It's the little things

Yesterday, I made "gourmet" poached eggs on toast. And, I made "fancy" "homemade" ice tea. Today, I made nonfat cranberry orange muffins so that I can truly kick my Starbucks addiction & walk out the door w/ something in-hand in a pinch. Despite the fact that I'm trying to incorporate more protein into every meal... baby steps.

MORE importantly, I went back to my trainer today! I love her! She somehow makes me work harder and be more committed and I don't know HOW she does it, but she does.

And even more important than that, I made some solid career decisions today and I am just SO happy to feel like I have the right path in front of me finally.

Finally, adding just a bit more joy, I found my favorite headphones that were missing for, quite, awhile.

It's the little things... that all add up to the big things.

And I stepped on the scale

I went back into Weight Watchers today and I stepped on the scale. It was not bad. I was somehow magically down.

So, I'm on track. And I think I've finally noticed that I have a pattern of taking steps forward and then halting. I stagnate. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Success? Fear of success? Fear of failure? Aversion to commitment to something? Anything? That part I haven't figured out. This is not just a problem with weightloss. In fact, I think it's just presenting itself in this form.  Maybe I'll be able to conquer it through the miles.

Has anyone else seen Janet Jackson doing a Nutrisystem commercial? It's upsetting in SO many ways.

I cleaned out my fridge and came up with a recipe plan out of what I have left in my fridge, freezer & cupboards. This is becoming quite possibly my favorite thing to do -- figuring out something to make out of what I have randomly on hand. It's like a puzzle. I'll admit, when I fail, I call my mom and list off ingredients to her and she can usually come up with something amazing.

I'm both nervous and excited about the half. It's good to have a serious goal in front of me again.

A luxury A dream

Oh Biggest Loser finale - how I heart thee!

I was kind of hating on that new theme song (because change is hard) until I discovered it's by Train! <3

And, I was tagged in some pix from last March that I'd never seen before:

And I was in Vegas - and I found the gym inside Mandalay Bay. Literally, I was in Vegas - and I went to the gym! I was really happy with the clothes I was wearing and how I felt in general. And I was still big even then, but better than now.

So, yesterday, I wore a top on Christmas that I'd purchased this past summer (I think from Ann Taylor) that is a little bit tight again. And I got lots of compliments - that rang hollow to me.

And I realize that the half marathon is like, soon.

In July, I told my trainer, "This is my set point. This is my lowest adult weight that I've never been able to break through." And I gave up because I didn't believe. Well, I had some minor health issues set me back, and then I used that as an excuse, to give up, entirely.  And I haven't really gained much back. Really. Which is amazing to me. Because I feel FAT. But the scale's numbers are telling me: "It's not that bad..." You didn't eff it up TOO much.

So, the point is - I know I can do it. After all the excel spreadsheets of potential weight-loss, and crazy schedules of how and when to fit the workouts in, and endless healthy recipe collections, I know it is not about any of that. I mean, those things are helpful, in a way. But detrimental in others.

Mostly, I just need to decide, and CONTINUE TO BELIEVE, that I am WORTH IT! Then I need to keep working at it - no matter what.

I am going to apply to Biggest Loser Season 14. I auditioned once before and made it into local papers. And I said I'd give up that dream after I heard Jillian was leaving. But I was scared and guarded. I put down a friend's wedding as a taping conflict. I could've missed that wedding, really. And there are parts of the application where you talk about what you wouldn't want on tv... and there are some things that I think would come out of me, that I don't really want on tv.   But there was a girl, who dealt with her parents and the blame of the death of one of her siblings, and after that season, I thought: if she can put that on tv, whatever the cost of loss of privacy, is worth the benefits of being on that Ranch and being able to focus your entire being to this single cause. That is a luxury. It's a dream. It's work and pain that I can't even begin to imagine but I know it'd be worth it now -- at almost any cost. Because it's your life in the end. They give you back your life. And yes, you earn it... blah blah. But really, they hold your life out to you on a silver platter and all you have to do is reach out, and hold it. If you're strong enough.

I can't wait for the new season to start on 1/3!

Oh and if that doesn't work out - because who can bank on that really - I've still got a trip to Cabo coming up on 7/5 and I WILL be wearing this amazing bathing suit I found recently! I've hung pictures of it up in my office, on my fridge, and on my bathroom mirror. It is my current mass motivation!

the damage wasn't too bad

On Sunday -- I thought -- 

Annual Chrismukkah was today. "On a Stick" party was yesterday. I've been cooking and baking TONS o stuff! And I can't figure out if this means I'm eating less or more. I think less... but of not-so-good-for-you items.


I've had a GREAT weekend and yet I feel extremely unsettled as this Sunday evening comes to a close.


I can't quite pinpoint the source of this feeling...


I feel like I took control this year. I lost a bunch of weight from Jan/Feb up until July, and then it all went to hell and I've sort of gained it back. And so I feel like, what was the point? What was the point of all that work? All that sweat? All that pain? And putting it back on from August until now happened with minimal notice.


I made a choice - a few choices - a few really bad, and then a few really good choices, that landed me here again.


The running will make me sane again. It always does. Ready to crank on the mileage tomorrow! Bring it.

And now  -- 


A plan is in motion. Personal training returns. Running returns. Rowing will begin. I've been eating the protein packages from starbucks, and going to subway more often. I think with all the holiday sweets around, I've been craving health and protein over sugar and sweet.


I have a half marathon training calendar in place that I am pretty amp'd about. And I google'd myself and found some fun (funny?) shots from the last half I did which was the LB Half back in '09. If I recall, I'd been obsessed with my 30th birthday and did this race about a month after it'd hit. I fall into these ruts and like to shake things up for myself by running, apparently.


My dad and I had a little heart-to-heart at our Chanukah celebration this evening (where I made the standard latkes and a non-dairy version of a noodle kugle for my mom which turned out surprisingly well) and I really am a significantly happier person when I am working out in general and, for myself and my own happiness-- I must continue to learn how to make this a priority in my life. I looked back through my photos of the year and I really was happier from say, March to July 30th. I have a marker. Brooke's wedding on July 30th is the last pic I have where I feel comfortable and happy with where I was at.  Things changed in my life after that. Big things that don't belong here. And I still haven't learned how to deal with LIFE without using food to cope. But at least this time the derailment only lasted a few months, and the damage wasn't too bad, all in all. 


Now if I could just keep making good choices ...

for the moment

Just a few miscellaneous thoughts I had today ...

-- I really am addicted to Starbucks.

-- But also - more secretly - 7-11 - and that's a ritual ingrained from earliest childhood years that will probably get it's own post in coming weeks

-- Being honest is extremely powerful -- with parents, friends, dates, former lovers, etc.
Mostly this involves saying no. No, I do not agree with you. No, I will not live my life your way. No, I will not go out with you again. No, you cannot come over. 

-- Must Run Must Run Must Run ... where is my running watch??

-- God I love The Biggest Loser marathon episode. And HOW could the producers let them run in a sand storm?

-- I'm having a bit of a career crisis lately. I made some critical decisions in that area as well.

-- Did pretty well with food and got a sprinting run in with Teddy. (He's pretty darn fast!)

All in all, a strangely emotional, yet, calm-inspiring day.


Success for the moment I'd say.

the thing

Here's the thing about trying to save money (which is a task I am undertaking at the moment):  it sort of lends itself to healthy eating, almost accidentally ...

This is mainly because I have been trying to stay in and cook instead of go out to eat. Of which, I do a lot. No, I mean, like, I actively try not to set foot in my kitchen, do a lot of eating out. I became slightly hyper aware of this fact when a friend of mine told me I'm one of the few people she eats out with. And I realized it may be a requirement of mine to be my friend - that you eat out with me.  And I have been mildly aware of this problem for a bit now. Another item to work on...

But anyhow, I've gotten back into making coffee at home with my (purchased by-myself-for-myself) french press - in efforts to kick my (seriously problematic) Starbucks addiction. The personal ownership of my french press is very important to me and a newly conquered thing this year. I gave away my last (amazing!) french press as it was given to me by someone who needs to hold zero space in my life now. And I'd had that darn french press since probably '03 or '04, and I loved it. But it had to go. And now I am so happy every time I use the one I bought for myself this summer. It is amazing how small rituals matter so much.  And as for Starbucks, well, I'm still addicted, but easing off the crack ever so slowly. I get headaches just thinking about giving it up.

I've also been trying to use up just whatever happens to be in my kitchen cupboards / fridge, and tonight I made this amazing chicken chilli, mixed with whole wheat pasta, and threw in some green beans for color and it, surprisingly, turned out really well.  And I have leftovers! I never do leftovers, but I am learning to incorporate this concept into my life.  I am always surprised when I throw something together and it turns out well. I can follow a recipe pretty well. Cooking improvisation is not my strong-suit -- but I'm really getting better at it and kind of proud of myself for it.  The day could come when I'll think - oh - box of brownie mix - you're all I have left in my cupboards and I better make you because I'm trying to be thrifty -- as well as healthy -- and I'll just have 1 every other day or so (because I think that's healthy) but I'm pretty sure I wrote another blog post in the past about making the brownie mix up, sans eggs, and eating that alone. So, les-be-honest -- this "use up the stuff in your cupboards" plan will only take me so far. But for now, it's working.

The somewhat ironic thing to me is that, I've spent so much on "weightloss" in the past... memberships to gyms or weight watchers, etc, and training, special shakes, or various doctors and medications.
There is even HCG in my fridge right now (that I'm not taking and paranoid about, and what a wasted purchase that was because I am afraid to take it but I think it might actually help so why don't I just call my dr. and get over it, but still, I don't). I mean - it's really a profitable industry and yet...

... all it really takes is some wholesome food, and sweat.

I am always surprised

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

And while I knew that was probably going to happen, and even though people actually make requests for more updates, I am always surprised when someone tells me this. Always. I don't think anyone's paying attention. "Paying attention" is a funny phrase; a lesson in value with some simple verb conjugation. And each time someone tells me he or she is reading, or someone makes a comment, I see a little bit of myself through their eyes.  And I'm always prompted to go back and re-read. Sometimes I reread just a post or two. Sometimes I reread specific posts that stand out to me. But sometimes, like today, I reread as much as I can stand.  And then I wondered, do people read a post or two, or read on occasion, on a whim? Have they followed the story along this whole time since I started in 2007? Or even since 2005 back when I had "the marathon" blog? And I wondered today what the story looks like as a whole, at this exact moment, if I were to read it "cover to cover" as it stands now.  Because I could do that with the marathon blog. It has a start, a middle, and an end. And I really love each section of that blog... I think because I was actually chronicling a serious achievement, and chronicling something I had never done before. I thought, when I started this, it would be a way to do it again... to chronicle "my great weightloss achievement!'  

[Sidenote: I just tried accessing the marathon blog for the 1st time in ages and it's gone! :( I think I printed it once in fear of this day but if anyone knows how I can save it from stupid Friendster, suggestions and tips, MUCH appreciated ... it used to be at: http://dreambig.blogs.friendster.com/my_marathon_blog/]

But there is no great achievement here. And everything here I have done, repeatedly, for many years.  It seems, there is nothing new to say.

I am fat - I emotionally overeat - I am great at a finite time period of concentrated effort of nutrition & exercise, usually brought on by some sort of emotional blow - then I fall off the wagon - and repeat. It's like Groundhog's Day. 

I heard Danielle Berrin speak today - about many things - but most notable to me was the notion that in trying to escape by immersing yourself in some creative process, you are actually brought face to face with what it is you are trying to escape in an even deeper and more meaningful way. She was tying this to the notion that Jews in Hollywood are now interested in rewriting the ending to events... and what does this mean? And it went further to connect the hotbed of demand for the creative talent pool in Israel, and how with less budget comes better storytelling as a craft, and that is further connected (not by Ms Berrin, but just in my mind) with Israel as a start-up nation... and I have so many business places to take that and have digressed pretty far off my point here. But the point - is - that in escaping, we are actually conquering.

And so I reread, and reread, and reread, and felt sick about the fact that I haven't yet succeeded at this. And not even that I haven't succeeded, but that I haven't seemed to internalize any of the lessons that I "discover" here. But I have.

I turned the corner when I realized that I'm just not done yet. And maybe it's naive to think there is an endpoint as well. Here, I am just trying to escape the pain of living inside of this body (that I am thankful is currently healthy). And that in trying to escape, in getting inside the pain that it is to actually undertake this, is what will actually lead me out.

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

Me too. I'm finally paying attention.

I work out

So I'm currently mapping running routes in Long Beach that I'd like to do (suggestions welcome). This was one of my favorite parts of making running a priority so I'm bringin' it back!

And awhile back I bought an amazon local deal of one month unlimited rowing and I am going to start before the weekend is over. I found the class schedule so that's a step in the right direction...  I'm actually really excited about the rowing for 2 reasons: 1) location #1 is walkable from my house and 2) location #2 has a view of the water. So I'm thinking I'm going to really like this. Fingers crossed.

The eating is not entirely under control, however. But vast improvements have been made.

The thing, for me, about this, is that when I'm "in it," I'm great!
I'm hardcore. I work out everyday and eat well and don't do anything else but obsess about doing this well.  But I don't want to do only this right now. I have too many other things going on in my life. And so I'm trying to figure out how not to be "all or nothing" because I've been choosing "nothing" since, oh, August.

I just can't seem to kick this all-or-nothing bad habit of mine.

Come Again

Wow -- the dedication in that last post, lasted about 5 days... if that.

But I always return... to the writing, the dieting, the clear-mindedness. I return to... the struggle with "all-or-nothing," the ocd-that's-not-really-ocd-but-i-wish-it-were-so-i'd-have-SOME-kind-of-exCUSE, the knowledge that even in those statements I can come off as a whiny bitch because really, what's so bad about MY life? Nothing. Truly, nothing. But obviously SOMEthing or else I'd be able to take this damn weight off for good. This is what I return to. Repeatedly. It's like a comfy couch. You know you should get up and go DO something but oh it's SO cozy and easy to sink into the cushions and take a lil' nappers.

But the point is - I have returned - to the place where I am DOING. I signed up for a half marathon the 1st weekend in February and so this means I have to return to long distance training. I really like it. I mean, I like to complain about it. But I really love it. I will never be one of those crazy people who runs marathons every month because I'm addicted to the runner's high-- which is a real thing by the way. But I could maybe get to a place where I do halfs pretty regularly.

I do have a dream to do another full marathon-- but I would only do it if I could finish it in well under 6 hours. Like, 5:30 would be a good target. But I'd have to be at a normal weight, and in great shape to do that. And the thing is - I always tell people - ANYONE can run a marathon - you JUST HAVE to WANT to. And I fully stand behind that. Because I did. I just don't WANT to do another marathon unless I know I can do it in that "reasonable" time-frame.

[Oh and I also gave up drinking for about 4 out of the 6 months I trained for it and I just don't WANT to do that either at this point.]

In any case, I digress. The point is - I have returned - to writing, to dieting (I know, I know, "lifestyle change"), to running, and frankly, to making changes and good decisions (who me?)

Here's the thing about good decisions: they suck. They hurt and they feel bad and sometimes you hurt people's feelings, and sometimes you back yourself into a corner so that your own feelings are trampled on. And for a GenX / GenY cusper who does not comprehend the concept of delayed gratification, "good" decisions seem worthless.

Except they're gold! Don't go selling your jewelry to that late night infomercial scheme just yet though. That is not a good decision - consult your financial advisor - there, my disclaimer.

I'm realizing that good decisions are gold, and they start to add up. There is a multiplier force at play. If you keep making good decisions, even if you fall and make a few bad ones along the way, as long as you continue in your quest of the good ones, the Universe rewards you.

I'm banking on that, right now.

[Expect more blogging... I'm ready to share again... better block me now before you reach the point of annoyance.] ;-)