silently speaking volumes

2.5.12: Sunday night...
So the half marathon is complete. I start this post from my iPad, in bed, hurting. My body hates me right now. But it's ok- it will forgive in a few days.

I thought I would feel more, different. More, changed.
I don't FEEL it, but I KNOW I am, regardless.

I forgot how much it actually hurts ( must be similar to childbirth in some way) if you don't train fully.

I am freaking in love with my medal.

There are so many lessons but I think what I didn't expect, what stands out the most to me, is that it was easier doing it with a friend. The pain was less. The miles went by faster. It is easier to dance, sing out loud, and be silly on the course, with a friend by your side. I mean let's face it, the girl hula hooping her hips thru 13 miles wasn't making any friends doing so. Literally, she never stopped hula hooping as she walked (we got video). But I digress. The point is that the work, the pain, is lessened with friends along for the ride. And life is like that too. And I know it's simplistic, but it bears repeating.

2.6.12: Monday...
I think I love the running, and tolerate the pain, because in the end I did this on my own. No one can take it away from me. If I cross that finish line, I own it -- alone. No matter who did, or did not, help me across that finish line, it is mine. And no one can take that away. I had to go back through this paragraph, and change the subject to "I." And, that speaks volumes. I don't even think in terms of myself. I think in terms of "you," or "he" or "she." This is inherently the problem.

I want a big change. I need a big change. I am not in love with my life, and want to be, desperately. I hope I can figure it out through the miles; I don't know how to do this.

2.6.12: Monday night ...
I went back to Weight Watchers tonight, and I'm definitely "up," but I know that is fleeting and that I'll get it back together.  I honestly hated everyone in that meeting. I hated the leader who is exceptionally perky & annoying and talks to us as if we're 8 years old. I hated the couple doing it together. I hated the woman who lost 30lbs. And I especially hated the very calm woman who lost her 10% and got her 10% keychain. That damn keychain has always eluded me. I have always gotten to within 5lbs of my celebrated "10%" weightloss, and then turned around and started packing the lbs. back on. This is continually a problem where I get to the brink of success, and then turn around. It is continually a problem that I have started to despise happy couples because I want so much to be a part of one. It is continually a problem that I see someone doing what I want to do, and it stagnates me. I don't know how to fix this.

I am drowning in jealousy.

What has ultimately come from this most recent 13.1, is a feeling of isolation. I don't want to be a part of the kickball party. I don't feel accomplished enough to hang out with my college friends. And I don't even want to be around my best friends who accept me no matter what, because I am tired of fronting. I am tired of pretending everything is ok. It is not ok. I am not happy. And I don't know how to fix this.

"Your body will forgive you, but your mind never will" ... got me through 26.2 once upon a time. Now I'm trying to figure out how to forgive the past, so that I can create a better future. I don't know how to do this.

2.15.12: Wednesday morning ...
A week and a day. I waited to publish the above rant because I knew it needed to wait, to stew.  And I let my friends in. That helped, mostly. But only a little bit.

I keep thinking about how this was supposed to be a weightloss blog, and has turned into an emotional free-fall.   But at it's core, people who have real weight to lose, have to emotionally free-fall at some point.  You see it happen weekly on the Biggest Loser. That's one of the reasons Jillian was such a huge loss to that show-- not (just) because she's an amazing trainer - but because she can innately tap into that one conversation that forces someone OUT of the emotional free-fall into the dedicated hardwork.  The hard work will not last if that connection hasn't been ironed into someone's deepest core.

I keep thinking about how in 2011, from January to July, I made all those small changes people talk about to add up to a "lifestyle change." I did it right. I really did. I was reaching full success. I had 6 months of SOLID - rock, solid - changes - that led to a happier & healthier me.  But I didn't believe I really deserved it. And in a matter of weeks from July 6th to August 12th, it died. It was gone. And I tried to pretend, for a few months, that I hadn't lost everything. I tried to pretend I hadn't lost my way. I tried to pretend I hadn't made mistakes. I tried to pretend I didn't care about some things. I tried to pretend I did care about others. I tried to pretend I wasn't hurting. I dived into other people hurting. I let people hurt me and didn't even feel it. I didn't feel it then because I was so engrossed in my own internal pain that I couldn't even feel when other people were treating me poorly.  And now it's catching up to me.  The walls are coming down, I'm free falling. It's scary and vulnerable and awful. But it's so good. It's so good.

2.15.12: Wednesday ...
I'm working on my freedom.
Sometimes I hear my voice...
Years go by will I still be waiting to understand

maybe I needed to find the anger

So... we're 2-3 days out from the Surf City Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained enough. Let's be honest, I haven't trained ... nearly ... enough. I don't care. I know, in my gut, that I can and will finish the miles. I also know that I desperately need to do this. I can't wait. I mean, I'm scared. I know it will take a long long time and I know I will hurt. But, I know I need to do this.

My life was affected deeply by some events in early August, and I just haven't been the same since. I have a photo at a friend's wedding, on July 30th, and I know I was crazy happy then. I know that from January to July of last year, I made incredible strides in my journey, and that it all came to a crashing halt in August. Last January, I got Teddy. Last February, I started with my trainer. Last March, I went to Vegas and actually found the gym inside my hotel there. Last April, I went to Stagecoach and had energy to survive a crazy festival & got to wear clothes I liked and met hot guys & had raging self-confidence.  Last May & June I dated, a lot, and had so much fun doing so.  And I closed a bunch of deals and was on my way to really being happy.

I remember one afternoon walking out of my house in sporty shorts & a tank top to walk Teddy, with my hair piled on top of my head, and shades, of course, and I remember looking up at the sunshine and feeling like "Ahhh, so this is what it feels like."

And then I let it all fall apart. And THAT - is over. I know that having that medal hang around my neck is what I need to propel me into the goodness again.  I often think about this concept:

"Forgiveness is accepting the fact that the past could have been any different."

I struggle with this - every single day.

And it shows in my weight. It manifests there. But I am actively working on it.  I am angry.

They say there are 5 stages of grief:
1) Denial & Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I'm hanging out in anger right now. Sometimes I find myself bargaining, and sometimes it's just simple depression. But mostly, I'm angry. It sounds so simple, but I have so much rage I don't know what to do with it and so I eat it away. Sometimes I scream. The other day I screamed so much I was actually, visibly shaking when I hung up the phone. It didn't subside for a few minutes. I almost threw my phone across the room recently. Almost. I want to punch someone. No, I think I really could. I can't really picture it either but it could probably happen.  I am ANGRY. At everyone & no one. At things I've allowed to happen. At actions I've taken, and not taken. I am angry at everyone who seems to want a piece of me. No, I cannot spend every single evening at dinners and drinks and coffees listening to everyone else's problems. And I am angry at everyone who calls me when they are single. Fuck you. Yep, I said it. If you can't find the time to be my friend when you are in a relationship, you don't fucking deserve me as a friend to pick up the pieces for you when you find yourself single. And yes, I am an awesome friend, and no, that does not mean you can take my friendship for granted. Because, soon, very very soon, it will be gone. Because I am finally learning how to let people go - for good.  And I don't need to keep you around. You can totally dislike me for whatever reason ya got - I'm cool with that now.  Like I said, I'm angry. And I pretty much don't care about your problems anymore.  Miranda sums it up pretty well: "I can't carry it all, I gotta lotta troubles of my own"

But despite the rage that overwhelms me at times, I am learning to channel it to good. I am using it more in workouts. And every time I want to let it take me over, Teddy keeps me sane. I love him so much. I got him at just the perfect time in my life. He forces me to go on walks and be a normal person. He forces me to make better choices with where to spend my time, and who to share it with. And even though he's a crazy energy high jumper pup, he's so simple & good. He just wants to play! 


And I am finding a way to believe in myself again. Because honestly, when I'm "in it" - I'm unstoppable.  When I can actually channel my true self, and hold onto her, everything goes right, and I start losing weight. But I also start losing friends. It's very strange. I don't really know why this happens. But when I put myself first, and start getting happy, things change. And I've never dealt with that well, and so I've let my fear of change, fear of success?, hold me back.

But I am so tired of letting it win. I'm ready to fight back. Maybe I needed to find the anger. Maybe it is the fuel I need, more than anything else, to win this battle towards my ultimate happiness.