prison

Maybe the point is not to do something crazy... maybe the point is to ingrain the little things into everyday life.

Or... I could go to The Biggest Loser Audition on Saturday...

God. I could run a marathon- with the weight....

Imagine what I could do if I could just drop it. Just set it down. Just let it go.

If I could run a marathon ... why can't I seem to do THIS?

It was a public commitment. It was for a cause. It had a finite time limit.

Have I given up? I keep seeing these previews for "more to love" and I think about how reality tv is catching up to reality... (ya ya, i know, but you see my point). I think to myself- I should be on that show... but I don't WANT to be on THAT show.

I want to find love because I'm truly happy with myself. And I'm not- with this weight. So it must wait. And I am putting my whole life on hold. My whole, entire, life. Everything waits.

Someday- someday when I'm thin. Someday when I can wear the clothes I want. Someday when I don't struggle EVERY day to figure how to camouflage the fat, and the prison it represents.

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the one time I started to achieve things I really wanted at the end of high school was when I was taking phen-fen. I remember the outfit I wore on my 17th birthday, exactly. It's the tiniest outfit I've ever owned in my entire life.

I'm very very very close to actually considering surgical options. Almost. I really don't want to. But my 30th birthday is almost exactly one month away and I am miserable because I am already dreading the photos. Already.

And despite the misery over it - I can't seem to effect change. I hold myself in prison. And nothing seems to matter.

I went BACK to weight watchers today. I have a weightloss history on their books dating back to 2002. How different would my life be right now if I'd taken the time to figure this out then?

I had the discipline to do that freaking marathon... somewhere within me I will find the strength to do this... now...