Alright people. I'm back in the swing of things here. I lost 2 lbs. this week! I have lost, at this moment, exactly 25 lbs since I started this crazy business. I am still a few pounds short of my 10% goal... but I'm going to have my reward cooking class on Tuesday anyway. I am going to celebrate 25lbs GONE. It's still a big milestone, even if its not my 10% goal. I think with exercise (which I've been slacking on lately) ... and some added vigilance with keeping track of the points, I can *possibly* hit that 10% next week... and I will most definitely hit it by the following week.
So- my commitment level has spiked again. The meeting today was all about roadblocks and how to maneuver through them instead of derailing. It was a good topic- although sort of corny.
The main thing is that they talked about life changing. Many of you know how I hate change. But I realize now that I was struggling because my schedule started to change. I have gotten really busy with real estate, and I added my pt job working for WAKA Kickball. I'm freakin busy. And I realize now that this requires a little more planning at the start of the week. It requires a little more strength and power over when, where & how I am eating. And where I can fit exercise in. I've got to do it in the morning now. I just flat out don't have the time in the evenings. I'm either kickballing, meeting with clients, or preparing for the following day. I get up and exercise- and that means I need to like sleep in my work out clothes or something. And it means, I can't fall behind in my laundry. And its all these little things I didn't have to worry about as much when I was less busy and able to work from home more- but not I'm out. I'm at the office or "out in the field" and I just don't always have access to my food so I need to get better at making those "on-the-fly" decisions.
Even writing this I've been interrupted at least 5x by different phone calls. My multi tasking levels are increasing and I need to keep this as a top priority instead of letting it slip first as usual.
I just need to keep the faith :)
3.15.2008
3.14.2008
more to come...
Well, did I mention I lost a pound last week? I'm doing ok on my home scale. I think I'm doing ok this week in general. I've had a lot of subway, and not so many croissants at Starbucks. Monday and Tuesday I had kickball games, and flipcup games, and bud light. But I've been counterbalancing that with water & I'm back to my raspberry green tea crystal light.
I've been super busy @ work but I don't think I'm stress eating.
I will have more to report after tomorrow's weigh in.
But I've been staying on track this week... it's just slow going for me right now. No exercise... though I do hope to get a long run/walk in tonight. I've been doing a lot of work in the neighborhood I grew up in... and even though I ate shit on a run in there on New Year's Eve, it might be time to go back and do a little recon work :D
More to come...
I've been super busy @ work but I don't think I'm stress eating.
I will have more to report after tomorrow's weigh in.
But I've been staying on track this week... it's just slow going for me right now. No exercise... though I do hope to get a long run/walk in tonight. I've been doing a lot of work in the neighborhood I grew up in... and even though I ate shit on a run in there on New Year's Eve, it might be time to go back and do a little recon work :D
More to come...
3.05.2008
today will be better
Alright- so the derail of the last couple weeks is not the end of the world. EVEN if I gain this week, I'll be about where I was before I had that crazy 7lb loss. So I'm ok with that- I just hate wasted time.
I did not get back to the healthy eating. In fact, Monday was amazingly terrible. Taco Bell = death. However, b/c I ate taco bell so late on monday- i was not hungry almost the entire day on tuesday... so at least my body has adjusted to this new life. and it was not happy with me on tuesday. and i did not eat just b/c i was supposed to be having food at a certain hour.
i had a starbucks yogurt, and a cpk salad. pretty much for the whole day. so my metabolism is screwed, but at least the over-eating was curtailed.
this morning- i woke up - after having watched the biggest loser- and i got back to tracking my points. even for the last 2 days.
THIS is where the trouble has been. i haven't been writing it down. honestly i can trace most of the problems back to when i lost my bank card, changed the acct #s and subsequently lost my WW internet access for about 5 days. this is when it started. apparently i need the access to their system. without it, i fail.
but even when i got it back, it was already too late... i was already on a path of destruction.
additionally- i got busy with life. work picked up. i started my new kickball job. (yes, that's right, i work for waka now). i travelled. and i know that when i get busy w/ the rest of my life, my personal well-being is the first thing to go out the window.
THAT MUST STOP.
i hate to mention it- but it really ties into maslow's hierarchy of needs. i am sorry to pull some of you back to intro psych... but well, here it is. i can't reach my full potential until i put the foundation under me to support success.
i have been building it- but as soon as i stop for just a second- it all goes to hell.
so today will be better. and i will exercise- even if i just go for a walk. i want a dog!
I did not get back to the healthy eating. In fact, Monday was amazingly terrible. Taco Bell = death. However, b/c I ate taco bell so late on monday- i was not hungry almost the entire day on tuesday... so at least my body has adjusted to this new life. and it was not happy with me on tuesday. and i did not eat just b/c i was supposed to be having food at a certain hour.
i had a starbucks yogurt, and a cpk salad. pretty much for the whole day. so my metabolism is screwed, but at least the over-eating was curtailed.
this morning- i woke up - after having watched the biggest loser- and i got back to tracking my points. even for the last 2 days.
THIS is where the trouble has been. i haven't been writing it down. honestly i can trace most of the problems back to when i lost my bank card, changed the acct #s and subsequently lost my WW internet access for about 5 days. this is when it started. apparently i need the access to their system. without it, i fail.
but even when i got it back, it was already too late... i was already on a path of destruction.
additionally- i got busy with life. work picked up. i started my new kickball job. (yes, that's right, i work for waka now). i travelled. and i know that when i get busy w/ the rest of my life, my personal well-being is the first thing to go out the window.
THAT MUST STOP.
i hate to mention it- but it really ties into maslow's hierarchy of needs. i am sorry to pull some of you back to intro psych... but well, here it is. i can't reach my full potential until i put the foundation under me to support success.
i have been building it- but as soon as i stop for just a second- it all goes to hell.
so today will be better. and i will exercise- even if i just go for a walk. i want a dog!
3.03.2008
"long day"
So- I have been somewhat derailing.
I am here to report only this.
There are many factors and I will detail them, probably, not now.
But for now, all I can say is that I am getting back on track.
I'm still not confident I can hit that 10% mark before my scheduled reward of a hipcooks class on 3/18... I'm not really sure it's possible at this point... but I'm not going to give up trying.
I am back to the hard work. I derailed for about 2 weeks- more on that later.
You need not comment with your "you can do it"s and good cheer. Not that I don't appreciate that normally... but right now, I just am not cheery about it.
I am just settling down to get back to work at it. Maybe I'll be a little more excited after I get one day of healthy eating back in me... with some real fat-burning exercise to boot.
I am just sort of resigned at the moment. No longer resigned and falling off track- just resigned to the notion that I am not allowed to stop thinking about this for even a day, without losing serious ground.
And it's ok- I mean- I want it badly enough so I'm going to do it. But the more I learn about how I got here, and the more I realize how hard it's going to be to keep going, the more I resent the fact that I am seriously going to have to put way more work into this than I have even been doing thus far.
***
"...I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh god I shouldn't feel this way
(Chorus)
Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right..."
~MB20
I am here to report only this.
There are many factors and I will detail them, probably, not now.
But for now, all I can say is that I am getting back on track.
I'm still not confident I can hit that 10% mark before my scheduled reward of a hipcooks class on 3/18... I'm not really sure it's possible at this point... but I'm not going to give up trying.
I am back to the hard work. I derailed for about 2 weeks- more on that later.
You need not comment with your "you can do it"s and good cheer. Not that I don't appreciate that normally... but right now, I just am not cheery about it.
I am just settling down to get back to work at it. Maybe I'll be a little more excited after I get one day of healthy eating back in me... with some real fat-burning exercise to boot.
I am just sort of resigned at the moment. No longer resigned and falling off track- just resigned to the notion that I am not allowed to stop thinking about this for even a day, without losing serious ground.
And it's ok- I mean- I want it badly enough so I'm going to do it. But the more I learn about how I got here, and the more I realize how hard it's going to be to keep going, the more I resent the fact that I am seriously going to have to put way more work into this than I have even been doing thus far.
***
"...I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh god I shouldn't feel this way
(Chorus)
Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right..."
~MB20
2.19.2008
it's all relative
so... i've had some great success- so what do i do? oh i go and fuck it all up again.
i went to taco bell. a mexican pizza, 2 soft tacos & an apple empanada later- i feel full, and much less stressed about a variety of issues in my personal and professional life.
but then i felt sick.
i've had a raging headache all day that neither caffeine, nor food, nor nicotine, nor sugar, nor water, nor rest could cure.
i feel like crap and i did not exercise today as planned b/c i was in my office instead of the gym- and that's good- but bad.
i used to be an EXPERT multi-tasker. somewhere along the way... my divvied up focus has departed from my world and left me unable to cope.
food solves everything in my world- and man is it tough to resist that comfort.
i went to taco bell. a mexican pizza, 2 soft tacos & an apple empanada later- i feel full, and much less stressed about a variety of issues in my personal and professional life.
but then i felt sick.
i've had a raging headache all day that neither caffeine, nor food, nor nicotine, nor sugar, nor water, nor rest could cure.
i feel like crap and i did not exercise today as planned b/c i was in my office instead of the gym- and that's good- but bad.
i used to be an EXPERT multi-tasker. somewhere along the way... my divvied up focus has departed from my world and left me unable to cope.
food solves everything in my world- and man is it tough to resist that comfort.
2.18.2008
in the downward direction
so i'm up on my home scale again. i sort of knew that would happen. i think part of my big loss this past week was water weight. so, my goal this week is to maintain my huge loss of last week.
i think i am going to do the los al race on the base 5k this saturday. i did it 2 yrs ago right after my marathon. i'm gonna do my own pace- but i'm definitely going to beat my time from the santa monica/venice xmas fun run back in december.
i haven't been running the past few weeks- so i'm going to have to work that back in to my workouts this week. and it means i'll probably weigh-in for weight watchers on fri. or sun. next week... it'll be interesting- that's for sure.
also- b/c i lost so much last week- i lost a daily point i get to eat. which is good- it means i'm slowly phasing in the downward direction. but it really is an adjustment when it happens. and i'm trying to keep in mind what it's going to feel like when i am a normal size and have like 10 or more, less points every day than i have now.
those 10 extra points are my room for error right now. they're my room for junk food to stay in my life. room for bud light. room for bar food. and i see that eventually i am really going to have to reform my life even more. it's too much to contemplate right now- that's why weight watchers is going to work for me- b/c i can do it SLOWly. but every now 'n then, i get a glimpse, and it freaks me out.
right now, i'm just glad that i am continuing in the right direction. despite variances in success levels- i'm keeping it going. i have never been this close to my 10% goal. so i'm already immensely proud of myself.
also- my hipcooks class is coming up as reward. and i am super excited for that! i discovered a new "series" they offer that is all about healthy eating. some of it is a little too 'out there' for me, and its more expensive than their normal classes- but it looks like it could be a good influence on me.
we shall see. there is much more work to be done.
i think i am going to do the los al race on the base 5k this saturday. i did it 2 yrs ago right after my marathon. i'm gonna do my own pace- but i'm definitely going to beat my time from the santa monica/venice xmas fun run back in december.
i haven't been running the past few weeks- so i'm going to have to work that back in to my workouts this week. and it means i'll probably weigh-in for weight watchers on fri. or sun. next week... it'll be interesting- that's for sure.
also- b/c i lost so much last week- i lost a daily point i get to eat. which is good- it means i'm slowly phasing in the downward direction. but it really is an adjustment when it happens. and i'm trying to keep in mind what it's going to feel like when i am a normal size and have like 10 or more, less points every day than i have now.
those 10 extra points are my room for error right now. they're my room for junk food to stay in my life. room for bud light. room for bar food. and i see that eventually i am really going to have to reform my life even more. it's too much to contemplate right now- that's why weight watchers is going to work for me- b/c i can do it SLOWly. but every now 'n then, i get a glimpse, and it freaks me out.
right now, i'm just glad that i am continuing in the right direction. despite variances in success levels- i'm keeping it going. i have never been this close to my 10% goal. so i'm already immensely proud of myself.
also- my hipcooks class is coming up as reward. and i am super excited for that! i discovered a new "series" they offer that is all about healthy eating. some of it is a little too 'out there' for me, and its more expensive than their normal classes- but it looks like it could be a good influence on me.
we shall see. there is much more work to be done.
2.16.2008
drumroll please
So I'm not really sure how I pulled this off... but... I lost... drumroll please....
7.4 lbs this week, alone!
It's crazy. I am thrilled. I received some silly 25lb magnet and charm from the folks at weight watchers b/c I surpassed that mark. And I am only 1.4lbs away from my HUGE HUGE 10% goal.
I basically think it was the process of hanging on to some water weight last week... so the loss for 2 weeks finally showed up. That's my working theory anyway.
However, the gain of a pound last week did really propel me into action. I worked out HARD early in the week and I really did watch my point intake closely.
My main goal this week is to keep the exercise up. Do 24set instead of 24lift-- even though I hate it a little bit more. Do a walk every morning- something easy so I will actually do it. I need to sweat this week. I need to make my healthy food and stick to my routine and keep working hard and it will all come.
I need to keep doing it exactly how I want to do it. I am repelling external forces these days. Unless you are my client, I don't care what you want, what time you prefer, where you want to go or what you want to do. I am only doing things that I want to do. And it is making all the difference!
I really want this 1.4 gone by next week b/c the following week I will be in Texas, and I want to celebrate my 10 % at my regular meeting, not the Friday meeting I will need to go to that week before I get on a plane. But it doesn't matter- my first big goal is finally within my reach and I am so excited!
7.4 lbs this week, alone!
It's crazy. I am thrilled. I received some silly 25lb magnet and charm from the folks at weight watchers b/c I surpassed that mark. And I am only 1.4lbs away from my HUGE HUGE 10% goal.
I basically think it was the process of hanging on to some water weight last week... so the loss for 2 weeks finally showed up. That's my working theory anyway.
However, the gain of a pound last week did really propel me into action. I worked out HARD early in the week and I really did watch my point intake closely.
My main goal this week is to keep the exercise up. Do 24set instead of 24lift-- even though I hate it a little bit more. Do a walk every morning- something easy so I will actually do it. I need to sweat this week. I need to make my healthy food and stick to my routine and keep working hard and it will all come.
I need to keep doing it exactly how I want to do it. I am repelling external forces these days. Unless you are my client, I don't care what you want, what time you prefer, where you want to go or what you want to do. I am only doing things that I want to do. And it is making all the difference!
I really want this 1.4 gone by next week b/c the following week I will be in Texas, and I want to celebrate my 10 % at my regular meeting, not the Friday meeting I will need to go to that week before I get on a plane. But it doesn't matter- my first big goal is finally within my reach and I am so excited!
2.11.2008
just do it
I went to the gym this a.m.
I am tracking all my food.
I am committed to a serious loss on the scale this week.
I'm workin it out ...
;)
I am tracking all my food.
I am committed to a serious loss on the scale this week.
I'm workin it out ...
;)
2.10.2008
"And I don't know how, to get it back to good"
I gained exactly 1lb. this week. I know why. Some of it's my fault- and some of it is out of my control. Life goes on. I'm back on track. I WILL hit my 10% mark. I will I will I will.
I'm tired of this crap already. Not giving up- but irritated.
Right about now I am so glad I started this blog b/c I am more interested in not letting everyone ELSE down who have been my super cheerleaders, than I am concerned about letting myself down. Wrong, but true.
I'll get it all back together soon.
I'm tired of this crap already. Not giving up- but irritated.
Right about now I am so glad I started this blog b/c I am more interested in not letting everyone ELSE down who have been my super cheerleaders, than I am concerned about letting myself down. Wrong, but true.
I'll get it all back together soon.
2.05.2008
I
I did 24Dance last night which was super fun.
I did 24Lift tonight and was in a weird zone. I added extra weight and I feel zapped of strength and energy now after a super hot shower.
I was down 2lbs on my home scale this morning!
I did some not so great eating today- but at very regular intervals- and reasonably "healthy" options.
I am so grateful there is finally some justice for Team Jillian on Biggest Loser.
I am seriously considering sending in an application. I could've been Brittany this season! But I was moving when that app was due :( OH that's right, I know the dates. I had the paperwork.
I am tired. Not tired of the process- just tired from a long day.
I still wish it could go faster. But I'm getting better at accepting the daily challenge.
Bootcamp is not part of my financial plan right now- so that will have to wait.
But more future goals include personal training. I'm going to need it. I will need more personalized targeting.
I really wish I could treat this as my only fully time job. I already give it more mental energy these days than I ever have, and more than I think most do (which may or may not be a good thing) :) But if I could spend 6 hours a day in the gym like the Biggest Loser hopefuls, and learn how to eat properly- or just be magically wealthy enough to hire a personal healthy chef, I would be so happy. Happy doesn't even really cover it.
I'm willing to do the work- but it's easier with external motivation pushing you. Finding the internal motivation is the hardest part. Clinging to the goal of that little black dress before eating another brownie- or before another chip scoop of guacamole- is where success is made or delayed.
I did 24Lift tonight and was in a weird zone. I added extra weight and I feel zapped of strength and energy now after a super hot shower.
I was down 2lbs on my home scale this morning!
I did some not so great eating today- but at very regular intervals- and reasonably "healthy" options.
I am so grateful there is finally some justice for Team Jillian on Biggest Loser.
I am seriously considering sending in an application. I could've been Brittany this season! But I was moving when that app was due :( OH that's right, I know the dates. I had the paperwork.
I am tired. Not tired of the process- just tired from a long day.
I still wish it could go faster. But I'm getting better at accepting the daily challenge.
Bootcamp is not part of my financial plan right now- so that will have to wait.
But more future goals include personal training. I'm going to need it. I will need more personalized targeting.
I really wish I could treat this as my only fully time job. I already give it more mental energy these days than I ever have, and more than I think most do (which may or may not be a good thing) :) But if I could spend 6 hours a day in the gym like the Biggest Loser hopefuls, and learn how to eat properly- or just be magically wealthy enough to hire a personal healthy chef, I would be so happy. Happy doesn't even really cover it.
I'm willing to do the work- but it's easier with external motivation pushing you. Finding the internal motivation is the hardest part. Clinging to the goal of that little black dress before eating another brownie- or before another chip scoop of guacamole- is where success is made or delayed.
2.04.2008
eating
I have a stomach-ache. :-( I am seriously considering sending the brownies to my mother.
But, mainly I'm back b/c I realized I forgot to comment on something.... The Biggest Loser (somewhat spoiler)...
So- my Black Team led by Jillian failed miserably at the weigh-in last week. Even Jillian's analysis was that it wasn't the work-outs- everyone was working their asses off. It was the food. And she knew it. And they all knew it. And it showed on the scale w/ some people losing nothing and others gaining. It was a sad sad day for Jillian and the NOT Biggest Loser's.
Which is something I have been thinking almost from the beginning of this...
Yes, I need to work out like crazy BUT it is worthless if I don't have the food under control first.
Even WeightWatchers doesn't tell you about how you can add Activity Points back into your day until like the 3rd or 4th week of the program. Food first, then workouts.
So I recommit to the basics. I have a solid work-out plan in place this week. It should be good- but I will not beat myself up if I miss some of it.
MAINLY- I need to focus on healthy eating- especially at night.
Also- on a sidenote- I also realized that normal sized people just don't get it. This comes from watching the last episode w/ 'em. They just don't relate to Biggest Loser in the same way- or have the right kind of sympathy or empathy w/ these people. The contestants don't have all this extra weight b/c they're lazy (well, maybe some of it). But mostly it's a sympton of a problem. It's a coping mechanism for something they've had to deal with. And it pisses me off that people don't get it. But that's ok. To each their own. I don't get how anyone likes Hollywood- it's beyond me. I don't care to get it nor can I really sympathize w/ any of the woes that come w/ a Hollywood lifestyle- so- to each their own.
I am kind of excited to see what I can do this week. Despite my morning brownie downfall, I'm in a good place about the eating this week-- hopefully it'll show up on the scale next Saturday!
But, mainly I'm back b/c I realized I forgot to comment on something.... The Biggest Loser (somewhat spoiler)...
So- my Black Team led by Jillian failed miserably at the weigh-in last week. Even Jillian's analysis was that it wasn't the work-outs- everyone was working their asses off. It was the food. And she knew it. And they all knew it. And it showed on the scale w/ some people losing nothing and others gaining. It was a sad sad day for Jillian and the NOT Biggest Loser's.
Which is something I have been thinking almost from the beginning of this...
Yes, I need to work out like crazy BUT it is worthless if I don't have the food under control first.
Even WeightWatchers doesn't tell you about how you can add Activity Points back into your day until like the 3rd or 4th week of the program. Food first, then workouts.
So I recommit to the basics. I have a solid work-out plan in place this week. It should be good- but I will not beat myself up if I miss some of it.
MAINLY- I need to focus on healthy eating- especially at night.
Also- on a sidenote- I also realized that normal sized people just don't get it. This comes from watching the last episode w/ 'em. They just don't relate to Biggest Loser in the same way- or have the right kind of sympathy or empathy w/ these people. The contestants don't have all this extra weight b/c they're lazy (well, maybe some of it). But mostly it's a sympton of a problem. It's a coping mechanism for something they've had to deal with. And it pisses me off that people don't get it. But that's ok. To each their own. I don't get how anyone likes Hollywood- it's beyond me. I don't care to get it nor can I really sympathize w/ any of the woes that come w/ a Hollywood lifestyle- so- to each their own.
I am kind of excited to see what I can do this week. Despite my morning brownie downfall, I'm in a good place about the eating this week-- hopefully it'll show up on the scale next Saturday!
eat, drink, and be merry
I just ate a brownie.
And so the battle with my weekend begins. How do people ever lose weight? They must become hermits. And never see their friends to eat, drink, and be merry.
This wknd was better than last- and I have a whole workout plan laid.
AND- the best news is that I cleaned my kitchen. No dirty dishes- everything in its place. That is what will REALLY help this week!
Now, if I could just throw all the brownies away....
And so the battle with my weekend begins. How do people ever lose weight? They must become hermits. And never see their friends to eat, drink, and be merry.
This wknd was better than last- and I have a whole workout plan laid.
AND- the best news is that I cleaned my kitchen. No dirty dishes- everything in its place. That is what will REALLY help this week!
Now, if I could just throw all the brownies away....
2.02.2008
on my way
I lost 0.8 lbs. today! WooHoo! That is almost a full pound!
I am now only 7.8lbs away from my 10% goal!
I am so happy. Right after I accepted the fact that I might gain this week, the 3 extra pounds that had accumulated on my home scale started dropping. And I was down 0.2 on my home scale this morning.
I still maintained the fear as I stepped on the scale at WW this a.m. - I was hoping to just stay the same, and not gain. It couldn't have been better!
This is *almost* a happier time than hitting that 20lb mark. Almost.
I'm on my way to my first HUGE goal that I've never been able to hit. I will hit it within the next month and there will be rejoicing all across the land that is the LBC. ;)
I am now only 7.8lbs away from my 10% goal!
I am so happy. Right after I accepted the fact that I might gain this week, the 3 extra pounds that had accumulated on my home scale started dropping. And I was down 0.2 on my home scale this morning.
I still maintained the fear as I stepped on the scale at WW this a.m. - I was hoping to just stay the same, and not gain. It couldn't have been better!
This is *almost* a happier time than hitting that 20lb mark. Almost.
I'm on my way to my first HUGE goal that I've never been able to hit. I will hit it within the next month and there will be rejoicing all across the land that is the LBC. ;)
1.31.2008
it will get easier.
I'm going to gain this week. I have accepted it. I am up on my home scale. And I'm eating within my points but I'm not really exercising. I'm not derailing and eating anything and everything as I would have in the past; I'm just dealing with it and basically can't wait for the week to start anew on Saturday morning.
Usually if I have a bad week, it follows with a pretty good week- so I am looking forward to NEXT week. I still plan to hit my first 10% loss before the end of February.
I've made some serious progress this week despite the numbers on the scale. I've figured a lot out about myself and how I function and why- more than I can even chronicle here. So if the price is a gain this week so that I can keep moving forward in the future- I think it will be worth it.
This is where I've stopped in the past because there is work to be done here that I didn't want to touch... but I am now...
I think I'm only going to start sounding more mental here as this goes on.
I like to say about that marathon- anyone can run a marathon, but you have to really want to do it. And that took more mental strength than it did physical strength, in the end.
The first 20 lbs has been like a warm-up run. You think it's hard at the time, but you have no idea what lies ahead of you. It's like the "easy breezy" 8miler runs that gets to be cake in the end, but at the beginning, you can't believe you've covered 8 miles. And you hurt. Or- you think you do. You don't really know what pain is yet, but it's good you don't know- or you wouldn't keep showing up to do the work.
It's going to be like that with the weight-loss. Each new level is going to seem hard, until I hit the next one.
I think another comparison can be made... when I started marathon training, I'd have a few drinks early in the week before my run. But as the runs got longer, and longer, and still longer, I cut that out entirely- even if it was one beer on a Monday - because it just wasn't worth the pain when I was gonna feel it on that long run on Saturday. These setbacks are kind of like that. Eventually, I'll remember the "pain" of going thru this week and I'll stop slipping up on crappy food and it will get easier.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself today: it will get easier.
Usually if I have a bad week, it follows with a pretty good week- so I am looking forward to NEXT week. I still plan to hit my first 10% loss before the end of February.
I've made some serious progress this week despite the numbers on the scale. I've figured a lot out about myself and how I function and why- more than I can even chronicle here. So if the price is a gain this week so that I can keep moving forward in the future- I think it will be worth it.
This is where I've stopped in the past because there is work to be done here that I didn't want to touch... but I am now...
I think I'm only going to start sounding more mental here as this goes on.
I like to say about that marathon- anyone can run a marathon, but you have to really want to do it. And that took more mental strength than it did physical strength, in the end.
The first 20 lbs has been like a warm-up run. You think it's hard at the time, but you have no idea what lies ahead of you. It's like the "easy breezy" 8miler runs that gets to be cake in the end, but at the beginning, you can't believe you've covered 8 miles. And you hurt. Or- you think you do. You don't really know what pain is yet, but it's good you don't know- or you wouldn't keep showing up to do the work.
It's going to be like that with the weight-loss. Each new level is going to seem hard, until I hit the next one.
I think another comparison can be made... when I started marathon training, I'd have a few drinks early in the week before my run. But as the runs got longer, and longer, and still longer, I cut that out entirely- even if it was one beer on a Monday - because it just wasn't worth the pain when I was gonna feel it on that long run on Saturday. These setbacks are kind of like that. Eventually, I'll remember the "pain" of going thru this week and I'll stop slipping up on crappy food and it will get easier.
At least, that's what I'm telling myself today: it will get easier.
1.30.2008
not giving in
i think this is one of those 1 step forward- 2 steps back things... and no- i'm not talking "opposites attract" old skool paula abdul.
i took a huge step forward last week- and now i'm falling backwards this week. i'm up 2 lbs on my home scale from my bender this weekend. and the sad thing is- that's what my life looked like on a regular basis not too long ago. the good news is that derailing now looks a lot better than what derailing pre-ww looked like.
and i went to the gym last night... but the eating is just barely under control- it's not completely under control this week.
i'm not going to just totally give in- as i have done in the past- but it is an internal battle of the weirdest kind. I'm tired. I need to infuse this habit change process w/ some variety I think. Time to switch it up- somehow...
I've been allowing trigger foods and situations back into my life and clearly I'm not ready for them yet.
i took a huge step forward last week- and now i'm falling backwards this week. i'm up 2 lbs on my home scale from my bender this weekend. and the sad thing is- that's what my life looked like on a regular basis not too long ago. the good news is that derailing now looks a lot better than what derailing pre-ww looked like.
and i went to the gym last night... but the eating is just barely under control- it's not completely under control this week.
i'm not going to just totally give in- as i have done in the past- but it is an internal battle of the weirdest kind. I'm tired. I need to infuse this habit change process w/ some variety I think. Time to switch it up- somehow...
I've been allowing trigger foods and situations back into my life and clearly I'm not ready for them yet.
1.29.2008
trashing success
i had pinkberry and a delish lean cuisine today- along w/ other assorted "on program" snacks.
you know, i had a lean cuisine for dinner last night that was also delish. i have never been super into the frozen food thing (unless you count some of the frozen bagged stuff from TJ's)... but maybe i should start looking at keeping my freezer stocked. this seems to be a good way to manage points and eat almost real food that's pretty good. i have been putting it onto real plates as well so i don't feel like its in some crappy packaging. which always seems to help. it's my lazy way to stay on track.
i still have 18 points left for today- which is a lot. i will have subway for dinner, after i work-out, and watch the biggest loser. i also need to pick up some more golden spoon to stock in the freezer.
i am still really irritated w/ how boring i feel about all that. but i'll get over it, i think.
cooking for one is kind of a bitch. i mean- i don't want to eat the same things every single day (aside from starbucks and golden spoon) so having leftovers is not really helpful. and making a meal for one person seems like so much effort sometimes.
i'm just still whiney about it all right now b/c i'm mad at myself for derailing this weekend. my home scale says i'm up those 2lbs i lost to hit my 20lb goal. so i have to LOSE those 2 lbs again just to maintain this week.
success... this is not just a weight issue but a common problem in my life in general. once upon a time i was really great at everything i did. and somewhere along the way i started fucking it all up.
i am deserving of this weight-loss success. i am! it just isn't sinking in deep enough to keep me focused every single day. more changes to come.
***
i was recently reminded of the last time i thought i was getting remotely thinner... it was around 03 or 04, when i went to my friend lauren's wedding in vegas at the bellagio. i can remember every single outfit i wore that weekend. and how great i felt about myself. i didn't hate my life. i was really enjoying it. i was working in beverly hills and my job hadn't gotten boring yet and i was dating a few people. i had just extricated myself from a terrible job that had been taking over my life- not to mention my soul.
before that, i think the last time i felt "thin" or on my way to thin was 95-97- my jr and sr yr's of high school when i took phen-fen. and before that, my last significant memory of really working at the weight-loss was around 5th or 6th grade... that's when it started. i'd been a heavy kid... i remember recital dance outfits not fitting right... but before that, if you get back to it. i'd been ok until about 3rd grade...
food as a coping mechanism. i remember D.A.R.E. coming to our classes to warn us against drugs. i started my rebellion around 7th grade.
i think i always knew about myself that if i ever really got into drugs or alcohol that it could be the end of my life. that it would be the end of my life. i think i knew about addiction really early. and i'm not sure why, or how. but i knew that i had inside me, a tendency towards destruction.
i had a fear about those commercials "this is your brain- this is your brain on drugs" - with the eggs in the fying pan. i didn't want to sizzle my brain like the eggs in the pan and the next best choice was extreme- voluminous amounts of sugary treat-like foods.
i used to walk to 7-11 w/ my best friend nikki and i always got a reese's peanut butter cup. i usually got 4-5 items but i remember the reese's.
nikki and i got older and we used to hang out under the seal beach pier, and at the lakewood mall. when we got too cold under the pier- we walked back to taco bell and mcdonald's on pch- she would always only get coffee. i would always get nachos and fries.
i can't begin to think of the dollars i have eaten- and now, with age, drinken away.
nikki's house was a wonderland of junk- and she was always given dessert- b/c she wasn't gaining weight as a kid ... i was gaining it for her.
guys were into her, not me.
she was blonde, and cute, and crazy, and artistic, and super fun.
i was not blonde. but i had the brains, and the money. nikki wasn't not smart, but she did have learning disabilities.
and so that was the trade-off. i was the smart one- and she was the pretty one.
i used to always think as a kid when we went shopping for school clothes, that i was really lucky that my parents could afford to buy the more expensive fat clothes for me. if we found one item that fit me, we bought it in every color they offered. i used to literally, literally think, in a childlike way, that that was the tradeoff. you could be skinny and beautiful- or you could be fat and ugly, but buy your way out of it, maybe. i was always bitter b/c you can always make more money- but you can't change the science of who you are, trapped inside a body you hate.
and clearly you grow up and you learn better.
but some things get hard-wired and you can't kill the neurological pathways that have been burned into your brain over the years.
maybe i've been trashing the smart me, to somehow find the pretty me.
i won't do my laundry. i won't hang up my clothes. i won't buy new ones. i refuse.
i can't find a groove to settle into in my career. and i keep not submitting my mba / grad school apps. i won't retake the gmat. i won't do any of it.
i'm trashing the intelligent person i was- b/c i still think it's a trade-off. that i can't have both.
i'd give anything to be one of the skinny, pretty girls. i really would- you'd be surprised, what i'm willing to give up to have that. and i know it's shallow. and at the same time that i want it- i hate myself a little bit for that fact. and any one of you who is going to comment that beauty is on the inside- you may as well ice your face now before i smack you. that may be the truth. but it is not the society we live in. and maybe that means society is wrong- but i don't fucking care.
but i'm real clear now... i've been trashing my success, and my life in general, in a sad, unconscious pursuit of a "new and improved" me that isn't ever going to exist. at least, not in the way my head has created it.
i am hardwired to believe it is a trade-off.
it's not.
i will get thin. and i will love my life again. but there is a long road ahead. and a large scary space to hang out in while i figure it all out.
you know, i had a lean cuisine for dinner last night that was also delish. i have never been super into the frozen food thing (unless you count some of the frozen bagged stuff from TJ's)... but maybe i should start looking at keeping my freezer stocked. this seems to be a good way to manage points and eat almost real food that's pretty good. i have been putting it onto real plates as well so i don't feel like its in some crappy packaging. which always seems to help. it's my lazy way to stay on track.
i still have 18 points left for today- which is a lot. i will have subway for dinner, after i work-out, and watch the biggest loser. i also need to pick up some more golden spoon to stock in the freezer.
i am still really irritated w/ how boring i feel about all that. but i'll get over it, i think.
cooking for one is kind of a bitch. i mean- i don't want to eat the same things every single day (aside from starbucks and golden spoon) so having leftovers is not really helpful. and making a meal for one person seems like so much effort sometimes.
i'm just still whiney about it all right now b/c i'm mad at myself for derailing this weekend. my home scale says i'm up those 2lbs i lost to hit my 20lb goal. so i have to LOSE those 2 lbs again just to maintain this week.
success... this is not just a weight issue but a common problem in my life in general. once upon a time i was really great at everything i did. and somewhere along the way i started fucking it all up.
i am deserving of this weight-loss success. i am! it just isn't sinking in deep enough to keep me focused every single day.
***
i was recently reminded of the last time i thought i was getting remotely thinner... it was around 03 or 04, when i went to my friend lauren's wedding in vegas at the bellagio. i can remember every single outfit i wore that weekend. and how great i felt about myself. i didn't hate my life. i was really enjoying it. i was working in beverly hills and my job hadn't gotten boring yet and i was dating a few people. i had just extricated myself from a terrible job that had been taking over my life- not to mention my soul.
before that, i think the last time i felt "thin" or on my way to thin was 95-97- my jr and sr yr's of high school when i took phen-fen. and before that, my last significant memory of really working at the weight-loss was around 5th or 6th grade... that's when it started. i'd been a heavy kid... i remember recital dance outfits not fitting right... but before that, if you get back to it. i'd been ok until about 3rd grade...
food as a coping mechanism. i remember D.A.R.E. coming to our classes to warn us against drugs. i started my rebellion around 7th grade.
i think i always knew about myself that if i ever really got into drugs or alcohol that it could be the end of my life. that it would be the end of my life. i think i knew about addiction really early. and i'm not sure why, or how. but i knew that i had inside me, a tendency towards destruction.
i had a fear about those commercials "this is your brain- this is your brain on drugs" - with the eggs in the fying pan. i didn't want to sizzle my brain like the eggs in the pan and the next best choice was extreme- voluminous amounts of sugary treat-like foods.
i used to walk to 7-11 w/ my best friend nikki and i always got a reese's peanut butter cup. i usually got 4-5 items but i remember the reese's.
nikki and i got older and we used to hang out under the seal beach pier, and at the lakewood mall. when we got too cold under the pier- we walked back to taco bell and mcdonald's on pch- she would always only get coffee. i would always get nachos and fries.
i can't begin to think of the dollars i have eaten- and now, with age, drinken away.
nikki's house was a wonderland of junk- and she was always given dessert- b/c she wasn't gaining weight as a kid ... i was gaining it for her.
guys were into her, not me.
she was blonde, and cute, and crazy, and artistic, and super fun.
i was not blonde. but i had the brains, and the money. nikki wasn't not smart, but she did have learning disabilities.
and so that was the trade-off. i was the smart one- and she was the pretty one.
i used to always think as a kid when we went shopping for school clothes, that i was really lucky that my parents could afford to buy the more expensive fat clothes for me. if we found one item that fit me, we bought it in every color they offered. i used to literally, literally think, in a childlike way, that that was the tradeoff. you could be skinny and beautiful- or you could be fat and ugly, but buy your way out of it, maybe. i was always bitter b/c you can always make more money- but you can't change the science of who you are, trapped inside a body you hate.
and clearly you grow up and you learn better.
but some things get hard-wired and you can't kill the neurological pathways that have been burned into your brain over the years.
maybe i've been trashing the smart me, to somehow find the pretty me.
i won't do my laundry. i won't hang up my clothes. i won't buy new ones. i refuse.
i can't find a groove to settle into in my career. and i keep not submitting my mba / grad school apps. i won't retake the gmat. i won't do any of it.
i'm trashing the intelligent person i was- b/c i still think it's a trade-off. that i can't have both.
i'd give anything to be one of the skinny, pretty girls. i really would- you'd be surprised, what i'm willing to give up to have that. and i know it's shallow. and at the same time that i want it- i hate myself a little bit for that fact. and any one of you who is going to comment that beauty is on the inside- you may as well ice your face now before i smack you. that may be the truth. but it is not the society we live in. and maybe that means society is wrong- but i don't fucking care.
but i'm real clear now... i've been trashing my success, and my life in general, in a sad, unconscious pursuit of a "new and improved" me that isn't ever going to exist. at least, not in the way my head has created it.
i am hardwired to believe it is a trade-off.
it's not.
i will get thin. and i will love my life again. but there is a long road ahead. and a large scary space to hang out in while i figure it all out.
1.28.2008
i don't want carrots
i need to bitch. this is so much work. its so much effort. all day. every day. every night. i'm so tired of it right now.
i don't want carrots, i want pizza. and more to the point- i want to be one of the skinny people who can eat pizza and real coca-cola all day long and not gain an ounce. i hate those people. why can't i be blessed w/ that metabolism? :( meh.
i dont want to track everything i eat for the rest of my life. but i really am probably going to have to do it.
you know- normal addicts -to anything- have it easier, in a way. if you smoke- when you quit, you just don't ever have a cigarette. if you go to AA, you just don't ever have a drink. you're not forced into having smaller portions of your drug of choice. you don't have to be tempted by having just one hit, but no more. i know i know- my analogy isn't right b/c a 'real' addiction is serious- but you know- i seriously feel like "one day at time" applies here.
and i hate today.
it's hard b/c i totally went off plan this weekend. i had BJ's pizza, and a crazy delish french dinner, and brie, and wine, and greasy eggs and toast at Denny's, and CPK. I ate out the entire weekend- and I was never home. And it was my old life. And I miss it.
And now I am back to getting back "on plan" and it sucks.
I guess the point is that I am getting back on plan. I'm doing it.
But I miss my old life. And I'm angry that I have to give it up.
i don't want carrots, i want pizza. and more to the point- i want to be one of the skinny people who can eat pizza and real coca-cola all day long and not gain an ounce. i hate those people. why can't i be blessed w/ that metabolism? :( meh.
i dont want to track everything i eat for the rest of my life. but i really am probably going to have to do it.
you know- normal addicts -to anything- have it easier, in a way. if you smoke- when you quit, you just don't ever have a cigarette. if you go to AA, you just don't ever have a drink. you're not forced into having smaller portions of your drug of choice. you don't have to be tempted by having just one hit, but no more. i know i know- my analogy isn't right b/c a 'real' addiction is serious- but you know- i seriously feel like "one day at time" applies here.
and i hate today.
it's hard b/c i totally went off plan this weekend. i had BJ's pizza, and a crazy delish french dinner, and brie, and wine, and greasy eggs and toast at Denny's, and CPK. I ate out the entire weekend- and I was never home. And it was my old life. And I miss it.
And now I am back to getting back "on plan" and it sucks.
I guess the point is that I am getting back on plan. I'm doing it.
But I miss my old life. And I'm angry that I have to give it up.
1.27.2008
I did it!
I have lost a total of 20.4 pounds as of 9am on Saturday. I lost 2.4lbs this week.
My victory is somewhat being shadowed by the fact that I have eaten like CRAP this weekend ever since. But I still have a whole week to balance that out. Next week I'll be thrilled so long as I don't gain.
I am 8.6lbs away from my 10% goal. The goal I have NEVER been able to attain no matter how many times I've tried weight watchers. The 20lb goal is nothing compared to what losing "10%" will mean to me.
And I think it's about to get harder. See, even though I've lost 20lbs and that's fantastic, I really put those pounds on in the last 6 months to a year. Before that, I was holding steady for some time at around the weight I am now. So my body knows that weight. My body is comfy w/ that weight and is happy to have returned to it. I am going to have to force my body into losing more fat- despite it's will to store it for winter. ;)
Also, I have to assess the fact that I didn't immediately report my victory. Instead, immediately- I turned to food. Those 2.4 that I took off this week to hit 20, were likely put right back on this weekend. Sneaky-Self-Sabotage, my friend. Its only been 2 days. I have plenty of time to regroup from that over this week... but I did some damage in the last 48 hours. WHY? Cocky-ness from success? Inability to cope w/ success? Denial? Pure emotional joy hand-to-mouth action? I'm not really sure what the hold up here is- but I am ready to admit that there is one here.
And again, that is something I'm going to have to change to keep doing this. And doing it well.
It has to be my first priority.
I ..... must..... be ..... my..... first..... priority..... every..... time.
My victory is somewhat being shadowed by the fact that I have eaten like CRAP this weekend ever since. But I still have a whole week to balance that out. Next week I'll be thrilled so long as I don't gain.
I am 8.6lbs away from my 10% goal. The goal I have NEVER been able to attain no matter how many times I've tried weight watchers. The 20lb goal is nothing compared to what losing "10%" will mean to me.
And I think it's about to get harder. See, even though I've lost 20lbs and that's fantastic, I really put those pounds on in the last 6 months to a year. Before that, I was holding steady for some time at around the weight I am now. So my body knows that weight. My body is comfy w/ that weight and is happy to have returned to it. I am going to have to force my body into losing more fat- despite it's will to store it for winter. ;)
Also, I have to assess the fact that I didn't immediately report my victory. Instead, immediately- I turned to food. Those 2.4 that I took off this week to hit 20, were likely put right back on this weekend. Sneaky-Self-Sabotage, my friend. Its only been 2 days. I have plenty of time to regroup from that over this week... but I did some damage in the last 48 hours. WHY? Cocky-ness from success? Inability to cope w/ success? Denial? Pure emotional joy hand-to-mouth action? I'm not really sure what the hold up here is- but I am ready to admit that there is one here.
And again, that is something I'm going to have to change to keep doing this. And doing it well.
It has to be my first priority.
I ..... must..... be ..... my..... first..... priority..... every..... time.
1.25.2008
not natural
The scale is still saying ok things today. That's fantastic. One more day of good eating to get through- and maybe a walk if there's a decent break in the rain to go for it.
I have a hot date of laundry and reading planned for myself tonight. (Man, this healthy business has made me boring - particularly on Friday nights)...
If I lose this week with less exercise, that's not going to be a great reinforcement for next week. But I know it's all cyclical. I am really starting to figure out though that it's more about the food than the exercise right now. Not that I'm not saying the exercise isn't also important. But, I guess I am trying to say this: It is easier for me to add lots of exercise into a week, than it is for me to eat well, for an entire week. So for me, the food remains the focal point of this process.
The exercise is awesome- and a key component to feeling well, and strong, and healthy. But the food is my downfall. And even though I started Weight Watchers again in September, and REALLY started doing it hardcore back in November, that is only a small blip on the radar of my entire life of unhealthy eating. So, I still don't have it under control. It still has to be this huge effort. It is not natural yet. And every DAY or HOUR that I forget that, I don't take the weight off.
I have a hot date of laundry and reading planned for myself tonight. (Man, this healthy business has made me boring - particularly on Friday nights)...
If I lose this week with less exercise, that's not going to be a great reinforcement for next week. But I know it's all cyclical. I am really starting to figure out though that it's more about the food than the exercise right now. Not that I'm not saying the exercise isn't also important. But, I guess I am trying to say this: It is easier for me to add lots of exercise into a week, than it is for me to eat well, for an entire week. So for me, the food remains the focal point of this process.
The exercise is awesome- and a key component to feeling well, and strong, and healthy. But the food is my downfall. And even though I started Weight Watchers again in September, and REALLY started doing it hardcore back in November, that is only a small blip on the radar of my entire life of unhealthy eating. So, I still don't have it under control. It still has to be this huge effort. It is not natural yet. And every DAY or HOUR that I forget that, I don't take the weight off.
repost - reformat
Alright- here is that bottom half of the last post- re-typed, because apparently I can't format, and I can't code. And blogger is pissing me off right now... But alas- here is the full text from the bottom half of below...
I'm not really sure I ever realized its almost exactly 1 mile. That's like day one though. It gets longer. And harder. Right now, I run for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. So unless I plan on doing a 5min. mile- I'm gonna have to start working on running longer.
But it will make me healthy- and it will make me lose weight- and it will instill fear inside of me for eating ANYthing "bad" which will be GREAT for my eating habits. I own 8lb and 12lb weights. I sort of breezed thru 10 for a short period of time, last time around. I know to start with my 8's, but since I've been doing 24lift and 24set, I sort of want to start with my 12's. I am positive that's not a great idea for day one.
Also- I need to go shop for some water resistant type sports wear. Bootcamp is dirty. You sweat and then you roll around on the grass, and then you sweat some more. And then the grass is damp, so you're sweaty, and wet from the grass, and dirty. I've never looked hotter, let me tell you. So I need some sporty attire that is water resistant to help me feel less disgusting in general.
Oh my goodness, I just remembered... the stairs! I have clearly blocked out all kinds of running drills. They are starting to come back to me. Around this mini-track, and up and down a steep hill, and around cones, ... oh my goodness I totally forgot the reality. But you know, while I was there doing it, it was seriously the fastest hour ... I was never checking my watch. It's a good thing I don't really have a complex about being last-- at least when it comes to physical stuff. I am totally the slowest person there. In a strange way, it’s kind of the best- b/c I'm only ever competing with myself to finish. Oh I am going to have many a story to tell when this starts, I can already feel it.
Anticipation... change... sweat!
1.24.2008
Anticipation... change... sweat!
no running. no kickboxing. i'm totally ok with it.
i hadn't been to the gym since monday... until tonight. i didn't go to a class- just did the precor elliptical for about 30min. and then the 24 weight circuit.
ate some of my weekly flex points today- i have plenty left this week.
again- could be doing better w/ the water and the fruits & veggies.
but my scale at home is being kind this week. i'm not worrying about it.
i'm just eating within my points and doing the best i can and hopefully that will be enough this week.
bootcamp is fast approaching so i really need to start getting more of those runs in if i am to survive that. the "typical" starting run / warm-up of bootcamp is the following... always with a few twists and turns thrown in....
i hadn't been to the gym since monday... until tonight. i didn't go to a class- just did the precor elliptical for about 30min. and then the 24 weight circuit.
ate some of my weekly flex points today- i have plenty left this week.
again- could be doing better w/ the water and the fruits & veggies.
but my scale at home is being kind this week. i'm not worrying about it.
i'm just eating within my points and doing the best i can and hopefully that will be enough this week.
bootcamp is fast approaching so i really need to start getting more of those runs in if i am to survive that. the "typical" starting run / warm-up of bootcamp is the following... always with a few twists and turns thrown in....
I'm not really sure I ever realized its almost exactly 1 mile. That's like day one though. It gets longer. And harder. Right now, I run for 5 minutes and walk for 5 minutes. So unless I plan on doing a 5min. mile- I'm gonna have to start working on running longer.
I hit a running wall at about 7 minutes, but I think I can do 10 minutes solid if I go really slow, and push really hard.
So basically, I need to practice ... I've got one more week before that starts. I am excited! Which MUST mean I've clearly forgotten how hard it is :)
But it will make me healthy- and it will make me lose weight- and it will instill fear inside of me for eating ANYthing "bad" which will be GREAT for my eating habits.
I own 8lb and 12lb weights. I sort of breezed thru 10 for a short period of time, last time around. I know to start with my 8's, but since I've been doing 24lift and 24set, I sort of want to start with my 12's.
I am positive that's not a great idea for day one.
Also- I need to go shop for some water resistant type sports wear. Bootcamp is dirty. You sweat and then you roll around on the grass, and then you sweat some more. And then the grass is damp, so you're sweaty, and wet from the grass, and dirty.
I've never looked hotter, let me tell you. So I need some sporty attire that is water resistant to help me feel less disgusting in general.
Oh my goodness, I just remembered... the stairs! I have clearly blocked out all kinds of running drills. They are starting to come back to me. Around this mini-track, and up and down a steep hill, and around cones, ... oh my goodness I totally forgot the reality. But you know, while I was there doing it, it was seriously the fastest hour ... I was never checking my watch.
It's a good thing I don't really have a complex about being last-- at least when it comes to physical stuff. I am totally the slowest person there. In a strange way, its kind of the best- b/c I'm only ever competing with myself to finish. Oh I am going to have many a story to tell when this starts, I can already feel it.
Anticipation... change... sweat!
1.22.2008
"In the Fatosphere..."
"In the Fatosphere, Big Is in, Or At Least Accepted" is the title of a New York Times article today by By Roni Caryn Rabin.
If I weren't running out the door, I assure you, you'd have a very long and heated response.
So, it'll have to wait.
But, plain & simple, I don't agree.
It's great to find a level of acceptance with yourself... but that's not the only result of this type of thinking.
Personally, I've had my moments in this phase... but it's a phase, and not a sustainable way to live a true happy life. They say "Loving your Fat Self" is rejecting "Fear, Loathing & Sacrifice" ... I think loving yourself means that. But loving your fat self actually brings more of all 3.
If I weren't running out the door, I assure you, you'd have a very long and heated response.
So, it'll have to wait.
But, plain & simple, I don't agree.
It's great to find a level of acceptance with yourself... but that's not the only result of this type of thinking.
Personally, I've had my moments in this phase... but it's a phase, and not a sustainable way to live a true happy life. They say "Loving your Fat Self" is rejecting "Fear, Loathing & Sacrifice" ... I think loving yourself means that. But loving your fat self actually brings more of all 3.
1.21.2008
coming home
I went to 24Lift tonight. That class can seriously kick my ass. Especially b/c I keep going to different instructors- so just when you think you've got their shit down- someone new does something different. Which, I guess is good- so I don't get bored. But oh my god-- it can be painful.
I have 2 points left for the day which I think I am going to fill with a mini bag of popcorn and maybe some defrosted blackberries (my current snack of choice). I also have 5 "activity" points I've earned but I'm not using those.
I had Subway for dinner after my workout which was delicious- and also a new part of the routine.
I vow to try out Turbo Kick Boxing tomorrow-- which I have NEVER done before. I haven't even really watched it. So that'll be an interesting experience. No running yet- I don't think I'm going to get to it until Wednesday. But I think kickboxing will be some fab cardio.
I am actually really excited for my Wednesday workout. I am going to be up in LA so I am going to do my SantaMonica-Venice-Marina run and then go to my old 24hr and use the machines there. No one seemed to offer a class in the afternoon which is when I will be killing time ... so its the perfect excuse to run my old routes. I'm not sure which one I'm doing yet- but I lean towards the Marina loop... or maybe south in the marina out to the bike path. I can't decide yet. But I am excited for it. Who knew?
I'm on a daily reporting kick again... b/c I need it to hold me accountable apparently. I ran some numbers today. And my original estimates to get down to 155 by the end of '08 are somewhat crazy. That was based on a loss of 2.5lbs/wk with no room for error. It is possible to lose that much when you're at high weights like I am now- but there is no way I'll be able to keep that up, realistically. So I still, now, aspire to lose 2.0 lbs/wk. (A little better at falling into reality land- but not by much.) That still gets me to goal by next January, which is ok with me. However, there are significant gaps of time by dropping even into the 1.5 or 1.25 lbs/wk range. 1.5 will put me at summer 09, and 1.25 puts me almost another full year away from my original goal- at December 2009.
So, I know it makes me a little anal for running these #s constantly and playing with the scenarios. What can I say? It's my sickness. And they really are all ok- so long as I hit 155lbs before I hit age 30. That's my big hang-up. But, instead of letting the time slowing get me down... I am using it to stay on track. It makes me realize that any sort of indulgence that could take away .25 or .5 of any given week's loss, just ain't worth it. And it helps me maintain my resolve and determination.
This is most clearly evidenced by eating out, and with alcohol consumption. Two of my faves! I know I cannot eliminate these things entirely because that is totally unrealistic. However, I really need to limit them until I am further along in this journey. I don't do very well with limits in general. That's how I got to be this fat in the first place. So it is a learning process.
I am determined to change this. Committing to this is helping me make the rest of my life more of what I want it to be as well. That is slowly slowly inching towards some sort of shape...
I am not sure Long Beach is where I want to be forever, but I am sure I had to come home to do this.
I have 2 points left for the day which I think I am going to fill with a mini bag of popcorn and maybe some defrosted blackberries (my current snack of choice). I also have 5 "activity" points I've earned but I'm not using those.
I had Subway for dinner after my workout which was delicious- and also a new part of the routine.
I vow to try out Turbo Kick Boxing tomorrow-- which I have NEVER done before. I haven't even really watched it. So that'll be an interesting experience. No running yet- I don't think I'm going to get to it until Wednesday. But I think kickboxing will be some fab cardio.
I am actually really excited for my Wednesday workout. I am going to be up in LA so I am going to do my SantaMonica-Venice-Marina run and then go to my old 24hr and use the machines there. No one seemed to offer a class in the afternoon which is when I will be killing time ... so its the perfect excuse to run my old routes. I'm not sure which one I'm doing yet- but I lean towards the Marina loop... or maybe south in the marina out to the bike path. I can't decide yet. But I am excited for it. Who knew?
I'm on a daily reporting kick again... b/c I need it to hold me accountable apparently. I ran some numbers today. And my original estimates to get down to 155 by the end of '08 are somewhat crazy. That was based on a loss of 2.5lbs/wk with no room for error. It is possible to lose that much when you're at high weights like I am now- but there is no way I'll be able to keep that up, realistically. So I still, now, aspire to lose 2.0 lbs/wk. (A little better at falling into reality land- but not by much.) That still gets me to goal by next January, which is ok with me. However, there are significant gaps of time by dropping even into the 1.5 or 1.25 lbs/wk range. 1.5 will put me at summer 09, and 1.25 puts me almost another full year away from my original goal- at December 2009.
So, I know it makes me a little anal for running these #s constantly and playing with the scenarios. What can I say? It's my sickness. And they really are all ok- so long as I hit 155lbs before I hit age 30. That's my big hang-up. But, instead of letting the time slowing get me down... I am using it to stay on track. It makes me realize that any sort of indulgence that could take away .25 or .5 of any given week's loss, just ain't worth it. And it helps me maintain my resolve and determination.
This is most clearly evidenced by eating out, and with alcohol consumption. Two of my faves! I know I cannot eliminate these things entirely because that is totally unrealistic. However, I really need to limit them until I am further along in this journey. I don't do very well with limits in general. That's how I got to be this fat in the first place. So it is a learning process.
I am determined to change this. Committing to this is helping me make the rest of my life more of what I want it to be as well. That is slowly slowly inching towards some sort of shape...
I am not sure Long Beach is where I want to be forever, but I am sure I had to come home to do this.
1.20.2008
cooking for one
So, I have re-evaluated the data. :) Just saying that makes me laugh a little.
In any case, while I wanted to hit my 10% goal before the end of January- and in the back of my mind I thought sometime in February would be ok too- it's a short month...
The reality is, if I lose at the current pace I am on, I won't hit my 10% mark until March 8th.
That is ok. Or at least, that is what I have on repeat in my head in hopes of truly believing it soon.
So to inspire myself, I already picked out my reward class.
It's in the BRAND new Hipcooks WEST location which just opened- with the owner (Monika) herself. And it couldn't be more perfect...
"Cooking For One...
Healthy, cheap, quick and easy (just like you, right? just kidding!) Meals that you can make for just you. Of course, they could also be made for two – you singles can mingle in this class! A barrage of items on the menu!
Butternut squash, apple and ginger soup, my fave pasta in the world, pizzette with caramelized shallots, proscuitto, rosemary and goat cheese, tilapia with salsa verde and puy lentils. Apple galette for the sweet tooth."
It's on a Tuesday night - 3/18 to be exact (from 7-10pm) and I'm registering to commit myself to this goal. Her purchases can be used on other classes if you have to cancel, so I figure I'm in the clear if I don't make my goal and need to adjust the date... but I won't do that. :)
There are about 12-14 open spaces right now and they fill up quickly... if anyone is interested in joining me-- it is a fantastic fun time-- and really delicious food too!
I am now exactly 2 lbs. away from hitting that 20lb total loss. It WILL be gone this week. Running is going to get me there... along with everything else. Also- I forgot to mention that I was actually awarded some "stay and succeed" charm for hitting like a 16 week commitment or something. It was funny to get it on a week that I gained... but it was still beneficial to know that merely hangin in there is just as (if not more) important as the # on the scale.
Does anyone else see that once I had a clear # in my head I haven't been able to hit it? When I was just trying to do my best, without looking at the stats and #s and planning it all out to the last ounce lost, I was doing great. I gotta get back to that mentality... and asap!
In any case, while I wanted to hit my 10% goal before the end of January- and in the back of my mind I thought sometime in February would be ok too- it's a short month...
The reality is, if I lose at the current pace I am on, I won't hit my 10% mark until March 8th.
That is ok. Or at least, that is what I have on repeat in my head in hopes of truly believing it soon.
So to inspire myself, I already picked out my reward class.
It's in the BRAND new Hipcooks WEST location which just opened- with the owner (Monika) herself. And it couldn't be more perfect...
"Cooking For One...
Healthy, cheap, quick and easy (just like you, right? just kidding!) Meals that you can make for just you. Of course, they could also be made for two – you singles can mingle in this class! A barrage of items on the menu!
Butternut squash, apple and ginger soup, my fave pasta in the world, pizzette with caramelized shallots, proscuitto, rosemary and goat cheese, tilapia with salsa verde and puy lentils. Apple galette for the sweet tooth."
It's on a Tuesday night - 3/18 to be exact (from 7-10pm) and I'm registering to commit myself to this goal. Her purchases can be used on other classes if you have to cancel, so I figure I'm in the clear if I don't make my goal and need to adjust the date... but I won't do that. :)
There are about 12-14 open spaces right now and they fill up quickly... if anyone is interested in joining me-- it is a fantastic fun time-- and really delicious food too!
I am now exactly 2 lbs. away from hitting that 20lb total loss. It WILL be gone this week. Running is going to get me there... along with everything else. Also- I forgot to mention that I was actually awarded some "stay and succeed" charm for hitting like a 16 week commitment or something. It was funny to get it on a week that I gained... but it was still beneficial to know that merely hangin in there is just as (if not more) important as the # on the scale.
Does anyone else see that once I had a clear # in my head I haven't been able to hit it? When I was just trying to do my best, without looking at the stats and #s and planning it all out to the last ounce lost, I was doing great. I gotta get back to that mentality... and asap!
swinging... no, not that kind ;)
I am disappointed to report I gained 0.4 of a lb. this week. Clearly, feeling like I was taking a break, meant I actually was. I know this is not a huge set-back, and it was bound to happen at some point. However, I remain irritated.
I am back to the crazy tracking and exercising. I think the main things that went wrong last week were that I ate out quite a bit... I allowed Noah's bagels a couple times (I tend to have an addiction here), ... and I did not run. Also, I didn't eat all my points some days- and despite not running, I was working out pretty hard on Mon,Wed&Fri... so I think maybe I screwed w/ my metabolism. I also ate virtually no fruits & veggies.
So- this week will be better. That 0.4 could have been anything from water weight from salty foods on Thurs/Fri, to lactic acid from doing more free weight work. I hope... :D
So- this week will be better. I am drinking all my water, measuring tablespoons, not eating anything that I don't know exactly how many points are in it... I am not using all my weekly flex points this weekend so I will have them to use accordingly throughout the week. I am planning my food, grocery shopping and preparing.
I'm back to the crazy vigilance ... but it's good. The mini swings of the weightloss pendulum are necessary for me to find the balance point. It's the huge swings that get me into trouble...
I am back to the crazy tracking and exercising. I think the main things that went wrong last week were that I ate out quite a bit... I allowed Noah's bagels a couple times (I tend to have an addiction here), ... and I did not run. Also, I didn't eat all my points some days- and despite not running, I was working out pretty hard on Mon,Wed&Fri... so I think maybe I screwed w/ my metabolism. I also ate virtually no fruits & veggies.
So- this week will be better. That 0.4 could have been anything from water weight from salty foods on Thurs/Fri, to lactic acid from doing more free weight work. I hope... :D
So- this week will be better. I am drinking all my water, measuring tablespoons, not eating anything that I don't know exactly how many points are in it... I am not using all my weekly flex points this weekend so I will have them to use accordingly throughout the week. I am planning my food, grocery shopping and preparing.
I'm back to the crazy vigilance ... but it's good. The mini swings of the weightloss pendulum are necessary for me to find the balance point. It's the huge swings that get me into trouble...
1.18.2008
i have not quit
so- thank you to everyone for all the spectacular support! really- it means so much to me. i cannot thank you enough for the kind words and random quotes, and various emails and many many conversations. it is all helping me on my way.
some of you are freaking out that i have quit (ahem, you know who you are) since i haven't posted in a few days. pffftt! puh-lease. i am just not as mental about it this week.
some of you have told me its like a written reality show. cool! i'm glad you're hooked. hehe. it holds me accountable.
here's a quick overview so you know i haven't given up.
the good:
~ i have worked out m-w-f this week at 24hr weight classes (24Lift & 24Set)
these have all been with different instructors and i'm finding out which ones i love, which ones i hate, and which ones i love to hate.
~ i have stayed within my points, and have even stayed well under on a few days
~ i have not let the process control me this week- i am now controlling it
~ i have started the process of trying to get this crazy weight watchers "on-the-go" program onto my treo. once functioning, this will be a GREAT tool for me. i have avoided trying to get this working for awhile b/c i am not tech savvy enough- but i am finally attempting it!
the bad:
~ i haven't tracked everything "religiously" ... meaning, i've got the food down, but i haven't really taken note of how many fruits/veggies, how much water, how much salt, etc. ... which can all affect things.
~ i haven't run, at all (but my weight classes have cardio- tons of it)
~ i ate chinese food on sunday & last night... while i controlled it all- we'll see how the salt affects things
~ i used my weekly extra flex points pretty much all last weekend on alcohol and taco bell, which could be good or bad.
we'll see how well the easing up on the reins has worked on the scale this week. new adjustments to be made accordingly next week!
some of you are freaking out that i have quit (ahem, you know who you are) since i haven't posted in a few days. pffftt! puh-lease. i am just not as mental about it this week.
some of you have told me its like a written reality show. cool! i'm glad you're hooked. hehe. it holds me accountable.
here's a quick overview so you know i haven't given up.
the good:
~ i have worked out m-w-f this week at 24hr weight classes (24Lift & 24Set)
these have all been with different instructors and i'm finding out which ones i love, which ones i hate, and which ones i love to hate.
~ i have stayed within my points, and have even stayed well under on a few days
~ i have not let the process control me this week- i am now controlling it
~ i have started the process of trying to get this crazy weight watchers "on-the-go" program onto my treo. once functioning, this will be a GREAT tool for me. i have avoided trying to get this working for awhile b/c i am not tech savvy enough- but i am finally attempting it!
the bad:
~ i haven't tracked everything "religiously" ... meaning, i've got the food down, but i haven't really taken note of how many fruits/veggies, how much water, how much salt, etc. ... which can all affect things.
~ i haven't run, at all (but my weight classes have cardio- tons of it)
~ i ate chinese food on sunday & last night... while i controlled it all- we'll see how the salt affects things
~ i used my weekly extra flex points pretty much all last weekend on alcohol and taco bell, which could be good or bad.
we'll see how well the easing up on the reins has worked on the scale this week. new adjustments to be made accordingly next week!
1.15.2008
Im actually doing pretty well at this
So- everything is both a little harder and a little easier.
Tonight I was at an event that I just did NOT think and anticipate the food that would be there. I was totally caught off guard and not at all prepared to not eat in a room full of delish treats.
Luckily, I'd just eaten. However, I did not have FREE wine, I had pellegrino w/ lime. I did not have chocolate cake. I did not have cheese and crackers, I had one bagel chip. Just one. And trust me, luckily I got distracted or I would have gone back for more of those.
But I maintained and stuck to what I planned to eat for most of the day. I have had a slight problem with this bag of candy of Sour Balls from Disneyland that I found a day or two ago... but even that is not really a problem.
I worked out yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow. There is no question. Even when I am dreading going- I just do it anyway.
I do have some slight fear b/c I am not acting "vigilant" about it all and I worry that I could be screwing it up when I am so close to that 20lb mark. But at the same time, I sort of think I am not supposed to live in that insanity forever- or I won't stick to this. It has to feel easier at some point in order to keep moving forward.
I could be drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. That's about it right now. It's good. Because I was getting tired. Now, I somehow feel like I've got a break-- even though I'm not "off" the plan.
Tonight I was at an event that I just did NOT think and anticipate the food that would be there. I was totally caught off guard and not at all prepared to not eat in a room full of delish treats.
Luckily, I'd just eaten. However, I did not have FREE wine, I had pellegrino w/ lime. I did not have chocolate cake. I did not have cheese and crackers, I had one bagel chip. Just one. And trust me, luckily I got distracted or I would have gone back for more of those.
But I maintained and stuck to what I planned to eat for most of the day. I have had a slight problem with this bag of candy of Sour Balls from Disneyland that I found a day or two ago... but even that is not really a problem.
I worked out yesterday and I'm going again tomorrow. There is no question. Even when I am dreading going- I just do it anyway.
I do have some slight fear b/c I am not acting "vigilant" about it all and I worry that I could be screwing it up when I am so close to that 20lb mark. But at the same time, I sort of think I am not supposed to live in that insanity forever- or I won't stick to this. It has to feel easier at some point in order to keep moving forward.
I could be drinking more water and eating more fruits and veggies. That's about it right now. It's good. Because I was getting tired. Now, I somehow feel like I've got a break-- even though I'm not "off" the plan.
1.14.2008
a message to myself
I just re-read some of my favorite quotes I have posted on mySpace. They've been there awhile now. Maybe I should pay attention to myself sometime...
I've needed to hear all of these at one time or another... it was only a matter of time until I was in need of all them converging into one mass media message to myself...
Fave Quotes:
"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire. You will what you imagine. And at last, you create what you will."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"There comes a time when it's more than just a game. And you either take that step forward, or turn & walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing: I love the playing field."
-- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
"Forgiveness, is accepting the fact, that the past could have been any different"
-- someone on Oprah, and subsequently, Oprah Winfrey
"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
-- the mugs at coffee bean
I've needed to hear all of these at one time or another... it was only a matter of time until I was in need of all them converging into one mass media message to myself...
Fave Quotes:
"Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire. You will what you imagine. And at last, you create what you will."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"There comes a time when it's more than just a game. And you either take that step forward, or turn & walk away. I could quit, but here's the thing: I love the playing field."
-- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy
"Forgiveness, is accepting the fact, that the past could have been any different"
-- someone on Oprah, and subsequently, Oprah Winfrey
"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?"
-- the mugs at coffee bean
1.13.2008
things i don't want to know
I had a new epiphany in the car on the way home from dinner tonight. What if I lose the weight? I mean- really- what if I succeed? Then what?
I won't have a built-in excuse anymore.
If a guy just isn't into me- I won't be able to blame the weight.
If I don't get a job I want- I won't be able to blame the weight.
Whatever it is that I'm going to fuck up in the future- because I will- because I'm human- I will have to face- instead of blame the weight.
There- that's one.
Two is this- what if I succeed? Well- why the hell couldn't I have done this when I was 10 years old? When I first tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig BOTH for the 1st time. (Yes, that's right- 10 yrs old people) Well, if I do it now- and can lose all the weight and can succeed, why couldn't I do it then? Who and what have I pushed out of my life or let go of because of the weight? What if I could have gone to my prom? What if I would've gone to a different college? What if I could have pledged a sorority like I wanted most in the world when I was 17 but was shut out of... What if? What if? What if? If I succeed- and prove I can do it- and I didn't do it THEN... How could I have let so many years of happiness pass me by? How could I have let that happen? If I win at this now, how can I live with the fact that I let myself fail at it for 18 years?
***
I am not someone who just needs to lose weight and is finally doing it. I am not that person. I was never someone just going to grow out of their chunky preteen years. That's not me. It's not just some cool journey. It's who I am.
The weight that I carry around with me- good and bad- is a piece- a very very large piece (no pun intended) of who I am. My identity has been shaped around it. Formed, and molded, to fit, very tightly, around it. And if I have to get rid of it- if I really have to do this- I am going to have large gaping holes in the whole game of "Who am I?"
I am: the friend of the hot girl- the one the guys talk to about the girl they want "So what's the deal with your friend?" is standard to hear in my life, constantly.
I am not: ever, the one they are talking about
I am: the faithful listener
I am not: the center of attention
I am: the critical eye to help a friend shopping for an outfit for a hot date
I am not: ever taking friends shopping w/ me when I'm really buying real fat clothes (mostly)
I am: the bridesmaid
I am not: the bride
I am: partying single girl
I am not: the domesticated wife
I am: the helper
I am not: the do-er
I am: the Friend
I am not: the Girlfriend
I am: behind the scenes
I am not: center stage
I am terrified of losing the weight more than I ever knew.
I am not sure how I am going to find a new identity to believe in.
But I know I have to change at least 50% of what I believe about myself, in order to do this. It's getting hard. I have some super success. And, I'm about 10 lbs away from my 1st 10% goal. This is where I usually walk away.
I won't have a built-in excuse anymore.
If a guy just isn't into me- I won't be able to blame the weight.
If I don't get a job I want- I won't be able to blame the weight.
Whatever it is that I'm going to fuck up in the future- because I will- because I'm human- I will have to face- instead of blame the weight.
There- that's one.
Two is this- what if I succeed? Well- why the hell couldn't I have done this when I was 10 years old? When I first tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig BOTH for the 1st time. (Yes, that's right- 10 yrs old people) Well, if I do it now- and can lose all the weight and can succeed, why couldn't I do it then? Who and what have I pushed out of my life or let go of because of the weight? What if I could have gone to my prom? What if I would've gone to a different college? What if I could have pledged a sorority like I wanted most in the world when I was 17 but was shut out of... What if? What if? What if? If I succeed- and prove I can do it- and I didn't do it THEN... How could I have let so many years of happiness pass me by? How could I have let that happen? If I win at this now, how can I live with the fact that I let myself fail at it for 18 years?
***
I am not someone who just needs to lose weight and is finally doing it. I am not that person. I was never someone just going to grow out of their chunky preteen years. That's not me. It's not just some cool journey. It's who I am.
The weight that I carry around with me- good and bad- is a piece- a very very large piece (no pun intended) of who I am. My identity has been shaped around it. Formed, and molded, to fit, very tightly, around it. And if I have to get rid of it- if I really have to do this- I am going to have large gaping holes in the whole game of "Who am I?"
I am: the friend of the hot girl- the one the guys talk to about the girl they want "So what's the deal with your friend?" is standard to hear in my life, constantly.
I am not: ever, the one they are talking about
I am: the faithful listener
I am not: the center of attention
I am: the critical eye to help a friend shopping for an outfit for a hot date
I am not: ever taking friends shopping w/ me when I'm really buying real fat clothes (mostly)
I am: the bridesmaid
I am not: the bride
I am: partying single girl
I am not: the domesticated wife
I am: the helper
I am not: the do-er
I am: the Friend
I am not: the Girlfriend
I am: behind the scenes
I am not: center stage
I am terrified of losing the weight more than I ever knew.
I am not sure how I am going to find a new identity to believe in.
But I know I have to change at least 50% of what I believe about myself, in order to do this. It's getting hard. I have some super success. And, I'm about 10 lbs away from my 1st 10% goal. This is where I usually walk away.
a pattern emerges
I am starting to figure out that the binge eating is triggered by late night rejection. Now, don't think I haven't known that- forever. But I didn't realize it as one of the single biggest problems I have with this whole process of losing weight & becoming healthy.
I did SO well last night out partying. I had plenty of points saved up for drinks and I had chicken tacos a la carte somewhere halfway through! Twas SUCH fun times!
...
But on the late night return home, after another few FULLY expected disappointments w/ various guys, I somehow found myself at the Taco Bell drive through.
Now- I have improved. My order was not huge, but I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I have late night "healthy" munchie food in my freezer for this exact purpose. I did not need the Taco Bell. And I was half aware of this even as I placed the order. But I couldn't stop myself.
I wasn't trying to "sober up" and I wasn't hungry. So, the only explanation I can arrive at is emotional binge eating. If I don't want to be alone, the food will keep me company. It doesn't judge and it is consistent and reliable... things I'm not getting anywhere else...
Constant. This is constantly my life. Believing that years of my life are worth more than this crap shouldn't be hard. But I still don't know how to change it, yet.
I did SO well last night out partying. I had plenty of points saved up for drinks and I had chicken tacos a la carte somewhere halfway through! Twas SUCH fun times!
...
But on the late night return home, after another few FULLY expected disappointments w/ various guys, I somehow found myself at the Taco Bell drive through.
Now- I have improved. My order was not huge, but I shouldn't have been there in the first place. I have late night "healthy" munchie food in my freezer for this exact purpose. I did not need the Taco Bell. And I was half aware of this even as I placed the order. But I couldn't stop myself.
I wasn't trying to "sober up" and I wasn't hungry. So, the only explanation I can arrive at is emotional binge eating. If I don't want to be alone, the food will keep me company. It doesn't judge and it is consistent and reliable... things I'm not getting anywhere else...
Constant. This is constantly my life. Believing that years of my life are worth more than this crap shouldn't be hard. But I still don't know how to change it, yet.
1.12.2008
I would burn them
I am down 2lbs. this week. And while I thought last night that that would be failure, I have new perspective on it today. I am sane again. 2lbs is great! I will hit the 20lb. mark next week for sure. I know it. I'm ok with it. It's moving a little more slowly that I would like, but that just means I need to exercise more. And that is ok too. It makes me feel great-- once I am done. It's getting there that is the hard part.
So this week I will continue to stay on track w/ the eating. It's getting easier. And I will exercise my heart out. And I'll feel great- and I will not be a crazy person this week. :-D
I have to put my bridesmaid dress order in on Monday... that will be interesting. Here's the fun thing about being fat and ordering one of these dresses... not only will I be ordering the largest size that they offer, which is additionally expensive by $20-$50 more than regular sizes, but I will probably ALSO be ordering extra fabric- just in case it needs to be let out, and I will be ordering the dress w/ an extra 6inches of length at the bottom- not b/c I'm tall- but b/c the extra width to me will take up that extra length- not vertically. All of these things are separate, extra charges, for the regular ol' fat person.
No one really shares the horror that this truly is. And I know its not just me. B/c I mean- the sizes are offered. So that's just business. No one said- I think we should offer plus sizes b/c that'd be nice of us- they said- we should offer plus sizes and charge more b/c they'll pay it b/c they have to. And I think more than 60% of America is overweight. So I know I'm not alone here. But no one will tell you how truly expensive all clothes are for the fat people you know. And I know you know them. And it is ironic- since clothes shopping is such a demoralizing horrible experience to begin with, for my people at least. Yes, I said "my people" ... yes, we are an entirely separate demographic. We go shopping for shoes and make-up. B/c that's the bottom line for fun for us.
I had dresses made for my bat-mitzvah. And I didn't attend my prom- or a winter formal- ever. Not because I was lame and had no friends. I'm pretty sure most of my friends were mad at me for not going. I didn't go because I couldn't wear anything. I'm pretty sure I wore men's jeans from the gap for most of my youth. Because the plus size market has grown with my age. It didn't exist then. Fun stores like Torrid weren't around. Media didn't cover it as an epidemic yet. It was shameful and horrible and it still is- but ironically I have to be grateful the correct sizes are even offered- now.
I am close to 20lbs down, and I have stuck w/ this solidly for 17 weeks now, going on 18. When I hit a solid size 18, I will be thrilled. And when I hit a size 12, I might cry- b/c the last time I barely fit into that size was when I was taking "phen-fen" during my junior and senior years of high school.
Each time I hit a new size- I'm giving my clothes away. Because I will NEVER wear them again. If I didn't want to see them go to good use for someone else- I would burn them.
So this week I will continue to stay on track w/ the eating. It's getting easier. And I will exercise my heart out. And I'll feel great- and I will not be a crazy person this week. :-D
I have to put my bridesmaid dress order in on Monday... that will be interesting. Here's the fun thing about being fat and ordering one of these dresses... not only will I be ordering the largest size that they offer, which is additionally expensive by $20-$50 more than regular sizes, but I will probably ALSO be ordering extra fabric- just in case it needs to be let out, and I will be ordering the dress w/ an extra 6inches of length at the bottom- not b/c I'm tall- but b/c the extra width to me will take up that extra length- not vertically. All of these things are separate, extra charges, for the regular ol' fat person.
No one really shares the horror that this truly is. And I know its not just me. B/c I mean- the sizes are offered. So that's just business. No one said- I think we should offer plus sizes b/c that'd be nice of us- they said- we should offer plus sizes and charge more b/c they'll pay it b/c they have to. And I think more than 60% of America is overweight. So I know I'm not alone here. But no one will tell you how truly expensive all clothes are for the fat people you know. And I know you know them. And it is ironic- since clothes shopping is such a demoralizing horrible experience to begin with, for my people at least. Yes, I said "my people" ... yes, we are an entirely separate demographic. We go shopping for shoes and make-up. B/c that's the bottom line for fun for us.
I had dresses made for my bat-mitzvah. And I didn't attend my prom- or a winter formal- ever. Not because I was lame and had no friends. I'm pretty sure most of my friends were mad at me for not going. I didn't go because I couldn't wear anything. I'm pretty sure I wore men's jeans from the gap for most of my youth. Because the plus size market has grown with my age. It didn't exist then. Fun stores like Torrid weren't around. Media didn't cover it as an epidemic yet. It was shameful and horrible and it still is- but ironically I have to be grateful the correct sizes are even offered- now.
I am close to 20lbs down, and I have stuck w/ this solidly for 17 weeks now, going on 18. When I hit a solid size 18, I will be thrilled. And when I hit a size 12, I might cry- b/c the last time I barely fit into that size was when I was taking "phen-fen" during my junior and senior years of high school.
Each time I hit a new size- I'm giving my clothes away. Because I will NEVER wear them again. If I didn't want to see them go to good use for someone else- I would burn them.
1.11.2008
for the record...
For the record...
24SET is NOT the same at 24Lift.
24SET is like a step class on crack. It is step cardio AND weights all rolled into one. It is nuts. I don't think I will be as sore as I was from 24Lift on Monday- but I definitely think it's somehow a harder workout.
I have a serious mental build-up about the scale this week. I will be seriously disappointed if I haven't lost at least 2.5lbs. I've really had a good week and have worked my ass off in the gym, and outside running. 3.6lbs is the goal, 2.5lbs is the satisfaction mark and anything less than 1lb will feel like complete failure-- even though I know it's not.
I am pounding water like its a shotgunned beer. I am tracking every morsel I consume. I literally bitched to my mother about 170 calorie yogurt in her fridge not behing healthy enough. I am a little nuts right now, I know. But the main reason this blog is fantastic for me, personally, is that I can leave most of my neuroses behind, here, and then go on about my day. :)
24SET is NOT the same at 24Lift.
24SET is like a step class on crack. It is step cardio AND weights all rolled into one. It is nuts. I don't think I will be as sore as I was from 24Lift on Monday- but I definitely think it's somehow a harder workout.
I have a serious mental build-up about the scale this week. I will be seriously disappointed if I haven't lost at least 2.5lbs. I've really had a good week and have worked my ass off in the gym, and outside running. 3.6lbs is the goal, 2.5lbs is the satisfaction mark and anything less than 1lb will feel like complete failure-- even though I know it's not.
I am pounding water like its a shotgunned beer. I am tracking every morsel I consume. I literally bitched to my mother about 170 calorie yogurt in her fridge not behing healthy enough. I am a little nuts right now, I know. But the main reason this blog is fantastic for me, personally, is that I can leave most of my neuroses behind, here, and then go on about my day. :)
1.10.2008
"our lives are made, in these small hours"
Apple crisp. ice cream. ice cream sundae. fudge brownie. fudge brownie w/ ice cream.
Pizza, pasta & cheese, oh my.
I survived it all. One more dinner out, down.
It is amazing to me how I really have started to make a dent in the change to my eating habits. I guess meals in a one-on-one sort of scenario I have managed thus far. But I think it really is "group" settings in which I face the most temptation. But I am starting to take a weird satisfaction in NOT eating the crap, instead of stuffing myself with it. I am content to sit and watch everyone eat the junk, knowing that I'm not lost in the food haze anymore. Not that I wish unhealthy food on anyone else, and least not, my friends and family... but I am just so happy that I am not the one eating it that I can't see beyond that for the time being. The difference, is that I show up, and I'm present, at the table. I rarely open menus now, particularly if I know where I'm going in advance. I thought that I was getting onto an auto-pilot track, but that is inaccurate. I was on auto-pilot. Now I am finally present at the meal- to conversation, and to people. I'm not there for the food. And I can't say that was the case before this began.
I left the restaurant not full. Definitely not hungry either. But I'm starting to learn what that feels like- satisfied vs. stuffed. I don't think I've been familiar w/ that difference since I was a kid.
Next, I am waking up to work-out madness. Which reminds me, I should charge my iPod...
I am going to do my hour run/walk (5minutes running, 5minutes walking) and then 24Lift, again (maybe it won't hurt this time). I aspire to do a 20-30min. walk after this, but we'll see how it goes. I'm going to the Cypress gym because well, I'd rather lift weights at 10am than 6am. They have a better schedule for Friday.
But one of these days, I am going to run to my gym- lift- and run home. That is a new goal. I mapped it. It's about 2.5 miles to the gym. So right now, I could get there, but I'd be damn tired on the return. I need to build up some more stamina. When I am doing 4-5 miles solidly for about a week, then I'll try it.
The one thing I haven't been good about this week is water. I haven't been drinking enough. And I had a lot of salt early in the week. I even think I got slightly dehydrated today. I have a suspicion that could affect things on Saturday, but hopefully I'll be able to get my system back on track w/ that in the next day.
Additionally, tonight, after not having even a single bite of all that dessert at CPK, I left the golden spoon in the freezer, and had a cup of defrosted blackberries instead. I'm not sure who that was taking those actions in my kitchen- but I'm glad she's starting to show her face more often.
Pizza, pasta & cheese, oh my.
I survived it all. One more dinner out, down.
It is amazing to me how I really have started to make a dent in the change to my eating habits. I guess meals in a one-on-one sort of scenario I have managed thus far. But I think it really is "group" settings in which I face the most temptation. But I am starting to take a weird satisfaction in NOT eating the crap, instead of stuffing myself with it. I am content to sit and watch everyone eat the junk, knowing that I'm not lost in the food haze anymore. Not that I wish unhealthy food on anyone else, and least not, my friends and family... but I am just so happy that I am not the one eating it that I can't see beyond that for the time being. The difference, is that I show up, and I'm present, at the table. I rarely open menus now, particularly if I know where I'm going in advance. I thought that I was getting onto an auto-pilot track, but that is inaccurate. I was on auto-pilot. Now I am finally present at the meal- to conversation, and to people. I'm not there for the food. And I can't say that was the case before this began.
I left the restaurant not full. Definitely not hungry either. But I'm starting to learn what that feels like- satisfied vs. stuffed. I don't think I've been familiar w/ that difference since I was a kid.
Next, I am waking up to work-out madness. Which reminds me, I should charge my iPod...
I am going to do my hour run/walk (5minutes running, 5minutes walking) and then 24Lift, again (maybe it won't hurt this time). I aspire to do a 20-30min. walk after this, but we'll see how it goes. I'm going to the Cypress gym because well, I'd rather lift weights at 10am than 6am. They have a better schedule for Friday.
But one of these days, I am going to run to my gym- lift- and run home. That is a new goal. I mapped it. It's about 2.5 miles to the gym. So right now, I could get there, but I'd be damn tired on the return. I need to build up some more stamina. When I am doing 4-5 miles solidly for about a week, then I'll try it.
The one thing I haven't been good about this week is water. I haven't been drinking enough. And I had a lot of salt early in the week. I even think I got slightly dehydrated today. I have a suspicion that could affect things on Saturday, but hopefully I'll be able to get my system back on track w/ that in the next day.
Additionally, tonight, after not having even a single bite of all that dessert at CPK, I left the golden spoon in the freezer, and had a cup of defrosted blackberries instead. I'm not sure who that was taking those actions in my kitchen- but I'm glad she's starting to show her face more often.
danger zone
So- I've spent all morning, basically, doing cardio. I went for a walk w/ my Mom, and then for a run down at the beach. I also went to the gym last night. I didn't do the crazy weights class again. I just did the "precore" for about 30min and then the "24" circuit of weight machines. My chest muscles and ab's got totally worked over on Monday and are still recovering basically. I felt it on my run today. I like to think the precore elliptical machine is a good work-out while I'm on it- but then I go run on solid pavement and I have my doubts. Things to ask a trainer...
Anyhow- much as I was all "hardcore" about everything at the start of the week- I may have only held up the exercise end of that deal. I ate at CPK on Tuesday and I think I'm going there again tonight. Tis a challenge- we'll see what the scale thinks of it on Saturday.
I have relaxed a little about the food. It is either one of two options:
a) I have ingrained enough in me so that I can relax a little and just track stuff as I go now
or
b) I am slacking and just don't see it until it hits the scale
I'm not sure which is going on ... but at least I'm aware SOMEthing is going on. Anyhow- my runs are below if you're interested. I hate to admit it but Britney and a little Top Gun soundtrack on repeat might be my preferred workout playlist. hehe!
I am currently starving after such a morning of cardio and am off to figure out lunch :)
The 30min "warm-up" walk w/ my Mom...
My 1hr run/wlk today...
Anyhow- much as I was all "hardcore" about everything at the start of the week- I may have only held up the exercise end of that deal. I ate at CPK on Tuesday and I think I'm going there again tonight. Tis a challenge- we'll see what the scale thinks of it on Saturday.
I have relaxed a little about the food. It is either one of two options:
a) I have ingrained enough in me so that I can relax a little and just track stuff as I go now
or
b) I am slacking and just don't see it until it hits the scale
I'm not sure which is going on ... but at least I'm aware SOMEthing is going on. Anyhow- my runs are below if you're interested. I hate to admit it but Britney and a little Top Gun soundtrack on repeat might be my preferred workout playlist. hehe!
I am currently starving after such a morning of cardio and am off to figure out lunch :)
The 30min "warm-up" walk w/ my Mom...
My 1hr run/wlk today...
1.09.2008
all of my will- for the small precious few
Life is short.
And while there are many many things I can't prevent, there are a small precious few, that I can. I'm going to become healthy enough to be around when my kids have kids. I am at an age, albeit a fairly early age, where I am starting to realize how short time is, and how quickly it all goes by. Your life can change in an instant. In the blink of an eye. And you can't ever get back what you held so dear. It's never the same.
I am grateful for every-thing, every-one, and every good and bad thing in my life right now. Because it makes me who I am. And I really wouldn't change that for anything.
And while I am feeling a lot of stress and various emotions that I really really want to use food to cope with... I will not. I refuse. It will not happen. I am sore from Monday's workout and I did not run yesterday as planned. That's ok. I'm still going to the gym tonight. Even though I want to slack. I will not.
oh and ps- The Biggest Loser was ALL kinds of screwed up last night. The Blue Team should have gotten a phone card and the Brown team shouldn't have gone home!
And while there are many many things I can't prevent, there are a small precious few, that I can. I'm going to become healthy enough to be around when my kids have kids. I am at an age, albeit a fairly early age, where I am starting to realize how short time is, and how quickly it all goes by. Your life can change in an instant. In the blink of an eye. And you can't ever get back what you held so dear. It's never the same.
I am grateful for every-thing, every-one, and every good and bad thing in my life right now. Because it makes me who I am. And I really wouldn't change that for anything.
And while I am feeling a lot of stress and various emotions that I really really want to use food to cope with... I will not. I refuse. It will not happen. I am sore from Monday's workout and I did not run yesterday as planned. That's ok. I'm still going to the gym tonight. Even though I want to slack. I will not.
oh and ps- The Biggest Loser was ALL kinds of screwed up last night. The Blue Team should have gotten a phone card and the Brown team shouldn't have gone home!
1.07.2008
so. tired.
...I didn't go to 24SET...
I went to 24Lift instead! I had the name wrong. :)
But I went!
It was hard- it kicked my ass- I loved it and I'm going back (to the actual 24SET this time) on Wednesday.
My plan...
Weights: (1hr) Mon-Wed-Fri
Running: (1hr MINIMUM) Tues-Thurs-Fri
I'm going to treat Friday like a 'Last Chance' work-out day. (ala Biggest Loser style)
I will be sore tomorrow. But I am glad I went.
I went to 24Lift instead! I had the name wrong. :)
But I went!
It was hard- it kicked my ass- I loved it and I'm going back (to the actual 24SET this time) on Wednesday.
My plan...
Weights: (1hr) Mon-Wed-Fri
Running: (1hr MINIMUM) Tues-Thurs-Fri
I'm going to treat Friday like a 'Last Chance' work-out day. (ala Biggest Loser style)
I will be sore tomorrow. But I am glad I went.
do more
I am going to "24SET" tonight. Its a combo aerobic and strength class. Hopefully the knee won't be too much of an issue. It's not actually "hurt" ... just a huge scrape that is producing a nasty scab so my knee is anti-bending right now... but not really injured. Isn't that a lovely visual? It could be worse- I might take pictures.
Anyhow, I'm posting this b/c I feel flakey about going, even tho its only hours away. So I hope to report tomorrow, that I actually went. :-) This is the whole public accountability I speak of, in action.
In other workout news, I am going back to Bootcamp... starting Feb 4th...
It is one of the best workouts I've ever gotten. It's like personal training but there is a group- so you don't feel like you have someone hovering over you- even though they will in fact kick your ass into shape. I love it and miss it and even though I am not going to be thrilled to do the drive 3x/wk, I figure its an excuse to see people too while I'm up there.
I used to be at 12lb free weights, but I'm definitely going back to my 8's. Day one will SUCK... but it will get better.
I am hoping this will in fact increase the speed at which I start losing by increasing my metabolism... slowly, but surely.
Because I realize 1lb/wk isn't going to get me where I want to be. I'm not knocking it. I'm happy it's in the right direction. But I realize that if I want to attain my goals, which involve a minimum of 2.5lbs/wk, then I'm going to have to do more- and work harder. All, while avoiding a burnout swing in the wrong direction.
Anyhow, I'm posting this b/c I feel flakey about going, even tho its only hours away. So I hope to report tomorrow, that I actually went. :-) This is the whole public accountability I speak of, in action.
In other workout news, I am going back to Bootcamp... starting Feb 4th...
It is one of the best workouts I've ever gotten. It's like personal training but there is a group- so you don't feel like you have someone hovering over you- even though they will in fact kick your ass into shape. I love it and miss it and even though I am not going to be thrilled to do the drive 3x/wk, I figure its an excuse to see people too while I'm up there.
I used to be at 12lb free weights, but I'm definitely going back to my 8's. Day one will SUCK... but it will get better.
I am hoping this will in fact increase the speed at which I start losing by increasing my metabolism... slowly, but surely.
Because I realize 1lb/wk isn't going to get me where I want to be. I'm not knocking it. I'm happy it's in the right direction. But I realize that if I want to attain my goals, which involve a minimum of 2.5lbs/wk, then I'm going to have to do more- and work harder. All, while avoiding a burnout swing in the wrong direction.
1.06.2008
hardcore
This week I want to lose 3.6lbs. It is a hefty goal considering I've been on the 1-2lb/wk track. It will be ok if I don't hit it... but if I do-- oh if I do-- I will have lost a total of 20lbs since beginning this journey! And I want it- bad. And soon!
I am going to hit the exercise hardcore this week. I'm not setting foot in a bar. And I'm not setting foot in a restaurant- unless I know their menu like the back of my hand.
I figure if someone on Biggest Loser can lose 20 or 30 lbs in a WEEK by spending hours at the gym-- then I can do the same this week. Just one week. I'm not gonna go crazy forever... but I can devote one week to near-perfect plan-following to work it out.
And- the mere fact that I am saying "near-perfect" ... instead of requiring full perfection of myself- is actually a significant improvement in my terms of measurement.
I am going to hit the exercise hardcore this week. I'm not setting foot in a bar. And I'm not setting foot in a restaurant- unless I know their menu like the back of my hand.
I figure if someone on Biggest Loser can lose 20 or 30 lbs in a WEEK by spending hours at the gym-- then I can do the same this week. Just one week. I'm not gonna go crazy forever... but I can devote one week to near-perfect plan-following to work it out.
And- the mere fact that I am saying "near-perfect" ... instead of requiring full perfection of myself- is actually a significant improvement in my terms of measurement.
1.05.2008
down 1 lb.
I am down exactly 1 pound this week. I was very nervous about this weigh-in. I really thought I might gain b/c of bar food this week. But apparently I did enough exercise to combat. I am thrilled. But, I'm not as thrilled as I should be. I feel sort of mopey about it. I dunno...
I have all these lofty goals- and what I am doing is working- but I want it to go faster- and I want it not to be so hard. I am sure you can tell, if you are reading faithfully, that I post to this blog often enough. It is because I am constantly thinking about what I am eating- when I am exercising- who I am seeing and where and how that will affect what I eat. It is so much mental energy to keep doing well at this.
I am getting better at it. This past past week I went both to Tony P's AND to Sharkeez-- old faves. And I survived. But it was hard. Which, I think, means I'm not quite ready to put myself in those places just yet.
I'd rather see a bigger loss on the scale than have the luxury of spending a few hours in those places. There is always a trade-off, and a choice to be made.
I have all these lofty goals- and what I am doing is working- but I want it to go faster- and I want it not to be so hard. I am sure you can tell, if you are reading faithfully, that I post to this blog often enough. It is because I am constantly thinking about what I am eating- when I am exercising- who I am seeing and where and how that will affect what I eat. It is so much mental energy to keep doing well at this.
I am getting better at it. This past past week I went both to Tony P's AND to Sharkeez-- old faves. And I survived. But it was hard. Which, I think, means I'm not quite ready to put myself in those places just yet.
I'd rather see a bigger loss on the scale than have the luxury of spending a few hours in those places. There is always a trade-off, and a choice to be made.
1.04.2008
"unadulterated loathing"
"Loathing- unadulterated loathing" ...
Have you heard the Wicked soundtrack?? Apparently this is my new almost-end-of-run musical accompaniment. Loathing is the perfect happy music on the perfect pace. I just freaking luv it! It is a little pick-me-up. While the lyrics are super sarcastic- the music is super happy- and it is the perfect blend to start that jog again when you are starting to slow on the walk pace.
So, I went running(/walking) for an hour this a.m. -- in the grey dreary weather. But it was freakin fantastic! (see route below) I am about to deal w/ my free weights next.
I had a lovely breakfast before that of a cup of blackberries and an english muffic w/ my faux peanut butter.
After my run, I had a nonfat latte from Peet's and then went into Diane's Bathing Suit shop for some further inspiration. Everything they have in there is SO cute. I can't wait to wear it. My goal is a size 12 at this point. The salesgirl seems to love when I told her I was "shopping for inspiration" ... I didn't even want to walk in... but it wasn't as bad as I thought.
I may not lose tomorrow... but I had a great week even though I struggled w/ both keeping the eating under control (in my fave bar establishments), and with motivating to exercise.
I feel fantastic. I am doing everything for me at this moment and that is precisely what I need to be doing.
Have you heard the Wicked soundtrack?? Apparently this is my new almost-end-of-run musical accompaniment. Loathing is the perfect happy music on the perfect pace. I just freaking luv it! It is a little pick-me-up. While the lyrics are super sarcastic- the music is super happy- and it is the perfect blend to start that jog again when you are starting to slow on the walk pace.
"What is this feeling?
Fervid as a flame-
Fervid as a flame-
does it have a name?
Yes!...
Loathing!
Unadulterated loathing…
Let’s just say – I loathe it all!
Ev’ry little trait, however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There’s a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It’s so pure - so strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing
Loathing you my whole life long!
These things are sent to try us!..."
Yes!...
Loathing!
Unadulterated loathing…
Let’s just say – I loathe it all!
Ev’ry little trait, however small
Makes my very flesh begin to crawl
With simple utter loathing
There’s a strange exhilaration
In such total detestation
It’s so pure - so strong!
Though I do admit it came on fast
Still I do believe that it can last
And I will be loathing
Loathing you my whole life long!
These things are sent to try us!..."
So, I went running(/walking) for an hour this a.m. -- in the grey dreary weather. But it was freakin fantastic! (see route below) I am about to deal w/ my free weights next.
I had a lovely breakfast before that of a cup of blackberries and an english muffic w/ my faux peanut butter.
After my run, I had a nonfat latte from Peet's and then went into Diane's Bathing Suit shop for some further inspiration. Everything they have in there is SO cute. I can't wait to wear it. My goal is a size 12 at this point. The salesgirl seems to love when I told her I was "shopping for inspiration" ... I didn't even want to walk in... but it wasn't as bad as I thought.
I may not lose tomorrow... but I had a great week even though I struggled w/ both keeping the eating under control (in my fave bar establishments), and with motivating to exercise.
I feel fantastic. I am doing everything for me at this moment and that is precisely what I need to be doing.
1.03.2008
motivation
Cant'. Seem. To. Motivate.
I have my eating back under control... but I don't want to go outside- it's yucky out there.
Plus, I have not mentioned here yet, but I busted my knee on one of my runs- it is really starting to aggravate me. It's the perfect excuse not to run...
This too shall pass.
I have my eating back under control... but I don't want to go outside- it's yucky out there.
Plus, I have not mentioned here yet, but I busted my knee on one of my runs- it is really starting to aggravate me. It's the perfect excuse not to run...
This too shall pass.
1.02.2008
This Year... 2008
My 2008... plan... so far...
Athletic events ... weddings... and misc. events/achievements that I look forward to dropping the pounds for!
Jan:
(1st 10% lost)
~ Go do an annual physical
Feb:
02.14: Valentine's Day
02.16: Dusty & Christi's Wedding Reception
02.23: Los Al 'Race on the Base' 5k (compare my time now to '06)
Mar:
03.01: (wknd of) Texas Trip!
??.??: Amy's Bachelorette Wine-Tasting/Spa Trip (Ojai)
Apr:
(2nd 10% lost)
~ Bridesmaid dress arrives
May:
05.09: 'Last Chance' bridesmaid dress fitting
05.25: Amy & Will's Wedding
~ LB Half Marathon Official Training Begins
Jun:
(3rd 10% lost)
~ Bathing Suit Season Begins
Jul:
Aug:
(4th 10% lost- leaving the 200's behind & breaking into the 100's)
~ Shopping for "B-day Outfit"
08.30: USC Football Season Begins
Sep:
09.01: 29th Birthday
09.13: (?) Nike Run Hit Remix 5miler or 5k
09.21: (wknd of) Erick & Lori's Wedding (Central Coast Trip)
Oct:
(5th 10% lost)
10.12: Long Beach Half Marathon (13.1 miles)
10.31: Halloween- actually being able to wear a costume!
Nov:
11.01: USC Homecoming (Return to campus in my dream tiny Trojan attire)
11.15: My Weight Watchers "Re-Commitment" One-Year Anniversary
Dec:
(6th 10% lost & GOAL)
12.06: (or 12.13) Venice/Santa Monica Xmas Fun Run 5k- compare my time w/ '07!
12.31: Go HUGE for New Year's!!! In a tiny, sparkly, little black dress!
Jan 09:
~ There are still quite a few weeks of WW "Maintenance" I gotta get thru before I become a "Lifetime" member
~ Annual Physical (compare stats)
~ Contiki Winter Wanderer Tour (= reward)
~ Have all old bridesmaid dresses altered into fun, re-wearable, hot, little dresses for me! (and somehow shadow box all the old, cut, scrap, material so I never forget)
~ Shop all the sales for a new wardrobe!
Athletic events ... weddings... and misc. events/achievements that I look forward to dropping the pounds for!
Jan:
(1st 10% lost)
~ Go do an annual physical
Feb:
02.14: Valentine's Day
02.16: Dusty & Christi's Wedding Reception
02.23: Los Al 'Race on the Base' 5k (compare my time now to '06)
Mar:
03.01: (wknd of) Texas Trip!
??.??: Amy's Bachelorette Wine-Tasting/Spa Trip (Ojai)
Apr:
(2nd 10% lost)
~ Bridesmaid dress arrives
May:
05.09: 'Last Chance' bridesmaid dress fitting
05.25: Amy & Will's Wedding
~ LB Half Marathon Official Training Begins
Jun:
(3rd 10% lost)
~ Bathing Suit Season Begins
Jul:
Aug:
(4th 10% lost- leaving the 200's behind & breaking into the 100's)
~ Shopping for "B-day Outfit"
08.30: USC Football Season Begins
Sep:
09.01: 29th Birthday
09.13: (?) Nike Run Hit Remix 5miler or 5k
09.21: (wknd of) Erick & Lori's Wedding (Central Coast Trip)
Oct:
(5th 10% lost)
10.12: Long Beach Half Marathon (13.1 miles)
10.31: Halloween- actually being able to wear a costume!
Nov:
11.01: USC Homecoming (Return to campus in my dream tiny Trojan attire)
11.15: My Weight Watchers "Re-Commitment" One-Year Anniversary
Dec:
(6th 10% lost & GOAL)
12.06: (or 12.13) Venice/Santa Monica Xmas Fun Run 5k- compare my time w/ '07!
12.31: Go HUGE for New Year's!!! In a tiny, sparkly, little black dress!
Jan 09:
~ There are still quite a few weeks of WW "Maintenance" I gotta get thru before I become a "Lifetime" member
~ Annual Physical (compare stats)
~ Contiki Winter Wanderer Tour (= reward)
~ Have all old bridesmaid dresses altered into fun, re-wearable, hot, little dresses for me! (and somehow shadow box all the old, cut, scrap, material so I never forget)
~ Shop all the sales for a new wardrobe!
1.01.2008
Team Jillian
I'm so tired... and a little "day-drinking" Sharkeez hung over... but so worth it- Fight On Trojans.
(Michelle & I showing off our SC face tattoos- yes, I apparently thought I was still 19.)
So, right now, I want to go for an extra walk/run right now but I just can't motivate to get out the door. I went this morning, and last night ... but I'm dragging on going again...Tomorrow...
Today, I ate a bunch of crap. (Which is why I made sure to get 1 run in this a.m.)
It wasn't really the alcohol that was a problem today-- which is what I thought it would be...
The bar food mounted up quickly on me.
All I can do is make time for extra workouts. But I had so much fun today- it was worth it! I'm ok with it. Well- I may not feel that way after weigh-in on Saturday- but today- I feel it was worth it.
And I figure, really, as long as I work-in the extra work-outs- I think it will be ok. I will have to push myself physically. I pulled my free weights out yesterday. I'm adding another layer... hopefully it'll do the trick.
AND-- most exciting- a new season of The Biggest Loser is premiering as I type! I'm so happy- and I can't wait for more "Team Jillian" inspiration!!!
Hmm- I wonder if I can make a shirt that says that...
(Michelle & I showing off our SC face tattoos- yes, I apparently thought I was still 19.)So, right now, I want to go for an extra walk/run right now but I just can't motivate to get out the door. I went this morning, and last night ... but I'm dragging on going again...Tomorrow...
Today, I ate a bunch of crap. (Which is why I made sure to get 1 run in this a.m.)
It wasn't really the alcohol that was a problem today-- which is what I thought it would be...
The bar food mounted up quickly on me.
All I can do is make time for extra workouts. But I had so much fun today- it was worth it! I'm ok with it. Well- I may not feel that way after weigh-in on Saturday- but today- I feel it was worth it.
And I figure, really, as long as I work-in the extra work-outs- I think it will be ok. I will have to push myself physically. I pulled my free weights out yesterday. I'm adding another layer... hopefully it'll do the trick.
AND-- most exciting- a new season of The Biggest Loser is premiering as I type! I'm so happy- and I can't wait for more "Team Jillian" inspiration!!!
Hmm- I wonder if I can make a shirt that says that...
12.31.2007
running away
I am working on replacing the urge to eat, with the urge to run-- with my ipod CRANKED.
I think it's gonna work out swell. :)
I think it's gonna work out swell. :)
out of the fog-- it's only monday...
Alright- I have come out of the food coma fog I was in last night. I calculated all the "points" I ate, and then I calculated how much exercise I need to do to today to make up for it.
I have used my weekly points. That's ok. I wanted to save them for New Years Day to watch SC football at Sharkeez. But I have calculated how much exercise I need to do tomorrow a.m. to allow for the drinking tomorrow. And that too, is ok.
I have looked at everything, and know what I need to do. I have a plan in front of me to still lose this week despite one day of crappy eating. I am bringing food for myself tonight to the bbq so that I can stay on track. Because I've evaluated my priorities- and I don't care about drinking tonight. I want to drink tomorrow. So tonight, I am GOING to stay on plan and stick to my points and tomorrow, after lots of exercise, I will be able to enjoy myself for the Rose Bowl.. when I do care.
I am done wallowing in one night's failures- and moving on full force- with exercise- to combat the fat, and the sugar, and the cravings for both.
Additionally, I realize, what I used to consume on a regular basis- with no exercise- without any thought- and I see-- clearly-- the path behind me that has led me here.
In the past, setbacks have killed the dream. In the past, more food would soothe the failure. More alcohol would help me not care and help me pretend that all I really want is a party- at any size, and any cost.
But that's not true. I'm done. I've hit my wall with being fat. And one setback is not going to kill my week for me. I am not going to gain on my first weigh-in in 2008. And I'm going to work my ass of this week to make sure of it. It's only Monday.
I have used my weekly points. That's ok. I wanted to save them for New Years Day to watch SC football at Sharkeez. But I have calculated how much exercise I need to do tomorrow a.m. to allow for the drinking tomorrow. And that too, is ok.
I have looked at everything, and know what I need to do. I have a plan in front of me to still lose this week despite one day of crappy eating. I am bringing food for myself tonight to the bbq so that I can stay on track. Because I've evaluated my priorities- and I don't care about drinking tonight. I want to drink tomorrow. So tonight, I am GOING to stay on plan and stick to my points and tomorrow, after lots of exercise, I will be able to enjoy myself for the Rose Bowl.. when I do care.
I am done wallowing in one night's failures- and moving on full force- with exercise- to combat the fat, and the sugar, and the cravings for both.
Additionally, I realize, what I used to consume on a regular basis- with no exercise- without any thought- and I see-- clearly-- the path behind me that has led me here.
In the past, setbacks have killed the dream. In the past, more food would soothe the failure. More alcohol would help me not care and help me pretend that all I really want is a party- at any size, and any cost.
But that's not true. I'm done. I've hit my wall with being fat. And one setback is not going to kill my week for me. I am not going to gain on my first weigh-in in 2008. And I'm going to work my ass of this week to make sure of it. It's only Monday.
Soon, I will believe I'm worth it.
PREFACE:
I need to preface this post because I almost decided not to publish it. It's real. And honest. Not to say the rest of my thoughts so far haven't been honest, but this is different.
I almost didn't publish, because no one really needs to know how my mind backfires on me sometimes. It's personal and no one is entitled to it. But I thought again, and decided, it needs to be included, because it is a critical part of the process I am undertaking. And I'm not going to edit myself.
So before you read, you should know that I'm just fine and actually had a great night tonight! SO great a night, in fact, that it held up a great big, giant magnifying glass for me about the not-so-great stuff. And that is what is contained below...
____________________________________________________________
Emotional eating continues to be a struggle. Tonight I faced "fifth-wheel-dom" and being flaked on by a guy I should know better about by now.
I let feeling like an incomplete unit drive me to massive onions rings.*
I let the flakiness drive me to real ice cream.
I am full. Super full. And I feel guilty for eating crap when I know I didn't really want it.
I am irritated and ashamed that food has such power over me that it really does serve as a cure-all in my life. It's literally my drug of choice. I swear I've developed some brain hard-wiring that needs to be undone. The calm that I feel after even just the slightest binge of shoving even just a single fistful of food in my mouth, is akin to a hit for me.
THIS is what my struggle is all about. And it has finally hit me over the head and shown itself.
I know what to eat. I know how to exercise. I have ALL the means available to me to do this correctly and lose the weight. But I keep holding onto it because it is my excuse.
For anything that doesn't go the way I want, if I don't have the weight to blame, all that will be left, is me. I will be the reason I don't have what I want most. And I'm not prepared to live that. My defense mechanisms are too strong to let that happen. I don't believe I'm worth it. At the core. I am constantly struggling to be "worth it" to someone else... especially because I am just beginning to learn how to be "worth it" to myself.
I don't let anyone get too close- I don't want anyone to get too close- because I can't stand the potential loss. I can't bear the thought of someone walking away- of me not being worth the energy of someone sticking around to find out what I'm all about. Because that's all my subconscious knows ... on so many levels. So meanwhile, at the very bottom of my soul, where the truth sits, buried, I don't actually believe I'm worth it.
And I'm going to need that belief to change, in order to succeed at this. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that yet.
And still- a silver lining remains. I only ate one bowl of the ice cream- not the entire gallon carton of it. So something must be starting to click...
* And for those of you who didn't want to hear about the onion rings in this blog ;-) (you know who you are) ... just know I am perfectly capable of not eating them all on my own. You are not an "influence" of any sort. Because if it hadn't been that, it would've been something else just as diet-detrimental all on my own. And all by myself.
12.29.2007
keepin it goin
I am down this lovely holiday week by 0.6lbs. I hit at total of 15.4lbs GONE! I am fully PAST my 5% goal and well on my way to 10%. I will not see these numbers ever again. This is basically an average of about 5lbs/month. I would ideally like to increase that number significantly, but I am definitely happy with it at the moment.
The Weight Watchers meeting was funny today. There were random side conversations about staying 'regular' as well as wedding planning/attendance commiseration. I also ran into a girl I went to high school with. All in all, the meeting was total trip. Hilarious hour of my life.
But, it was also a great inspiration to keep going. It gave me the notion that I really need to reflect a little bit more on 2007 so that I can make 2008 exactly what I want it to be.
The Weight Watchers meeting was funny today. There were random side conversations about staying 'regular' as well as wedding planning/attendance commiseration. I also ran into a girl I went to high school with. All in all, the meeting was total trip. Hilarious hour of my life.
But, it was also a great inspiration to keep going. It gave me the notion that I really need to reflect a little bit more on 2007 so that I can make 2008 exactly what I want it to be.
12.27.2007
dreadful anticipation
I've definitely done some stress eating in the last 2 days. But I've still tracked it all.
I haven't run in the last 2 days but I'm getting up bright and early to run tomorrow.
I haven't gotten all my water in, but I am downing some now.
Pinkberry might be my new indulgence, but I can buy Golden Spoon by the quart for significantly less.
I said no to hiking on Saturday, but I'm still going to weigh-in at my meeting faithfully.
I doubt this week's progress, but I know I've never been more committed to the whole process.
When I trained for the marathon, I used to repeat "Your body will forgive you; your mind never will." It tricks you into putting one foot in front of the other to forge ahead. Because you know if you did 20-some miles and gave up just before the finish line, it would be extremely difficult to forgive yourself the defeat. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm at the beginning- not the end. And it's hard to remember the start. I remember 8 miles for the first time hurt like a bitch. We ran out from the Marina along the Culver Blvd bike path, to culver city, and back. It sucked. Maybe I'd gotten new shoes or something for that run. And I remember, 10 miles was easy breezy. It was misty out- good running weather. I'd been cocky about that 8miler- not worried in the least- and got out there and felt it. But since I'd been knocked down by 8, I was humbled standing in front of 10, and it made all the difference.
I'm starting to get confident in my efforts, b/c I haven't been knocked down yet. It'll come. It might be this week. I think this writing is helping to keep me grounded in my efforts though.
I still must measure every tablespoon of my beloved "Better N Peanut Butter" (seriously the greatest stuff ever!) & my fat-free half&half. I'm starting to think I can eyeball it- but I can't.
I went to lunch today w/ an old friend- and I realized how the ordering out is getting easier. It all came naturally...
Fat free dressing on the side please
Half the cheese you normally put in please
Just water, thanks
No, you can have the last pita slice
Its amazing that I measured out 2 tablespoons of hummus on my plate, and that is all I needed.
I'm never sure how the week has gone. Especially after weighing myself every day and seeing the daily fluctuation... I never know what to expect come Saturday morning. This week of holiday & stress eating will be a true eye opener to how much I've managed to ingrain the new habits in me. Is it sick that I sort of actually look forward to the Saturday weigh-in moment? I dread it and strangely anticipate it now.
I haven't run in the last 2 days but I'm getting up bright and early to run tomorrow.
I haven't gotten all my water in, but I am downing some now.
Pinkberry might be my new indulgence, but I can buy Golden Spoon by the quart for significantly less.
I said no to hiking on Saturday, but I'm still going to weigh-in at my meeting faithfully.
I doubt this week's progress, but I know I've never been more committed to the whole process.
When I trained for the marathon, I used to repeat "Your body will forgive you; your mind never will." It tricks you into putting one foot in front of the other to forge ahead. Because you know if you did 20-some miles and gave up just before the finish line, it would be extremely difficult to forgive yourself the defeat. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm at the beginning- not the end. And it's hard to remember the start. I remember 8 miles for the first time hurt like a bitch. We ran out from the Marina along the Culver Blvd bike path, to culver city, and back. It sucked. Maybe I'd gotten new shoes or something for that run. And I remember, 10 miles was easy breezy. It was misty out- good running weather. I'd been cocky about that 8miler- not worried in the least- and got out there and felt it. But since I'd been knocked down by 8, I was humbled standing in front of 10, and it made all the difference.
I'm starting to get confident in my efforts, b/c I haven't been knocked down yet. It'll come. It might be this week. I think this writing is helping to keep me grounded in my efforts though.
I still must measure every tablespoon of my beloved "Better N Peanut Butter" (seriously the greatest stuff ever!) & my fat-free half&half. I'm starting to think I can eyeball it- but I can't.
I went to lunch today w/ an old friend- and I realized how the ordering out is getting easier. It all came naturally...
Fat free dressing on the side please
Half the cheese you normally put in please
Just water, thanks
No, you can have the last pita slice
Its amazing that I measured out 2 tablespoons of hummus on my plate, and that is all I needed.
I'm never sure how the week has gone. Especially after weighing myself every day and seeing the daily fluctuation... I never know what to expect come Saturday morning. This week of holiday & stress eating will be a true eye opener to how much I've managed to ingrain the new habits in me. Is it sick that I sort of actually look forward to the Saturday weigh-in moment? I dread it and strangely anticipate it now.
12.25.2007
Shut Up & Dance
I managed to get in a 3 mile jog- which took me about an hour b/c I was slow. My route is below...
It felt so freakin great to be outside in the sunshine sweating. Who knew?
Also- I'm officially a child of the '80's- I listened to Paula Abdul - Shut Up and Dance- and George Michaels- along w/ some Britney thrown in for good meansure. How lame am I? ;)
It felt so freakin great to be outside in the sunshine sweating. Who knew?
Also- I'm officially a child of the '80's- I listened to Paula Abdul - Shut Up and Dance- and George Michaels- along w/ some Britney thrown in for good meansure. How lame am I? ;)
happy whatever... i mean, happy holidays
This managing of the holiday eating is a tough business. I am upping the exercise to account for it and help burn the sugar. I am encountering food "pushing" and I mean, how can you turn down Grandma's cranberry bread baked especially for you? I certainly can't. At least not summarily. I am having to pick and choose and it is tough to decide to talk openly about it or to feign illness or something.
I am confident that with enough exercise, I will not gain this week. But I'm not so sure about a loss...
I went for a run in my new (well, "newish") neighborhood today. I like to be outside to exercise, I have learned. I went for about 45minutes- running 5minutes and walking 5minutes. And I was even able to do some real estate recon work while I was out. My goal right now is to increase the solid running time from 5minutes to 10minutes. And eventually work up to the point where I can continuously run for 30minutes, and then, an hour. Judging by today I can tell you that's going to take a long while... but I'm ready to tackle it.
I am confident that with enough exercise, I will not gain this week. But I'm not so sure about a loss...
I went for a run in my new (well, "newish") neighborhood today. I like to be outside to exercise, I have learned. I went for about 45minutes- running 5minutes and walking 5minutes. And I was even able to do some real estate recon work while I was out. My goal right now is to increase the solid running time from 5minutes to 10minutes. And eventually work up to the point where I can continuously run for 30minutes, and then, an hour. Judging by today I can tell you that's going to take a long while... but I'm ready to tackle it.
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