revealed or not

I wanted to lose 3 lbs this week. I didn't. I lost 1.4lbs. I'm ok with it. I am headed in the right direction again, finally.

I just ate a red velvet cupcake that calorieking.com tells me works out to about 12 points. Oops. I'm just going to have to make a huge lovely salad for dinner tonight, and maybe go for a walk, to help out w/ that.

I have aspirations to get the eating under real control again in the next few weeks and then kick up the exercise. A trainer might be in order - for real. Hehe.

This is a lifelong business and I just can't expect it to magically happen overnight... but at the same time I can't use that as an excuse to fall off the food/exercise wagon.

I'm in overhaul mode -which I do. I get into these modes periodically and determine to reform my life to make it match the picture in my head.

"There's only us- There's only this- Forget regret- or life is yours to miss." ~Rent

I have to get over all the time I've lived as a fat girl. It doesn't mean I must be a fat girl forever. It just seems that way.

I sit in Portfolio Coffee House right now (the provider of the evil red velvet cupcake) but also the provider of this new fave fab green iced tea (seriously- it's SO good) ... and I am listening to "I'm coming up - I want the world to know - Got to let it show"

Every moment has it's purpose, revealed or not.

believing ~ needing ~ not giving up

I went back to Weight Watchers today.

I've had an iced triple grande nonfat latte w/ splenda, and a croissant. That's about 14 points. I used to get about 30-33 points in a day... I'll have to recalculate...

I have TONS of healthy stuff in my house that I plan to make for dinner tonight... I will not eat fast food! I will not I will not I will not.

Also- and this is going to sound ridiculous... but I'm going to be able to exercise more b/c I've found I can actually wear my hair curly and not straighten. I know that seems like a feeble excuse but you just have NO idea how much work it is to straighten my hair. Even if you think you know- you do not. And so having found a way to go curly and not hate it is actually going to improve my work out motivation. I know that seems nuts but it's actually a HUGE deal and I'm so happy about it.

Last March, I'd lost almost 30 lbs and had reached my 10 % weightloss goal. Most of that weight is back so I'll be focusing on my 5% goal first... 14 lbs.

The 1st week back is usually great - I could, in theory lose 5 lbs this week if I'm really good about it. And I plan to be. So, from there out, if I work out AND watch the eating, I can do about 2lbs/week. I'm looking at about 6 weeks here to hit this goal. IF I kick my own ass. Playing this game is dangerous. It sets up expectations. But I'm about 2 months away from a wedding & bachelorette party in Vegas to attend... and about 5months out from my 30th birthday. So god help me, I am DOING this NOW!

The other thing is that I might have to stop drinking, period. I'm not sure I can eliminate this aspect of my life entirely right now. Right now I'm looking at a once/week rule. Counting the points in alcohol just isn't enough. It somehow makes your body hang on to the fat. It makes working out harder. It leads to more smoking which is also awful. So... once/week. That's it.

I'm thinking about a run/walk every morning. And I'm thinking about doing the LB Half Marathon in October. I listen to my body and I hear it laughing at me. I don't know how I ever ran a marathon but I am immensely thankful I did that because it allows my brain to believe that I can do ANYTHING. And I need that right now. I need to hold on to the belief that I can push myself into normal sized clothing. And that marathon is maybe the only thing giving that to me right now.

I took a year off from watching the food & exercise. Ultimately. And so I start again. Like so many other times. I can't even tell you how this time is different. But I won't give up on myself.