On the list of my super priorities in life- or, in each individual day- I just can't seem to make myself go to the gym. I can't find clean work out clothes- or socks - or even my tennis shoes right now. I have no idea where they are.
My couch has never felt more comfy. I work from it w/ my laptop. I watch tv on it. I even sleep on it occasionally. Alright alright- the last 3 nights. I know!
I need to sign up for a trainer. I need to JUST go for a walk. Oh b/c ALSO- I'm supposed to do the Long Beach Half Marathon in a week and a half and haven't run in probably more than 2 months. I keep waking up thinking- today I will do an 8miler test run to see if I can still pull it off. Instead I put it off. I'm so feeble. Who thinks they can do 13.1 miles without training? Who does that? No one. Well, maybe some Kenyans. But they probably CAN.
I would like to be independently wealthy so that I can have a chef, trainer, and maid. Ahh that would be the life. :)
9.30.2008
9.17.2008
changing... slowly...
I am tracking my points. I am signing up for a personal trainer at 24 hour fitness. I WILL keep doing this... because life is short, and I want to enjoy it, more. In the moment... and for a longer period of time...
I made crystal light- and did my dishes. And I have lean cuisines and smart ones in my freezer to keep me on track.
I bought stuff for a salad yesterday, and made it last night... and I will make it again.
Because I think I need to eat a salad a day... and maybe an apple a day as well.
Little changes. Little changes. I must commit to them.
I made crystal light- and did my dishes. And I have lean cuisines and smart ones in my freezer to keep me on track.
I bought stuff for a salad yesterday, and made it last night... and I will make it again.
Because I think I need to eat a salad a day... and maybe an apple a day as well.
Little changes. Little changes. I must commit to them.
9.16.2008
somehow
My eating still isn't under control. And I'm not exercising. But here's the thing- I'm not going out. I'm working hard and keeping a regular schedule. This past weekend was insanely busy- and crazy fun. And I became immensely aware of how I operate on a regular basis. I let other people have control - for a variety of fears and anxiety and people-pleaser tendencies.
I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.
It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.
I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.
The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.
It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.
I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.
I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.
Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.
Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.
Somehow.
I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.
It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.
I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.
The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.
It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.
I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.
I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.
Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.
Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.
Somehow.
9.08.2008
the wait, the want, the will
I attended a Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday. Then I went to a big fat greek party.
I ordered a pizza on Sunday - with cinnamon sticks. I also had about 3 coke zeros.
Today I've had a croissant, a pastry, a starbucks coffee and a peet's iced tea.
I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I'm definitely addicted to the habits of interaction that are the anonymity of coffee & tea establishments.
I'm really considering more greek food for dinner + pinkberry.
What I need to do is clean my kitchen and go grocery shopping. I need to clean up my apartment- b/c when its messy, I am lazy. I need to stock my house with the fuel I need to continue the good efforts, instead of fall into the bad, of take-out, and laziness.
I need to go running.
I need to go running.
I need to go running.
No- that's not a glitch.
I need to go running!
I need to buy this flat iron called "the croc" so I can easily get my hair to go from damp, to straight. My old one broke... and seriously- I can't deny- this is something hindering me from working out. Straightening my hair is SUCH a bitch, but I hate it otherwise... so I avoid working out- so the straightness can last longer. I need to just buy that damn iron again- despite the cost. So I am happy.
I need to go back to 24Lift ...
I am signed up for the LB Half Marathon on 10/12 and god help me but I'm going to do it. Some way- some how. I think I've forgotten how hard 13.1 can be when you're not doing an easy 8 on a regular basis. Where is my running watch? And I need to replace the battery...
I just keep refusing to take ACTION with the things I know I need to do to be successful at this...
What will happen if I'm successful? Why do I keep sabotaging it? What is wrong with me that I somehow enjoy staying in this state of hell. There has to be some payoff or I would get OUT of it already.
I don't understand... b/c I want the fab clothes... and I want the relationship... and I want the hot heels... and I want the bathing suits... and ability to sit comfortably on an airplane- or at a restaurant table. And I don't have any of those things now... and I know they are worth the work to me.
But for some reason- the comfort of the food-shoveling action is more enticing in a given moment than any of those things. And in fact, they help numb the saddness that I can't have any of those things UNTIL I lose the weight... The wait.
I ordered a pizza on Sunday - with cinnamon sticks. I also had about 3 coke zeros.
Today I've had a croissant, a pastry, a starbucks coffee and a peet's iced tea.
I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I'm definitely addicted to the habits of interaction that are the anonymity of coffee & tea establishments.
I'm really considering more greek food for dinner + pinkberry.
What I need to do is clean my kitchen and go grocery shopping. I need to clean up my apartment- b/c when its messy, I am lazy. I need to stock my house with the fuel I need to continue the good efforts, instead of fall into the bad, of take-out, and laziness.
I need to go running.
I need to go running.
I need to go running.
No- that's not a glitch.
I need to go running!
I need to buy this flat iron called "the croc" so I can easily get my hair to go from damp, to straight. My old one broke... and seriously- I can't deny- this is something hindering me from working out. Straightening my hair is SUCH a bitch, but I hate it otherwise... so I avoid working out- so the straightness can last longer. I need to just buy that damn iron again- despite the cost. So I am happy.
I need to go back to 24Lift ...
I am signed up for the LB Half Marathon on 10/12 and god help me but I'm going to do it. Some way- some how. I think I've forgotten how hard 13.1 can be when you're not doing an easy 8 on a regular basis. Where is my running watch? And I need to replace the battery...
I just keep refusing to take ACTION with the things I know I need to do to be successful at this...
What will happen if I'm successful? Why do I keep sabotaging it? What is wrong with me that I somehow enjoy staying in this state of hell. There has to be some payoff or I would get OUT of it already.
I don't understand... b/c I want the fab clothes... and I want the relationship... and I want the hot heels... and I want the bathing suits... and ability to sit comfortably on an airplane- or at a restaurant table. And I don't have any of those things now... and I know they are worth the work to me.
But for some reason- the comfort of the food-shoveling action is more enticing in a given moment than any of those things. And in fact, they help numb the saddness that I can't have any of those things UNTIL I lose the weight... The wait.
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