maybe I needed to find the anger

So... we're 2-3 days out from the Surf City Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained enough. Let's be honest, I haven't trained ... nearly ... enough. I don't care. I know, in my gut, that I can and will finish the miles. I also know that I desperately need to do this. I can't wait. I mean, I'm scared. I know it will take a long long time and I know I will hurt. But, I know I need to do this.

My life was affected deeply by some events in early August, and I just haven't been the same since. I have a photo at a friend's wedding, on July 30th, and I know I was crazy happy then. I know that from January to July of last year, I made incredible strides in my journey, and that it all came to a crashing halt in August. Last January, I got Teddy. Last February, I started with my trainer. Last March, I went to Vegas and actually found the gym inside my hotel there. Last April, I went to Stagecoach and had energy to survive a crazy festival & got to wear clothes I liked and met hot guys & had raging self-confidence.  Last May & June I dated, a lot, and had so much fun doing so.  And I closed a bunch of deals and was on my way to really being happy.

I remember one afternoon walking out of my house in sporty shorts & a tank top to walk Teddy, with my hair piled on top of my head, and shades, of course, and I remember looking up at the sunshine and feeling like "Ahhh, so this is what it feels like."

And then I let it all fall apart. And THAT - is over. I know that having that medal hang around my neck is what I need to propel me into the goodness again.  I often think about this concept:

"Forgiveness is accepting the fact that the past could have been any different."

I struggle with this - every single day.

And it shows in my weight. It manifests there. But I am actively working on it.  I am angry.

They say there are 5 stages of grief:
1) Denial & Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I'm hanging out in anger right now. Sometimes I find myself bargaining, and sometimes it's just simple depression. But mostly, I'm angry. It sounds so simple, but I have so much rage I don't know what to do with it and so I eat it away. Sometimes I scream. The other day I screamed so much I was actually, visibly shaking when I hung up the phone. It didn't subside for a few minutes. I almost threw my phone across the room recently. Almost. I want to punch someone. No, I think I really could. I can't really picture it either but it could probably happen.  I am ANGRY. At everyone & no one. At things I've allowed to happen. At actions I've taken, and not taken. I am angry at everyone who seems to want a piece of me. No, I cannot spend every single evening at dinners and drinks and coffees listening to everyone else's problems. And I am angry at everyone who calls me when they are single. Fuck you. Yep, I said it. If you can't find the time to be my friend when you are in a relationship, you don't fucking deserve me as a friend to pick up the pieces for you when you find yourself single. And yes, I am an awesome friend, and no, that does not mean you can take my friendship for granted. Because, soon, very very soon, it will be gone. Because I am finally learning how to let people go - for good.  And I don't need to keep you around. You can totally dislike me for whatever reason ya got - I'm cool with that now.  Like I said, I'm angry. And I pretty much don't care about your problems anymore.  Miranda sums it up pretty well: "I can't carry it all, I gotta lotta troubles of my own"

But despite the rage that overwhelms me at times, I am learning to channel it to good. I am using it more in workouts. And every time I want to let it take me over, Teddy keeps me sane. I love him so much. I got him at just the perfect time in my life. He forces me to go on walks and be a normal person. He forces me to make better choices with where to spend my time, and who to share it with. And even though he's a crazy energy high jumper pup, he's so simple & good. He just wants to play! 


And I am finding a way to believe in myself again. Because honestly, when I'm "in it" - I'm unstoppable.  When I can actually channel my true self, and hold onto her, everything goes right, and I start losing weight. But I also start losing friends. It's very strange. I don't really know why this happens. But when I put myself first, and start getting happy, things change. And I've never dealt with that well, and so I've let my fear of change, fear of success?, hold me back.

But I am so tired of letting it win. I'm ready to fight back. Maybe I needed to find the anger. Maybe it is the fuel I need, more than anything else, to win this battle towards my ultimate happiness.