Time Passes Anyway

So it's been a few years since I've posted on this blog... in that time, my boyfriend became my husband. I put on all the weight and more that I lost just before I met him. I tried to lose some more weight before my wedding but was reasonably satisfied with where I was at - at that time. And I was happy.

In a few short years... my life changed significantly, and was ... is ... wonderful.

I got engaged in 2013, married in 2014 & we bought a house in 2015.  I stabilized my business that had gone thru the roof in that time in 2016 and in January of 2017, I became pregnant with our baby girl, Shelby. All was right with the world.

At 24 weeks, with our baby due in just 3 short months, she was stillborn and I delivered her on June 26th. There is no reason. Nothing has been right since.

I have drilled the doctors and none of them will tell me the weight was the reason. That's all I really want -- is one of them to man up enough to flat out tell me I killed our baby because of the 100s of extra pounds. But no one will say it. In fact, they argue with me that it was NOT. The most I have ever been able to get out of anyone is that it can be a contributing factor to high blood pressure and that's not great for the baby -- but still not the cause in this situation because I very clearly did not have preeclampsia. Most of them in fact keep telling me how women "much much larger" than me have had perfectly healthy pregnancies. That's supposed to make me feel -- better?  There's "no reason you can't try again."

I have read and re-read many of past posts on here and I can't begin to explain how ... elementary ... it all seems now. I started this blog MORE than 10 years ago ... I stated with a goal of completion of the weightloss by the end of '08....  right.

I am both a completely different person, and, exactly the same. I care about so much more - and so much less, now. I'm not sharing this so that someone else could benefit and feel "not alone." I'm not entirely certain why I feel the need to share these thoughts ... but if I had to wager, I'd say it's because I am SO angry with myself, and the world, that I need both an outlet to let out some of the steam to avoid explosion - or implosion. And also because, while this weightloss business was a lonely road before - it is a whole new kind of isolation when combined with a post-partum stillbirth journey. There is not a soul, that I know, that can possibly understand this quiet, relentless, personal hell. I can step outside of it for long, long periods of time, but it hasn't softened, yet. It usually comes at night ... around 9:30pm, and I can feel an ache in my back where the epidural was. There is apparently such a thing as postpartum post traumatic stress - I'm pretty sure I had it intensely in the first month -- that may have actually softened.

So, I can't go to a postpartum pilates class for pelvic floor disorders, because everyone there has a baby. And I can't really keep up in my old classes because I hurt in places I never knew about in my body. And I have to avoid the yoga class I really like because it is scheduled right next to the prenatal yoga classes and I can't possibly risk running into those women if I can't get out of there fast enough. And I can't commiserate with anyone about any of that pelvic pain because you only understand if you've been thru a delivery -- and if you've been thru a delivery then you have a baby, or child-- and pity in your eyes when you talk to me about ANY of the postpartum problems because how AWFUL it must be to deal with saggier breasts and larger feet and lose half your shoes -- which are all a fat girl really has to begin with -- when all of these ailments are supposed to be eased by the joy of having your baby. And you are right -- it is awful.

And good lord help you if you so much as breathe one word to me about your fucking miscarriage -- IT IS NOT THE SAME. I don't care how you frame it - I don't care if you say "I know it's not the same" before you try to tell me how it's the same - I don't care how many weeks or whatever the circumstances - if you are using the word "miscarriage" instead of "stillbirth" -- shut the FUCK up! You do NOT know. Also, if you are now pregnant, thanks for telling me, I appreciate that over seeing it in a facebook post. However, we don't need to talk about it after that. Save it for your mom friends or other pregnant friends. Do not invite me to your shower and do not invite me to anyone else's. Most certainly do not GUSH to me about how excited you are that it's a girl! When you are 24 weeks, imagine, just IMAGINE, having to go to the hospital right this minute to deliver your already dead baby, after having carried her for 6 months, and then tell me I should be on the mend and starting to feel better.

This January, about 1 week shy of the anniversary of becoming pregnant last year, I am 10lbs heavier than I was last year. Which is 20lbs heavier than where I was just after birth around the start of July. And I want to care but I just don't. I mean -- I care ... but I just don't have it in me to care enough to take the right actions. I want to eat whatever the fuck I want. And I don't want to work out. Because it is really painful to workout, do pilates, squat, or even walk more than 15-20 minutes. Also, I simply don't want to put in the work. That's really the bottom line. When I am willing to do the work, I see results. But when I'm not, I gain another 10lbs overnight. I'm just so tired.

And I've read a lot of my old posts - some were just like this - depressing & complaining. Others were super pumped up and inspired. Many of them were pointless. Many more of them coming from a place of hopelessness - and others were motivated & ready to try again. Even the rewards and goals and crazy structures & deadlines I built for myself were ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous! I should not have to create fake rewards for myself like designer purses or dream travel trips -- the reward should be getting to live in a healthy body -- not having to ask for a seat belt extender on a plane -- which has NEVER been true until I became pregnant but it appears that one's just not going away either with how my body has changed. The rewards are -- getting to live a long healthy happy life ... and for some reason I never truly "got that" before. I thought I had to reward myself with a new wardrobe but all that "crap" comes naturally when you actually lose the weight -- it should NOT be your "why."

And in a year when I've had the most business success I've EVER known, it is MEANINGLESS to me now. I can't even enjoy it. Oh and -- no one talks about the finances either -- I have to pay for this baby we don't actually have. We planned our insurance around it and tried to be responsible to minimize cost while allowing dr. selection thru a PPO because I was cautious and careful and wanted to make sure I'd have the best care while being fiscally smart.  And knowing I was pregnant last January, we tax-planned around the baby too and all that has gone out the window of course. So I had to pay for this delivery too -- just like we had her healthy & happy. And we'll have to do it again -- g-d-willing -- if we become pregnant again.

So I sit and run #s just like I have my entire life ... if I lose 2lbs/wk that'll be 16lbs in 2 months / 8 weeks. If I lose 3lbs ... if I lose 4lbs... etc. until I decide none of it is attainable and throw it all out again. I've done it the other way around too, let's just focus on one week / one day -- what can I do today to be healthy ... but one day feels like it accomplishes nothing. And I know all about "the compound effect" but I just can't seem to buy into it around weightloss for myself. And, I can't even plan a year of weightloss like my OCD self would like right now because I also have to think about getting pregnant again relatively soon too.

I am pissed off that I should have to put in this magnitude of hard work at this juncture in my life to have something that most people have always had -- a normal sized, a healthy body. I genuinely don't feel that I eat truly differently than healthy normal sized people. In fact I eat healthier, and am more active, than a lot of people in significantly better shape than myself. But it continues to not fucking matter or make a difference.

And I am ANGRY about it. I'm angry about allllllllll of it. The time passes anyway.

#FindingMyHealthy

It's been awhile ...

Detox was successful. Mostly.

The best thing that came out of it was getting off of caffeine. I am officially DEcaffeinated! Yay!

But now it's time for more ... or less, as the case may be.

We've crafted some guidelines (not rules, just guidelines)

 1) no fried food
 2) no refined sugar
 3) no soda (this is already well in effect)
 4) lots of water (seems easy, but is hard for me to increase)
 5) no eating less than 3 hours before bedtime (also seemingly easy, but need to IMPLEMENT)
 6) no extraneous alcohol consumption (subject to interpretation)

 7) limited starbucks visits - 2-4 max per week
 8) reformer pilates at least 2x/week
 9) cardio at least 3x/week -- to be "figured out"
10) keep fruit, veggies & popcorn in the house at all times
11) which means - go grocery (& farmers market) shopping REGULARLY
12) actually make / cook the stuff bought there!
13) get as close to the "paleo" diet as I can handle, at this moment...

I've made these lists before... with hefty goals and markers for success.

Right now, my only goal is to clean out my kitchen tomorrow, and to go grocery shopping for healthiness! 

#findingmyhealthy

2013 ... Detox!

Lessons learned from detox:

Day 1: I am truly addicted to Starbucks. Not only am I physically addicted but I'm habitually addicted as well. I have a LOT more time in my day when I am not wasting time thinking about what I'm going to eat. And where. I think I was truly up to 3 stops a day...

Day 2: caffeine withdrawal hurts. I didn't even stop cold turkey, I'm weaning myself down, and it still hurts, a lot. After a nap, some Advil, a raging hot shower, and some lean protein, I feel MUCH better. #addict

I am really excited about healthy eating and cooking in 2013. I definitely feel my age and see 40 in the far off (but not THAT far off) future and want to be healthy, fit, and energized about life. At least, moreso than I am now.

What I am actually doing...
It's a 21 day detox supervised by Dr. Randy Weinzoff in Santa Monica. There are a MASS of supplements to take, 2 protein shakes per day, 1 piece of lean protein per day, and all the fruits and veggies I like. No salt. No alcohol (obviously).
I did this once before about 2-3 years ago and felt SO amazing by the end of it.

So the plan is to get rid of all my cravings and addictions, heal my digestive tract, and reset myself up for healthy success!

YAY 2013!

Now.

I'm back to tracking my food - pretty religiously. I'm back to "fit-bitting-ing" (see fitbit.com for more info on that).

I'm not yet back to the gym. I have fear. Knee-injury-knee-pain-fear. Going back to the gym in January sucks. There, I said it. If you've been going, you're annoyed by all the people there for their (our?) feeble resolutions, clogging up your routine. If you've not been going, you know that they know. And it sucks to feel like you're taking up space -- especially because -- if you haven't been going, you are literally taking up more space than the person next to you.

That can be next week's mission.

This week's mission is the food: tracking the food!

Monday I have an appointment with Dr. Randy Weinzoff. I'm going to do a 3 week cleanse type o thang, with him. I did it once before and had great results and it's a great way to sort of "jump-start" and kill your sugar cravings. I vaguely recall caffeine being eliminated too and I'm really not sure how that's gonna work out for me as I sit in Starbucks typing this... But I'm sure I'll find a way to survive that massive caffeine headache/hangover coming my way.

Meanwhile, let's talk about the motivation that's going to get me there--

CLOTHES!

Not just clothes, dresses. I'm currently obsessed with this one! 
And, did you know? Have you successfully blocked it out? Bathing suit season is coming, bitch!!! There won't be anyplace to hide in just 5 or 6 short short months!

Meanwhile, I am also attentive to the process of changing my work attire to be more "professional" ... and while I aspire to the Nordstrom's shopping one day of sizes under 16... right now, I am really ok with Lane Bryant, for now, not forever.

To be perfectly honest, the clothes and superficial motivations are top-of-mind right now ... they're helping me out!

But ultimately, I just want to FEEL healthy and "comfortable" inside my own body. Not the sort of "comfortable" that means I'm not ok with myself right now ... because as fat people go, I'm pretty awesome. Ha. But I mean actual "comfort" ... It feels so UNcomfortable to not "fit" properly into seats ... or to ache & be out of breath to climb a short flight of stairs ... or to feel your stomach roll over itself when you sit down ... or to wear a pair of great fitting jeans and feel them tighten and squeeze as the day progresses as you get tired ... to not be able to cross your legs in any sort of comfortable way.

All of these little things never really bothered me before. I mean, I've never liked them of course. But I notice they are actually making me tired now... I can physically feel and notice them more. To me, this means, change MUST occur. Soon. Now.

Ready. Set. Go. 2013!

Alright friends ... Here we go!

2012 was an amazing year. I can't complain in the least. I did, however, manage to pack on a few extra pounds.

I've been mentally ready-ing myself for the challenge for the last month ...

READY.

I am poised to take back control of my physical self by controlling & tracking food intake, and exercising.

SET.

Now, it's time to implement & execute! Daily. Hourly, if need be.

GO!

2013, I command you to be awesome!


My motivation:
1. Health -- taking the weight off my knees; lowering my blood pressure; rehabbing my knee; being strong.
2. Clothes -- work clothes; the quintessential "little black dress" desire; not having to obsess over it
3. Fitting better into the Coliseum seats (and any seats for that matter, airlines, movies, etc.)
4. Looking better in photos
5. Physically, feeling better. Period.

Ready to BRING IT in 2013 -- for the best year ever!!!

something new

There are times in your life that you can't wait to forget. And there are others, sweet others, that you wish you could re-live forever. And then, there are the times you wish you could re-live, if just to do it differently! And the times that you've forgotten, but others so graciously remind you, are usually hysterical. But, the singular moments, in which you know you wouldn't change a single thing, those moments make life worth living.

A life can be born, or taken, in just a moment. A life can change, for better, and for worse, in an instant. Everything seems ephemeral. Other times, it is a constant - irregular - series of these instances, that create the change. Sometimes known, sometimes chosen. More often hidden, and subconscious.

With the rain rattling down and a chill in the air I'm struck by how often I've found this cold moment. But the candles are glowing, and my pup is snuggled up, and there is calm. Peace.

I've been working on my business plan and goals for 2013 the last few days, weeks, months, my whole life.

Recurrent items I find are:
"exercise"
"avoid energy vampires"
"adhere to morning routine"
"follow-thru"
"consistency"

I've said it time and time again, and I've re-committed to the re-commitment repeatedly. But, it's time.

It's time again. To start again. To be committed to consistency, follow-thru & exercise.

I've felt disgust in the past - that's led to success. Disgust drove me to change. It's funny to me that I don't feel that now. I've always felt that. Maybe it's so ingrained in me that I can't feel it anymore. Or, maybe, just maybe, I've found something new to drive this mission.

Maybe it will work this time if, instead of fleeing from the disgust, I am moving toward love.

I was given a charm recently that says "Paige" ... someone gave it to me and I knew instinctively that it was from PAIGE jeans that I've always coveted and never been able to wear.  Then they said, "Not everyone has a Paige in their life."

I smiled.

how quickly we forget

How quickly we forget ...

I made a 30 day commitment and then thanksgiving hit and it all went to hell.

Well, not today. Today I am back on track and tracking my food -- and making good choices!

I still have 3 weeks until the 12/13 holiday party, and I have re-focused myself. I don't need to use the holiday season as an excuse. Nor do I need to deny myself some small indulgences of the season. But, they should be SMALL. And managed. And planned for. And accounted for. And again, SMALL.

I've had a very good day. It shall continue . . .

10 pounds. 30 days. Boom.

So, we have a new goal on the horizon: boyfriend's holiday party! Not just any holiday party, a Hollywood Holiday Party.  So, the online dress shopping has already commenced.  And thus, the hardcore diet is in full effect. I have exactly 30 days. The goal is 10 pounds, I'll settle for 8. Nothing less. I think short term goals are actually more beneficial to me. Long term goals are important but feel less tangible.  Wanting to look and feel my best at this party will keep me focused during a most critical weight-gain time of year.

I'm sort of excited ... I know I can do it. I have every confidence.

I thought about doing a cleanse -- and will probably do that after the start of the year with Dr. Weinzoff. It's just not realistic to do that over Thanksgiving & this whole season. But it's coming, soon enough!

I look forward to some creative cooking and homebody-ness to get this $h!t done -- 30 day countdown -- bring it on! 

November ...

There's something about November that makes me happy.

Maybe it's that it's finally "holiday season" without the stress that comes along with official busy-ness of Holiday Season.

Comfort foods abound. Homey scents are everywhere.




Peace & love & harmony seem to be the theme of the times. And the weather demands we stay home a little bit more (or we pretend that it demands.)

Football season is well underway and the fun times with friends are casual, often-themed, and always super-fun!

I really do love November & it always seems to go by so fast.

And somehow, this happy time translates into control over food simply by the sheer nature of feeling happy, and in control of the schedule!

Despite the abundance of yummy food around during this time... November I typically am able to take charge of!

... in check ...

-- MyFitnessPal
-- Working out with Jaime
-- Cooking & Making my own food
-- Cutting down on the eating out
-- Working Hard Daily to Make Allowances for "fun" / "derailment" once/week

I love fall & the holiday season!

#SuccessIsEminent!

I feel like the pieces of the puzzle are SLOWLY being put together and I really REALLY finally feel like I can truly accomplish my goals within a year! And that is a manageable time frame!

And, I'm happy!

Success has always followed when I get my mindset and attitude about my body in check...

Check.

my favorite time of year!

I did not have time to think about eating crap today.  And luckily, I am still stocked up enough, that I can mindlessly eat healthy.

I have also learned having a cliff bar in the middle of the day works wonders to keep me on track.

Using my fitbit, I realize that going on more walks with Teddy is not only good for him, but good for me to get my # of steps up...

And I also realize that using the fitbit, period, is critical, so I know, on a day where I have exerted more energy than normal, I have some space in there to eat a little bit more. And I know that if I did not have this information, trying to stick to 1500 calories, always, would be quite difficult.

It's almost my birthday - this is a time of taking control for me! It's my favorite time of the year! Except maybe January, I like January a lot too.

no day but today

Oh, so if I walk a little bit more, I can eat a little bit more and not deprive myself.  And if I pack a few healthy items in my purse (or in a cooler on a freakishly hot day like today) then I'm not caught starving and throwing away 500 calories on a latte and cinnamon swirl thang.  It's amazing what you can (re)learn in a day.

Truth be told, I did walk - a lot - today. I had to for work. And that was good for me, health-wise AND work-wise. So maybe I should keep doing THAT.

I still have about 400 calories left today - and while I may have one more mini ice cream bar or some fruit, I think I'm done for the day and that feels pretty good, I gotta say.

Baby steps...

No day but today ...

Keep Calm and Fight On

I've been writing - weekly or more - draft, after draft, re-writes galore. But I haven't been publishing... because I think it's just such bs. I needed to get it out - but it's all such bs. Whining. Excuses. Bitching. Blaming. Eff'd up backwards logic talking myself out of doing what I know needs to be done.

I hired a business coach - and it's already helped immensely. At the start of last year, when I hired a trainer at 24hrfitness, it was immensely helpful and I was successful. So, I think I'm pretty coachable... but now I need to work on finding the self-motivation, the self-discipline, the strength to stay the course and avoid my self-sabotaging inner critic.  

I'm watching Exteme Makeover Weightloss Edition right now.
Here's what their plan is:  2000 cal / day. Low Sugar. Low Sodium. Weight Training 3x / week. Cardio training 6x / week.  All for approx 10 lbs lost / week. (for a male, about 545lbs. [Btw, it's all football related - such great timing w/ pre-season, and somehow so motivating to me!]

MyFitnessPal wants me on 1520 calories/day to lose 2 lbs a week which I've been hitting pretty successfully the past few days. But I need to revise the contents of those 1500 calories.

I have high blood pressure. I had my gall bladder out around 25. I just had knee surgery a month ago.

The time is now.

My Goals:
-- 1520 calories per day via MyFitnessPal & FitBit tracking (& to track my food every day)
-- Cardio Training 5 days per week - 3 on the bike, and 2 doing something else - maybe swimming
-- Weight Training 2 days per week - possibly w/ a trainer (ahem, Jaime Nemirow, get ready girl)
-- I have no idea what #s that will equate to weekly but as long as it's a loss, and I'm not injuring myself, I think it'll be good.
-- Additionally, I'm eliminating fast food and slowly, slowly, I'm going to eliminate Starbucks. To start, I will need it, but eventually, it will have to go.  I am not going to say I won't eat out. But I'm going to aim for 1-2 times per week at a max.

So, the carrot in front of the Makeover show is 2 tix to the super bowl. I need a carrot. So - 20 weeks... 2 lbs / week = 40 lbs. So, I'm gonna make it a stretch goal of 50 lbs off by January 1st. And if I can do that, when I do that, I am going to reward myself with a Louis Vuitton purse. Which will also require some serious saving. But I think all the money I spend eating out, eating fast food, & being unhealthy in general will add up.  And then, when I can carry that purse around with me every day, it will be a reminder every day, that I can set up the next goal and achieve it. I think it seems like a shallow, superficial reward. Like, I should reward myself with a trip to a healthy spa or something instead. But I'm not even going to question it - it's the first thing that came to mind, so I'm rolling with it.

OMG - continuing watching "Extreme Makeover: Weightloss Edition" -- the NFL experience at the SuperBowl looks AWESOME. Do people know about this? Why have I never known about this? Training camp set up at the Super Bowl is SO cool! I want to try that one day. Chris Powell might be my newest favorite! HEART him! I swear he's just using his show to get "in" w/ the NFL but that's ok by me!

Yep - purses and football - welcome to how this girl thinks! Ha!

It seems to me that the most important thing here is to not let "set-backs" derail me. I've always been pretty successful at a start. I can go hard-- for awhile. But then, I let something turn me off-track and I am DETERMINED to not let that happen this time. I mean, I'm sure I'll FEEL like derailing. But I'm not going to let minor set-backs, become major problems.

I LOVE Fall. it is my favorite season of the year.  All things autumnal make me happy. I know I can be successful around this time of year -- at ANYthing I put my mind to. 

I'm using this theme for business, so I think I'm going to use it for this too:

Keep Calm & Fight On! 

#GettingReadyToCrushIt
#MoreToCome

My Heart Report From MyFitnessPal(.com)

Will beat 126,111 times, pump 1,850 gallons of blood, and push that blood nearly 19,556 miles throughout my body!

Created by MyFitnessPal.com

I want it back

I think I'm ready to try again. I want it back. I have this photo at a wedding on the beach last July 30th. And I was SO happy that day. So incredibly happy. And I had been for months. Because I'd been dedicated to losing the weight. I worked with my trainer 3 days a week and I thought about what I ate and when I was exercising, constantly. My life revolved around it. People got sick of my facebook check-in's at 24 hour fitness, but I was really happy.

Every time you start again after failing, or succeeding, but then ceding, to failure, it seems harder... less attainable somehow. Maybe that's why at 32, after having started dieting by the 5th grade, it seems almost impossible.

I'm really tired of whining about it and thinking about it and analyzing it and dreaming about how it could be. It's very Nike-ish now... time to Just Do It.

My current goal is to lose 10 lbs by June 18th. That's it. I've made enough excel spreadsheets to last a lifetime. I don't need to do that anymore. I need to just look at one small, manageable goal at a time, hit it, and keep going.

I want to turn this blog around too. I want it to be less oriented on the "bitch" and more about new, fun, healthy things I'm trying or have found or discovered. It's my goal to report back on 2-4 "healthy" things I've tried or incorporated each week.

I'm up about 20 lbs since last September ... it's time to take it off ... and keep going.

Wanna know what inspired this post? Read about the 9 things no one wants to regret when they're older ...

still haven't found what i'm looking for

Narrowed down to fast food eating/stuffing in moments of pain and/or stress. <<<--- The major problem. 

Also, feeling success approaching. In moments of anticipation of actual success, I do a 180-turnaround. <<<---The 2nd most common problem.

And while I've improved at saying no to bad influences and overcommitments, I am not stellar at it, yet.

#whining
#overit
#1stworldproblems

I said, out loud, tonight, I'd have gastric bypass surgery before I'd ever have lasik because I'd rather be thin than be able to see clearly. Out LOUD, I said that. Paused. Thought about it. And then stood by it. Not to mention, I find lasik slightly creepy...

I wonder what it will ultimately take... because I certainly haven't found whatever it is, yet...

maybe it's time

Man, I'm so over this blog. Consume less than you burn, it's so simple.

I read and re-read these posts to figure out exactly where it is that I've been. I think, if I can figure out what I was doing yesterday, or last week, or last month, or the last five years, that then I can figure out how to change it. But that's not really right. Looking back isn't going to change today, this moment, right now.

The trick is to stay mentally in it, right now, right this minute. And to make good choices inside of the "now" moments. 

I am not sure I am even talking about food or exercise right now. My control over food & exercise has always been a reflection or manifestation of how I feel about my life in general at the moment. Since I'm about 100 pounds overweight, you can guess, that's not so great, most of the time.

But I've noticed, I have a lot of friends who are waiting to do things. I've noticed I give out reasonably good advice to my friends, and I think I have a hard time taking it myself. And yet, I think I have actually stopped letting the weight stop me from doing things I want to do.  I mean, I still can't jump out of an airplane, or even sit super comfortably on an airplane for that matter. But I still engage in things I want to do. I don't really let it stop me.  So maybe, just maybe, I do actually have more strength than I think.

Maybe it's time to find out exactly how much strength I have.

Done.

I've written many drafts lately. But I'm tired of sounding like / being a pity party.

Tonight, I went to el pollo loco, trader joes, and then in n out. Comfort.

You know what every SINGLE post on this blog has in common (besides the fact that I wrote it of coure) ... I lived in Long Beach writing it.

About a year ago, I'd been working out w my trainer for about 2 months. I'm about to head to Vegas on the same trip... I found the gym on that trip. I swore by this time, this year, I'd have lost ALL the weight. You know... "never again" blah blah...

Big changes are coming.

silently speaking volumes

2.5.12: Sunday night...
So the half marathon is complete. I start this post from my iPad, in bed, hurting. My body hates me right now. But it's ok- it will forgive in a few days.

I thought I would feel more, different. More, changed.
I don't FEEL it, but I KNOW I am, regardless.

I forgot how much it actually hurts ( must be similar to childbirth in some way) if you don't train fully.

I am freaking in love with my medal.

There are so many lessons but I think what I didn't expect, what stands out the most to me, is that it was easier doing it with a friend. The pain was less. The miles went by faster. It is easier to dance, sing out loud, and be silly on the course, with a friend by your side. I mean let's face it, the girl hula hooping her hips thru 13 miles wasn't making any friends doing so. Literally, she never stopped hula hooping as she walked (we got video). But I digress. The point is that the work, the pain, is lessened with friends along for the ride. And life is like that too. And I know it's simplistic, but it bears repeating.

2.6.12: Monday...
I think I love the running, and tolerate the pain, because in the end I did this on my own. No one can take it away from me. If I cross that finish line, I own it -- alone. No matter who did, or did not, help me across that finish line, it is mine. And no one can take that away. I had to go back through this paragraph, and change the subject to "I." And, that speaks volumes. I don't even think in terms of myself. I think in terms of "you," or "he" or "she." This is inherently the problem.

I want a big change. I need a big change. I am not in love with my life, and want to be, desperately. I hope I can figure it out through the miles; I don't know how to do this.

2.6.12: Monday night ...
I went back to Weight Watchers tonight, and I'm definitely "up," but I know that is fleeting and that I'll get it back together.  I honestly hated everyone in that meeting. I hated the leader who is exceptionally perky & annoying and talks to us as if we're 8 years old. I hated the couple doing it together. I hated the woman who lost 30lbs. And I especially hated the very calm woman who lost her 10% and got her 10% keychain. That damn keychain has always eluded me. I have always gotten to within 5lbs of my celebrated "10%" weightloss, and then turned around and started packing the lbs. back on. This is continually a problem where I get to the brink of success, and then turn around. It is continually a problem that I have started to despise happy couples because I want so much to be a part of one. It is continually a problem that I see someone doing what I want to do, and it stagnates me. I don't know how to fix this.

I am drowning in jealousy.

What has ultimately come from this most recent 13.1, is a feeling of isolation. I don't want to be a part of the kickball party. I don't feel accomplished enough to hang out with my college friends. And I don't even want to be around my best friends who accept me no matter what, because I am tired of fronting. I am tired of pretending everything is ok. It is not ok. I am not happy. And I don't know how to fix this.

"Your body will forgive you, but your mind never will" ... got me through 26.2 once upon a time. Now I'm trying to figure out how to forgive the past, so that I can create a better future. I don't know how to do this.

2.15.12: Wednesday morning ...
A week and a day. I waited to publish the above rant because I knew it needed to wait, to stew.  And I let my friends in. That helped, mostly. But only a little bit.

I keep thinking about how this was supposed to be a weightloss blog, and has turned into an emotional free-fall.   But at it's core, people who have real weight to lose, have to emotionally free-fall at some point.  You see it happen weekly on the Biggest Loser. That's one of the reasons Jillian was such a huge loss to that show-- not (just) because she's an amazing trainer - but because she can innately tap into that one conversation that forces someone OUT of the emotional free-fall into the dedicated hardwork.  The hard work will not last if that connection hasn't been ironed into someone's deepest core.

I keep thinking about how in 2011, from January to July, I made all those small changes people talk about to add up to a "lifestyle change." I did it right. I really did. I was reaching full success. I had 6 months of SOLID - rock, solid - changes - that led to a happier & healthier me.  But I didn't believe I really deserved it. And in a matter of weeks from July 6th to August 12th, it died. It was gone. And I tried to pretend, for a few months, that I hadn't lost everything. I tried to pretend I hadn't lost my way. I tried to pretend I hadn't made mistakes. I tried to pretend I didn't care about some things. I tried to pretend I did care about others. I tried to pretend I wasn't hurting. I dived into other people hurting. I let people hurt me and didn't even feel it. I didn't feel it then because I was so engrossed in my own internal pain that I couldn't even feel when other people were treating me poorly.  And now it's catching up to me.  The walls are coming down, I'm free falling. It's scary and vulnerable and awful. But it's so good. It's so good.

2.15.12: Wednesday ...
I'm working on my freedom.
Sometimes I hear my voice...
Years go by will I still be waiting to understand

maybe I needed to find the anger

So... we're 2-3 days out from the Surf City Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained enough. Let's be honest, I haven't trained ... nearly ... enough. I don't care. I know, in my gut, that I can and will finish the miles. I also know that I desperately need to do this. I can't wait. I mean, I'm scared. I know it will take a long long time and I know I will hurt. But, I know I need to do this.

My life was affected deeply by some events in early August, and I just haven't been the same since. I have a photo at a friend's wedding, on July 30th, and I know I was crazy happy then. I know that from January to July of last year, I made incredible strides in my journey, and that it all came to a crashing halt in August. Last January, I got Teddy. Last February, I started with my trainer. Last March, I went to Vegas and actually found the gym inside my hotel there. Last April, I went to Stagecoach and had energy to survive a crazy festival & got to wear clothes I liked and met hot guys & had raging self-confidence.  Last May & June I dated, a lot, and had so much fun doing so.  And I closed a bunch of deals and was on my way to really being happy.

I remember one afternoon walking out of my house in sporty shorts & a tank top to walk Teddy, with my hair piled on top of my head, and shades, of course, and I remember looking up at the sunshine and feeling like "Ahhh, so this is what it feels like."

And then I let it all fall apart. And THAT - is over. I know that having that medal hang around my neck is what I need to propel me into the goodness again.  I often think about this concept:

"Forgiveness is accepting the fact that the past could have been any different."

I struggle with this - every single day.

And it shows in my weight. It manifests there. But I am actively working on it.  I am angry.

They say there are 5 stages of grief:
1) Denial & Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I'm hanging out in anger right now. Sometimes I find myself bargaining, and sometimes it's just simple depression. But mostly, I'm angry. It sounds so simple, but I have so much rage I don't know what to do with it and so I eat it away. Sometimes I scream. The other day I screamed so much I was actually, visibly shaking when I hung up the phone. It didn't subside for a few minutes. I almost threw my phone across the room recently. Almost. I want to punch someone. No, I think I really could. I can't really picture it either but it could probably happen.  I am ANGRY. At everyone & no one. At things I've allowed to happen. At actions I've taken, and not taken. I am angry at everyone who seems to want a piece of me. No, I cannot spend every single evening at dinners and drinks and coffees listening to everyone else's problems. And I am angry at everyone who calls me when they are single. Fuck you. Yep, I said it. If you can't find the time to be my friend when you are in a relationship, you don't fucking deserve me as a friend to pick up the pieces for you when you find yourself single. And yes, I am an awesome friend, and no, that does not mean you can take my friendship for granted. Because, soon, very very soon, it will be gone. Because I am finally learning how to let people go - for good.  And I don't need to keep you around. You can totally dislike me for whatever reason ya got - I'm cool with that now.  Like I said, I'm angry. And I pretty much don't care about your problems anymore.  Miranda sums it up pretty well: "I can't carry it all, I gotta lotta troubles of my own"

But despite the rage that overwhelms me at times, I am learning to channel it to good. I am using it more in workouts. And every time I want to let it take me over, Teddy keeps me sane. I love him so much. I got him at just the perfect time in my life. He forces me to go on walks and be a normal person. He forces me to make better choices with where to spend my time, and who to share it with. And even though he's a crazy energy high jumper pup, he's so simple & good. He just wants to play! 


And I am finding a way to believe in myself again. Because honestly, when I'm "in it" - I'm unstoppable.  When I can actually channel my true self, and hold onto her, everything goes right, and I start losing weight. But I also start losing friends. It's very strange. I don't really know why this happens. But when I put myself first, and start getting happy, things change. And I've never dealt with that well, and so I've let my fear of change, fear of success?, hold me back.

But I am so tired of letting it win. I'm ready to fight back. Maybe I needed to find the anger. Maybe it is the fuel I need, more than anything else, to win this battle towards my ultimate happiness.