I feel like it looks outside- grey & dreary. And part of me LOVES it. And part of me is just dreary.
I like that I can hide in a sweatshirt again.
A few days ago...
I made brownie mix ... I put water & oil into brownie mix, but no eggs... so I could just eat the mix.
I even ate some of it a day later. That's gross.
Hooked on starbucks muffins and croissants, again.
My car is clean- and, there is no food in it- and, that's my silver lining of today.
8.28.2008
8.13.2008
the promise... all in good time
I haven't eaten the healthiest of items today... but they've all been super low in points.
I am having Fortune Cookie tonight which I am very excited about and for which I have diligently saved my points.
I revised my goals and expectations today. I made an excel spreadsheet- with formulas n everything! :) I believe I can take off the less than 10lbs to get back to my ORIGINAL 10% weight... and I believe I can hit the 2nd 10% lost by the end of the year. I also believe that I can weigh 160lbs -- my goal weight -- before the end of 2009.
I just can't fall off the wagon anymore. I'm wasting months. I really wanted to have accomplished this before my 30th birthday. I could have, but I wasted time. I still hope I can pull it off by then, but after running the most realistic of numbers, it's really going to be before the end of '09.
I know I should only be looking at today but the promise of having a new body in a little over a year makes me so happy. And I do know that I can do it- I just can't fall off the wagon anymore.
As my original WW leader Lori Fusaro often said- it has to be like brushing your teeth. You can't imagine going a day without tracking your food. It has to be that ingrained in your life that you just do it automatically without thinking.
It's the thinking right now that is making me sort of miserable about it. But I know that can be gotten over too. All in good time.
I am having Fortune Cookie tonight which I am very excited about and for which I have diligently saved my points.
I revised my goals and expectations today. I made an excel spreadsheet- with formulas n everything! :) I believe I can take off the less than 10lbs to get back to my ORIGINAL 10% weight... and I believe I can hit the 2nd 10% lost by the end of the year. I also believe that I can weigh 160lbs -- my goal weight -- before the end of 2009.
I just can't fall off the wagon anymore. I'm wasting months. I really wanted to have accomplished this before my 30th birthday. I could have, but I wasted time. I still hope I can pull it off by then, but after running the most realistic of numbers, it's really going to be before the end of '09.
I know I should only be looking at today but the promise of having a new body in a little over a year makes me so happy. And I do know that I can do it- I just can't fall off the wagon anymore.
As my original WW leader Lori Fusaro often said- it has to be like brushing your teeth. You can't imagine going a day without tracking your food. It has to be that ingrained in your life that you just do it automatically without thinking.
It's the thinking right now that is making me sort of miserable about it. But I know that can be gotten over too. All in good time.
8.12.2008
right?
I ate a 2-point ice cream sandwich for breakfast... I might have 1 more and some coffee...
I'm not going to run today b/c my hair is straight and I like it that way- and straightening it might actually be more work than running.
But I'm tracking... even tho I find what I am eating completely wrong, I am writing it down... so, uh, that's good right?
I'm not going to run today b/c my hair is straight and I like it that way- and straightening it might actually be more work than running.
But I'm tracking... even tho I find what I am eating completely wrong, I am writing it down... so, uh, that's good right?
8.11.2008
right now
I woke up dreaming about a croisssant at Starbucks. In, literally, the blink of an eye, I realized the sickness of my ingrained habits.
I had 3/4 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats w/ 1/2 cup of milk- all measured out. I didn't like it. And I wrote it down. I wasn't hungry after I ate it- but I didn't feel full like I do after a croissant... and I didn't get my morning interaction w/ my barista and the random strangers that I apparently adore so much.
Instead, I made bad coffee in my mobile french press mug... and 2 hours later subsequently bought an iced coffee at CBTL b/c it was next to the gas station I was at.
I had a bag of mini pretzels that luckily I was too lazy to drag out of my car from the grocery store last night so they were conveniently present for a mid-morning snack.
I am walking the walk, at least for this morning.
I had 3/4 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats w/ 1/2 cup of milk- all measured out. I didn't like it. And I wrote it down. I wasn't hungry after I ate it- but I didn't feel full like I do after a croissant... and I didn't get my morning interaction w/ my barista and the random strangers that I apparently adore so much.
Instead, I made bad coffee in my mobile french press mug... and 2 hours later subsequently bought an iced coffee at CBTL b/c it was next to the gas station I was at.
I had a bag of mini pretzels that luckily I was too lazy to drag out of my car from the grocery store last night so they were conveniently present for a mid-morning snack.
I am walking the walk, at least for this morning.
8.10.2008
"If your life is going to be wedded to a slur, it might as well be a colorful one."
So I read this book called Drunkard by Neil Steinberg. The cover had lime green lettering with a large ice cube and it screamed "You need to read me!" from the shelf of a Barnes & Noble and I purchased it on Friday night. I was done by 3:30pm on Saturday. It is not a thin book. It is the memoir of one man's struggle with alcoholism. But it is not just for alcoholics. It is a book for anyone facing an addiction, anyone trying to climb a mountain, anyone who is not perfect, and anyone who maybe thinks they in fact are perfect... and they've always wondered what the other side is like. I'm pretty sure that having read this book is going to be one of those important turning points in this journey for me. I can't be certain, but I have that feeling... that mattering feeling you get when you know something is important. It's not a how-to book. I like those. The lists and forms and calendars in them make me feel calm and in control. Drunkard is a tale, a chronology, a documentary. It is honest and it does not suppose to tell you there is hope for you... the only message is "This is my story" ... not to discount the actual many messages... but really, that's the bottom line.
I tell you about this book almost in the same way that the author speaks of one of his AA meetings... because its one of things that has led me to today.
I lost 3.6lbs at Weight Watchers today... I weighed in at a meeting. Alone. And I sat alone. And I listened to the ra-ra message trying to use the Olympics to inspire the members to move more- not even to exercise- but just to move. And I saw again, the way I used to think of it when I started years ago, how WeightWatchers is really similar to AA. The blessing and the curse... the blessing is that food is not physiologically as addictive as alcohol. The curse is that you can't decide to never eat again to lose weight.
And I know there are probably a bunch of recovering alcoholics who would hate that I can make this comparison b/c how can this possibly be the same.... but I'm pretty sure for me, that it is exactly the same.
A craving. Always on your mind. Where is the next drink coming from? How good will it be? And eventually it doesn't matter to the point of desperation of drinking the cooking vanilla in your kitchen cupboard. I have shoved countless amounts of shitty shitty junk food into my mouth without ever tasting it. Its not hunger. Its to feed the addiction. The loneliness and lack of rational thought leads me to the food and its never a question- of course I'm going to eat everything. B/c the fuller I can make myself feel- the less empty I seem. Its a type of numbing process that I've honed since a child.
And I'm not sure that Weight Watchers will work. But I also don't want to be one of those people to have to resort to surgery. Nor do I want to die from a stroke, or heart attack, or develop diabetes. I'm on that path. And I can't always make myself buy-in to the WW spiel. I was "on the wagon" w/ this endeavor for quite a few months- and I had some success... but I fell off the wagon, and I've been off doing some damage.
I'm finally sliding back on- I lost this week which is great but I"m more concerned with this coming week now. What will I eat? How will I avoid the bad stuff? Can I still make the right decisions if I am social? And haven't I been slowly isolating myself so that I will have no one and nothing left to do but hang out with myself and exercise and eat at home.
I'm pretty sure I am addicted to the stuffed & numbing sensation that over-eating provides me. I'm pretty sure that if I did have the surgery instead of doing this myself, I would end up a Drunkard. Because I am not someone who needs to lose 30lbs or their baby weight or their freshman 15 or 40 as the case may be. I have a lifetime of disappointment, regret, and loneliness hanging around my heart and I know how to physically get rid of the weight. Calories in and calories out.
But until I deal with why... I am never going to succeed. I can track everything I eat now- but its just the wagon. I'll keep falling off again and again until I get to the bottom of the black hole.
And the thing is- I don't really want to get to the bottom of it because its pretty scary. I wish I could go somewhere for 28 days that would detox me of my food addiction and I could come out not eating, ever. Sadly, I must eat to live and I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to make the right choices. Because I hate them. Just like the Drunkard believes he can handle 1 glass of wine that turns into a week-long bender on Jack... I find a way to rationalize whatever it is I'm putting into my mouth at any time. I have a reason for everything and I'm always starting over. Relapsing.
Isn't anyone else sick of me relapsing? No. Because I don't get dysfunctional like a drunk... instead I get fatter. So as long as I can pretend to live with that, there are no consequences, until my health collapses.
When there are no consequences, I don't change. Because I don't have to. Hell, even when there are consequences, I don't change. Because I care more to support my food binging habits that somehow make my world ok, than I do if I end up in the hospital. That may not be true deep down, but that's how I act on every single given day.
And haven't you heard...?
Beware of your thoughts for they become your actions. etc etc
The catalyst to change for the Drunkard in the book was a night in jail. The law forced him into rehab. No one is going to force me into anything over weight loss. There is no crime. There are no legal ramifications. There are mostly only serious health consequences...
those clearly aren't having any effect on my actions...
But this book, this book opened my eyes to the true nature of my habits... almost all of them... they are an addicts habits. The cravings, the needs, the price and joy in the ritual, the feeling that it my god damned right to do as I please if it makes me feel good, the shame, the disbelief at how much of a choke-hold it has on your day-to-day life, the unforeseen triggers, the unfolding hell with strict, dark, blinders on.
But it opened my eyes- and reminded me that if I am to eliminate some habits or activities or joy- that I better find something to replace it with. Hopefully I'll be willing to keep my eyes open long enough to make some real, actual, measurable, progress.
... I want not to post this right now as its 3:30am and I've had a lot of caffeine keeping me up... but even as I type, I know I'm going to anyway. Because even if its rough and needs refining and maybe some clarity... the heart of it is true and correct... and if I let it go, I'm just going to censor it down until its a funny anecdote about a book I read that maybe has some relevance to this. When the reality is, I have to post this now before I stop myself, because it's real, maybe critical. And I'm just tired enough to let it be.
I tell you about this book almost in the same way that the author speaks of one of his AA meetings... because its one of things that has led me to today.
I lost 3.6lbs at Weight Watchers today... I weighed in at a meeting. Alone. And I sat alone. And I listened to the ra-ra message trying to use the Olympics to inspire the members to move more- not even to exercise- but just to move. And I saw again, the way I used to think of it when I started years ago, how WeightWatchers is really similar to AA. The blessing and the curse... the blessing is that food is not physiologically as addictive as alcohol. The curse is that you can't decide to never eat again to lose weight.
And I know there are probably a bunch of recovering alcoholics who would hate that I can make this comparison b/c how can this possibly be the same.... but I'm pretty sure for me, that it is exactly the same.
A craving. Always on your mind. Where is the next drink coming from? How good will it be? And eventually it doesn't matter to the point of desperation of drinking the cooking vanilla in your kitchen cupboard. I have shoved countless amounts of shitty shitty junk food into my mouth without ever tasting it. Its not hunger. Its to feed the addiction. The loneliness and lack of rational thought leads me to the food and its never a question- of course I'm going to eat everything. B/c the fuller I can make myself feel- the less empty I seem. Its a type of numbing process that I've honed since a child.
And I'm not sure that Weight Watchers will work. But I also don't want to be one of those people to have to resort to surgery. Nor do I want to die from a stroke, or heart attack, or develop diabetes. I'm on that path. And I can't always make myself buy-in to the WW spiel. I was "on the wagon" w/ this endeavor for quite a few months- and I had some success... but I fell off the wagon, and I've been off doing some damage.
I'm finally sliding back on- I lost this week which is great but I"m more concerned with this coming week now. What will I eat? How will I avoid the bad stuff? Can I still make the right decisions if I am social? And haven't I been slowly isolating myself so that I will have no one and nothing left to do but hang out with myself and exercise and eat at home.
I'm pretty sure I am addicted to the stuffed & numbing sensation that over-eating provides me. I'm pretty sure that if I did have the surgery instead of doing this myself, I would end up a Drunkard. Because I am not someone who needs to lose 30lbs or their baby weight or their freshman 15 or 40 as the case may be. I have a lifetime of disappointment, regret, and loneliness hanging around my heart and I know how to physically get rid of the weight. Calories in and calories out.
But until I deal with why... I am never going to succeed. I can track everything I eat now- but its just the wagon. I'll keep falling off again and again until I get to the bottom of the black hole.
And the thing is- I don't really want to get to the bottom of it because its pretty scary. I wish I could go somewhere for 28 days that would detox me of my food addiction and I could come out not eating, ever. Sadly, I must eat to live and I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to make the right choices. Because I hate them. Just like the Drunkard believes he can handle 1 glass of wine that turns into a week-long bender on Jack... I find a way to rationalize whatever it is I'm putting into my mouth at any time. I have a reason for everything and I'm always starting over. Relapsing.
Isn't anyone else sick of me relapsing? No. Because I don't get dysfunctional like a drunk... instead I get fatter. So as long as I can pretend to live with that, there are no consequences, until my health collapses.
When there are no consequences, I don't change. Because I don't have to. Hell, even when there are consequences, I don't change. Because I care more to support my food binging habits that somehow make my world ok, than I do if I end up in the hospital. That may not be true deep down, but that's how I act on every single given day.
And haven't you heard...?
Beware of your thoughts for they become your actions. etc etc
The catalyst to change for the Drunkard in the book was a night in jail. The law forced him into rehab. No one is going to force me into anything over weight loss. There is no crime. There are no legal ramifications. There are mostly only serious health consequences...
those clearly aren't having any effect on my actions...
But this book, this book opened my eyes to the true nature of my habits... almost all of them... they are an addicts habits. The cravings, the needs, the price and joy in the ritual, the feeling that it my god damned right to do as I please if it makes me feel good, the shame, the disbelief at how much of a choke-hold it has on your day-to-day life, the unforeseen triggers, the unfolding hell with strict, dark, blinders on.
But it opened my eyes- and reminded me that if I am to eliminate some habits or activities or joy- that I better find something to replace it with. Hopefully I'll be willing to keep my eyes open long enough to make some real, actual, measurable, progress.
... I want not to post this right now as its 3:30am and I've had a lot of caffeine keeping me up... but even as I type, I know I'm going to anyway. Because even if its rough and needs refining and maybe some clarity... the heart of it is true and correct... and if I let it go, I'm just going to censor it down until its a funny anecdote about a book I read that maybe has some relevance to this. When the reality is, I have to post this now before I stop myself, because it's real, maybe critical. And I'm just tired enough to let it be.
8.02.2008
one day
I haven't given up. I've gone back to actually weighing-in at Weight Watcher meetings. I'm up 0.4 lbs this week from last.
I am back to tracking my food. This seems to be the key to success. Regardless of exercise, regardless of junk food or alcohol consumption, as long as I track it all, I do ok.
Today, so far, I have had a vivvanno smoothie from starbucks, and a smart ones frozen lunch of yummy quesadillas. I have 19 points left in my day and my full weekly 35 flex points to counter act any problems that may arise in sticking to my regular daily points.
I'm getting my water in, and I will have fruits and veggies at some point today too.
One day at a time. Tracking. Not giving up...
Because I hate my current pix.
Because I want to shop in normal stores.
Because I freaking said I would do this, so I am...
Even if it's slow
Even if I hate it often
Even if I have to keep living the same failures, I will keep on...
Because one day,
I will win.
I am back to tracking my food. This seems to be the key to success. Regardless of exercise, regardless of junk food or alcohol consumption, as long as I track it all, I do ok.
Today, so far, I have had a vivvanno smoothie from starbucks, and a smart ones frozen lunch of yummy quesadillas. I have 19 points left in my day and my full weekly 35 flex points to counter act any problems that may arise in sticking to my regular daily points.
I'm getting my water in, and I will have fruits and veggies at some point today too.
One day at a time. Tracking. Not giving up...
Because I hate my current pix.
Because I want to shop in normal stores.
Because I freaking said I would do this, so I am...
Even if it's slow
Even if I hate it often
Even if I have to keep living the same failures, I will keep on...
Because one day,
I will win.
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