somehow

My eating still isn't under control. And I'm not exercising. But here's the thing- I'm not going out. I'm working hard and keeping a regular schedule. This past weekend was insanely busy- and crazy fun. And I became immensely aware of how I operate on a regular basis. I let other people have control - for a variety of fears and anxiety and people-pleaser tendencies.

I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.

It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.

I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.

The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.

It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.

I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.

I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.

Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.

Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.

Somehow.