I have about 4 drafts of posts I've written over the last couple months. I couldn't click "publish post." I think this is mainly b/c it was extensively "stream of consciousness" writing-- though that's never stopped me before... So maybe I don't really know why I didn't publish them. Maybe I just wasn't ready.
In any case-- people have been asking about the blog and where I am at with it all. The answer to that is that I've gotten everywhere- and nowhere- all at once.
I am at a standstill on any actual concrete losses. I've fluctuated in my weight watcher attendance, and in my weight. But mentally, I've shifted.
I feel desperation settling in the pit of my overly large stomach.
Back in Nov. '06 when I started this blog and was actually pretty successful at taking some of the weight off... I was desperate then too. It's a feeling unlike anything I can truly describe. It's the knowing, with absolute certainty, that if something is not done NOW, I might die, soon. And I will definitely be miserable leading up to that day. It's the feeling of not being good enough. And it feels disgusting. Because in the end, this life or death feeling can be conquered. It doesn't have to be that. It's not an uncontrollable illness (at least not in the traditional sense). And it should be something that can be conquered. It should be.
That anxiousness is starting to take hold again. The urgency. The self-disgust that propels into action instead of paralyzing into stillness. I will not be sedentary. I refuse.
I've hired a trainer. So what?
I'm following Weight Watchers. And?
It doesn't seem like any of the proactive steps I've taken are helping. And I think it's because I'm just going through the motions.
I need to be working out 2-4 hours/day. 2 in the a.m. and 2 at night.
I need to not just be watching "points" but food's nutritional value and timing and metabolism.
I need to be doing MORE.
I am not doing enough to effect change. I'm going to have to become a hermit again for a little while. That's the only way I know how to do this successfully. I cannot be in control of this and be social. I cannot meet you for dinner, or lunch. I cannot set foot in a bar. I do not know how to be a normal person AND succeed at this at the same time.
I tossed out old and crappy food & will soon be visiting Trader Joe's to stock up on healthiness.
I will be at the gym at 6am tomorrow. I'm back to going public w/ my quest because lord knows I can only use more accountability. I hate it, but I need it.
Starting again. Ugh. I've done it a million times. I still refuse to give up.
I feel determined. I may even apply to the Biggest Loser show. Really, I just might. Because I don't want to have surgery. I don't want the lapband, nor gastric bypass, nor do I think I'm going to be able to do this thru any "normal" means anymore.
I'm going to have to do something CRAZY! And I'm going to do it-- I just haven't figured out what "it" is yet...
