What's up 2011? :)
I'm ready to bring it - finally.
Personal training starts on Tuesday and I'm spending my Friday night at the gym.
My weight has little to do with food and exercise. It has everything to do with not having an emotional handle on a few issues I won't go into here except to say that I'm done.
I've resolved all outstanding personal issues weighing on me - literally.
I can't being to explain how free I finally feel. They key has been to face everything. To examine. To live with it all. To own it. Owning it, is going to allow me to bring it. A little bit of therapy never hurt anyone.
I want to be able to shop at Anthropologie, and White House Black Market, and Ann Taylor! And I want to buy their clothes - not just their bags & shoes. I want to not be forced into obsession with make-up because I simply can't be interested in the clothes.
I am obsessed with shows like The Biggest Loser and I Used to be Fat. I want to feel pretty and healthy. I want to feel normal. I want to sit in a seat at a movie theater on a date and not have that be the most self-conscious moment of the night.
I want to go on a "tour of jacuzzi's" like I did last summer and wear a normal fun bathing suit from a trendy local boutique - not one that has a skirt attached to hide the fat. I want to be able to take photos with my friends and not hide in the back or think about what angle this shot is coming from and how best to camoflague the fat. I want to stop HIDING.
I want to be normal-- and awesome.
And so it's time. The hard work begins again. This time does somehow feel different. They all have in the past in some way of course. You always think- I can do this. And then you fail anyway because you weren't prepared for the long haul. But I've got the tools in place to not relapse now. And the things that have always set me back in the past - the things embroiled in emotional turmoil - well they're not something I have to stuff down with food anymore.
My knee jerk reactions probably haven't changed yet... but I know better. And it will be ok.
It's going to be like the marathon. I'm going to live thru the pain until I've achieved what I set out to do. I know how. It's time to JUST DO IT.
There will be more updates - more of a chronicle-ing of the training and the process. Maybe shorter. Maybe longer. I'm not sure yet. But I do know that I want proof of what I'm going to go through to do this. It's going to be nuts. But I'm going to do it!
