I already don't want to go though

So, I am up a little bit after this weekend's weigh-in... but effectively, I am down about 2.5 per week for the last 2 weeks. At least, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. I knew that 7lb loss couldn't be sustained.

However, I am exactly, precisely 3 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been trying to hit, well, forever, but more specifically since March. I am going to work really hard this week. I just made a fresh batch of iced green tea. I bought WW 2 point bars which are so yummy. I have not restocked my fridge- but I think I'm ok for the week... I need to actually USE what I have. Which is always my problem.

I really want to go running every morning this week but I have a lot of work in front of me this and that tends to take over sometimes. We will see. Honestly any exercise at this point would be better than what is occuring now, so I'm gonna go with that. Maybe I'll start w/ just a walk. That seems more attainable right now.

If I get too busy- I need to go to the store and stock up on lean cuisines. That will get me thru. It's the time, effort, and mess, of cooking that often deters me. I need to prepare for dinners. Or defer to Subway. Evenings are also busy. Mon-kickball. Tues/Thurs- Kaplan LSAT class. Wed- showing property/working. Fri- Shabbat engagement dinner. Fri will actually require extra planning. I am attending Persian Shabbat dinner in Beverly Hills for an engagement celebration and I have no idea what food I will be faced with. And as that is the night before weigh-in, I must be particularly conscious of salt intake as well. At least I have it in mind in advance.

I think the a.m. walking will be the way to go- but that will also require me to get to bed early, despite these evening activities- as my days are pretty packed this week. I even have to go to court on Friday to confirm a sale ... which is also not part of my norm routine.

Thinking about all of this in advance is good- but still isn't going to get me where I need to be. I must plan, each day, the day before, in order to truly succeed this week.

Also, I wrote a really emotional post last night, which quite honestly, no one needs to read- not even me. But the essence of it is that I am a really emotional eater and I have got to learn how to get that under control. It is currently my go-to coping mechanism and I must get past that at some point.

Again, I think the walking in the a.m.'s will help. I already don't want to go though.

little lessons

Last week I dropped about 7lbs which brought me w/in VERY close reach of my 10% goal. I worked really hard at it last week but alas- I attribute 2-3 lbs of actual loss, 2-3 lbs of dehydration, and 2lbs of losing the period affectation. It was a faux huge loss. But still a great loss nonetheless.

However, the last time this happened, was in February, which is what pretty much kicked off these 2 months of yo-yo-ing. I'm not gonna lie- it's pretty much all related to men. Damn you all. And without divulging just completely too much about my personal life, I can pretty much attest that these troubles are mostly concerned with the opposite sex and coping mechanisms. In a nutshell.

What else changed around the end of Feb you might ask... b/c well, I did... and oh, of course, I re-joined Kickball.

So I've now assessed the pitfalls of the last 2 months, and contemplated the minor successes. And what I have learned is this:

1. I am more important than anybody else in the world
2. Conversely, you, are not more important, than me.
3. I will not give you time that I do not have, and that you will not reciprocate.
4. I will not order redbull-vodka at Q's. Or the Roxxy.
5. I will strive to run every single morning- and I will get over the fact that this means I can't have straight hair every day.
6. I will not go to Taco Bell.
7. I will feel, instead of eat. I will cry instead of inhale fries. I will run instead of medicate anxiety thru food.
8. I will not buy into any "crush" anymore because he's too dumb, too arrogant, and/or too apathetic to do anything about it. Plus, his girlfriend probably wouldn't like it much. And I don't really want to pay for anyone's drink but my own.
9. I will replace despair and lonliness with cynicism and anger. Yeah - I know- one day I'll figure out why that's not healthy either. But for now at least the anger will get my running shoes on.
10. I will continue to cook. And one day, I'll be good at it.

They're little lessons. And big lessons. And petty gripes disguised as lessons. But they are important right this minute and I'm not too thrilled about that, but I am accepting such information as truth right now.

I think, if you aren't supporting me and my missions, you don't belong here.
I think, if you want to support me and my missions, you won't judge.

I know that I am a complete and total pain in the ass these days... but I have this all-or-nothing / black-and-white mentality that I'm learning how to bend... I don't know how to do that yet and pretty much if I don't trust you completely, I don't trust you at all.

What? you may ask ... does any of this have to do with dropping pounds? And the answer is- quite simply- everything.

the haps

So, my faithful & loyal, I am back. Thank you to everyone for harassing me about the blog. That's sort of why I started it. So I couldn't let my effort fade. I have hit the dreaded plateau. I have gained and lost the same 2-3 lbs for the last 2 months. The good news is: I'm not up by much. I'm about the same weight I was around Valentine's Day... Which is when I had that crazy huge 7lb loss due to hangover dehydration (or so I think.) Here is a brief little update...

I was down 2, 2 weeks ago, and up 2.8 this week, and it goes on. But Sunday night, dearest Lindsey came to save me and we went grocery shopping and did some veggie chopping and I have a stocked house again so that I will not defer to Taco Bell anymore. :) I have been tracking my food this week again online w/ the WW e-tools. And I went for a walk w/ my mom this morning. All in all, I've been making that change again and doing the work. And thank god I've found the groove again.

I felt like I was on my way here... White Rock Lake... Dallas, TX... March 2, 2008. This is definitely one of the more recent full body shots of me. I don't allow them. I was doing ok. I looked better than I had in quite some time and I was pretty happy.
But then I came back to Long Beach and started my job w/ WAKA Kickball and put an amazing deal into escrow and signed up for a Kaplan LSAT prep class. And I got stressed and didn't know how to eat right outside of making myself a hermit at home. And, I stopped exercising. I stopped finding the time.

I went on a bachelorette wine tasting adventure and that was really one of the worst gains I've had in some time.

And lastly, I thought I was finally balancing... but the most recent pix I have while on a pubcrawl, show otherwise. The face fat is more evident. My arms are worse than they were when I was doing the 24Lift & 24Set classes at 24hour.

There is a theme... the social drinking. I have curtailed the problem-like sort of drinking. But with my body, still, ANY consumption at all- even if I count the points- my body will not accept this. It recognizes it is not fuel. It will not lose weight if I drink. It's LOW in tolerance. I mean, we're talking 1-3 bud lights in a week... and I still won't lose weight- even if I do everything else right. It is not fair. And I'm going to have to adjust this - or work out more- or something - to account for my lifestyle- if I want to lose weight.

In happy news, I got my bridesmaid dress for Amy's wedding and that fits and looks beautiful. It only needs to be hemmed. And last October, when I tried on the largest size in the store, it would not zip. So really, I'm thrilled about that. It means I have still done something. That even though I am struggling now, I can remember that I HAVE accomplished a lot, already, regardless of how much I can convince myself its meaningless- it's not.

I am so freaking busy- more than I have been in some time. And I am trying to figure out how to "do it all" ... without food as my go-to source of comfort. I'm not on stable ground yet, but I'm workin on it.