I feel suddenly free

More Biggest Loser viewing... makeover week. My favorite, I must admit. So inspiring to watch these transformations take place.

Things have seemed to be in spiral for me since last Friday. Fantasies have been blown apart. Dreams died. I feel like those are dramatic statements, but also true. Then the holiday hit. But... I know everything happens for a reason and I think I've just created the space in my life to make the changes I've been rolling around in my head.

Some doors were quietly closed on me. And others, I slammed shut myself. There's that saying about how when a door closes, a window opens, or something like that... maybe I believe that, maybe I doubt it. Maybe it's something people tell themselves to feel better when they lose. Or maybe it's just another way to think about change because it reflects the truth of life-- and it's ultimate transitory nature.

Mainly, I feel suddenly free. And instead of it being overwhelming and causing me to derail-- it's creating a sense of calm, determination, will.

I might fail... but that's ok. And that permission, is all I need today.

It must be something about November...

It must be something about November... somehow my motivation appears in this month. It's a couple months post birthday, with some time in front of me before New Year's. These are big markers in my head for many reasons... birthday, and new year's. My last post was in November '09 ... I did a detox that helped me lose weight and made me feel great! I'm currently watching a Biggest Loser marathon from my ever so helpful DVR. Every time I'm re-motivated, I think "this time will be different" -- but even that's the same. The very same, every time.

There are too many things that I've finally admitted to myself that I want - desperately - for my life, that the weight is holding me back from. Even that's wrong. The weight is an excuse. I keep the weight around as something to hold onto, to blame for the things I want, that I don't have.

I know what to do and how to do it and how hard I need to work at it and what to eat and how to work out and I continue to just. not. do. it. I fall into in-action during personal stress. What is ironic to me is that professionally, I do the opposite. Stress in the office? A flurry of action ensues... lead by professional confidence. I lack the confidence to act, personally.

Years of being the best friend of the hot girl all the guys want to date. Years of shopping for clothes in non regular stores. Cute, nice, awful, fat girl stores. Years of not really fitting into seats at movie theaters, or on planes. Years of dressing in layers to camouflage the spare tire around my waist.

And what continues to be amazing to me is that - I've run a marathon. I set down my pride and got dirty and disgusting and showed the fat in order to accomplish this goal. I gave up drinking, smoking. I set a schedule and got the proper amount of sleep almost every single night because I knew I would need it on a long run on the weekend. I gave up almost every single vice I've got (barring things like, carbs, those were still allowed). And I committed to a running schedule that I stuck to religiously, in order to do the miles, and get that medal, and yet, I won't do those things... to have the things I really want-- way more than some medal. WAY more than some medal.

I somehow need to figure out that I don't have to give up a social life, entirely, to also be healthy. Because right now I feel the need to cut everyone and everything off again, so that I can do this. THIS is what I don't know how to do -- balance.

I hate the people that this is effortless for. I hate people who don't have this problem. I feel the need to disassociate. I feel a distinct difference from people when I start getting successful at this. And maybe it's a reaction to me, feeling differently. But it is not in my head-- people are different when I start getting successful at this. And I don't know how to handle that. And it leads me to inaction. That's my gut instinct. But I really do hate you if you've never struggled with your weight. It is, exhausting. And devastating.

But I'm 31 now, and I've accomplished some amazing goals for myself this year. And it's time to do this. There is no tomorrow. Too many people are gone. The crappy, materialistic, inconsequential and selfish reasons for wanting the weight gone, are nothing, compared to the legitimate health reasons this MUST be done TODAY.

I went to the hermosa beach 24 hr fitness on Saturday and my head was not in the game. I mean- at least I went. But I needed an iPod with the zone programmed into it. And I needed for there not to be a million muscle men there... one of which I may or may not have "dated" ... unconfirmed. And I needed to have left my phone in the car so I was not distracted with work.

I need to make time for myself. Say no to the things that I know will be bad news for this goal. And I need to find a way for it to be different this time...