say there are 5 stages of grief:
1) Denial & Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I'm hanging out in anger right now. Sometimes I find myself bargaining, and sometimes it's just simple depression. But mostly, I'm angry. It sounds so simple, but I have so much rage I don't know what to do with it and so I eat it away. Sometimes I scream. The other day I screamed so much I was actually, visibly shaking when I hung up the phone. It didn't subside for a few minutes. I almost threw my phone across the room recently. Almost. I want to punch someone. No, I think I really could. I can't really picture it either but it could probably happen. I am ANGRY. At everyone & no one. At things I've allowed to happen. At actions I've taken, and not taken. I am angry at everyone who seems to want a piece of me. No, I cannot spend every single evening at dinners and drinks and coffees listening to everyone else's problems. And I am angry at everyone who calls me when they are single. Fuck you. Yep, I said it. If you can't find the time to be my friend when you are in a relationship, you don't fucking deserve me as a friend to pick up the pieces for you when you find yourself single. And yes, I am an awesome friend, and no, that does not mean you can take my friendship for granted. Because, soon, very very soon, it will be gone. Because I am finally learning how to let people go - for good. And I don't need to keep you around. You can totally dislike me for whatever reason ya got - I'm cool with that now. Like I said, I'm angry. And I pretty much don't care about your problems anymore. Miranda sums it up pretty well: "I can't carry it all, I gotta lotta troubles of my own"

But despite the rage that overwhelms me at times, I am learning to channel it to good. I am using it more in workouts. And every time I want to let it take me over, Teddy keeps me sane. I love him so much. I got him at just the perfect time in my life. He forces me to go on walks and be a normal person. He forces me to make better choices with where to spend my time, and who to share it with. And even though he's a crazy energy high jumper pup, he's so simple & good. He just wants to play!

And I am finding a way to believe in myself again. Because honestly, when I'm "in it" - I'm unstoppable. When I can actually channel my true self, and hold onto her, everything goes right, and I start losing weight. But I also start losing friends. It's very strange. I don't really know why this happens. But when I put myself first, and start getting happy, things change. And I've never dealt with that well, and so I've let my fear of change, fear of success?, hold me back.

But I am so tired of letting it win. I'm ready to fight back. Maybe I needed to find the anger. Maybe it is the fuel I need, more than anything else, to win this battle towards my ultimate happiness.

You Don't Own Me

2012-01-02T02:15:00.000-08:00

This is a DRAFT I wrote on 1 / 2or3 / 12. I'm not sure why I didn't post it then. Fear of commitment?

I've gotten a lot of AMAZING & diverse feedback about my last post. All I can say is, thank you.
_______________________________________________________

So it's technically no longer January 1st... nevertheless, I present to you, my opening 2012 remarks. ;-)

This is the deal: 365 days. 100 pounds. Daily exercise. Healthful eating. Sweating. Cooking.

Currently, I'm planning Vegas in March, Cabo in July, and Israel in December. [this has already changed...] I will be in smaller clothes than I wore to Vegas last March... or maybe I'll even pack some of the same clothes and just see them fit better. For Cabo, my only goal is a hot bathing suit. I have a full 6 months for that. And as for Israel, I have no idea what clothing will be appropriate yet or if I'll even get to go on that trip, but I do know that I would like to be able to pack light, feel comfortable, appropriate, and unconcerned about things like clothing, on a trip like that.

I know that the path to this achievement is through daily commitment. I am learning how to stay grounded in my goals - not just in weight-loss, but in life.

I am also committing to the HB Surf City Half Marathon in Feb. [Glad I'm keepin that one up!] And, the OC Half in May, along with the LB Half in October. These races culminate in some sort of special California Dreamin medal that I am totally after! But more importantly, keeping my mileage up for these races will help me get my cardio in regularly. [I'm also now thinking about a Triathlon in April, crazy, I know.]

2011 involved a lot of dating. And while I had fun and learned a lot about relationships (and myself), I'm setting that aside for now. [Maybe.] I can't deal with it. Or, I don't want to deal with it. It was a tumultuous year... I'd say that tumult started around Oct/Nov. 2010 ... and while I had some really great times, and met some really amazing people, I also experienced low's that I've never hit before [and whomever you are reading this, thinking I am talking about you... check your ego, no, I am not, in fact, talking about you] and I'm just not ready to dive back in. I think that's ok, for now. [These are the sorts of disclaimers you have to make when you let a variety of different people crush you in different ways.] What's funny to me is that I've always wanted the weight-loss, to aid in the dating confidence. And I think maybe now, I've experienced the dating confidence, and so it's much less important to me somehow. Not to say it doesn't still play a role; of course it does. They will always be intertwined for me in many ways. But somewhere along the way this year, it lost it's power over me.

I don't want to lose weight in order to "find a man." I now want to lose weight for me, myself & I, alone. And in the same way they've always been intertwined for me, now I know that finding that separation is the way I'm going to succeed.

... Finding separation is the way I'm going to succeed ...

I may have just found my theme song for the year! "You don't own me..." [I already forgot about this and am SO happy I'm posting, for THIS alone! Hahaha!]

Here's a few more I will be using as inspiration for the year:
King of Anything
Something More
Ain't Settlin'
Baggage Claim
Undo It
Tough
Dirrty
Fighter
Circus
My Prerogative
Precious Things
Playboy Mommy
Every Little Bit
Sweet Annie
Colder Weather
Whatever It Is
Because of You
I Do Not Hook Up
You Make Me Sick
Sober

[Oh, this is why I didn't post... I wasn't sure I had included all the songs I wanted to. Oh well. It's an unperfect list. A really UNperfect list...]

To borrow a frequent saying (slogan?) of local philanthropist, Justin Rudd, "Life is good, and getting better."

It's the little things

2011-12-28T14:10:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I made "gourmet" poached eggs on toast. And, I made "fancy" "homemade" ice tea. Today, I made nonfat cranberry orange muffins so that I can truly kick my Starbucks addiction & walk out the door w/ something in-hand in a pinch. Despite the fact that I'm trying to incorporate more protein into every meal... baby steps.

MORE importantly, I went back to my trainer today! I love her! She somehow makes me work harder and be more committed and I don't know HOW she does it, but she does.

And even more important than that, I made some solid career decisions today and I am just SO happy to feel like I have the right path in front of me finally.

Finally, adding just a bit more joy, I found my favorite headphones that were missing for, quite, awhile.

It's the little things... that all add up to the big things.

And I stepped on the scale

2011-12-27T23:23:00.000-08:00

I went back into Weight Watchers today and I stepped on the scale. It was not bad. I was somehow magically down.

So, I'm on track. And I think I've finally noticed that I have a pattern of taking steps forward and then halting. I stagnate. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Success? Fear of success? Fear of failure? Aversion to commitment to something? Anything? That part I haven't figured out. This is not just a problem with weightloss. In fact, I think it's just presenting itself in this form. Maybe I'll be able to conquer it through the miles.

Has anyone else seen Janet Jackson doing a Nutrisystem commercial? It's upsetting in SO many ways.

I cleaned out my fridge and came up with a recipe plan out of what I have left in my fridge, freezer & cupboards. This is becoming quite possibly my favorite thing to do -- figuring out something to make out of what I have randomly on hand. It's like a puzzle. I'll admit, when I fail, I call my mom and list off ingredients to her and she can usually come up with something amazing.

I'm both nervous and excited about the half. It's good to have a serious goal in front of me again.

A luxury A dream

2011-12-27T02:42:00.000-08:00

Oh Biggest Loser finale - how I heart thee!

I was kind of hating on that new theme song (because change is hard) until I discovered it's by Train! <3

And, I was tagged in some pix from last March that I'd never seen before:

And I was in Vegas - and I found the gym inside Mandalay Bay. Literally, I was in Vegas - and I went to the gym! I was really happy with the clothes I was wearing and how I felt in general. And I was still big even then, but better than now.

So, yesterday, I wore a top on Christmas that I'd purchased this past summer (I think from Ann Taylor) that is a little bit tight again. And I got lots of compliments - that rang hollow to me.

And I realize that the half marathon is like, soon.

In July, I told my trainer, "This is my set point. This is my lowest adult weight that I've never been able to break through." And I gave up because I didn't believe. Well, I had some minor health issues set me back, and then I used that as an excuse, to give up, entirely. And I haven't really gained much back. Really. Which is amazing to me. Because I feel FAT. But the scale's numbers are telling me: "It's not that bad..." You didn't eff it up TOO much.

So, the point is - I know I can do it. After all the excel spreadsheets of potential weight-loss, and crazy schedules of how and when to fit the workouts in, and endless healthy recipe collections, I know it is not about any of that. I mean, those things are helpful, in a way. But detrimental in others.

Mostly, I just need to decide, and CONTINUE TO BELIEVE, that I am WORTH IT! Then I need to keep working at it - no matter what.

I am going to apply to Biggest Loser Season 14. I auditioned once before and made it into local papers. And I said I'd give up that dream after I heard Jillian was leaving. But I was scared and guarded. I put down a friend's wedding as a taping conflict. I could've missed that wedding, really. And there are parts of the application where you talk about what you wouldn't want on tv... and there are some things that I think would come out of me, that I don't really want on tv. But there was a girl, who dealt with her parents and the blame of the death of one of her siblings, and after that season, I thought: if she can put that on tv, whatever the cost of loss of privacy, is worth the benefits of being on that Ranch and being able to focus your entire being to this single cause. That is a luxury. It's a dream. It's work and pain that I can't even begin to imagine but I know it'd be worth it now -- at almost any cost. Because it's your life in the end. They give you back your life. And yes, you earn it... blah blah. But really, they hold your life out to you on a silver platter and all you have to do is reach out, and hold it. If you're strong enough.

I can't wait for the new season to start on 1/3!

Oh and if that doesn't work out - because who can bank on that really - I've still got a trip to Cabo coming up on 7/5 and I WILL be wearing this amazing bathing suit I found recently! I've hung pictures of it up in my office, on my fridge, and on my bathroom mirror. It is my current mass motivation!

the damage wasn't too bad

2011-12-21T00:10:00.000-08:00

On Sunday -- I thought --

Annual Chrismukkah was today. "On a Stick" party was yesterday. I've been cooking and baking TONS o stuff! And I can't figure out if this means I'm eating less or more. I think less... but of not-so-good-for-you items.

I've had a GREAT weekend and yet I feel extremely unsettled as this Sunday evening comes to a close.

I can't quite pinpoint the source of this feeling...

I feel like I took control this year. I lost a bunch of weight from Jan/Feb up until July, and then it all went to hell and I've sort of gained it back. And so I feel like, what was the point? What was the point of all that work? All that sweat? All that pain? And putting it back on from August until now happened with minimal notice.

I made a choice - a few choices - a few really bad, and then a few really good choices, that landed me here again.

The running will make me sane again. It always does. Ready to crank on the mileage tomorrow! Bring it.

And now --

A plan is in motion. Personal training returns. Running returns. Rowing will begin. I've been eating the protein packages from starbucks, and going to subway more often. I think with all the holiday sweets around, I've been craving health and protein over sugar and sweet.

I have a half marathon training calendar in place that I am pretty amp'd about. And I google'd myself and found some fun (funny?) shots from the last half I did which was the LB Half back in '09. If I recall, I'd been obsessed with my 30th birthday and did this race about a month after it'd hit. I fall into these ruts and like to shake things up for myself by running, apparently.

My dad and I had a little heart-to-heart at our Chanukah celebration this evening (where I made the standard latkes and a non-dairy version of a noodle kugle for my mom which turned out surprisingly well) and I really am a significantly happier person when I am working out in general and, for myself and my own happiness-- I must continue to learn how to make this a priority in my life. I looked back through my photos of the year and I really was happier from say, March to July 30th. I have a marker. Brooke's wedding on July 30th is the last pic I have where I feel comfortable and happy with where I was at. Things changed in my life after that. Big things that don't belong here. And I still haven't learned how to deal with LIFE without using food to cope. But at least this time the derailment only lasted a few months, and the damage wasn't too bad, all in all.

Now if I could just keep making good choices ...

for the moment

2011-12-14T00:44:00.000-08:00

Just a few miscellaneous thoughts I had today ...

-- I really am addicted to Starbucks.

-- But also - more secretly - 7-11 - and that's a ritual ingrained from earliest childhood years that will probably get it's own post in coming weeks

-- Being honest is extremely powerful -- with parents, friends, dates, former lovers, etc.
Mostly this involves saying no. No, I do not agree with you. No, I will not live my life your way. No, I will not go out with you again. No, you cannot come over.

-- Must Run Must Run Must Run ... where is my running watch??

-- God I love The Biggest Loser marathon episode. And HOW could the producers let them run in a sand storm?

-- I'm having a bit of a career crisis lately. I made some critical decisions in that area as well.

-- Did pretty well with food and got a sprinting run in with Teddy. (He's pretty darn fast!)

All in all, a strangely emotional, yet, calm-inspiring day.

Success for the moment I'd say.

the thing

2011-12-13T00:56:00.000-08:00

Here's the thing about trying to save money (which is a task I am undertaking at the moment): it sort of lends itself to healthy eating, almost accidentally ...

This is mainly because I have been trying to stay in and cook instead of go out to eat. Of which, I do a lot. No, I mean, like, I actively try not to set foot in my kitchen, do a lot of eating out. I became slightly hyper aware of this fact when a friend of mine told me I'm one of the few people she eats out with. And I realized it may be a requirement of mine to be my friend - that you eat out with me. And I have been mildly aware of this problem for a bit now. Another item to work on...

But anyhow, I've gotten back into making coffee at home with my (purchased by-myself-for-myself) french press - in efforts to kick my (seriously problematic) Starbucks addiction. The personal ownership of my french press is very important to me and a newly conquered thing this year. I gave away my last (amazing!) french press as it was given to me by someone who needs to hold zero space in my life now. And I'd had that darn french press since probably '03 or '04, and I loved it. But it had to go. And now I am so happy every time I use the one I bought for myself this summer. It is amazing how small rituals matter so much. And as for Starbucks, well, I'm still addicted, but easing off the crack ever so slowly. I get headaches just thinking about giving it up.

I've also been trying to use up just whatever happens to be in my kitchen cupboards / fridge, and tonight I made this amazing chicken chilli, mixed with whole wheat pasta, and threw in some green beans for color and it, surprisingly, turned out really well. And I have leftovers! I never do leftovers, but I am learning to incorporate this concept into my life. I am always surprised when I throw something together and it turns out well. I can follow a recipe pretty well. Cooking improvisation is not my strong-suit -- but I'm really getting better at it and kind of proud of myself for it. The day could come when I'll think - oh - box of brownie mix - you're all I have left in my cupboards and I better make you because I'm trying to be thrifty -- as well as healthy -- and I'll just have 1 every other day or so (because I think that's healthy) but I'm pretty sure I wrote another blog post in the past about making the brownie mix up, sans eggs, and eating that alone. So, les-be-honest -- this "use up the stuff in your cupboards" plan will only take me so far. But for now, it's working.

The somewhat ironic thing to me is that, I've spent so much on "weightloss" in the past... memberships to gyms or weight watchers, etc, and training, special shakes, or various doctors and medications.
There is even HCG in my fridge right now (that I'm not taking and paranoid about, and what a wasted purchase that was because I am afraid to take it but I think it might actually help so why don't I just call my dr. and get over it, but still, I don't). I mean - it's really a profitable industry and yet...

... all it really takes is some wholesome food, and sweat.

I am always surprised

2011-12-11T22:56:00.001-08:00

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

And while I knew that was probably going to happen, and even though people actually make requests for more updates, I am always surprised when someone tells me this. Always. I don't think anyone's paying attention. "Paying attention" is a funny phrase; a lesson in value with some simple verb conjugation. And each time someone tells me he or she is reading, or someone makes a comment, I see a little bit of myself through their eyes. And I'm always prompted to go back and re-read. Sometimes I reread just a post or two. Sometimes I reread specific posts that stand out to me. But sometimes, like today, I reread as much as I can stand. And then I wondered, do people read a post or two, or read on occasion, on a whim? Have they followed the story along this whole time since I started in 2007? Or even since 2005 back when I had "the marathon" blog? And I wondered today what the story looks like as a whole, at this exact moment, if I were to read it "cover to cover" as it stands now. Because I could do that with the marathon blog. It has a start, a middle, and an end. And I really love each section of that blog... I think because I was actually chronicling a serious achievement, and chronicling something I had never done before. I thought, when I started this, it would be a way to do it again... to chronicle "my great weightloss achievement!'

[Sidenote: I just tried accessing the marathon blog for the 1st time in ages and it's gone! :( I think I printed it once in fear of this day but if anyone knows how I can save it from stupid Friendster, suggestions and tips, MUCH appreciated ... it used to be at: http://dreambig.blogs.friendster.com/my_marathon_blog/]

But there is no great achievement here. And everything here I have done, repeatedly, for many years. It seems, there is nothing new to say.

I am fat - I emotionally overeat - I am great at a finite time period of concentrated effort of nutrition & exercise, usually brought on by some sort of emotional blow - then I fall off the wagon - and repeat. It's like Groundhog's Day.

I heard Danielle Berrin speak today - about many things - but most notable to me was the notion that in trying to escape by immersing yourself in some creative process, you are actually brought face to face with what it is you are trying to escape in an even deeper and more meaningful way. She was tying this to the notion that Jews in Hollywood are now interested in rewriting the ending to events... and what does this mean? And it went further to connect the hotbed of demand for the creative talent pool in Israel, and how with less budget comes better storytelling as a craft, and that is further connected (not by Ms Berrin, but just in my mind) with Israel as a start-up nation... and I have so many business places to take that and have digressed pretty far off my point here. But the point - is - that in escaping, we are actually conquering.

And so I reread, and reread, and reread, and felt sick about the fact that I haven't yet succeeded at this. And not even that I haven't succeeded, but that I haven't seemed to internalize any of the lessons that I "discover" here. But I have.

I turned the corner when I realized that I'm just not done yet. And maybe it's naive to think there is an endpoint as well. Here, I am just trying to escape the pain of living inside of this body (that I am thankful is currently healthy). And that in trying to escape, in getting inside the pain that it is to actually undertake this, is what will actually lead me out.

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

Me too. I'm finally paying attention.

I work out

2011-12-08T14:32:00.000-08:00

So I'm currently mapping running routes in Long Beach that I'd like to do (suggestions welcome). This was one of my favorite parts of making running a priority so I'm bringin' it back!

And awhile back I bought an amazon local deal of one month unlimited rowing and I am going to start before the weekend is over. I found the class schedule so that's a step in the right direction... I'm actually really excited about the rowing for 2 reasons: 1) location #1 is walkable from my house and 2) location #2 has a view of the water. So I'm thinking I'm going to really like this. Fingers crossed.

The eating is not entirely under control, however. But vast improvements have been made.

The thing, for me, about this, is that when I'm "in it," I'm great!
I'm hardcore. I work out everyday and eat well and don't do anything else but obsess about doing this well. But I don't want to do only this right now. I have too many other things going on in my life. And so I'm trying to figure out how not to be "all or nothing" because I've been choosing "nothing" since, oh, August.

I just can't seem to kick this all-or-nothing bad habit of mine.

Come Again

2011-12-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

Wow -- the dedication in that last post, lasted about 5 days... if that.

But I always return... to the writing, the dieting, the clear-mindedness. I return to... the struggle with "all-or-nothing," the ocd-that's-not-really-ocd-but-i-wish-it-were-so-i'd-have-SOME-kind-of-exCUSE, the knowledge that even in those statements I can come off as a whiny bitch because really, what's so bad about MY life? Nothing. Truly, nothing. But obviously SOMEthing or else I'd be able to take this damn weight off for good. This is what I return to. Repeatedly. It's like a comfy couch. You know you should get up and go DO something but oh it's SO cozy and easy to sink into the cushions and take a lil' nappers.

But the point is - I have returned - to the place where I am DOING. I signed up for a half marathon the 1st weekend in February and so this means I have to return to long distance training. I really like it. I mean, I like to complain about it. But I really love it. I will never be one of those crazy people who runs marathons every month because I'm addicted to the runner's high-- which is a real thing by the way. But I could maybe get to a place where I do halfs pretty regularly.

I do have a dream to do another full marathon-- but I would only do it if I could finish it in well under 6 hours. Like, 5:30 would be a good target. But I'd have to be at a normal weight, and in great shape to do that. And the thing is - I always tell people - ANYONE can run a marathon - you JUST HAVE to WANT to. And I fully stand behind that. Because I did. I just don't WANT to do another marathon unless I know I can do it in that "reasonable" time-frame.

[Oh and I also gave up drinking for about 4 out of the 6 months I trained for it and I just don't WANT to do that either at this point.]

In any case, I digress. The point is - I have returned - to writing, to dieting (I know, I know, "lifestyle change"), to running, and frankly, to making changes and good decisions (who me?)

Here's the thing about good decisions: they suck. They hurt and they feel bad and sometimes you hurt people's feelings, and sometimes you back yourself into a corner so that your own feelings are trampled on. And for a GenX / GenY cusper who does not comprehend the concept of delayed gratification, "good" decisions seem worthless.

Except they're gold! Don't go selling your jewelry to that late night infomercial scheme just yet though. That is not a good decision - consult your financial advisor - there, my disclaimer.

I'm realizing that good decisions are gold, and they start to add up. There is a multiplier force at play. If you keep making good decisions, even if you fall and make a few bad ones along the way, as long as you continue in your quest of the good ones, the Universe rewards you.

I'm banking on that, right now.

[Expect more blogging... I'm ready to share again... better block me now before you reach the point of annoyance.] ;-)

On It

2011-08-06T14:57:00.000-07:00

July was not a great month with the weightloss. I kept up with the training but just couldn't get enough cardio in. Because it takes like an hour a day now. Religiously. To see results. At a minimum. If you can believe it. 30 minutes of cardio is nothing now.

So I have commenced the Flat Belly Diet. My diet today has consisted of mostly cornflakes, lactose-free milk, blueberries, string cheese, grape tomatoes, low-sodium turkey, oh and sunflower seeds.

This also involves no alcohol -- for about a month. G-d give me strength.

There is like a 4 day "detox" of sorts (not really a "detox" but more a "jump-start") and then a 28 day very specific meal plan.

I'm on it. Because I am at my lowest adult-life weight. The last time I was majorly successful with Weight Watchers around 23 or 24, I hit this weight and then started putting it all back on. So this is like a set-point of mine that I am trying to bust through.

So maybe doing something different to change things up will help!

I am still aiming to hit 199 by the end of the year -- but it's going to take some massive work!

everyone has to sweat.

2011-06-28T11:38:00.001-07:00

My monthly weigh-in is on Friday. I'm adding an extra training session in this week b/c I want the results to be GOOD. So far I've been down in inches and percentages, OR down on the scale, but not both. I want both this month. It may have to wait until next month but hopefully both will show this month.

I'm headed to the gym shortly. I feel like I'm not getting enough cardio in. I am. But, I feel like I'm not.

I've been wearing shorts... which is like unheard of in my world.

I had a glimpse of the girl I want to be the other day. I had a tank top & sporty shorts on, and tennis shoes, shades, and my hair piled up on top of my head. "Cute-messy-sporty" is what I'm calling the look. And I took my little pup Teddy for a walk. The sun was out. And in an instant, I felt ... "this is what it must be like..." -- to be thin -- to be happy -- to feel comfortable in your own skin -- to be healthy -- to smile up at the sunshine -- to not care what other people think -- to care what other people think and feel GOOD about what they're probably thinking -- to be thin -- to be happy.

And not that I am thin yet by any means. But I know I CAN be now. And I know I WILL be. And I can wear clothes I couldn't just a few short months ago. And I feel happy going for a walk, instead of sluggish and tired and fat.

More importantly, I had no idea that I'd been craving to know what that feeling was. But I was. Forever it feels like.

I think I might write a book one day; it could be all about how to find your happiness through sweat. Not everyone has to get a puppy. :) But everyone has to sweat. (Dont' fret, I'll be sure to include a chapter about proper skincare.)

Back by popular demand

2011-06-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently a few of your actually like reading my updates & so to appease the requests being made-- here's a quick update for y'all! :)

I'm down approx 30lbs. I have a goal of being at 199lbs by 12/31/10... which I think is totally realistic & do-able.

I have since purchased & worn "normal" clothes at Anth, WHBM, & Ann Taylor Loft.

My trainer is amazing. My eating habits still leave something to be desired and I could always be getting more cardio in.

I can run again. Really run. I like to run to Britney Pandora, mostly.

It's really fun to shop for more than just purses, shoes, make-up & accessories. I love not being held hostage to those items alone now. There are still new fashion horizons to discover though.

People have noticed. (Thank you.) Which is great but also sometimes surprising & strangely embarassing. Not really, but in some small little place it is, somewhat.

I've been dating... not interested in any one person in particular currently but now I love picking out an outfit to go out on a date. Who KNEW that THAT could be fun? Not this girl. Never before. But now it is.

I am about 8-10lbs away from my lowest point of my adult life ever. I may hit that at my next weigh-in at the end of the month. That would be nuts. I worry about pushing thru that threshold. I remember I had walked to that Weight Watcher meeting from my old apartment near Overland & S.M. Blvd... and THAT feels like a lifetime ago. I was 22 or 23.

I'm older. Hopefully, I'm wiser too.

What Would You Attempt To Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

2011-01-14T15:11:00.000-08:00

What's up 2011? :)

I'm ready to bring it - finally.

Personal training starts on Tuesday and I'm spending my Friday night at the gym.

My weight has little to do with food and exercise. It has everything to do with not having an emotional handle on a few issues I won't go into here except to say that I'm done.

I've resolved all outstanding personal issues weighing on me - literally.

I can't being to explain how free I finally feel. They key has been to face everything. To examine. To live with it all. To own it. Owning it, is going to allow me to bring it. A little bit of therapy never hurt anyone.

I want to be able to shop at Anthropologie, and White House Black Market, and Ann Taylor! And I want to buy their clothes - not just their bags & shoes. I want to not be forced into obsession with make-up because I simply can't be interested in the clothes.

I am obsessed with shows like The Biggest Loser and I Used to be Fat. I want to feel pretty and healthy. I want to feel normal. I want to sit in a seat at a movie theater on a date and not have that be the most self-conscious moment of the night.

I want to go on a "tour of jacuzzi's" like I did last summer and wear a normal fun bathing suit from a trendy local boutique - not one that has a skirt attached to hide the fat. I want to be able to take photos with my friends and not hide in the back or think about what angle this shot is coming from and how best to camoflague the fat. I want to stop HIDING.

I want to be normal-- and awesome.

And so it's time. The hard work begins again. This time does somehow feel different. They all have in the past in some way of course. You always think- I can do this. And then you fail anyway because you weren't prepared for the long haul. But I've got the tools in place to not relapse now. And the things that have always set me back in the past - the things embroiled in emotional turmoil - well they're not something I have to stuff down with food anymore.

My knee jerk reactions probably haven't changed yet... but I know better. And it will be ok.

It's going to be like the marathon. I'm going to live thru the pain until I've achieved what I set out to do. I know how. It's time to JUST DO IT.

There will be more updates - more of a chronicle-ing of the training and the process. Maybe shorter. Maybe longer. I'm not sure yet. But I do know that I want proof of what I'm going to go through to do this. It's going to be nuts. But I'm going to do it!

I feel suddenly free

2010-11-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

More Biggest Loser viewing... makeover week. My favorite, I must admit. So inspiring to watch these transformations take place.

Things have seemed to be in spiral for me since last Friday. Fantasies have been blown apart. Dreams died. I feel like those are dramatic statements, but also true. Then the holiday hit. But... I know everything happens for a reason and I think I've just created the space in my life to make the changes I've been rolling around in my head.

Some doors were quietly closed on me. And others, I slammed shut myself. There's that saying about how when a door closes, a window opens, or something like that... maybe I believe that, maybe I doubt it. Maybe it's something people tell themselves to feel better when they lose. Or maybe it's just another way to think about change because it reflects the truth of life-- and it's ultimate transitory nature.

Mainly, I feel suddenly free. And instead of it being overwhelming and causing me to derail-- it's creating a sense of calm, determination, will.

I might fail... but that's ok. And that permission, is all I need today.

It must be something about November...

2010-11-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

It must be something about November... somehow my motivation appears in this month. It's a couple months post birthday, with some time in front of me before New Year's. These are big markers in my head for many reasons... birthday, and new year's. My last post was in November '09 ... I did a detox that helped me lose weight and made me feel great! I'm currently watching a Biggest Loser marathon from my ever so helpful DVR. Every time I'm re-motivated, I think "this time will be different" -- but even that's the same. The very same, every time.

There are too many things that I've finally admitted to myself that I want - desperately - for my life, that the weight is holding me back from. Even that's wrong. The weight is an excuse. I keep the weight around as something to hold onto, to blame for the things I want, that I don't have.

I know what to do and how to do it and how hard I need to work at it and what to eat and how to work out and I continue to just. not. do. it. I fall into in-action during personal stress. What is ironic to me is that professionally, I do the opposite. Stress in the office? A flurry of action ensues... lead by professional confidence. I lack the confidence to act, personally.

Years of being the best friend of the hot girl all the guys want to date. Years of shopping for clothes in non regular stores. Cute, nice, awful, fat girl stores. Years of not really fitting into seats at movie theaters, or on planes. Years of dressing in layers to camouflage the spare tire around my waist.

And what continues to be amazing to me is that - I've run a marathon. I set down my pride and got dirty and disgusting and showed the fat in order to accomplish this goal. I gave up drinking, smoking. I set a schedule and got the proper amount of sleep almost every single night because I knew I would need it on a long run on the weekend. I gave up almost every single vice I've got (barring things like, carbs, those were still allowed). And I committed to a running schedule that I stuck to religiously, in order to do the miles, and get that medal, and yet, I won't do those things... to have the things I really want-- way more than some medal. WAY more than some medal.

I somehow need to figure out that I don't have to give up a social life, entirely, to also be healthy. Because right now I feel the need to cut everyone and everything off again, so that I can do this. THIS is what I don't know how to do -- balance.

I hate the people that this is effortless for. I hate people who don't have this problem. I feel the need to disassociate. I feel a distinct difference from people when I start getting successful at this. And maybe it's a reaction to me, feeling differently. But it is not in my head-- people are different when I start getting successful at this. And I don't know how to handle that. And it leads me to inaction. That's my gut instinct. But I really do hate you if you've never struggled with your weight. It is, exhausting. And devastating.

But I'm 31 now, and I've accomplished some amazing goals for myself this year. And it's time to do this. There is no tomorrow. Too many people are gone. The crappy, materialistic, inconsequential and selfish reasons for wanting the weight gone, are nothing, compared to the legitimate health reasons this MUST be done TODAY.

I went to the hermosa beach 24 hr fitness on Saturday and my head was not in the game. I mean- at least I went. But I needed an iPod with the zone programmed into it. And I needed for there not to be a million muscle men there... one of which I may or may not have "dated" ... unconfirmed. And I needed to have left my phone in the car so I was not distracted with work.

I need to make time for myself. Say no to the things that I know will be bad news for this goal. And I need to find a way for it to be different this time...

I've never liked Vogue

2009-11-09T09:05:00.000-08:00

The half marathon was almost a month ago. I haven't signed up for my next race- but I will soon... I'm debating Huntington or OC... Feb or May... My LB medal is hanging on the corner of my television. Sometimes I don't even see it. Other times- I stop and stare.

I cut out a bikini model from Vogue. I've never liked Vogue. Which is strange-- almost every female I know can't help but be engrossed in it. Or at least - like thumbing through it. Not me. I never have. Never. But I bought one at the grocery store last night. I figured out I've never liked it because I never thought I could have ANYTHING in that magazine. Not the clothes, not the shoes. And not the style. Because when you're fat-- you don't even want to dream about those things. You just know you can't have them. And that is easier than wanting. But I've put this bikini model up on my fridge and I don't hate it. For once, I don't hate it. I'm inspired by it and I think I CAN have that.

I'm "detox'ing" right now. It's Dr.-supervised :) Don't worry. I have my own little version of Private Practice. I feel amazing on it. I'm not hungry at ALL. The only hard part is balancing my social life. Detox consists of 2 protein/fruit shakes a day. Unlimited fruits & veggies. Lean meat every three days. (I've been making these amazing turkey burgers for that! Sooo good! And all-natural supplements. I heart detox. Really. I feel so good. I've been telling all my friends detox is over on 11/20- and we're going OUT. But I'm kind of even afraid of that now, I like it that much. Don't get me wrong. I still can't wait to have an amazing cocktail that evening. But that's the thing- it will have to be A M A Z I N G for it to be worth it to me now.

I lost 7 lbs last week... and I should have an even higher number this week on detox. WooHoo! I've met w/ a few dr's and/or nutritionists / wellness peeps and I really believe at this point- with sincere and steady commitment, I can reach my goals within 6-8 months. I put the total and complete weightloss at a year on the outside. And that is so inspiring and motivating for me. I don't have to see the finish line, but I do need know it's going to come. That matters a lot. Having an internal clock for the future- helps the now- significantly!

I'm determined. And not settling.

"...I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah

...With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Change her mind and change her world

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."

~Sugarland

good or bad- it will be changed by the miles.

2009-10-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

So, in about 8 hours, I will be crossing the start line for the Long Beach Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained nearly hard or long enough. But I know I will be fine. B/c I've done it before. And I get thru everything these days thinking "I've survived a marathon, I can get thru THIS."

I've been entrenched in race day preparations. Setting the watch, pinning the race bib, attaching the shoe timer/chip, carb loading, setting out the sunscreen & body glide, charging the ipod, & chugging water. I forgot. It all came back to me in a flash, but I forgot the person I was when I was doing serious marathon training. Staying in on Friday or Saturday nights, and that being totally ok- and great even. Knowing that a whole world of fun was going on outside my mileage prep bubble, and not caring in the slightest. I know how to be, and very much like, this girl. But I forgot.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I mean, I know it. Let's be real. 13.1 ain't a stroll in the park. But I can do it. And that's why I need to write this down now. Because tomorrow I'm going to think something entirely different, good or bad, it will be changed by the miles.

If I need to register for a half marathon every couple of months to keep myself in this world, then that's what I'm going to do. Because I remember when I ran 8 miles EVERY Saturday as a *maintenance* run when I wasn't doing a long run. I used to call 8 an easy breezy run. And it was! I want that back.

One day I want to actually be able to wear the race t-shirt TO the race and have it fit AND look good. Right now, it just fits. Which, is more than I used to be able to say actually.

I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping already but I can't. I will- soon- but not yet. Right now I want to capture this moment of anticipation. This moment of knowing I can do it. Everything I read back in '05 said it is very difficult to lose weight when you're training for your first marathon. But that day is over and now I want to do manageable distances, consistently.

I like this moment, and this person. I want to convert this into energy and use it for the weightloss battle. I want to keep running off the pounds. Goals and events like this keep me IN it.

I know I can

2009-10-07T00:32:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how quickly I start looking at and thinking "big picture." I have problems with the whole tree vs forest metaphor. In a given moment, I can only see the trees. I can only see the food right in front of me and I don't feel like I make good choices in those given moments. But left alone to my own devices with food and exercise off the table, I start thinking in terms of grandiose goals and projects for myself. And ONE day I am going to learn that this is my demise!

The Focus: November 1st. That is all. 10 lbs. That is all.

Today:
Breakfast, er, lunch really - organic waffle, greek yogurt w/ agave & blueberries on top
Dinner @ Bodega: hummus & pita, chopped salad, 2 glasses white wine

I'm pretty sure I stayed well w/in my calorie targets but I don't think this day went out super nutritionally.

I need to get better at eating every 4 hours.

Actually, before 11/1, I really just need to focus on the race on Sunday. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained hard enough-- but I KNOW I can DO it.

Because my body will forgive me, but my mind never will.

And I remember now that I can do this... keeping things simple

2009-10-05T14:27:00.001-07:00

The blog is back! Many of you have asked me what's going on w/ the weightloss and the blogging. I stopped for awhile, initially because I was freaked out about my personal life being archived on the web for eternity. And I still am. So I may do some editing and censoring, but we'll see how it goes.

I reviewed my initial post - almost exactly 2 years ago. And I remember now that I can do this. I was losing weight pretty steadily then from November 07 to March 08... and then I started playing kickball again in Huntington and it somehow all went to hell.

Now, I don't think kickball was the prob. I think the lifestyle I chose (/choose) to lead when I'm playing kickball IS the problem.

So- I am becoming a hermit again. As much as I can possibly stand. Fall seems to be a good time for me to keep these things in check.

Also- the long beach half marathon is Sunday. I've done LITTLE training for this but I am DETERMINED to finish even if my body hates me for it. I did 26.2 once upon a time... I can conjure up the will. I will!

I will turn 31 on September 1st, 2010 which is a Wednesday. And USC plays at Hawaii that following Labor Day weekend. I dream of a trip to that game, actually being able to fit WELL into CUTE 'sc game attire... and a hot bathing suit for Hawaii beaches.

I am also in a wedding on Feb. 13th and will have another bridesmaid dress to parade in, so that should provide ample motivation as well

But instead of making crazy year long goals of hundreds of pounds... I am keeping things simple. 10 lbs in 1 month. My goal is to drop 10 lbs by November 1st, 2009.

And that is ALL I am going to focus on-- nothing else. I will not look beyond Nov 1st and I think everything's gonna be ok.

prison

2009-07-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe the point is not to do something crazy... maybe the point is to ingrain the little things into everyday life.

Or... I could go to The Biggest Loser Audition on Saturday...

God. I could run a marathon- with the weight....

Imagine what I could do if I could just drop it. Just set it down. Just let it go.

If I could run a marathon ... why can't I seem to do THIS?

It was a public commitment. It was for a cause. It had a finite time limit.

Have I given up? I keep seeing these previews for "more to love" and I think about how reality tv is catching up to reality... (ya ya, i know, but you see my point). I think to myself- I should be on that show... but I don't WANT to be on THAT show.

I want to find love because I'm truly happy with myself. And I'm not- with this weight. So it must wait. And I am putting my whole life on hold. My whole, entire, life. Everything waits.

Someday- someday when I'm thin. Someday when I can wear the clothes I want. Someday when I don't struggle EVERY day to figure how to camouflage the fat, and the prison it represents.

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the one time I started to achieve things I really wanted at the end of high school was when I was taking phen-fen. I remember the outfit I wore on my 17th birthday, exactly. It's the tiniest outfit I've ever owned in my entire life.

I'm very very very close to actually considering surgical options. Almost. I really don't want to. But my 30th birthday is almost exactly one month away and I am miserable because I am already dreading the photos. Already.

And despite the misery over it - I can't seem to effect change. I hold myself in prison. And nothing seems to matter.

I went BACK to weight watchers today. I have a weightloss history on their books dating back to 2002. How different would my life be right now if I'd taken the time to figure this out then?

I had the discipline to do that freaking marathon... somewhere within me I will find the strength to do this... now...

the urgency

2009-05-31T19:06:00.001-07:00

I have about 4 drafts of posts I've written over the last couple months. I couldn't click "publish post." I think this is mainly b/c it was extensively "stream of consciousness" writing-- though that's never stopped me before... So maybe I don't really know why I didn't publish them. Maybe I just wasn't ready.

In any case-- people have been asking about the blog and where I am at with it all. The answer to that is that I've gotten everywhere- and nowhere- all at once.

I am at a standstill on any actual concrete losses. I've fluctuated in my weight watcher attendance, and in my weight. But mentally, I've shifted.

I feel desperation settling in the pit of my overly large stomach.

Back in Nov. '06 when I started this blog and was actually pretty successful at taking some of the weight off... I was desperate then too. It's a feeling unlike anything I can truly describe. It's the knowing, with absolute certainty, that if something is not done NOW, I might die, soon. And I will definitely be miserable leading up to that day. It's the feeling of not being good enough. And it feels disgusting. Because in the end, this life or death feeling can be conquered. It doesn't have to be that. It's not an uncontrollable illness (at least not in the traditional sense). And it should be something that can be conquered. It should be.

That anxiousness is starting to take hold again. The urgency. The self-disgust that propels into action instead of paralyzing into stillness. I will not be sedentary. I refuse.

I've hired a trainer. So what?
I'm following Weight Watchers. And?

It doesn't seem like any of the proactive steps I've taken are helping. And I think it's because I'm just going through the motions.

I need to be working out 2-4 hours/day. 2 in the a.m. and 2 at night.
I need to not just be watching "points" but food's nutritional value and timing and metabolism.
I need to be doing MORE.

I am not doing enough to effect change. I'm going to have to become a hermit again for a little while. That's the only way I know how to do this successfully. I cannot be in control of this and be social. I cannot meet you for dinner, or lunch. I cannot set foot in a bar. I do not know how to be a normal person AND succeed at this at the same time.

I tossed out old and crappy food & will soon be visiting Trader Joe's to stock up on healthiness.
I will be at the gym at 6am tomorrow. I'm back to going public w/ my quest because lord knows I can only use more accountability. I hate it, but I need it.

Starting again. Ugh. I've done it a million times. I still refuse to give up.

I feel determined. I may even apply to the Biggest Loser show. Really, I just might. Because I don't want to have surgery. I don't want the lapband, nor gastric bypass, nor do I think I'm going to be able to do this thru any "normal" means anymore.

I'm going to have to do something CRAZY! And I'm going to do it-- I just haven't figured out what "it" is yet...

2008: A Year of Fluctuation

2009-04-05T23:24:00.000-07:00

revealed or not

2009-03-28T14:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted to lose 3 lbs this week. I didn't. I lost 1.4lbs. I'm ok with it. I am headed in the right direction again, finally.

I just ate a red velvet cupcake that calorieking.com tells me works out to about 12 points. Oops. I'm just going to have to make a huge lovely salad for dinner tonight, and maybe go for a walk, to help out w/ that.

I have aspirations to get the eating under real control again in the next few weeks and then kick up the exercise. A trainer might be in order - for real. Hehe.

This is a lifelong business and I just can't expect it to magically happen overnight... but at the same time I can't use that as an excuse to fall off the food/exercise wagon.

I'm in overhaul mode -which I do. I get into these modes periodically and determine to reform my life to make it match the picture in my head.

"There's only us- There's only this- Forget regret- or life is yours to miss." ~Rent

I have to get over all the time I've lived as a fat girl. It doesn't mean I must be a fat girl forever. It just seems that way.

I sit in Portfolio Coffee House right now (the provider of the evil red velvet cupcake) but also the provider of this new fave fab green iced tea (seriously- it's SO good) ... and I am listening to "I'm coming up - I want the world to know - Got to let it show"

Every moment has it's purpose, revealed or not.

believing ~ needing ~ not giving up

2009-03-22T14:40:00.001-07:00

I went back to Weight Watchers today.

I've had an iced triple grande nonfat latte w/ splenda, and a croissant. That's about 14 points. I used to get about 30-33 points in a day... I'll have to recalculate...

I have TONS of healthy stuff in my house that I plan to make for dinner tonight... I will not eat fast food! I will not I will not I will not.

Also- and this is going to sound ridiculous... but I'm going to be able to exercise more b/c I've found I can actually wear my hair curly and not straighten. I know that seems like a feeble excuse but you just have NO idea how much work it is to straighten my hair. Even if you think you know- you do not. And so having found a way to go curly and not hate it is actually going to improve my work out motivation. I know that seems nuts but it's actually a HUGE deal and I'm so happy about it.

Last March, I'd lost almost 30 lbs and had reached my 10 % weightloss goal. Most of that weight is back so I'll be focusing on my 5% goal first... 14 lbs.

The 1st week back is usually great - I could, in theory lose 5 lbs this week if I'm really good about it. And I plan to be. So, from there out, if I work out AND watch the eating, I can do about 2lbs/week. I'm looking at about 6 weeks here to hit this goal. IF I kick my own ass. Playing this game is dangerous. It sets up expectations. But I'm about 2 months away from a wedding & bachelorette party in Vegas to attend... and about 5months out from my 30th birthday. So god help me, I am DOING this NOW!

The other thing is that I might have to stop drinking, period. I'm not sure I can eliminate this aspect of my life entirely right now. Right now I'm looking at a once/week rule. Counting the points in alcohol just isn't enough. It somehow makes your body hang on to the fat. It makes working out harder. It leads to more smoking which is also awful. So... once/week. That's it.

I'm thinking about a run/walk every morning. And I'm thinking about doing the LB Half Marathon in October. I listen to my body and I hear it laughing at me. I don't know how I ever ran a marathon but I am immensely thankful I did that because it allows my brain to believe that I can do ANYTHING. And I need that right now. I need to hold on to the belief that I can push myself into normal sized clothing. And that marathon is maybe the only thing giving that to me right now.

I took a year off from watching the food & exercise. Ultimately. And so I start again. Like so many other times. I can't even tell you how this time is different. But I won't give up on myself.

must

2009-02-16T07:37:00.000-08:00

This was a draft on 2/16, after I barely completed Bootcamp... a month later I'm ready to publish because I know what's coming next now...

***

Alright. Bootcamp is over. I stuck it out - mostly. But I don't think its totally for me. Maybe I just didn't click w/ the trainers. Or maybe I just hate push-ups. I did LUV the "hill" days where we had to run signal hill so I might go torture myself on my own sometimes when I want a hard run... which, when is that? But- you get the idea.

I am looking into personal training. I get bored. I have exercise ADD. I can't keep doing the same thing. I might go back to Pilates - both at 24 hr fitness & at the JCC.

I think time at the JCC would be good for me (no commentary from those of you who are haters- you know who you are). ... And it would be good for me to wear some Beach Equities stuff in the gym there. Overall, it'd be good for business. I'd totally be that girl- but maybe I am her. Eh, even I can't buy that. For those of you unfamiliar w/ the JCC - its just a *whole* lotta social politics. I have a luv-hate relationship w/ "the center" but... they have a really great gym.

I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers- but I think maybe I should. I'm not really that great at holding myself accountable.

I want to be independently wealthy so I can have a trainer, a nutritionist/chef, and a housekeeper. Alright - only 2 out of 3 are weightloss related but a girl can dream. But you know- even having the chef would not really problem-solve for me.

I LIKE TO GO OUT! I hate staying home period - so I hate staying home for meals.
This is ironic for me to type after making a lovely breakfast for myself, sipping my delish hazelnut coffee, while I stay in on my couch and out of the rain- not leaving my house. But this is not the norm.

I feel like I think and say the same things over and over and over and over again.
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry
And again~
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry.

Must find husband...

I think they are all connected and I won't touch any of them w/ a 10 foot pole if I can help it.
I hate doing laundry b/c if I have clean clothes and "don't have anything to wear" then it's my fault. The clothes, connected to the weight, connected to the health- and the confidence necessary to develop a great relationship... to not having that confidence... to sitting on my couch not doing laundry. Ahh the cycle.

I do everything for everybody else. I'm tired of working to please everyone else (except my clients - I still want to please them) :)

[This is where the contemplation trailed off and I got back to work...]

day 1 down...

2009-01-05T11:16:00.001-08:00

I survived day 1 of bootcamp this a.m.
I have a smoker hacking cough.
I'm quitting. Even though I kind of want a cigarette even as I type that.
I'm quitting. For good.

I made a smoothie, and coffee. I will eat every 4 hours or so. And I will not make crazy rules for myself. I will just do the best I can.

I joined their weightloss challenge. $20 into the pot. $2 per lb gained. It works like biggest loser - the person w/ the highest % of weight lost wins the pot - or the top 6 ppl do or something like that.

Dude- I am totally going to WIN this shit. Nothing like a little competition to motivate!

I'm going to be sore tomorrow... and there is a "hill" day looming up on signal hill... talk to me then.

this time around

2009-01-04T13:22:00.000-08:00

Well the time has come to get back on the wagon. I'm about a net 10 lbs down from when I started LAST Thanksgiving... when I started... when I started trying... when I started admitting... when I started caring, or admitting that care... when I started wanting, badly, enough... to take action.

And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.

If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.

The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.

That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.

But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.

It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.

I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.

But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.

The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)

I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.

Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.

I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.

I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...

the scale will tell

2008-10-31T00:08:00.001-07:00

I'm weighing in tomorrow instead of Saturday... I went to pilates monday & today. I've stuck to my points... but not *super* carefully. There was definitely a purchase of a twix bar - but I counted it. We'll see. I don't "feel" like I've lost this week.

But the scale will tell...

the week I am living in

2008-10-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

I made my 2 point coffee (soy creamer + 1tbsp of honey). I made my 1 point english muffin w/ faux butter spray. I had organic soy cream- and spray butter... maybe the organic healthy-ness and the chemicals are a wash? Maybe? :) I hope.

I am having a biz lunch at my ol' stomping grounds of Bonjour Bagels in Los Al. I will be having the Americana - turkey on an 'everything' bagel. So delish. And then b/c of that, I will need to have a salad for dinner.

There are no pilates classes anywhere on a Friday. I felt this last week but I didn't confirm it to be totally true until last night. I'm sort of getting hooked on pilates. I suck at it- but I really like it. And I feel AMAZING after each class. The class I went to last night was at the huntington 24hr, which I don't normally go to. It was a different instructor and ALL kinds of hard. No wonder I never went back last time I tried it a few yrs back. Anyhow, for now I am fine w/ my low budget pilates. And I should probably get to a point where I am doing more cardio also. But I kind of want like a Pilates trainer and to go to a strictly pilates/yoga studio and become one of 'those' people. Ha. I soooo, am not. But I could be.

Once I GET thin- or maybe once I hit a certain goal mark yet to be determined, I will make that my reward. Wouldn't that be so healthy? An exercise reward. Good god, what am I saying? :)

In any case, I am back to chronicling my healthy habits I am instilling in myself. When I started this I noted, "I write to hold myself accountable." And let me tell you, when I'm not writing about what I am doing- I'm a trainwreck of dieting disaster. So it's good. I'm back on track. I like it. I'm not going crazy with timelines and goals... yet. It's enough to just focus on losing in the one week I am living in today.

crucial

2008-10-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

I'm turning it around- slowly but surely. Out of the darkness.

I lost 2.2 lbs last week. I believe I'm on track to lose another two at my weigh-in with Weight Watchers on Saturday a.m.

I'm in control. And I care again.

Crucial to my success:
- Making coffee @ home to keep me out of starbucks
- 2-3 point muffins
- 100 cal english muffins
- crystal light
- http://mobile.weightwatchers.com
- knowing my plans in advance
- limiting alcohol
- cooking! I'm actually doing it!

I kind of actually CAN cook- when I trust myself. Or when I do it more frequently. The more I do it- the better I get at it. :) I feel www.hipcooks.com coming on again soon.

I am really really tired of the fat photos, the fat clothes, and the fat glances from men. I'm tired of being uncomfortable.

And at this point- almost a year later - having lost about half of my original success - I'm really unclear on just what it is going to take for me to finally take the weight off. Because it's not about not knowing how... it's completely an emotional response and buffering from the world.

I'm most miserable in the summer - b/c it's bathing suit season.
But I get happy again when fall comes. I like the colder weather- and more covered clothing to go with it.

I'm learning that I don't stand up for myself... on so many levels... and that must stop- in order for this endeavor, and me, to succeed!

Oh healthy day

2008-10-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

10.13.08

So... I am off my starbucks addiction- not my caffeine addiction- but my starbucks addiction.
I made 2 point apple cinnamon muffins for breakfast. I made coffee at home.
I am going to Pilates at 7pm tonight.
I did the Long Beach 5k yesterday. I need new shoes.
I am going to do the Dana Point 10k on Thanksgiving.
And the Surf City Half Marathon on February 1st.

My house is clean. More importantly, my kitchen is clean. My fridge is empty but my pantry is stocked. I just need things like milk...

finding motivation

2008-09-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

On the list of my super priorities in life- or, in each individual day- I just can't seem to make myself go to the gym. I can't find clean work out clothes- or socks - or even my tennis shoes right now. I have no idea where they are.

My couch has never felt more comfy. I work from it w/ my laptop. I watch tv on it. I even sleep on it occasionally. Alright alright- the last 3 nights. I know!

I need to sign up for a trainer. I need to JUST go for a walk. Oh b/c ALSO- I'm supposed to do the Long Beach Half Marathon in a week and a half and haven't run in probably more than 2 months. I keep waking up thinking- today I will do an 8miler test run to see if I can still pull it off. Instead I put it off. I'm so feeble. Who thinks they can do 13.1 miles without training? Who does that? No one. Well, maybe some Kenyans. But they probably CAN.

I would like to be independently wealthy so that I can have a chef, trainer, and maid. Ahh that would be the life. :)

changing... slowly...

2008-09-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am tracking my points. I am signing up for a personal trainer at 24 hour fitness. I WILL keep doing this... because life is short, and I want to enjoy it, more. In the moment... and for a longer period of time...

I made crystal light- and did my dishes. And I have lean cuisines and smart ones in my freezer to keep me on track.

I bought stuff for a salad yesterday, and made it last night... and I will make it again.

Because I think I need to eat a salad a day... and maybe an apple a day as well.

Little changes. Little changes. I must commit to them.

somehow

2008-09-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

My eating still isn't under control. And I'm not exercising. But here's the thing- I'm not going out. I'm working hard and keeping a regular schedule. This past weekend was insanely busy- and crazy fun. And I became immensely aware of how I operate on a regular basis. I let other people have control - for a variety of fears and anxiety and people-pleaser tendencies.

I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.

It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.

I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.

The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.

It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.

I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.

I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.

Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.

Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.

Somehow.

the wait, the want, the will

2008-09-08T15:44:00.001-07:00

I attended a Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday. Then I went to a big fat greek party.
I ordered a pizza on Sunday - with cinnamon sticks. I also had about 3 coke zeros.
Today I've had a croissant, a pastry, a starbucks coffee and a peet's iced tea.

I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I'm definitely addicted to the habits of interaction that are the anonymity of coffee & tea establishments.

I'm really considering more greek food for dinner + pinkberry.

What I need to do is clean my kitchen and go grocery shopping. I need to clean up my apartment- b/c when its messy, I am lazy. I need to stock my house with the fuel I need to continue the good efforts, instead of fall into the bad, of take-out, and laziness.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

No- that's not a glitch.

I need to go running!

I need to buy this flat iron called "the croc" so I can easily get my hair to go from damp, to straight. My old one broke... and seriously- I can't deny- this is something hindering me from working out. Straightening my hair is SUCH a bitch, but I hate it otherwise... so I avoid working out- so the straightness can last longer. I need to just buy that damn iron again- despite the cost. So I am happy.

I need to go back to 24Lift ...

I am signed up for the LB Half Marathon on 10/12 and god help me but I'm going to do it. Some way- some how. I think I've forgotten how hard 13.1 can be when you're not doing an easy 8 on a regular basis. Where is my running watch? And I need to replace the battery...

I just keep refusing to take ACTION with the things I know I need to do to be successful at this...

What will happen if I'm successful? Why do I keep sabotaging it? What is wrong with me that I somehow enjoy staying in this state of hell. There has to be some payoff or I would get OUT of it already.

I don't understand... b/c I want the fab clothes... and I want the relationship... and I want the hot heels... and I want the bathing suits... and ability to sit comfortably on an airplane- or at a restaurant table. And I don't have any of those things now... and I know they are worth the work to me.

But for some reason- the comfort of the food-shoveling action is more enticing in a given moment than any of those things. And in fact, they help numb the saddness that I can't have any of those things UNTIL I lose the weight... The wait.

my silver lining of today

2008-08-28T10:25:00.000-07:00

I feel like it looks outside- grey & dreary. And part of me LOVES it. And part of me is just dreary.

I like that I can hide in a sweatshirt again.

A few days ago...
I made brownie mix ... I put water & oil into brownie mix, but no eggs... so I could just eat the mix.
I even ate some of it a day later. That's gross.

Hooked on starbucks muffins and croissants, again.

My car is clean- and, there is no food in it- and, that's my silver lining of today.

the promise... all in good time

2008-08-13T16:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't eaten the healthiest of items today... but they've all been super low in points.
I am having Fortune Cookie tonight which I am very excited about and for which I have diligently saved my points.

I revised my goals and expectations today. I made an excel spreadsheet- with formulas n everything! :) I believe I can take off the less than 10lbs to get back to my ORIGINAL 10% weight... and I believe I can hit the 2nd 10% lost by the end of the year. I also believe that I can weigh 160lbs -- my goal weight -- before the end of 2009.

I just can't fall off the wagon anymore. I'm wasting months. I really wanted to have accomplished this before my 30th birthday. I could have, but I wasted time. I still hope I can pull it off by then, but after running the most realistic of numbers, it's really going to be before the end of '09.

I know I should only be looking at today but the promise of having a new body in a little over a year makes me so happy. And I do know that I can do it- I just can't fall off the wagon anymore.

As my original WW leader Lori Fusaro often said- it has to be like brushing your teeth. You can't imagine going a day without tracking your food. It has to be that ingrained in your life that you just do it automatically without thinking.

It's the thinking right now that is making me sort of miserable about it. But I know that can be gotten over too. All in good time.

right?

2008-08-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

I ate a 2-point ice cream sandwich for breakfast... I might have 1 more and some coffee...

I'm not going to run today b/c my hair is straight and I like it that way- and straightening it might actually be more work than running.

But I'm tracking... even tho I find what I am eating completely wrong, I am writing it down... so, uh, that's good right?

right now

2008-08-11T11:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up dreaming about a croisssant at Starbucks. In, literally, the blink of an eye, I realized the sickness of my ingrained habits.

I had 3/4 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats w/ 1/2 cup of milk- all measured out. I didn't like it. And I wrote it down. I wasn't hungry after I ate it- but I didn't feel full like I do after a croissant... and I didn't get my morning interaction w/ my barista and the random strangers that I apparently adore so much.

Instead, I made bad coffee in my mobile french press mug... and 2 hours later subsequently bought an iced coffee at CBTL b/c it was next to the gas station I was at.

I had a bag of mini pretzels that luckily I was too lazy to drag out of my car from the grocery store last night so they were conveniently present for a mid-morning snack.

I am walking the walk, at least for this morning.

"If your life is going to be wedded to a slur, it might as well be a colorful one."

2008-08-10T02:50:00.000-07:00

So I read this book called Drunkard by Neil Steinberg. The cover had lime green lettering with a large ice cube and it screamed "You need to read me!" from the shelf of a Barnes & Noble and I purchased it on Friday night. I was done by 3:30pm on Saturday. It is not a thin book. It is the memoir of one man's struggle with alcoholism. But it is not just for alcoholics. It is a book for anyone facing an addiction, anyone trying to climb a mountain, anyone who is not perfect, and anyone who maybe thinks they in fact are perfect... and they've always wondered what the other side is like. I'm pretty sure that having read this book is going to be one of those important turning points in this journey for me. I can't be certain, but I have that feeling... that mattering feeling you get when you know something is important. It's not a how-to book. I like those. The lists and forms and calendars in them make me feel calm and in control. Drunkard is a tale, a chronology, a documentary. It is honest and it does not suppose to tell you there is hope for you... the only message is "This is my story" ... not to discount the actual many messages... but really, that's the bottom line.

I tell you about this book almost in the same way that the author speaks of one of his AA meetings... because its one of things that has led me to today.

I lost 3.6lbs at Weight Watchers today... I weighed in at a meeting. Alone. And I sat alone. And I listened to the ra-ra message trying to use the Olympics to inspire the members to move more- not even to exercise- but just to move. And I saw again, the way I used to think of it when I started years ago, how WeightWatchers is really similar to AA. The blessing and the curse... the blessing is that food is not physiologically as addictive as alcohol. The curse is that you can't decide to never eat again to lose weight.

And I know there are probably a bunch of recovering alcoholics who would hate that I can make this comparison b/c how can this possibly be the same.... but I'm pretty sure for me, that it is exactly the same.

A craving. Always on your mind. Where is the next drink coming from? How good will it be? And eventually it doesn't matter to the point of desperation of drinking the cooking vanilla in your kitchen cupboard. I have shoved countless amounts of shitty shitty junk food into my mouth without ever tasting it. Its not hunger. Its to feed the addiction. The loneliness and lack of rational thought leads me to the food and its never a question- of course I'm going to eat everything. B/c the fuller I can make myself feel- the less empty I seem. Its a type of numbing process that I've honed since a child.

And I'm not sure that Weight Watchers will work. But I also don't want to be one of those people to have to resort to surgery. Nor do I want to die from a stroke, or heart attack, or develop diabetes. I'm on that path. And I can't always make myself buy-in to the WW spiel. I was "on the wagon" w/ this endeavor for quite a few months- and I had some success... but I fell off the wagon, and I've been off doing some damage.

I'm finally sliding back on- I lost this week which is great but I"m more concerned with this coming week now. What will I eat? How will I avoid the bad stuff? Can I still make the right decisions if I am social? And haven't I been slowly isolating myself so that I will have no one and nothing left to do but hang out with myself and exercise and eat at home.

I'm pretty sure I am addicted to the stuffed & numbing sensation that over-eating provides me. I'm pretty sure that if I did have the surgery instead of doing this myself, I would end up a Drunkard. Because I am not someone who needs to lose 30lbs or their baby weight or their freshman 15 or 40 as the case may be. I have a lifetime of disappointment, regret, and loneliness hanging around my heart and I know how to physically get rid of the weight. Calories in and calories out.

But until I deal with why... I am never going to succeed. I can track everything I eat now- but its just the wagon. I'll keep falling off again and again until I get to the bottom of the black hole.

And the thing is- I don't really want to get to the bottom of it because its pretty scary. I wish I could go somewhere for 28 days that would detox me of my food addiction and I could come out not eating, ever. Sadly, I must eat to live and I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to make the right choices. Because I hate them. Just like the Drunkard believes he can handle 1 glass of wine that turns into a week-long bender on Jack... I find a way to rationalize whatever it is I'm putting into my mouth at any time. I have a reason for everything and I'm always starting over. Relapsing.

Isn't anyone else sick of me relapsing? No. Because I don't get dysfunctional like a drunk... instead I get fatter. So as long as I can pretend to live with that, there are no consequences, until my health collapses.

When there are no consequences, I don't change. Because I don't have to. Hell, even when there are consequences, I don't change. Because I care more to support my food binging habits that somehow make my world ok, than I do if I end up in the hospital. That may not be true deep down, but that's how I act on every single given day.

And haven't you heard...?
Beware of your thoughts for they become your actions. etc etc

The catalyst to change for the Drunkard in the book was a night in jail. The law forced him into rehab. No one is going to force me into anything over weight loss. There is no crime. There are no legal ramifications. There are mostly only serious health consequences...
those clearly aren't having any effect on my actions...

But this book, this book opened my eyes to the true nature of my habits... almost all of them... they are an addicts habits. The cravings, the needs, the price and joy in the ritual, the feeling that it my god damned right to do as I please if it makes me feel good, the shame, the disbelief at how much of a choke-hold it has on your day-to-day life, the unforeseen triggers, the unfolding hell with strict, dark, blinders on.

But it opened my eyes- and reminded me that if I am to eliminate some habits or activities or joy- that I better find something to replace it with. Hopefully I'll be willing to keep my eyes open long enough to make some real, actual, measurable, progress.

... I want not to post this right now as its 3:30am and I've had a lot of caffeine keeping me up... but even as I type, I know I'm going to anyway. Because even if its rough and needs refining and maybe some clarity... the heart of it is true and correct... and if I let it go, I'm just going to censor it down until its a funny anecdote about a book I read that maybe has some relevance to this. When the reality is, I have to post this now before I stop myself, because it's real, maybe critical. And I'm just tired enough to let it be.

one day

2008-08-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't given up. I've gone back to actually weighing-in at Weight Watcher meetings. I'm up 0.4 lbs this week from last.

I am back to tracking my food. This seems to be the key to success. Regardless of exercise, regardless of junk food or alcohol consumption, as long as I track it all, I do ok.

Today, so far, I have had a vivvanno smoothie from starbucks, and a smart ones frozen lunch of yummy quesadillas. I have 19 points left in my day and my full weekly 35 flex points to counter act any problems that may arise in sticking to my regular daily points.

I'm getting my water in, and I will have fruits and veggies at some point today too.

One day at a time. Tracking. Not giving up...

Because I hate my current pix.
Because I want to shop in normal stores.
Because I freaking said I would do this, so I am...

Even if it's slow
Even if I hate it often
Even if I have to keep living the same failures, I will keep on...

Because one day,
I will win.

The Front

2008-07-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

No, I didn't really want that job anyway.
No, I wasn't really into him anyway.
No, I didn't want to be involved in your wedding anyway.
No, I didn't really want to be invited to the party/vacation/happy-hour anyway.
No, I'm good to drive.
No, I'll meet you there.

Yes, I'll be fine, alone.

And in the single, solitary, deathly quiet moments drowned out by blasting music, frenetic speed, and swirling smoke, food is my companion.

Because there is no one else as reliable, available, and non-judgmental. The food doesn't have to care; it just has to be there. It might be the only thing I trust to show up for me.

And the connection is so addictive. I've never been able to break it. And I'm so worn out from trying, so hard, to keep failing.

...and now I am...

2008-07-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

I'm up early. I'm going to work out today. I have re-logged-into weightwatchers.com to track my points and all my crazy eating. I have not been doing that and quite honestly- that is the path to success. Even with no exercise, as long as I actually track what I eat, I do pretty well.

Since hitting my 10% -- I've put back on about half of the weight I lost. It's only taken a few weeks to a month to do the damage... and it will take many more to take it off again.

But, I. remain. committed.
No matter how I may temporarily derail, I will ultimately succeed this time around.

The next big goal is the end of summer/my bday... I would LOVE to have hit my 2nd 10% loss by then. I'm not sure I can do it, but that is the goal.

I've been sort of wallowing... keeping myself busy being upset at the weight. What I should be doing instead is literally working my ass off doing something to get rid of it.

And now I am.

getting off the hamster wheel

2008-07-06T19:33:00.000-07:00

From this past Weekend...

I bought some new clothes that made me feel better. I bought a new bathing suit, that I sort of actually like, that made me feel better. I had a fantastic weekend with friends in my new clothes and new bathing suit and I was able to forget about being fat for a little while.

Fun & friends and sunshine & sand helped it disappear from the forefront of my mind. But now, on Sunday evening, often the loneliest of the most relaxing times, I am aware that I must go back to working hard at this. And I've been aware... but I let myself slip in and out of consciousness about it... but here's the thing...(s)...

Even though I made strides recently, and I didn't deprive myself of pool and surf as I have in years past, when the guys at the party are talking about how life can't be all that bad since there are girls in bikinis around... I'm definitely not part of who they're referencing.

And even though my breasts are real, I know I'd trade them for fakes if I could get rid of the stomach fat too.

I'm reaching some kind of new level of desperation about wanting to take this weight off... and it's hindering me from actually doing so. In the simplest of terms, it's a mind-fuck. Damned from every angle. Deprivation of fun things like new clothes has not worked. Reward of fun things has not worked. All the games and tricks I play in order to find a way to force myself into doing this for me, are backfiring.

I have committed to Alli (not myself- someone else) that I will do the LB Half Marathon. I have wanted to do it for ages. And I am going to do it. But I don't want to do my laundry so that I'll have clean work-out clothes. And I've stared at the Runners High store sign on 2nd st. so many times, but have yet to go in and get new shoes. And I've aspired every day to get up and go exercise, and I haven't done it. [editorial note: this has since changed. i went for a 2-3 mile run/walk on tuesday]

I've been reminiscing about the days of the marathon when I gave up smoking and drinks of any kind... and I took on the miles instead. And I did it for charity. And that made all the difference. B/c apparently I'll do shit for someone else-- just not myself.

I feel like I am saying the same things over and over and not doing. Not doing. Not doing.

I found a Long Beach Bootcamp. And this running group called EZ8. And I have access to a million classes through 24hr fitness. I didn't sign up for Boot camp. Nor the EZ8 b/c I don't really believe I can run an 8min mile. I'm in research mode. Instead of action mode.

I'm a little sunburned. But at least I soaked up a lot of sunshine Vitamin D. And I am generally pretty happy w/ where I am. Despite my ranting here.

I am happy that I'm in a position to try all sorts of stuff. I may keep changing my mind about how or what or who is going to help me in this weight loss journey... but at least I am in a position where I can afford to keep trying new things. Selecting, and rejecting.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy. So I feel like I'm coming through the end of a rough patch about it. I have a ton of issues w/ the weight... and with what that means in this society. And my feelings on these issues are always going to be complex-- even once I get rid of the weight.

So I'm figuring out how to utilize this to keep moving forward instead of letting it keep me on the perpetual hamster wheel to nowhere.

an excerpt from the NY times

2008-07-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

"... [N]ew research suggests that the environment that most strongly influences body composition may be the very first one anybody experiences: the womb.
According to several animal studies, conditions during pregnancy, including the mother’s diet, may determine how fat the offspring are as adults. Human studies have shown that women who eat little in pregnancy, surprisingly, more often have children who grow into fat adults. More than a dozen studies have found that children are more likely to be fat if their mothers smoke during pregnancy.

The research is just beginning, true, but already it has upended some hoary myths about dieting. The body establishes its optimal weight early on, perhaps even before birth, and defends it vigorously through adulthood. As a result, weight control is difficult for most of us. And obesity, the terrible new epidemic of the developed world, is almost impossible to cure."

from:
Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Health Guide
http://health.nytimes.com/ref/health/healthguide/esn-obesity-ess.html

My old mantra: your body will forgive you; your mind never will.

2008-06-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

So, I have determined... the efforts must be increased if I am going to see the success I want. Shortly, I am taking myself on a walk in Belmont. I believe I have a full afternoon and evening of work ahead of me, so I am taking this a.m. time to do what I need to do for my health. There will be a walk, and then there will be tea (no croissant) and journaling at Peet's Coffee on 2nd St. This is my plan.

I'm thinking about a personal trainer. I'm not really sure about the cost. It seems slightly outrageous. But then again, I'm trying to put it into perspective. These dollars spent now to help me in this effort are likely going to prevent me from having more serious health problems in the future, that will also cost $. Like major surgery kinds of $. So really, I'm saving myself money in the long-run. I hope you enjoy the rationalization... I put a lot of effort into coming up with it. ;)

Additionally... I put together my running schedule for the LB Half... at least, the "long-run" schedule...

July:
06th 2miles
13th 3miles
20th 4miles
27th 5miles
Aug:
03rd 6miles
10th 8miles
17th 4miles
24th 10miles
31st 5miles
Sept:
07th 12miles
14th 6miles
20th 14miles
28th 7miles
Oct:
5th 5miles
13th RACE DAY!

I set it up like my old marathon schedule... it could change after I do a little more reading on the half schedules. Thank god my RunnersWorld magazine is finally gonna be put to use again...

Ok, so I did the r-world reading just now, in the midst of this posting, and I used their schedule maker... and I might follow this instead... (see below). It's a little hard to read cut & pasted below, but all you may want to see is the week on the left, and the Sunday run distance on the right. The real draw of this schedule instead of mine is that it only goes up to 10miles before the race.

Wk	Dat	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	6/30 7/6	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run : 2mi @18:22	6 miles
2	7/7 7/13	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	7 miles
3	7/14 7/20	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:22	9 miles
4	7/21 7/27	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 5mi @18:22	10 miles
5	7/28 8/3	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
6	8/4 8/10	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 2x1600@15:26 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
7	8/11 8/17	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	14 miles
8	8/18 8/24	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:30; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	15 miles
9	8/25 8/31	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 3x1600@15:17 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	17 miles
10	9/1 9/7	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	12 miles
11	9/8 9/14	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:20; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	18 miles
12	9/15 9/21	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:29; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @18:00	20 miles
13	9/22 9/28	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 8mi, inc Warm; 4x1600@15:07 w/800 jogs; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @17:49	21 miles
14	9/29 10/5	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:19; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 10mi @17:49	21 miles
15	10/6 10/12	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:31; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Race Day Dist: Half-Marathon Good Luck!	20 miles

Oh my goodness there is so much at runnersworld that I don't know what to do with myself. So many plans to follow. And you know how I love a good plan or list or calendar that tells me what to do.

Here are a few of my current interests:
Your Ultimate Half-Marathon Training Plan
The Ten Rules of Weightloss
The Best Foods for Runners
Music is Motivation

I totally forgot how much I luv that website- AND how useful it is.

I'm not sure what has triggered this re-found (as opposed to new-found) inspiration... maybe its the heat & sunshine, or maybe I hit my happy hour wall, or maybe I'm just allowing myself to remember what it felt like to train for that marathon and how proud I was of myself for doing something so huge. Then again, maybe I've just hit a good hormonal level today... Who knows? But I'm going to hang onto this feeling (& attached determination) for as long as I can.

Last week, people I hadn't seen in a long time commented about how great I looked- which I thought was funny- b/c I forget I've lost a noticeable amount of weight since November-ish... but now it's time to lose another chunk of noticeable amount of weight... however I have to trick myself into it...

the shopping high

2008-06-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

So- I went shopping yesterday. And I think instead of depriving myself of shopping all this time... I should allow it. B/c I feel WAY better about myself in clothes I like than in clothes I'm sick of having to wear b/c nothing else fits.

Also... I bought a bathing suit! And I actually LOVE it! Shocking I know.

Here's a pic of the top- the bottoms I got are also pink, and a skirt, not shorts...

I can't believe I'm so happy about my shopping outing but I am. I got lots of new fun stuff. And even though I hope to shrink and not be able to wear it all for that long... in the short-term, it's a definite confidence boost that is necessary to maintain the morale to keep up the weightloss efforts.

Also, I am really, actually, really, going to do the LB Half Marathon. I didn't sign up to train w/ the LB Beach Runners like I wanted to- they started in May. But I counted out the weeks, (you know how I love lists & calendars) and I still have enough time to gradually get up to 14miles, and taper for 2 weeks before the race. Hopefully October will be good running weather. A friend of mine is doing the Disneyland Half- so now I'll feel like a slacker if I give up this goal of mine to do the LB Half. There's nothing like faux competition to motivate a girl to put her tennis shoes on.

I've gotten kind of messy in the last 3 weeks or so. It's time to put it all back together. Unfortunately that includes a regimented schedule, and regimented eating & drinking. I'll have to come up with a plan... that I actually like...

28 going on 15

2008-06-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

I was investigating gastric bypass sites, and tummy tuck / body contouring plastic surgery sites. Ironically, I think both the "before" AND the "after" pictures are gross.

I actually ate a bean&cheese burrito from Chano's this weekend. The fast food is fully in effect.

In a matter of 2 weeks, I've totally put on like 10 lbs. The damage is not small. Destruction. It's so much easier.

There is an article in the July issue of Marie Claire about how losing weight lost this girl all her friends... b/c she was their go-to fun person, or go-to venting person. They wanted to indulge in chocolate and wine once a week, and she was doing it virtually every day. They wanted her along for the ride to make themselves feel better, and she was happy to comply.

The LSAT studying is over. My schedule is free flowing again. And I hate it.

My dishwasher is broken... hence the fast food mentioned above.

It's too hot to run. And besides that, I don't want to.

I could type that its going to change- that with this post I am turning it all around. But really, I'm going to go to Starbucks or Peet's and get a latte and a croissant. And not exercise.

The more I learn and the more I realize how badly I really really want to do this, the less successful I seem to get.

Yesterday, I was actually thinking how great it is that food has such a huge power over me. I thought, "If I can't get the calm and the tranquility (or, the "fix") from food, I think I could really be a drug addict." I was actually thinking "Thank god the socially acceptable normal vices do the trick for me." ... Who thinks like that?

There are treatments for people with bulimia or anorexia. If there is a medical treatment for emotional over eating, I either haven't found it, or I don't accept it. When I was little, I knew I was overeating... and because you know people talk to the tweens about those 2 things, I actually thought I should try to throw up b/c I didn't fit the whole description.

The profile didn't match. And that's all any teenage girl really wants, is to fit in- with her friends, with guys, and with clothes. Diagnosis? I might be twenty-eight going on fifteen.

thankful permission

2008-06-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

I've been re-reading some of this content here... and man was I depressed about not being able to lose the weight in the way and in the time I deemed it should be. I am really incredibly hard on myself and its just really time for that to stop.

I'm still going to struggle with this but I'm so thankful that today, I have a better perspective. Something about hitting that 10% freed me to focus on how I'm going to handle everything from here on out. It's not going to be the same. I don't want it to be.

I've had a shitty week in terms of eating- b/c I'm stressed- and I know it- and I'm allowing it this week. Next week, when the LSAT is over, I'll get it back under control.

And one day, eventually, I won't need to eat thru the stress. But today, I do. And rather than letting that upset me... I'm remaining calm in the fact that I know I can fix it next week. Permission. I have permission to not be perfect this week, and that is making all the difference in the world today.

victory

2008-06-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

I did it. I hit my 10% mark! I got a pretty gold-ish keychain in the form of a number 10.

It was fantastic, and really anti-climatic.

I am really happy though.

But I've already moved on and have the new goal set in front of me. My next "5%" before the end of summer. Basically I want to lose another 13-15 lbs by Labor Day, which also happens to be my birthday. I'm going smaller in terms of the number attached to the goal b/c it'll feel more concrete, and less like a never-ending agonizing saga.

This is the VERY 1st time I've ever hit my 10% goal and I honestly think it's because even though I struggled the last couple of months, I finally didn't want to just give up. I had some sort of acceptance about the fact that even though it was hard and I was facing a few setbacks, I would still DO it. There was no option of "oh maybe I'll just gain all the weight back now." And I think once I eliminated some of the constraints I put on myself, is when I finally walked through it.

November to June. Approximately 30 lbs gone. It's gonna take awhile. And while I really am never going to be thrilled about that... I'm learning to accept the slowness of it.

I'm also figuring out that the final number on the scale is going to be less exciting than all the little non-scale victories along the way. And celebrating them is what's going to make this slow process tolerable... so I need to embrace them, more and more.

As long as I don't give up, it doesn't really matter how long it takes.

if it is more

2008-06-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

Alright- I have been "reasonably" "good" about the eating this week. I have limited portions... but not of the healthiest stuff. Right now I'm eating popcorn from TJ's and am having sushi tonight for dinner.

Despite that saltiness, I "may" hit my 10% mark tomorrow. I'm under it on my home scale, but it depends on how todays eating turns out...

I'm not even going to expect it. I'm just going to show up and pray that the crazy huge gain from the wedding of 2 weekend's ago, is gone.

I remain disappointed I've let 3-4 months roll by w/o making any "real" progress. And at the same time, I'm hoping this struggle is teaching me something. I know it is although I just don't see it right now.

Do you ever get that feeling that you are poised on the brink of something? Like the little choices you make in a finite period time determine your course? Maybe it's just that I found Serendipity on tv last night, and that it makes me conjure up Sliding Doors, and that the single episode of Sex and the City I've been talking about for days came on last night, and that I felt this huge tidal wave of deja vu this morning... maybe it's just that I'm sentimental and want to add all that pop culture and randomness up to something when it's nothing ... or maybe it's more...

And if it is more, and that feeling I've got that something important is happening right now, even though nothing is happening right now... if it is more, maybe I'll soon be able to start moving forward again- in some new direction I haven't anticipated in the least...

if i had a blog, this is what it would say

2008-06-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

I've never heard better inspiration than my own coming right back at me. (See below.) Seriously, I am not alone. And therefore, neither are any of you living with the same crap.

This is a voicemail I got last night. Sources shall remain anonymous. In any case, this is the best inspiration I've had in a long time to get myself back in gear... especially considering I broke down and went to In N Out last night when I should have been doing the same freakin thing in this message....

"Hi Paige, I'm just calling to let you know that I freaking suck at Weight Watchers and if I had a blog this is what it would say:

I went to the gym today and I could only do 15min on the stairclimber cuz I felt like CRAP cuz I ate Doritos that were left over from my ... party. So here's what I'm doing:

I'm going home and throwing the rest of the bag away in the garbage outside so I canNOT get into it unless I'm a creepy homeless person.

And I am getting up tomorrow at 5am and I'm going for a run and the reason I'm telling you this is so you can hold me accountable so feel free to call me tomorrow and see if I went for a run before work cuz hopefully I'll say yes.

Anyway hope you're doing better than me.

Actually my whole day was good until I ate the fucking Doritos- I'm so mad at myself- but anyway-

I hope you're having a good day. Sorry bout my little vent. You're worth it. Bye."

Men, these are the things that play in every woman's head at least weekly, if not daily.
We love our friends and think THEY can do great- but we don't believe in ourselves- and your society and your rules have made us that way.

We even have to apologize for it. Fuck that. I'm through apologizing. And ladies, you should be too.

Unhappy Meals

2008-06-03T15:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't gone running. But I do have the food more on track, so far. This week, today, this hour.

But mainly, I write today so that you...

...READ THIS article from the NY Times Magazine: Unhappy Meals.

One of the best quotes from it ... "(The American Heart Association charges food makers for their endorsement.) Don’t take the silence of the yams as a sign that they have nothing valuable to say about health."

And if you just can't fathom reading the whole thing-- which makes you lazy and inept- but in any case, I still prepare for you lazy's like I often find myself -- at least scroll down to the bottom where the list (you know how I love lists) of "Beyond Nutritionism" exists.

And finally, the ice cream truck is rolling by my house. Weren't they already a throw back in the 70s and 80s? How is it they still exist?

finding the fabulous

2008-06-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

These are the titles from the month of May...

It's so fitting. No pun intended. I've been twisting and swinging over some really lovely decisions. I hate decision-making. I am an information gatherer and collector and I can argue any side of an argument... and some of them have been pretty colorful lately. But having to decide things, for myself, creates an immense internal pressure to not be wrong. To not screw it up. I don't know what I think will happen if I do... certainly I can't think the world is going to end... but that's sort of how I feel about my "life" decisions.

And it is affecting my weight-loss in a serious way. Those days are over. For now. This week.
Today.

I'm using June 1st as a clean slate to start again. To revive my efforts. I wanted to try out "core" and that just doesn't fit w/ my lifestyle yet... so I'm going back to the point-counting... and will do my best to eat whole, organic foods, even if they cost me more in points (/calories, etc).

I AM getting up to go running at 7am, and then to 24Lift at 8am. That's the goal. If I do just 1 of those things... or, let's be honest- if I walk out the door w/ tennis shoes on before 8am, I'll be happy. I need the exercise back in my life. I need it to feel good. I need it to inspire me. I need it to be grateful I can do it... even when I don't want to get off my couch, or out of bed.

And I need it to ban the smoking forever... I will not be tempted if I know I need to run in the a.m. ...

I want to be back on track. And I've got it in my head... but now I've got to execute...

unperfect

2008-05-30T11:43:00.000-07:00

Earlier in the week, my home scale said exactly the same weight it had when i was OH so close to my 10%... and in a matter of 3 days- I've added 6lbs. Now, some of that may be catching up to me from the wedding weekend over memorial day wknd... but really- I think its the last 3 days.

I've been in a total funk. I ordered cpk pick-up and not my lovely normal salad- no I went all out w/ the thai chicken pizza, and an order of the hummus. I actually put myself into a food coma. I haven't had a binge like that in quite some time. I was really, incredibly, super full. But I kept going. It forced me into sleep.

I am figuring out that I'm really incapable of coping w/ any real emotions. I'm not wired to handle it. Food is the only way I know how. And that has been ingrained in me from an extremely early age.

Sometimes I can fight it. For various extended periods of time. Sometimes "I'm being good" ... but when I'm not, man, look out. Destruction here I come. Six lbs is conquerable. I've conquered 25 or so in the past. But even as I type that- I don't really want anything healthy in my house- I want Starbucks.

I'm swinging. That's what I do. From one end of the spectrum to the other. If I can't be perfect at it- well then fuck that and watch how unperfect I can get at it. I didn't order a salad- well then I'm going to order food for 5 people.

I won't hang my clothes up b/c I hate them. They represent a kind of personal daily hell. I would live in sweats if I could. And I sort of do these days.

There are various triggers. Right now I'm looking at fear, stress, & anxiety over the unknown. Tests. Freaking tests. My bridesmaid dress that didn't really fit after all. Or, maybe it did, but it was still 3x the size of all the others on the hangers. I could probably literally have made 2 or 3 dresses out of my single one. Never being the one they want.

Never being the one they want. Always standing in the shadow. I know how to take a stage... but I find the loudest, craziest, prettiest friends to stand behind. Or I will become that- loud & crazy, if I can get cynical with you about how you're going to hook up w/ my friend, but I'll still outdrink you. And then I'm your buddy, and you adore me- b/c you know, for sure, I'm not interested. B/c I'm only interested in drinking- not you. I won't give you the chance to shut me down.

I show up to places alone. I am the friend, never the girlfriend. Or, even better, I am the hook-up, often secret, and never ever worth publicly saying "Hey, I'm with her" ... and thank god I can blame that on the fat b/c how devastated would I be if I couldn't?

And ya- none of this is really about losing weight. Except it all is. I had some success. And now I'm stuck b/c god forbid I keep succeeding. What will I do if I lose my excuse for not having the things I want? I can't imagine the pain.

I see myself sloppy drunk- fall down drunk- as a skinny girl.

B/c I won't know how to function when I fail. Right now, I've got a pretty decent status quo going and I am terrified that if I disrupt it too much... I'll lose.

And at the same time, I really don't have too much to lose... except the weight.

it's only me

2008-05-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

I have never been someone to stand in front of the mirror and obsess about my flaws or imperfections. Its enough for me to know they're there... I don't need to scrutinize them. I've never been bulimic, and clearly not anorexic. But I am an obsessive emotional eater. And today, for some reason, I found myself standing naked in front of a mirror and assessing, in what I thought was an objective manner; but that can't really be true.

There are actually fistfuls of fat circling my body. I wondered what it would be like to be a thin, non-fat, normal person. How much more energy would I have? How many more places would I walk? How much more fun would I have shopping if I weren't forced to stick to shoes & make-up? How many more guys might actually be interested in me? How interesting and incomprehensible is it that any even are? How more active might I be? What if I weren't too heavy to go sky-diving? What kind of style would I really have? What does it cost to have a surgery to remove all the fat? I wonder if the lap-band limit would work? Would it stop me from eating? Would it make me an alcoholic like all the people who go on Oprah after having that done? What bra size do I really have if I don't count the fat? How will I ever get rid of all of this fat stuck to me? And if I do- how will I ever get myself toned? Can I ever be a normal person- will I ever stop being obese?

It's all a mask and I use it well. The fat is my excuse- for everything. Why I don't have any single thing I might, even someday, want. Because god forbid I fail. God forbid I'm not good enough. It's ok to handle all the rejection, and all the failure, and all the not-being-good-enough, so long as I have the fat to blame. But it's only me if I get rid of the fat. And I don't know how to be that lonely and that vulnerable. I don't want to give up my shield.

almost everything

2008-05-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

My new fridge has arrived! Apparently it was JUST overdue...
Now, I knew I needed a new one... I'd been shopping...
But the heatwave put my poor ol lil overworked refurbished fridge to rest.

It was time for a brand new one and while I AM very excited about it... I'm really irritated I had to toss almost the entire contents of the old one.

However- this provides me a fantastic excuse to start fresh again w/ only super healthy contents. The fridge delivery man told me I shouldn't shop again until tomorrow when the temps have leveled out... however... I wanna go NOW! But I will wait (lest I waste even more $) ... but I am making a super organized and methodical list of meals, and ingredients.

I did have SO much in my freezer that I was never going to eat. So, it is good I can start anew and only buy what I will REALLY use... all in good time.

Ahh the babbling over fridge/freezer logistics. I'm just so happy to have a normal QUIET fridge again. It was so loud it was actually keeping me awake at night. Thank god its gone! My nerves!

In other news, I went shopping for the 1st time in a LONG time. I bought a fun new dress and beachy skirt- it made me happy.

I also had my last fitting for my bridesmaid dress yesterday. It fits. It actually looks pretty good, I think. It's a really pretty dress and I don't hate it, or hate being in it. I do wish I'd worked on toning up my arms, but oh well. Thank god I lost the weight I did, even if its not ALL I wanted to lose... b/c it really would've been a prob if I hadn't.

I'm having a mental disconnect lately. There are these little pieces of me... professional me, sexy me, studious me, athletic me, etc. and I have a vision of outfits for each of those girls and I get really frustrated when I can't execute them the way I want to. I live in a state of hiding out. I won't get dressed up. I won't do my make up or hair or anything b/c I feel like if I can't look the way I want to, what's the point. But it all comes back to that all-or-nothing problem I have. I feel like putting the work into looking nice is worthless. But that is not really true... b/c just doing the simple things like straightening my hair and putting some make-up on make me feel like a normal person and so I should do those things if for no other reason than to build confidence.

I have this problem with feeling like doing the work to have things not turn out perfectly is not worth doing the work. It is a general principle governing my actions and it needs to change. I don't know how yet.

This weekend at my weigh-in I gained 0.2 lbs. Which, I now know is definitely connected to the period. Typically, that equals a 2-3 lb. gain. So I'm pretty ok w/ the .2 gain this week-- even though I was pissed about it this weekend. But that's the thing- I was pissed about it this weekend and I derailed off my core organic eating b/c even though my head knew better- my heart felt like "what's the fucking point?"

And I feel that way about so much these days... almost everything... so it is difficult to rally. I know how to ... I just can't seem to make myself want to on a consistent basis.

Right now, I am excited about restocking my new fridge w/ healthy yummy food. But I don't know how to work thru the next thing that is going to set me off and make me upset that I have to "live the good life" in order to actually live the good life.

commitment I've never had before

2008-05-16T15:11:00.001-07:00

I weigh-in tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time REALLY expecting to have lost... and to have hit my 10% goal. And if you don't know by now, you should learn my opinion about expectation-- it is the root of all heartache.

Anyhow, I started this, for real, in November. I wasn't working that hard at it until then... or maybe not at all... so 6 months. 30 lbs. That's a 5lb/month average... which is about 1.25 lbs/wk.
Realistically, I could have hit this mark in February or March- if I hadn't developed various mental blocks about it. And worked a little harder, and more consistently. If I had- it would've been 30 lbs. over 4 months- averaging 7.5 lbs/month- at 1.8 lbs/wk.

If I can continue to fall somewhere in between those 2... lets say an average of 1.5 per week... from my current weight, I'll reach the 100s in 44 weeks, or 11 months. That'll be 199. So my goal to get to 160, will still take me from May 09 to the end of next year, probably. But at that point, I'll look and feel SO much better. At that point it'll be about 100 lbs gone. At that point, summer will be coming again and maybe I'll actually buy a new bathing suit. Its not going to happen this summer, but it's ok b/c I'm still working at it... slowly, and maybe not even steadily, but with a commitment I've never had before...

I really truly expect to hit that mark tomorrow and I'm not gonna lie- I'm going to be pretty upset if I do not... but I'll still know, it's just 1 more week away. But each week, I want to continue to see that measured progress. I've done pretty well w/ the food this week - and each day it is a struggle to make the small proper choices- dressing on the side please, etc etc.

And its just so hard to keep doing the "right" things if you don't see the payoff. So I'm really hoping tomorrow it all comes together for me- and I get my super cheezy 10% keychain that will probably break in a week... but I want it.

And really wanting things is so hard for me - I don't trust. I don't believe they will happen for me. I used to... and somewhere along the way, I lost that. usc drama, men, friends... I've got to let go. I've got to accept the fact that the past could've been any different, and forgive myself.

I don't really know how to do that- but I'm working on it.

"my version"

2008-05-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

Here is a current full body shot. Ya- its a sideturn w/ a baggy jacket- but I think its a reasonable representation of my current status...
I'm growing my hair long- and trying to keep it straight- b/c I think I look thinner that way. I am so lame. :)

Also- I'm already down on my home scale for the week. I've been sticking to "my version" of the WW "Core Plan" and I think its going pretty well. It does require eating at home more- but I'm ok w/ that. And I am gonna sign up for more Hipcooks classes.

Lindsey came and made stuffed green bell peppers w/ me on Sunday. SO yummy- we stuffed w/ a ground turkey concoction. They are only 3 points- but also core. I made the leftover turkey mix into a sort of healthy sloppy joe w/ some frozen whole wheat buns I'd had on Monday and I'm throwing the last little bit into pasta today. I hate leftovers- I'm so proud of myself.

I have a little list of things to pick up at the store today: chocolate soy milk, apples, bananas, grapes, low-sodium popcorn, whole wheat tortillas & salsa ... and to stock up on: my new faves- organic apple granola cereal, pom-green tea & kettle-brewed green-white tea...

I think it's going to be ok. I think I can change the bad stuff and even eventually get pretty good at the good stuff.

Also- for everyone not commenting here and emailing instead :) I really appreciate all of your messages. I'm glad you can relate.

change before you have to

2008-05-11T16:56:00.000-07:00

I lost 2.4 lbs this week- which counts for the last 2 weeks since I didn't really weigh-in last week. I am 0.6 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been struggling to hit since the end of Feb/Mar.

I am almost there... and I should be able to hit it next Saturday at my regular meeting.
There are some factors to consider though. One is that I've started blood pressure medication, and a daily vitamin. I'm not sure what effect this will have on my day-to-day weight. I have however quit smoking and quit using salt on anything and have avoided eating foods out that may have high salt contents- so that should all work in my favor. I've increased pom/green tea & white/green tea & water consumption... which should also help. The period is always a monthly factor with the scale and I'm never quite sure about when that one's gonna take it's toll. And aside from the pure science- I could go off the psychological deep end about it and sabotage myself since I am SO freakin close to success. I am trying to be really aware of all of these factors- and accept them, and still maintain that come hell or high water, I WILL lose those 0.6 THIS week.

I know organic core plan living is not going to come easy for me. Much as I want to do the core plan, I think what I am actually going to be doing is still counting points while eating *mostly* core foods. I'm not sure I'm totally there yet. I really like my organic apple granola cereal - which- while healthy- is higher in calories, so, more point-y, and not totally core b/c of some of the brown rice sugars in it. Core is almost a sort of sugar busters diet and I may not be ready to cut all sugar- I may only be ready to choose the "healthier" sugars. I'm not going to go so far to the extreme that I give up entirely. I have been pretty full since starting this so I think I am choosing better foods that have MUCH more nutritional value and satiety- levels...

Up for tackling this week: eliminating extra sugar-y alcoholic beverages & exercising daily.

Fri nights, no more ...

2008-05-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am signing up for the Long Beach Half Marathon...

Beach Runners

is the organization I'm signing up with. Training is on Saturdays at 7am. It's already started but the kick-off party is not until Wed. 5/14... so I can still join.

The ICB LB 1/2 Marathon will be held on Sunday October 12th --> mark your calendars!

I went in for my 1st physical in a long long time just before the marathon training around Sept 05. But I went to more of a sports doctor- not a GP, and not an internist. And while I really liked that doc- and would totally recommend him- and went to his office for PT for a random kickball mishap w/ my knee-- that Dr. was not totally what I needed.

This time around- I know more. First of all, I know what I'm getting myself into. That was not true w/ the full marathon. God- no one knows what 26.2 is unless you've done it.

But 13.1 miles is WAY more manageable. And even as I say that- I remember a 12 mile run in which I wanted to lay down near Griffith Park in valley until dusk. But I didn't - I kept going. And I'll do that here and now. And Long Beach, typically, has great running weather- even in the summer. As long as you're out there early enough.

And apparently I need the threat of pain to get me out the door to exercise. I WILL run 2x a week b/c I can't show up to my Saturday training run and let the other people down by dragging. You just have to keep up.

I also remember when knocking out 8miles early on Sat a.m. was "easy breezy" - granted it was Fall in the Marina and not so hot as this will be... but this will only be 13- instead of 26. Once I get those 8 back- I'll be in good shape. Getting up to the 8 again is whats going to take some work...

New shoes are in order. Hurray!

the pieces

2008-05-08T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm really sleepy & sliding into caffeine withdrawal. I need some black tea.

I had organic apple granola cereal & nonfat milk sprinkled w/ some ground flaxseed.
I had a cup of pomegranate green tea / juice.

I also had an organic peanut butter granola bar- the least healthy of all the items... but a girl's gotta start somewhere.

I am soon pouring some kettle brewed green & white tea and I'm not gonna lie- I may still need the starbucks iced black coffee to get me thru.

It's gonna go like this. The caffeine... is gonna help get me thru the sugar & nicotine withdrawals. When it comes time to get rid of the caffeine, WAY down the road, it's gonna get ugly. But hopefully I'll be a waaay healthier girl by then and will be stronger to handle it.

I didn't buy the stevia at the store. I contemplated it. I had it in my cart... but I have a whole box of splenda in my house and I just feel bad throwing that away. I need to bake something to use it all up- and give it away. Then I can, with a peaceful mind, go get the stevia.

I've reviewed some of the core plan on the WW website. I forgot deli meats are not included. So, I'll just have to order the chicken breast at subway or togo's today. That will not be organic, but we're working on baby steps here.

I also don't think I bought nearly enough of the brown rice/couscous family of stuff-- I'll need more of that.

I think also that maybe hipcooks shouldn't be my rewards. I'm thinking maybe that hipcooks should be part of my life so that I can get better at experimenting and trying new stuff and having fun in my kitchen.

This is going to be a crucial element to doing this successfully-- cooking.

I think my go-to meal over the summer is going to be grilled chicken and veggie skewers. It's easy- I can make it w/o screwing it up, and I like it a lot.

I have done this. I have gotten myself to this place. And I am the only one who can get myself out of it.

soy milk

2008-05-07T20:00:00.001-07:00

Alright folks, remember November? It was all shiny and new... and I was so optimistic. I ventured into "dark and twisty" land but I'm working my way back to shiny and happy.

Today I had a "complete" physical. I will spare you the details of all the tests that entails but let me assure you, it was in fact, complete. My health is emerging as a focal point of my life. Central to every aspect of everything. Understand some of what you get here will be too detailed, and some of it will be super glossy.

Nevertheless, it is all significant and impacting the weight loss journey.

~ I have high blood pressure- I'm going back on medication for this.
~ I have "possibly" a fatty liver- I am severely limiting my alcohol.
~ My lungs first had the age of a 50 yr old, then the age of a 36 yr old (after inhaler)-- yes, I've already quit, but I'm quitting smoking, again.

And these are just the highlights... I don't even have blood work back yet.

I am changing my diet. The goal is to eventually go organic. I'm testing it out right now. I also need to eat NO salt whatsoever and that is going to be a big adjustment for me.

Weight Watchers has a program called "core" ... its a little different than "points" ... and starting Saturday, that's what I'll be doing. I'm starting it now, but still watching the points b/c its difficult to make a switch like this mid-week. Core involves lean meats, whole grains, nonfat dairy, fruits & veggies, etc. You do not have to "count"- you just have to eat foods that are "core"... and this has ALWAYS been difficult for me b/c I eat so much processed food. And restaurant food. And lean cuisines. And alcohol. Etc etc.

But I've already gone grocery shopping. I am fully stocked and prepared to undertake this. I'm not gonna lie-- it's going to be REALLY hard for me. I am totally hooked on refined and processed sugars. I am going to go through withdrawal and I am prepared for that. It's not going to be cute. I get 35 points in a week for non-core foods. Which, I need for food, not beverages. For example, to count the bread in a turkey sandwich... So I need to plan for that.

But basically, I need an overhaul. This is just a small piece of everything going on with me. But I am overhauling my life... and it is only going to be for the better. In November, I was so quickly successful w/ WW b/c it was new and interesting to me still and I was motivated. I'd been on the verge of losing that until I had an awakening w/ my doctor.

I would like to live to a ripe healthy old age and I am not anywhere on that path right now. Right now I'm headed for a heart attack or stroke at 30 and the reality of that - not just the talk but real cold hard truth of that- is finally starting to sink and settle in with me.

The motivation is back!
I'm not about to let my lifestyle steal my life from me.

skewed

2008-05-05T02:23:00.000-07:00

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If anyone chastises you for focusing small, you'll have the last laugh. It's the details that make or break your project. -- LA Times 5/5/08

That's my horoscope for today. Of COURSE it is.

I didn't walk- and I didn't weigh-in this weekend. Don't worry, I'm going bright and early Monday a.m.- oh wait, that's now.

I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little. I'm not really sure as I haven't been stepping on my home scale. As of the middle of last week, I was down... but things change in an instant.

A phone call. Good news or bad. A missed deadline. Getting unexpectedly sucked back into anticipation and hoping-- only to realize again you were right to be jaded in the first place.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"

"Forgiveness is accepting that the past could have been any different"

Well I've stopped expecting, and I don't really forgive much either.

Researching a hypothetical death. It should've been Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles.

I think I'm counting points. So worthless- oh wait- that's what might keep me alive longer. Pay attention.

I'm hungry right now. What if I just had a cigarette and a tall drink of water instead? A glass of water won't quench the thirst alone.

"I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little." ... not weight, perspective.

I already don't want to go though

2008-04-27T21:55:00.001-07:00

So, I am up a little bit after this weekend's weigh-in... but effectively, I am down about 2.5 per week for the last 2 weeks. At least, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. I knew that 7lb loss couldn't be sustained.

However, I am exactly, precisely 3 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been trying to hit, well, forever, but more specifically since March. I am going to work really hard this week. I just made a fresh batch of iced green tea. I bought WW 2 point bars which are so yummy. I have not restocked my fridge- but I think I'm ok for the week... I need to actually USE what I have. Which is always my problem.

I really want to go running every morning this week but I have a lot of work in front of me this and that tends to take over sometimes. We will see. Honestly any exercise at this point would be better than what is occuring now, so I'm gonna go with that. Maybe I'll start w/ just a walk. That seems more attainable right now.

If I get too busy- I need to go to the store and stock up on lean cuisines. That will get me thru. It's the time, effort, and mess, of cooking that often deters me. I need to prepare for dinners. Or defer to Subway. Evenings are also busy. Mon-kickball. Tues/Thurs- Kaplan LSAT class. Wed- showing property/working. Fri- Shabbat engagement dinner. Fri will actually require extra planning. I am attending Persian Shabbat dinner in Beverly Hills for an engagement celebration and I have no idea what food I will be faced with. And as that is the night before weigh-in, I must be particularly conscious of salt intake as well. At least I have it in mind in advance.

I think the a.m. walking will be the way to go- but that will also require me to get to bed early, despite these evening activities- as my days are pretty packed this week. I even have to go to court on Friday to confirm a sale ... which is also not part of my norm routine.

Thinking about all of this in advance is good- but still isn't going to get me where I need to be. I must plan, each day, the day before, in order to truly succeed this week.

Also, I wrote a really emotional post last night, which quite honestly, no one needs to read- not even me. But the essence of it is that I am a really emotional eater and I have got to learn how to get that under control. It is currently my go-to coping mechanism and I must get past that at some point.

Again, I think the walking in the a.m.'s will help. I already don't want to go though.

little lessons

2008-04-25T01:27:00.001-07:00

Last week I dropped about 7lbs which brought me w/in VERY close reach of my 10% goal. I worked really hard at it last week but alas- I attribute 2-3 lbs of actual loss, 2-3 lbs of dehydration, and 2lbs of losing the period affectation. It was a faux huge loss. But still a great loss nonetheless.

However, the last time this happened, was in February, which is what pretty much kicked off these 2 months of yo-yo-ing. I'm not gonna lie- it's pretty much all related to men. Damn you all. And without divulging just completely too much about my personal life, I can pretty much attest that these troubles are mostly concerned with the opposite sex and coping mechanisms. In a nutshell.

What else changed around the end of Feb you might ask... b/c well, I did... and oh, of course, I re-joined Kickball.

So I've now assessed the pitfalls of the last 2 months, and contemplated the minor successes. And what I have learned is this:

1. I am more important than anybody else in the world
2. Conversely, you, are not more important, than me.
3. I will not give you time that I do not have, and that you will not reciprocate.
4. I will not order redbull-vodka at Q's. Or the Roxxy.
5. I will strive to run every single morning- and I will get over the fact that this means I can't have straight hair every day.
6. I will not go to Taco Bell.
7. I will feel, instead of eat. I will cry instead of inhale fries. I will run instead of medicate anxiety thru food.
8. I will not buy into any "crush" anymore because he's too dumb, too arrogant, and/or too apathetic to do anything about it. Plus, his girlfriend probably wouldn't like it much. And I don't really want to pay for anyone's drink but my own.
9. I will replace despair and lonliness with cynicism and anger. Yeah - I know- one day I'll figure out why that's not healthy either. But for now at least the anger will get my running shoes on.
10. I will continue to cook. And one day, I'll be good at it.

They're little lessons. And big lessons. And petty gripes disguised as lessons. But they are important right this minute and I'm not too thrilled about that, but I am accepting such information as truth right now.

I think, if you aren't supporting me and my missions, you don't belong here.
I think, if you want to support me and my missions, you won't judge.

I know that I am a complete and total pain in the ass these days... but I have this all-or-nothing / black-and-white mentality that I'm learning how to bend... I don't know how to do that yet and pretty much if I don't trust you completely, I don't trust you at all.

What? you may ask ... does any of this have to do with dropping pounds? And the answer is- quite simply- everything.

the haps

2008-04-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

So, my faithful & loyal, I am back. Thank you to everyone for harassing me about the blog. That's sort of why I started it. So I couldn't let my effort fade. I have hit the dreaded plateau. I have gained and lost the same 2-3 lbs for the last 2 months. The good news is: I'm not up by much. I'm about the same weight I was around Valentine's Day... Which is when I had that crazy huge 7lb loss due to hangover dehydration (or so I think.) Here is a brief little update...

I was down 2, 2 weeks ago, and up 2.8 this week, and it goes on. But Sunday night, dearest Lindsey came to save me and we went grocery shopping and did some veggie chopping and I have a stocked house again so that I will not defer to Taco Bell anymore. :) I have been tracking my food this week again online w/ the WW e-tools. And I went for a walk w/ my mom this morning. All in all, I've been making that change again and doing the work. And thank god I've found the groove again.

I felt like I was on my way here... White Rock Lake... Dallas, TX... March 2, 2008. This is definitely one of the more recent full body shots of me. I don't allow them. I was doing ok. I looked better than I had in quite some time and I was pretty happy.
But then I came back to Long Beach and started my job w/ WAKA Kickball and put an amazing deal into escrow and signed up for a Kaplan LSAT prep class. And I got stressed and didn't know how to eat right outside of making myself a hermit at home. And, I stopped exercising. I stopped finding the time.

I went on a bachelorette wine tasting adventure and that was really one of the worst gains I've had in some time.

And lastly, I thought I was finally balancing... but the most recent pix I have while on a pubcrawl, show otherwise. The face fat is more evident. My arms are worse than they were when I was doing the 24Lift & 24Set classes at 24hour.

There is a theme... the social drinking. I have curtailed the problem-like sort of drinking. But with my body, still, ANY consumption at all- even if I count the points- my body will not accept this. It recognizes it is not fuel. It will not lose weight if I drink. It's LOW in tolerance. I mean, we're talking 1-3 bud lights in a week... and I still won't lose weight- even if I do everything else right. It is not fair. And I'm going to have to adjust this - or work out more- or something - to account for my lifestyle- if I want to lose weight.

In happy news, I got my bridesmaid dress for Amy's wedding and that fits and looks beautiful. It only needs to be hemmed. And last October, when I tried on the largest size in the store, it would not zip. So really, I'm thrilled about that. It means I have still done something. That even though I am struggling now, I can remember that I HAVE accomplished a lot, already, regardless of how much I can convince myself its meaningless- it's not.

I am so freaking busy- more than I have been in some time. And I am trying to figure out how to "do it all" ... without food as my go-to source of comfort. I'm not on stable ground yet, but I'm workin on it.

in the swing of things

2008-03-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

Alright people. I'm back in the swing of things here. I lost 2 lbs. this week! I have lost, at this moment, exactly 25 lbs since I started this crazy business. I am still a few pounds short of my 10% goal... but I'm going to have my reward cooking class on Tuesday anyway. I am going to celebrate 25lbs GONE. It's still a big milestone, even if its not my 10% goal. I think with exercise (which I've been slacking on lately) ... and some added vigilance with keeping track of the points, I can *possibly* hit that 10% next week... and I will most definitely hit it by the following week.

So- my commitment level has spiked again. The meeting today was all about roadblocks and how to maneuver through them instead of derailing. It was a good topic- although sort of corny.

The main thing is that they talked about life changing. Many of you know how I hate change. But I realize now that I was struggling because my schedule started to change. I have gotten really busy with real estate, and I added my pt job working for WAKA Kickball. I'm freakin busy. And I realize now that this requires a little more planning at the start of the week. It requires a little more strength and power over when, where & how I am eating. And where I can fit exercise in. I've got to do it in the morning now. I just flat out don't have the time in the evenings. I'm either kickballing, meeting with clients, or preparing for the following day. I get up and exercise- and that means I need to like sleep in my work out clothes or something. And it means, I can't fall behind in my laundry. And its all these little things I didn't have to worry about as much when I was less busy and able to work from home more- but not I'm out. I'm at the office or "out in the field" and I just don't always have access to my food so I need to get better at making those "on-the-fly" decisions.

Even writing this I've been interrupted at least 5x by different phone calls. My multi tasking levels are increasing and I need to keep this as a top priority instead of letting it slip first as usual.

I just need to keep the faith :)

more to come...

2008-03-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well, did I mention I lost a pound last week? I'm doing ok on my home scale. I think I'm doing ok this week in general. I've had a lot of subway, and not so many croissants at Starbucks. Monday and Tuesday I had kickball games, and flipcup games, and bud light. But I've been counterbalancing that with water & I'm back to my raspberry green tea crystal light.
I've been super busy @ work but I don't think I'm stress eating.
I will have more to report after tomorrow's weigh in.

But I've been staying on track this week... it's just slow going for me right now. No exercise... though I do hope to get a long run/walk in tonight. I've been doing a lot of work in the neighborhood I grew up in... and even though I ate shit on a run in there on New Year's Eve, it might be time to go back and do a little recon work :D

More to come...

today will be better

2008-03-05T07:59:00.000-08:00

Alright- so the derail of the last couple weeks is not the end of the world. EVEN if I gain this week, I'll be about where I was before I had that crazy 7lb loss. So I'm ok with that- I just hate wasted time.

I did not get back to the healthy eating. In fact, Monday was amazingly terrible. Taco Bell = death. However, b/c I ate taco bell so late on monday- i was not hungry almost the entire day on tuesday... so at least my body has adjusted to this new life. and it was not happy with me on tuesday. and i did not eat just b/c i was supposed to be having food at a certain hour.

i had a starbucks yogurt, and a cpk salad. pretty much for the whole day. so my metabolism is screwed, but at least the over-eating was curtailed.

this morning- i woke up - after having watched the biggest loser- and i got back to tracking my points. even for the last 2 days.

THIS is where the trouble has been. i haven't been writing it down. honestly i can trace most of the problems back to when i lost my bank card, changed the acct #s and subsequently lost my WW internet access for about 5 days. this is when it started. apparently i need the access to their system. without it, i fail.

but even when i got it back, it was already too late... i was already on a path of destruction.

additionally- i got busy with life. work picked up. i started my new kickball job. (yes, that's right, i work for waka now). i travelled. and i know that when i get busy w/ the rest of my life, my personal well-being is the first thing to go out the window.

THAT MUST STOP.

i hate to mention it- but it really ties into maslow's hierarchy of needs. i am sorry to pull some of you back to intro psych... but well, here it is. i can't reach my full potential until i put the foundation under me to support success.

i have been building it- but as soon as i stop for just a second- it all goes to hell.

so today will be better. and i will exercise- even if i just go for a walk. i want a dog!

"long day"

2008-03-03T00:14:00.000-08:00

So- I have been somewhat derailing.
I am here to report only this.

There are many factors and I will detail them, probably, not now.

But for now, all I can say is that I am getting back on track.

I'm still not confident I can hit that 10% mark before my scheduled reward of a hipcooks class on 3/18... I'm not really sure it's possible at this point... but I'm not going to give up trying.

I am back to the hard work. I derailed for about 2 weeks- more on that later.

You need not comment with your "you can do it"s and good cheer. Not that I don't appreciate that normally... but right now, I just am not cheery about it.

I am just settling down to get back to work at it. Maybe I'll be a little more excited after I get one day of healthy eating back in me... with some real fat-burning exercise to boot.

I am just sort of resigned at the moment. No longer resigned and falling off track- just resigned to the notion that I am not allowed to stop thinking about this for even a day, without losing serious ground.

And it's ok- I mean- I want it badly enough so I'm going to do it. But the more I learn about how I got here, and the more I realize how hard it's going to be to keep going, the more I resent the fact that I am seriously going to have to put way more work into this than I have even been doing thus far.

***

"...I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh god I shouldn't feel this way

(Chorus)
Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right..."
~MB20

it's all relative

2008-02-19T22:44:00.000-08:00

so... i've had some great success- so what do i do? oh i go and fuck it all up again.
i went to taco bell. a mexican pizza, 2 soft tacos & an apple empanada later- i feel full, and much less stressed about a variety of issues in my personal and professional life.
but then i felt sick.

i've had a raging headache all day that neither caffeine, nor food, nor nicotine, nor sugar, nor water, nor rest could cure.

i feel like crap and i did not exercise today as planned b/c i was in my office instead of the gym- and that's good- but bad.

i used to be an EXPERT multi-tasker. somewhere along the way... my divvied up focus has departed from my world and left me unable to cope.

food solves everything in my world- and man is it tough to resist that comfort.

in the downward direction

2008-02-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

so i'm up on my home scale again. i sort of knew that would happen. i think part of my big loss this past week was water weight. so, my goal this week is to maintain my huge loss of last week.

i think i am going to do the los al race on the base 5k this saturday. i did it 2 yrs ago right after my marathon. i'm gonna do my own pace- but i'm definitely going to beat my time from the santa monica/venice xmas fun run back in december.

i haven't been running the past few weeks- so i'm going to have to work that back in to my workouts this week. and it means i'll probably weigh-in for weight watchers on fri. or sun. next week... it'll be interesting- that's for sure.

also- b/c i lost so much last week- i lost a daily point i get to eat. which is good- it means i'm slowly phasing in the downward direction. but it really is an adjustment when it happens. and i'm trying to keep in mind what it's going to feel like when i am a normal size and have like 10 or more, less points every day than i have now.

those 10 extra points are my room for error right now. they're my room for junk food to stay in my life. room for bud light. room for bar food. and i see that eventually i am really going to have to reform my life even more. it's too much to contemplate right now- that's why weight watchers is going to work for me- b/c i can do it SLOWly. but every now 'n then, i get a glimpse, and it freaks me out.

right now, i'm just glad that i am continuing in the right direction. despite variances in success levels- i'm keeping it going. i have never been this close to my 10% goal. so i'm already immensely proud of myself.

also- my hipcooks class is coming up as reward. and i am super excited for that! i discovered a new "series" they offer that is all about healthy eating. some of it is a little too 'out there' for me, and its more expensive than their normal classes- but it looks like it could be a good influence on me.

we shall see. there is much more work to be done.

drumroll please

2008-02-16T12:13:00.000-08:00

So I'm not really sure how I pulled this off... but... I lost... drumroll please....

7.4 lbs this week, alone!

It's crazy. I am thrilled. I received some silly 25lb magnet and charm from the folks at weight watchers b/c I surpassed that mark. And I am only 1.4lbs away from my HUGE HUGE 10% goal.

I basically think it was the process of hanging on to some water weight last week... so the loss for 2 weeks finally showed up. That's my working theory anyway.

However, the gain of a pound last week did really propel me into action. I worked out HARD early in the week and I really did watch my point intake closely.

My main goal this week is to keep the exercise up. Do 24set instead of 24lift-- even though I hate it a little bit more. Do a walk every morning- something easy so I will actually do it. I need to sweat this week. I need to make my healthy food and stick to my routine and keep working hard and it will all come.

I need to keep doing it exactly how I want to do it. I am repelling external forces these days. Unless you are my client, I don't care what you want, what time you prefer, where you want to go or what you want to do. I am only doing things that I want to do. And it is making all the difference!

I really want this 1.4 gone by next week b/c the following week I will be in Texas, and I want to celebrate my 10 % at my regular meeting, not the Friday meeting I will need to go to that week before I get on a plane. But it doesn't matter- my first big goal is finally within my reach and I am so excited!

just do it

2008-02-11T11:34:00.000-08:00

I went to the gym this a.m.

I am tracking all my food.

I am committed to a serious loss on the scale this week.

I'm workin it out ...

;)

"And I don't know how, to get it back to good"

2008-02-10T16:41:00.000-08:00

I gained exactly 1lb. this week. I know why. Some of it's my fault- and some of it is out of my control. Life goes on. I'm back on track. I WILL hit my 10% mark. I will I will I will.

I'm tired of this crap already. Not giving up- but irritated.

Right about now I am so glad I started this blog b/c I am more interested in not letting everyone ELSE down who have been my super cheerleaders, than I am concerned about letting myself down. Wrong, but true.

I'll get it all back together soon.

I

2008-02-05T23:10:00.000-08:00

I did 24Dance last night which was super fun.

I did 24Lift tonight and was in a weird zone. I added extra weight and I feel zapped of strength and energy now after a super hot shower.

I was down 2lbs on my home scale this morning!

I did some not so great eating today- but at very regular intervals- and reasonably "healthy" options.

I am so grateful there is finally some justice for Team Jillian on Biggest Loser.
I am seriously considering sending in an application. I could've been Brittany this season! But I was moving when that app was due :( OH that's right, I know the dates. I had the paperwork.

I am tired. Not tired of the process- just tired from a long day.

I still wish it could go faster. But I'm getting better at accepting the daily challenge.

Bootcamp is not part of my financial plan right now- so that will have to wait.

But more future goals include personal training. I'm going to need it. I will need more personalized targeting.

I really wish I could treat this as my only fully time job. I already give it more mental energy these days than I ever have, and more than I think most do (which may or may not be a good thing) :) But if I could spend 6 hours a day in the gym like the Biggest Loser hopefuls, and learn how to eat properly- or just be magically wealthy enough to hire a personal healthy chef, I would be so happy. Happy doesn't even really cover it.

I'm willing to do the work- but it's easier with external motivation pushing you. Finding the internal motivation is the hardest part. Clinging to the goal of that little black dress before eating another brownie- or before another chip scoop of guacamole- is where success is made or delayed.

eating

2008-02-04T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have a stomach-ache. :-( I am seriously considering sending the brownies to my mother.

But, mainly I'm back b/c I realized I forgot to comment on something.... The Biggest Loser (somewhat spoiler)...

So- my Black Team led by Jillian failed miserably at the weigh-in last week. Even Jillian's analysis was that it wasn't the work-outs- everyone was working their asses off. It was the food. And she knew it. And they all knew it. And it showed on the scale w/ some people losing nothing and others gaining. It was a sad sad day for Jillian and the NOT Biggest Loser's.

Which is something I have been thinking almost from the beginning of this...

Yes, I need to work out like crazy BUT it is worthless if I don't have the food under control first.
Even WeightWatchers doesn't tell you about how you can add Activity Points back into your day until like the 3rd or 4th week of the program. Food first, then workouts.

So I recommit to the basics. I have a solid work-out plan in place this week. It should be good- but I will not beat myself up if I miss some of it.

MAINLY- I need to focus on healthy eating- especially at night.

Also- on a sidenote- I also realized that normal sized people just don't get it. This comes from watching the last episode w/ 'em. They just don't relate to Biggest Loser in the same way- or have the right kind of sympathy or empathy w/ these people. The contestants don't have all this extra weight b/c they're lazy (well, maybe some of it). But mostly it's a sympton of a problem. It's a coping mechanism for something they've had to deal with. And it pisses me off that people don't get it. But that's ok. To each their own. I don't get how anyone likes Hollywood- it's beyond me. I don't care to get it nor can I really sympathize w/ any of the woes that come w/ a Hollywood lifestyle- so- to each their own.

I am kind of excited to see what I can do this week. Despite my morning brownie downfall, I'm in a good place about the eating this week-- hopefully it'll show up on the scale next Saturday!

eat, drink, and be merry

2008-02-04T10:34:00.000-08:00

I just ate a brownie.

And so the battle with my weekend begins. How do people ever lose weight? They must become hermits. And never see their friends to eat, drink, and be merry.

This wknd was better than last- and I have a whole workout plan laid.

AND- the best news is that I cleaned my kitchen. No dirty dishes- everything in its place. That is what will REALLY help this week!

Now, if I could just throw all the brownies away....

on my way

2008-02-02T09:20:00.000-08:00

I lost 0.8 lbs. today! WooHoo! That is almost a full pound!

I am now only 7.8lbs away from my 10% goal!

I am so happy. Right after I accepted the fact that I might gain this week, the 3 extra pounds that had accumulated on my home scale started dropping. And I was down 0.2 on my home scale this morning.

I still maintained the fear as I stepped on the scale at WW this a.m. - I was hoping to just stay the same, and not gain. It couldn't have been better!

This is *almost* a happier time than hitting that 20lb mark. Almost.

I'm on my way to my first HUGE goal that I've never been able to hit. I will hit it within the next month and there will be rejoicing all across the land that is the LBC. ;)

it will get easier.

2008-01-31T23:11:00.001-08:00

I'm going to gain this week. I have accepted it. I am up on my home scale. And I'm eating within my points but I'm not really exercising. I'm not derailing and eating anything and everything as I would have in the past; I'm just dealing with it and basically can't wait for the week to start anew on Saturday morning.

Usually if I have a bad week, it follows with a pretty good week- so I am looking forward to NEXT week. I still plan to hit my first 10% loss before the end of February.

I've made some serious progress this week despite the numbers on the scale. I've figured a lot out about myself and how I function and why- more than I can even chronicle here. So if the price is a gain this week so that I can keep moving forward in the future- I think it will be worth it.

This is where I've stopped in the past because there is work to be done here that I didn't want to touch... but I am now...

I think I'm only going to start sounding more mental here as this goes on.
I like to say about that marathon- anyone can run a marathon, but you have to really want to do it. And that took more mental strength than it did physical strength, in the end.

The first 20 lbs has been like a warm-up run. You think it's hard at the time, but you have no idea what lies ahead of you. It's like the "easy breezy" 8miler runs that gets to be cake in the end, but at the beginning, you can't believe you've covered 8 miles. And you hurt. Or- you think you do. You don't really know what pain is yet, but it's good you don't know- or you wouldn't keep showing up to do the work.

It's going to be like that with the weight-loss. Each new level is going to seem hard, until I hit the next one.

I think another comparison can be made... when I started marathon training, I'd have a few drinks early in the week before my run. But as the runs got longer, and longer, and still longer, I cut that out entirely- even if it was one beer on a Monday - because it just wasn't worth the pain when I was gonna feel it on that long run on Saturday. These setbacks are kind of like that. Eventually, I'll remember the "pain" of going thru this week and I'll stop slipping up on crappy food and it will get easier.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself today: it will get easier.

not giving in

2008-01-30T15:55:00.000-08:00

i think this is one of those 1 step forward- 2 steps back things... and no- i'm not talking "opposites attract" old skool paula abdul.

i took a huge step forward last week- and now i'm falling backwards this week. i'm up 2 lbs on my home scale from my bender this weekend. and the sad thing is- that's what my life looked like on a regular basis not too long ago. the good news is that derailing now looks a lot better than what derailing pre-ww looked like.

and i went to the gym last night... but the eating is just barely under control- it's not completely under control this week.

i'm not going to just totally give in- as i have done in the past- but it is an internal battle of the weirdest kind. I'm tired. I need to infuse this habit change process w/ some variety I think. Time to switch it up- somehow...

I've been allowing trigger foods and situations back into my life and clearly I'm not ready for them yet.

trashing success

2008-01-29T16:38:00.000-08:00

i had pinkberry and a delish lean cuisine today- along w/ other assorted "on program" snacks.
you know, i had a lean cuisine for dinner last night that was also delish. i have never been super into the frozen food thing (unless you count some of the frozen bagged stuff from TJ's)... but maybe i should start looking at keeping my freezer stocked. this seems to be a good way to manage points and eat almost real food that's pretty good. i have been putting it onto real plates as well so i don't feel like its in some crappy packaging. which always seems to help. it's my lazy way to stay on track.

i still have 18 points left for today- which is a lot. i will have subway for dinner, after i work-out, and watch the biggest loser. i also need to pick up some more golden spoon to stock in the freezer.

i am still really irritated w/ how boring i feel about all that. but i'll get over it, i think.

cooking for one is kind of a bitch. i mean- i don't want to eat the same things every single day (aside from starbucks and golden spoon) so having leftovers is not really helpful. and making a meal for one person seems like so much effort sometimes.

i'm just still whiney about it all right now b/c i'm mad at myself for derailing this weekend. my home scale says i'm up those 2lbs i lost to hit my 20lb goal. so i have to LOSE those 2 lbs again just to maintain this week.

success... this is not just a weight issue but a common problem in my life in general. once upon a time i was really great at everything i did. and somewhere along the way i started fucking it all up.

i am deserving of this weight-loss success. i am! it just isn't sinking in deep enough to keep me focused every single day. more changes to come.

***

i was recently reminded of the last time i thought i was getting remotely thinner... it was around 03 or 04, when i went to my friend lauren's wedding in vegas at the bellagio. i can remember every single outfit i wore that weekend. and how great i felt about myself. i didn't hate my life. i was really enjoying it. i was working in beverly hills and my job hadn't gotten boring yet and i was dating a few people. i had just extricated myself from a terrible job that had been taking over my life- not to mention my soul.

before that, i think the last time i felt "thin" or on my way to thin was 95-97- my jr and sr yr's of high school when i took phen-fen. and before that, my last significant memory of really working at the weight-loss was around 5th or 6th grade... that's when it started. i'd been a heavy kid... i remember recital dance outfits not fitting right... but before that, if you get back to it. i'd been ok until about 3rd grade...

food as a coping mechanism. i remember D.A.R.E. coming to our classes to warn us against drugs. i started my rebellion around 7th grade.

i think i always knew about myself that if i ever really got into drugs or alcohol that it could be the end of my life. that it would be the end of my life. i think i knew about addiction really early. and i'm not sure why, or how. but i knew that i had inside me, a tendency towards destruction.

i had a fear about those commercials "this is your brain- this is your brain on drugs" - with the eggs in the fying pan. i didn't want to sizzle my brain like the eggs in the pan and the next best choice was extreme- voluminous amounts of sugary treat-like foods.

i used to walk to 7-11 w/ my best friend nikki and i always got a reese's peanut butter cup. i usually got 4-5 items but i remember the reese's.

nikki and i got older and we used to hang out under the seal beach pier, and at the lakewood mall. when we got too cold under the pier- we walked back to taco bell and mcdonald's on pch- she would always only get coffee. i would always get nachos and fries.

i can't begin to think of the dollars i have eaten- and now, with age, drinken away.

nikki's house was a wonderland of junk- and she was always given dessert- b/c she wasn't gaining weight as a kid ... i was gaining it for her.

guys were into her, not me.
she was blonde, and cute, and crazy, and artistic, and super fun.
i was not blonde. but i had the brains, and the money. nikki wasn't not smart, but she did have learning disabilities.

and so that was the trade-off. i was the smart one- and she was the pretty one.

i used to always think as a kid when we went shopping for school clothes, that i was really lucky that my parents could afford to buy the more expensive fat clothes for me. if we found one item that fit me, we bought it in every color they offered. i used to literally, literally think, in a childlike way, that that was the tradeoff. you could be skinny and beautiful- or you could be fat and ugly, but buy your way out of it, maybe. i was always bitter b/c you can always make more money- but you can't change the science of who you are, trapped inside a body you hate.

and clearly you grow up and you learn better.
but some things get hard-wired and you can't kill the neurological pathways that have been burned into your brain over the years.

maybe i've been trashing the smart me, to somehow find the pretty me.

i won't do my laundry. i won't hang up my clothes. i won't buy new ones. i refuse.
i can't find a groove to settle into in my career. and i keep not submitting my mba / grad school apps. i won't retake the gmat. i won't do any of it.

i'm trashing the intelligent person i was- b/c i still think it's a trade-off. that i can't have both.
i'd give anything to be one of the skinny, pretty girls. i really would- you'd be surprised, what i'm willing to give up to have that. and i know it's shallow. and at the same time that i want it- i hate myself a little bit for that fact. and any one of you who is going to comment that beauty is on the inside- you may as well ice your face now before i smack you. that may be the truth. but it is not the society we live in. and maybe that means society is wrong- but i don't fucking care.

but i'm real clear now... i've been trashing my success, and my life in general, in a sad, unconscious pursuit of a "new and improved" me that isn't ever going to exist. at least, not in the way my head has created it.

i am hardwired to believe it is a trade-off.
it's not.

i will get thin. and i will love my life again. but there is a long road ahead. and a large scary space to hang out in while i figure it all out.

i don't want carrots

2008-01-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

i need to bitch. this is so much work. its so much effort. all day. every day. every night. i'm so tired of it right now.

i don't want carrots, i want pizza. and more to the point- i want to be one of the skinny people who can eat pizza and real coca-cola all day long and not gain an ounce. i hate those people. why can't i be blessed w/ that metabolism? :( meh.

i dont want to track everything i eat for the rest of my life. but i really am probably going to have to do it.

you know- normal addicts -to anything- have it easier, in a way. if you smoke- when you quit, you just don't ever have a cigarette. if you go to AA, you just don't ever have a drink. you're not forced into having smaller portions of your drug of choice. you don't have to be tempted by having just one hit, but no more. i know i know- my analogy isn't right b/c a 'real' addiction is serious- but you know- i seriously feel like "one day at time" applies here.

and i hate today.

it's hard b/c i totally went off plan this weekend. i had BJ's pizza, and a crazy delish french dinner, and brie, and wine, and greasy eggs and toast at Denny's, and CPK. I ate out the entire weekend- and I was never home. And it was my old life. And I miss it.

And now I am back to getting back "on plan" and it sucks.
I guess the point is that I am getting back on plan. I'm doing it.

But I miss my old life. And I'm angry that I have to give it up.

I did it!

2008-01-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

I have lost a total of 20.4 pounds as of 9am on Saturday. I lost 2.4lbs this week.

My victory is somewhat being shadowed by the fact that I have eaten like CRAP this weekend ever since. But I still have a whole week to balance that out. Next week I'll be thrilled so long as I don't gain.

I am 8.6lbs away from my 10% goal. The goal I have NEVER been able to attain no matter how many times I've tried weight watchers. The 20lb goal is nothing compared to what losing "10%" will mean to me.

And I think it's about to get harder. See, even though I've lost 20lbs and that's fantastic, I really put those pounds on in the last 6 months to a year. Before that, I was holding steady for some time at around the weight I am now. So my body knows that weight. My body is comfy w/ that weight and is happy to have returned to it. I am going to have to force my body into losing more fat- despite it's will to store it for winter. ;)

Also, I have to assess the fact that I didn't immediately report my victory. Instead, immediately- I turned to food. Those 2.4 that I took off this week to hit 20, were likely put right back on this weekend. Sneaky-Self-Sabotage, my friend. Its only been 2 days. I have plenty of time to regroup from that over this week... but I did some damage in the last 48 hours. WHY? Cocky-ness from success? Inability to cope w/ success? Denial? Pure emotional joy hand-to-mouth action? I'm not really sure what the hold up here is- but I am ready to admit that there is one here.

And again, that is something I'm going to have to change to keep doing this. And doing it well.

It has to be my first priority.

I ..... must..... be ..... my..... first..... priority..... every..... time.

not natural

2008-01-25T12:48:00.001-08:00

The scale is still saying ok things today. That's fantastic. One more day of good eating to get through- and maybe a walk if there's a decent break in the rain to go for it.

I have a hot date of laundry and reading planned for myself tonight. (Man, this healthy business has made me boring - particularly on Friday nights)...

If I lose this week with less exercise, that's not going to be a great reinforcement for next week. But I know it's all cyclical. I am really starting to figure out though that it's more about the food than the exercise right now. Not that I'm not saying the exercise isn't also important. But, I guess I am trying to say this: It is easier for me to add lots of exercise into a week, than it is for me to eat well, for an entire week. So for me, the food remains the focal point of this process.

The exercise is awesome- and a key component to feeling well, and strong, and healthy. But the food is my downfall. And even though I started Weight Watchers again in September, and REALLY started doing it hardcore back in November, that is only a small blip on the radar of my entire life of unhealthy eating. So, I still don't have it under control. It still has to be this huge effort. It is not natural yet. And every DAY or HOUR that I forget that, I don't take the weight off.

repost - reformat

2008-01-25T00:36:00.000-08:00

Alright- here is that bottom half of the last post- re-typed, because apparently I can't format, and I can't code. And blogger is pissing me off right now... But alas- here is the full text from the bottom half of below...

I'm not really sure I ever realized its almost exactly 1 mile. That's like day one though. It gets longer. And harder. Right now, I run for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. So unless I plan on doing a 5min. mile- I'm gonna have to start working on running longer.

I hit a running wall at about 7 minutes, but I think I can do 10 minutes solid if I go really slow, and push really hard. So basically, I need to practice ... I've got one more week before that starts. I am excited! Which MUST mean I've clearly forgotten how hard it is :)

But it will make me healthy- and it will make me lose weight- and it will instill fear inside of me for eating ANYthing "bad" which will be GREAT for my eating habits. I own 8lb and 12lb weights. I sort of breezed thru 10 for a short period of time, last time around. I know to start with my 8's, but since I've been doing 24lift and 24set, I sort of want to start with my 12's. I am positive that's not a great idea for day one.

Also- I need to go shop for some water resistant type sports wear. Bootcamp is dirty. You sweat and then you roll around on the grass, and then you sweat some more. And then the grass is damp, so you're sweaty, and wet from the grass, and dirty. I've never looked hotter, let me tell you. So I need some sporty attire that is water resistant to help me feel less disgusting in general.

Oh my goodness, I just remembered... the stairs! I have clearly blocked out all kinds of running drills. They are starting to come back to me. Around this mini-track, and up and down a steep hill, and around cones, ... oh my goodness I totally forgot the reality. But you know, while I was there doing it, it was seriously the fastest hour ... I was never checking my watch. It's a good thing I don't really have a complex about being last-- at least when it comes to physical stuff. I am totally the slowest person there. In a strange way, it’s kind of the best- b/c I'm only ever competing with myself to finish. Oh I am going to have many a story to tell when this starts, I can already feel it.

Anticipation... change... sweat!

Anticipation... change... sweat!

2008-01-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

no running. no kickboxing. i'm totally ok with it.

i hadn't been to the gym since monday... until tonight. i didn't go to a class- just did the precor elliptical for about 30min. and then the 24 weight circuit.

ate some of my weekly flex points today- i have plenty left this week.

again- could be doing better w/ the water and the fruits & veggies.

but my scale at home is being kind this week. i'm not worrying about it.

i'm just eating within my points and doing the best i can and hopefully that will be enough this week.

bootcamp is fast approaching so i really need to start getting more of those runs in if i am to survive that. the "typical" starting run / warm-up of bootcamp is the following... always with a few twists and turns thrown in....

&amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.mapmyrun.com/run/united-states/ca/los-angeles/425432989"&amp;amp;gt;bootcamp warm-up&amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;br/&amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.mapmyrun.com/find-run/united-states/ca/los-angeles"&amp;amp;gt;Find more Runs in Los Angeles, California&amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;gt;

I'm not really sure I ever realized its almost exactly 1 mile. That's like day one though. It gets longer. And harder.  Right now, I run for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. So unless I plan on doing a 5min. mile- I'm gonna have to start working on running longer.
I hit a running wall at about 7 minutes, but I think I can do 10 minutes solid if I go really slow, and push really hard.
So basically, I need to practice ... I've got one more week before that starts. I am excited! Which MUST mean I've clearly forgotten how hard it is :)

But it will make me healthy- and it will make me lose weight- and it will instill fear inside of me for eating ANYthing "bad" which will be GREAT for my eating habits.
I own 8lb and 12lb weights. I sort of breezed thru 10 for a short period of time, last time around. I know to start with my 8's, but since I've been doing 24lift and 24set, I sort of want to start with my 12's.
I am positive that's not a great idea for day one.

Also- I need to go shop for some water resistant type sports wear. Bootcamp is dirty. You sweat and then you roll around on the grass, and then you sweat some more. And then the grass is damp, so you're sweaty, and wet from the grass, and dirty.
I've never looked hotter, let me tell you. So I need some sporty attire that is water resistant to help me feel less disgusting in general.

Oh my goodness, I just remembered... the stairs! I have clearly blocked out all kinds of running drills. They are starting to come back to me. Around this mini-track, and up and down a steep hill, and around cones, ... oh my goodness I totally forgot the reality. But you know, while I was there doing it, it was seriously the fastest hour ... I was never checking my watch.
It's a good thing I don't really have a complex about being last-- at least when it comes to physical stuff. I am totally the slowest person there. In a strange way, its kind of the best- b/c I'm only ever competing with myself to finish. Oh I am going to have many a story to tell when this starts, I can already feel it.

Anticipation... change... sweat!

"In the Fatosphere..."

2008-01-22T08:52:00.000-08:00

"In the Fatosphere, Big Is in, Or At Least Accepted" is the title of a New York Times article today by By Roni Caryn Rabin.

If I weren't running out the door, I assure you, you'd have a very long and heated response.
So, it'll have to wait.

But, plain & simple, I don't agree.
It's great to find a level of acceptance with yourself... but that's not the only result of this type of thinking.

Personally, I've had my moments in this phase... but it's a phase, and not a sustainable way to live a true happy life. They say "Loving your Fat Self" is rejecting "Fear, Loathing & Sacrifice" ... I think loving yourself means that. But loving your fat self actually brings more of all 3.

coming home

2008-01-21T22:26:00.000-08:00

I went to 24Lift tonight. That class can seriously kick my ass. Especially b/c I keep going to different instructors- so just when you think you've got their shit down- someone new does something different. Which, I guess is good- so I don't get bored. But oh my god-- it can be painful.

I have 2 points left for the day which I think I am going to fill with a mini bag of popcorn and maybe some defrosted blackberries (my current snack of choice). I also have 5 "activity" points I've earned but I'm not using those.

I had Subway for dinner after my workout which was delicious- and also a new part of the routine.

I vow to try out Turbo Kick Boxing tomorrow-- which I have NEVER done before. I haven't even really watched it. So that'll be an interesting experience. No running yet- I don't think I'm going to get to it until Wednesday. But I think kickboxing will be some fab cardio.

I am actually really excited for my Wednesday workout. I am going to be up in LA so I am going to do my SantaMonica-Venice-Marina run and then go to my old 24hr and use the machines there. No one seemed to offer a class in the afternoon which is when I will be killing time ... so its the perfect excuse to run my old routes. I'm not sure which one I'm doing yet- but I lean towards the Marina loop... or maybe south in the marina out to the bike path. I can't decide yet. But I am excited for it. Who knew?

I'm on a daily reporting kick again... b/c I need it to hold me accountable apparently. I ran some numbers today. And my original estimates to get down to 155 by the end of '08 are somewhat crazy. That was based on a loss of 2.5lbs/wk with no room for error. It is possible to lose that much when you're at high weights like I am now- but there is no way I'll be able to keep that up, realistically. So I still, now, aspire to lose 2.0 lbs/wk. (A little better at falling into reality land- but not by much.) That still gets me to goal by next January, which is ok with me. However, there are significant gaps of time by dropping even into the 1.5 or 1.25 lbs/wk range. 1.5 will put me at summer 09, and 1.25 puts me almost another full year away from my original goal- at December 2009.

So, I know it makes me a little anal for running these #s constantly and playing with the scenarios. What can I say? It's my sickness. And they really are all ok- so long as I hit 155lbs before I hit age 30. That's my big hang-up. But, instead of letting the time slowing get me down... I am using it to stay on track. It makes me realize that any sort of indulgence that could take away .25 or .5 of any given week's loss, just ain't worth it. And it helps me maintain my resolve and determination.

This is most clearly evidenced by eating out, and with alcohol consumption. Two of my faves! I know I cannot eliminate these things entirely because that is totally unrealistic. However, I really need to limit them until I am further along in this journey. I don't do very well with limits in general. That's how I got to be this fat in the first place. So it is a learning process.

I am determined to change this. Committing to this is helping me make the rest of my life more of what I want it to be as well. That is slowly slowly inching towards some sort of shape...
I am not sure Long Beach is where I want to be forever, but I am sure I had to come home to do this.

cooking for one

2008-01-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

So, I have re-evaluated the data. :) Just saying that makes me laugh a little.

In any case, while I wanted to hit my 10% goal before the end of January- and in the back of my mind I thought sometime in February would be ok too- it's a short month...

The reality is, if I lose at the current pace I am on, I won't hit my 10% mark until March 8th.

That is ok. Or at least, that is what I have on repeat in my head in hopes of truly believing it soon.

So to inspire myself, I already picked out my reward class.

It's in the BRAND new Hipcooks WEST location which just opened- with the owner (Monika) herself. And it couldn't be more perfect...

"Cooking For One...
Healthy, cheap, quick and easy (just like you, right? just kidding!) Meals that you can make for just you. Of course, they could also be made for two – you singles can mingle in this class! A barrage of items on the menu!
Butternut squash, apple and ginger soup, my fave pasta in the world, pizzette with caramelized shallots, proscuitto, rosemary and goat cheese, tilapia with salsa verde and puy lentils. Apple galette for the sweet tooth."

It's on a Tuesday night - 3/18 to be exact (from 7-10pm) and I'm registering to commit myself to this goal. Her purchases can be used on other classes if you have to cancel, so I figure I'm in the clear if I don't make my goal and need to adjust the date... but I won't do that. :)

There are about 12-14 open spaces right now and they fill up quickly... if anyone is interested in joining me-- it is a fantastic fun time-- and really delicious food too!

I am now exactly 2 lbs. away from hitting that 20lb total loss. It WILL be gone this week. Running is going to get me there... along with everything else. Also- I forgot to mention that I was actually awarded some "stay and succeed" charm for hitting like a 16 week commitment or something. It was funny to get it on a week that I gained... but it was still beneficial to know that merely hangin in there is just as (if not more) important as the # on the scale.

Does anyone else see that once I had a clear # in my head I haven't been able to hit it? When I was just trying to do my best, without looking at the stats and #s and planning it all out to the last ounce lost, I was doing great. I gotta get back to that mentality... and asap!

swinging... no, not that kind ;)

2008-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

I am disappointed to report I gained 0.4 of a lb. this week. Clearly, feeling like I was taking a break, meant I actually was. I know this is not a huge set-back, and it was bound to happen at some point. However, I remain irritated.

I am back to the crazy tracking and exercising. I think the main things that went wrong last week were that I ate out quite a bit... I allowed Noah's bagels a couple times (I tend to have an addiction here), ... and I did not run. Also, I didn't eat all my points some days- and despite not running, I was working out pretty hard on Mon,Wed&Fri... so I think maybe I screwed w/ my metabolism. I also ate virtually no fruits & veggies.

So- this week will be better. That 0.4 could have been anything from water weight from salty foods on Thurs/Fri, to lactic acid from doing more free weight work. I hope... :D

So- this week will be better. I am drinking all my water, measuring tablespoons, not eating anything that I don't know exactly how many points are in it... I am not using all my weekly flex points this weekend so I will have them to use accordingly throughout the week. I am planning my food, grocery shopping and preparing.

I'm back to the crazy vigilance ... but it's good. The mini swings of the weightloss pendulum are necessary for me to find the balance point. It's the huge swings that get me into trouble...

i have not quit

2008-01-18T12:07:00.000-08:00

so- thank you to everyone for all the spectacular support! really- it means so much to me. i cannot thank you enough for the kind words and random quotes, and various emails and many many conversations. it is all helping me on my way.

some of you are freaking out that i have quit (ahem, you know who you are) since i haven't posted in a few days. pffftt! puh-lease. i am just not as mental about it this week.

some of you have told me its like a written reality show. cool! i'm glad you're hooked. hehe. it holds me accountable.

here's a quick overview so you know i haven't given up.

the good:
~ i have worked out m-w-f this week at 24hr weight classes (24Lift & 24Set)
these have all been with different instructors and i'm finding out which ones i love, which ones i hate, and which ones i love to hate.
~ i have stayed within my points, and have even stayed well under on a few days
~ i have not let the process control me this week- i am now controlling it
~ i have started the process of trying to get this crazy weight watchers "on-the-go" program onto my treo. once functioning, this will be a GREAT tool for me. i have avoided trying to get this working for awhile b/c i am not tech savvy enough- but i am finally attempting it!

the bad:
~ i haven't tracked everything "religiously" ... meaning, i've got the food down, but i haven't really taken note of how many fruits/veggies, how much water, how much salt, etc. ... which can all affect things.
~ i haven't run, at all (but my weight classes have cardio- tons of it)
~ i ate chinese food on sunday & last night... while i controlled it all- we'll see how the salt affects things
~ i used my weekly extra flex points pretty much all last weekend on alcohol and taco bell, which could be good or bad.

we'll see how well the easing up on the reins has worked on the scale this week. new adjustments to be made accordingly next week!

Im actually doing pretty well at this

2008-01-15T23:53:00.000-08:00

So- everything is both a little harder and a little easier.

Tonight I was at an event that I just did NOT think and anticipate the food that would be there. I was totally caught off guard and not at all prepared to not eat in a room full of delish treats.

Luckily, I'd just eaten. However, I did not have FREE wine, I had pellegrino w/ lime. I did not have chocolate cake. I did not have cheese and crackers, I had one bagel chip. Just one. And trust me, luckily I got distracted or I would have gone back for more of those.

But I maintained and stuck to what I planned to eat for most of the day. I have had a slight problem with this bag of candy of Sour Balls from Disneyland that I found a day or two ago... but even that is not really a problem.

I worked out yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow. There is no question. Even when I am dreading going- I just do it anyway.

I do have some slight fear b/c I am not acting "vigilant" about it all and I worry that I could be screwing it up when I am so close to that 20lb mark. But at the same time, I sort of think I am not supposed to live in that insanity forever- or I won't stick to this. It has to feel easier at some point in order to keep moving forward.

I could be drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. That's about it right now. It's good. Because I was getting tired. Now, I somehow feel like I've got a break-- even though I'm not "off" the plan.

a message to myself

2008-01-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

I just re-read some of my favorite quotes I have posted on mySpace. They've been there awhile now. Maybe I should pay attention to myself sometime...

I've needed to hear all of these at one time or another... it was only a matter of time until I was in need of all them converging into one mass media message to myself...

Fave Quotes:

"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire. You will what you imagine. And at last, you create what you will."
-- George Bernard Shaw

"There comes a time when it's more than just a game. And you either take that step forward, or turn & walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing: I love the playing field."
-- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

"Forgiveness, is accepting the fact, that the past could have been any different"
-- someone on Oprah, and subsequently, Oprah Winfrey

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
-- the mugs at coffee bean

things i don't want to know

2008-01-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

I had a new epiphany in the car on the way home from dinner tonight. What if I lose the weight? I mean- really- what if I succeed? Then what?

I won't have a built-in excuse anymore.

If a guy just isn't into me- I won't be able to blame the weight.
If I don't get a job I want- I won't be able to blame the weight.

Whatever it is that I'm going to fuck up in the future- because I will- because I'm human- I will have to face- instead of blame the weight.

There- that's one.

Two is this- what if I succeed? Well- why the hell couldn't I have done this when I was 10 years old? When I first tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig BOTH for the 1st time. (Yes, that's right- 10 yrs old people) Well, if I do it now- and can lose all the weight and can succeed, why couldn't I do it then? Who and what have I pushed out of my life or let go of because of the weight? What if I could have gone to my prom? What if I would've gone to a different college? What if I could have pledged a sorority like I wanted most in the world when I was 17 but was shut out of... What if? What if? What if? If I succeed- and prove I can do it- and I didn't do it THEN... How could I have let so many years of happiness pass me by? How could I have let that happen? If I win at this now, how can I live with the fact that I let myself fail at it for 18 years?

***

I am not someone who just needs to lose weight and is finally doing it. I am not that person. I was never someone just going to grow out of their chunky preteen years. That's not me. It's not just some cool journey. It's who I am.

The weight that I carry around with me- good and bad- is a piece- a very very large piece (no pun intended) of who I am. My identity has been shaped around it. Formed, and molded, to fit, very tightly, around it. And if I have to get rid of it- if I really have to do this- I am going to have large gaping holes in the whole game of "Who am I?"

I am: the friend of the hot girl- the one the guys talk to about the girl they want "So what's the deal with your friend?" is standard to hear in my life, constantly.
I am not: ever, the one they are talking about

I am: the faithful listener
I am not: the center of attention

I am: the critical eye to help a friend shopping for an outfit for a hot date
I am not: ever taking friends shopping w/ me when I'm really buying real fat clothes (mostly)

I am: the bridesmaid
I am not: the bride

I am: partying single girl
I am not: the domesticated wife

I am: the helper
I am not: the do-er

I am: the Friend
I am not: the Girlfriend

I am: behind the scenes
I am not: center stage

I am terrified of losing the weight more than I ever knew.
I am not sure how I am going to find a new identity to believe in.

But I know I have to change at least 50% of what I believe about myself, in order to do this. It's getting hard. I have some super success. And, I'm about 10 lbs away from my 1st 10% goal. This is where I usually walk away.

a pattern emerges

2008-01-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

I am starting to figure out that the binge eating is triggered by late night rejection. Now, don't think I haven't known that- forever. But I didn't realize it as one of the single biggest problems I have with this whole process of losing weight & becoming healthy.

I did SO well last night out partying. I had plenty of points saved up for drinks and I had chicken tacos a la carte somewhere halfway through! Twas SUCH fun times!

...

But on the late night return home, after another few FULLY expected disappointments w/ various guys, I somehow found myself at the Taco Bell drive through.

Now- I have improved. My order was not huge, but I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I have late night "healthy" munchie food in my freezer for this exact purpose. I did not need the Taco Bell. And I was half aware of this even as I placed the order. But I couldn't stop myself.

I wasn't trying to "sober up" and I wasn't hungry. So, the only explanation I can arrive at is emotional binge eating. If I don't want to be alone, the food will keep me company. It doesn't judge and it is consistent and reliable... things I'm not getting anywhere else...

Constant. This is constantly my life. Believing that years of my life are worth more than this crap shouldn't be hard. But I still don't know how to change it, yet.

I would burn them

2008-01-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

I am down 2lbs. this week. And while I thought last night that that would be failure, I have new perspective on it today. I am sane again. 2lbs is great! I will hit the 20lb. mark next week for sure. I know it. I'm ok with it. It's moving a little more slowly that I would like, but that just means I need to exercise more. And that is ok too. It makes me feel great-- once I am done. It's getting there that is the hard part.

So this week I will continue to stay on track w/ the eating. It's getting easier. And I will exercise my heart out. And I'll feel great- and I will not be a crazy person this week. :-D

I have to put my bridesmaid dress order in on Monday... that will be interesting. Here's the fun thing about being fat and ordering one of these dresses... not only will I be ordering the largest size that they offer, which is additionally expensive by $20-$50 more than regular sizes, but I will probably ALSO be ordering extra fabric- just in case it needs to be let out, and I will be ordering the dress w/ an extra 6inches of length at the bottom- not b/c I'm tall- but b/c the extra width to me will take up that extra length- not vertically. All of these things are separate, extra charges, for the regular ol' fat person.

No one really shares the horror that this truly is. And I know its not just me. B/c I mean- the sizes are offered. So that's just business. No one said- I think we should offer plus sizes b/c that'd be nice of us- they said- we should offer plus sizes and charge more b/c they'll pay it b/c they have to. And I think more than 60% of America is overweight. So I know I'm not alone here. But no one will tell you how truly expensive all clothes are for the fat people you know. And I know you know them. And it is ironic- since clothes shopping is such a demoralizing horrible experience to begin with, for my people at least. Yes, I said "my people" ... yes, we are an entirely separate demographic. We go shopping for shoes and make-up. B/c that's the bottom line for fun for us.

I had dresses made for my bat-mitzvah. And I didn't attend my prom- or a winter formal- ever. Not because I was lame and had no friends. I'm pretty sure most of my friends were mad at me for not going. I didn't go because I couldn't wear anything. I'm pretty sure I wore men's jeans from the gap for most of my youth. Because the plus size market has grown with my age. It didn't exist then. Fun stores like Torrid weren't around. Media didn't cover it as an epidemic yet. It was shameful and horrible and it still is- but ironically I have to be grateful the correct sizes are even offered- now.

I am close to 20lbs down, and I have stuck w/ this solidly for 17 weeks now, going on 18. When I hit a solid size 18, I will be thrilled. And when I hit a size 12, I might cry- b/c the last time I barely fit into that size was when I was taking "phen-fen" during my junior and senior years of high school.

Each time I hit a new size- I'm giving my clothes away. Because I will NEVER wear them again. If I didn't want to see them go to good use for someone else- I would burn them.