good or bad- it will be changed by the miles.

So, in about 8 hours, I will be crossing the start line for the Long Beach Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained nearly hard or long enough. But I know I will be fine. B/c I've done it before. And I get thru everything these days thinking "I've survived a marathon, I can get thru THIS."

I've been entrenched in race day preparations. Setting the watch, pinning the race bib, attaching the shoe timer/chip, carb loading, setting out the sunscreen & body glide, charging the ipod, & chugging water. I forgot. It all came back to me in a flash, but I forgot the person I was when I was doing serious marathon training. Staying in on Friday or Saturday nights, and that being totally ok- and great even. Knowing that a whole world of fun was going on outside my mileage prep bubble, and not caring in the slightest. I know how to be, and very much like, this girl. But I forgot.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I mean, I know it. Let's be real. 13.1 ain't a stroll in the park. But I can do it. And that's why I need to write this down now. Because tomorrow I'm going to think something entirely different, good or bad, it will be changed by the miles.

If I need to register for a half marathon every couple of months to keep myself in this world, then that's what I'm going to do. Because I remember when I ran 8 miles EVERY Saturday as a *maintenance* run when I wasn't doing a long run. I used to call 8 an easy breezy run. And it was! I want that back.

One day I want to actually be able to wear the race t-shirt TO the race and have it fit AND look good. Right now, it just fits. Which, is more than I used to be able to say actually.

I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping already but I can't. I will- soon- but not yet. Right now I want to capture this moment of anticipation. This moment of knowing I can do it. Everything I read back in '05 said it is very difficult to lose weight when you're training for your first marathon. But that day is over and now I want to do manageable distances, consistently.

I like this moment, and this person. I want to convert this into energy and use it for the weightloss battle. I want to keep running off the pounds. Goals and events like this keep me IN it.

I know I can

It is amazing how quickly I start looking at and thinking "big picture." I have problems with the whole tree vs forest metaphor. In a given moment, I can only see the trees. I can only see the food right in front of me and I don't feel like I make good choices in those given moments. But left alone to my own devices with food and exercise off the table, I start thinking in terms of grandiose goals and projects for myself. And ONE day I am going to learn that this is my demise!

The Focus: November 1st. That is all. 10 lbs. That is all.

Today:
Breakfast, er, lunch really - organic waffle, greek yogurt w/ agave & blueberries on top
Dinner @ Bodega: hummus & pita, chopped salad, 2 glasses white wine

I'm pretty sure I stayed well w/in my calorie targets but I don't think this day went out super nutritionally.

I need to get better at eating every 4 hours.

Actually, before 11/1, I really just need to focus on the race on Sunday. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained hard enough-- but I KNOW I can DO it.

Because my body will forgive me, but my mind never will.

And I remember now that I can do this... keeping things simple

The blog is back! Many of you have asked me what's going on w/ the weightloss and the blogging. I stopped for awhile, initially because I was freaked out about my personal life being archived on the web for eternity. And I still am. So I may do some editing and censoring, but we'll see how it goes.

I reviewed my initial post - almost exactly 2 years ago. And I remember now that I can do this. I was losing weight pretty steadily then from November 07 to March 08... and then I started playing kickball again in Huntington and it somehow all went to hell.

Now, I don't think kickball was the prob. I think the lifestyle I chose (/choose) to lead when I'm playing kickball IS the problem.

So- I am becoming a hermit again. As much as I can possibly stand. Fall seems to be a good time for me to keep these things in check.

Also- the long beach half marathon is Sunday. I've done LITTLE training for this but I am DETERMINED to finish even if my body hates me for it. I did 26.2 once upon a time... I can conjure up the will. I will!

I will turn 31 on September 1st, 2010 which is a Wednesday. And USC plays at Hawaii that following Labor Day weekend. I dream of a trip to that game, actually being able to fit WELL into CUTE 'sc game attire... and a hot bathing suit for Hawaii beaches.

I am also in a wedding on Feb. 13th and will have another bridesmaid dress to parade in, so that should provide ample motivation as well

But instead of making crazy year long goals of hundreds of pounds... I am keeping things simple. 10 lbs in 1 month. My goal is to drop 10 lbs by November 1st, 2009.

And that is ALL I am going to focus on-- nothing else. I will not look beyond Nov 1st and I think everything's gonna be ok.