I survived day 1 of bootcamp this a.m.
I have a smoker hacking cough.
I'm quitting. Even though I kind of want a cigarette even as I type that.
I'm quitting. For good.
I made a smoothie, and coffee. I will eat every 4 hours or so. And I will not make crazy rules for myself. I will just do the best I can.
I joined their weightloss challenge. $20 into the pot. $2 per lb gained. It works like biggest loser - the person w/ the highest % of weight lost wins the pot - or the top 6 ppl do or something like that.
Dude- I am totally going to WIN this shit. Nothing like a little competition to motivate!
I'm going to be sore tomorrow... and there is a "hill" day looming up on signal hill... talk to me then.
1.05.2009
1.04.2009
this time around
Well the time has come to get back on the wagon. I'm about a net 10 lbs down from when I started LAST Thanksgiving... when I started... when I started trying... when I started admitting... when I started caring, or admitting that care... when I started wanting, badly, enough... to take action.
And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.
If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.
The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.
That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.
But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.
It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.
I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.
But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.
The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)
I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.
Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.
I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.
I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...
And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.
If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.
The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.
That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.
But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.
It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.
I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.
But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.
The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)
I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.
Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.
I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.
I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...
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