The half marathon was almost a month ago. I haven't signed up for my next race- but I will soon... I'm debating Huntington or OC... Feb or May... My LB medal is hanging on the corner of my television. Sometimes I don't even see it. Other times- I stop and stare.
I cut out a bikini model from Vogue. I've never liked Vogue. Which is strange-- almost every female I know can't help but be engrossed in it. Or at least - like thumbing through it. Not me. I never have. Never. But I bought one at the grocery store last night. I figured out I've never liked it because I never thought I could have ANYTHING in that magazine. Not the clothes, not the shoes. And not the style. Because when you're fat-- you don't even want to dream about those things. You just know you can't have them. And that is easier than wanting. But I've put this bikini model up on my fridge and I don't hate it. For once, I don't hate it. I'm inspired by it and I think I CAN have that.
I'm "detox'ing" right now. It's Dr.-supervised :) Don't worry. I have my own little version of Private Practice. I feel amazing on it. I'm not hungry at ALL. The only hard part is balancing my social life. Detox consists of 2 protein/fruit shakes a day. Unlimited fruits & veggies. Lean meat every three days. (I've been making these amazing turkey burgers for that! Sooo good! And all-natural supplements. I heart detox. Really. I feel so good. I've been telling all my friends detox is over on 11/20- and we're going OUT. But I'm kind of even afraid of that now, I like it that much. Don't get me wrong. I still can't wait to have an amazing cocktail that evening. But that's the thing- it will have to be A M A Z I N G for it to be worth it to me now.
I lost 7 lbs last week... and I should have an even higher number this week on detox. WooHoo! I've met w/ a few dr's and/or nutritionists / wellness peeps and I really believe at this point- with sincere and steady commitment, I can reach my goals within 6-8 months. I put the total and complete weightloss at a year on the outside. And that is so inspiring and motivating for me. I don't have to see the finish line, but I do need know it's going to come. That matters a lot. Having an internal clock for the future- helps the now- significantly!
I'm determined. And not settling.
"...I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah
...With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Change her mind and change her world
I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."
~Sugarland
11.09.2009
10.10.2009
good or bad- it will be changed by the miles.
So, in about 8 hours, I will be crossing the start line for the Long Beach Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained nearly hard or long enough. But I know I will be fine. B/c I've done it before. And I get thru everything these days thinking "I've survived a marathon, I can get thru THIS."
I've been entrenched in race day preparations. Setting the watch, pinning the race bib, attaching the shoe timer/chip, carb loading, setting out the sunscreen & body glide, charging the ipod, & chugging water. I forgot. It all came back to me in a flash, but I forgot the person I was when I was doing serious marathon training. Staying in on Friday or Saturday nights, and that being totally ok- and great even. Knowing that a whole world of fun was going on outside my mileage prep bubble, and not caring in the slightest. I know how to be, and very much like, this girl. But I forgot.
Tomorrow is going to suck. I mean, I know it. Let's be real. 13.1 ain't a stroll in the park. But I can do it. And that's why I need to write this down now. Because tomorrow I'm going to think something entirely different, good or bad, it will be changed by the miles.
If I need to register for a half marathon every couple of months to keep myself in this world, then that's what I'm going to do. Because I remember when I ran 8 miles EVERY Saturday as a *maintenance* run when I wasn't doing a long run. I used to call 8 an easy breezy run. And it was! I want that back.
One day I want to actually be able to wear the race t-shirt TO the race and have it fit AND look good. Right now, it just fits. Which, is more than I used to be able to say actually.
I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping already but I can't. I will- soon- but not yet. Right now I want to capture this moment of anticipation. This moment of knowing I can do it. Everything I read back in '05 said it is very difficult to lose weight when you're training for your first marathon. But that day is over and now I want to do manageable distances, consistently.
I like this moment, and this person. I want to convert this into energy and use it for the weightloss battle. I want to keep running off the pounds. Goals and events like this keep me IN it.
I've been entrenched in race day preparations. Setting the watch, pinning the race bib, attaching the shoe timer/chip, carb loading, setting out the sunscreen & body glide, charging the ipod, & chugging water. I forgot. It all came back to me in a flash, but I forgot the person I was when I was doing serious marathon training. Staying in on Friday or Saturday nights, and that being totally ok- and great even. Knowing that a whole world of fun was going on outside my mileage prep bubble, and not caring in the slightest. I know how to be, and very much like, this girl. But I forgot.
Tomorrow is going to suck. I mean, I know it. Let's be real. 13.1 ain't a stroll in the park. But I can do it. And that's why I need to write this down now. Because tomorrow I'm going to think something entirely different, good or bad, it will be changed by the miles.
If I need to register for a half marathon every couple of months to keep myself in this world, then that's what I'm going to do. Because I remember when I ran 8 miles EVERY Saturday as a *maintenance* run when I wasn't doing a long run. I used to call 8 an easy breezy run. And it was! I want that back.
One day I want to actually be able to wear the race t-shirt TO the race and have it fit AND look good. Right now, it just fits. Which, is more than I used to be able to say actually.
I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping already but I can't. I will- soon- but not yet. Right now I want to capture this moment of anticipation. This moment of knowing I can do it. Everything I read back in '05 said it is very difficult to lose weight when you're training for your first marathon. But that day is over and now I want to do manageable distances, consistently.
I like this moment, and this person. I want to convert this into energy and use it for the weightloss battle. I want to keep running off the pounds. Goals and events like this keep me IN it.
10.07.2009
I know I can
It is amazing how quickly I start looking at and thinking "big picture." I have problems with the whole tree vs forest metaphor. In a given moment, I can only see the trees. I can only see the food right in front of me and I don't feel like I make good choices in those given moments. But left alone to my own devices with food and exercise off the table, I start thinking in terms of grandiose goals and projects for myself. And ONE day I am going to learn that this is my demise!
The Focus: November 1st. That is all. 10 lbs. That is all.
Today:
Breakfast, er, lunch really - organic waffle, greek yogurt w/ agave & blueberries on top
Dinner @ Bodega: hummus & pita, chopped salad, 2 glasses white wine
I'm pretty sure I stayed well w/in my calorie targets but I don't think this day went out super nutritionally.
I need to get better at eating every 4 hours.
Actually, before 11/1, I really just need to focus on the race on Sunday. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained hard enough-- but I KNOW I can DO it.
Because my body will forgive me, but my mind never will.
The Focus: November 1st. That is all. 10 lbs. That is all.
Today:
Breakfast, er, lunch really - organic waffle, greek yogurt w/ agave & blueberries on top
Dinner @ Bodega: hummus & pita, chopped salad, 2 glasses white wine
I'm pretty sure I stayed well w/in my calorie targets but I don't think this day went out super nutritionally.
I need to get better at eating every 4 hours.
Actually, before 11/1, I really just need to focus on the race on Sunday. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained hard enough-- but I KNOW I can DO it.
Because my body will forgive me, but my mind never will.
10.05.2009
And I remember now that I can do this... keeping things simple
The blog is back! Many of you have asked me what's going on w/ the weightloss and the blogging. I stopped for awhile, initially because I was freaked out about my personal life being archived on the web for eternity. And I still am. So I may do some editing and censoring, but we'll see how it goes.
I reviewed my initial post - almost exactly 2 years ago. And I remember now that I can do this. I was losing weight pretty steadily then from November 07 to March 08... and then I started playing kickball again in Huntington and it somehow all went to hell.
Now, I don't think kickball was the prob. I think the lifestyle I chose (/choose) to lead when I'm playing kickball IS the problem.
So- I am becoming a hermit again. As much as I can possibly stand. Fall seems to be a good time for me to keep these things in check.
Also- the long beach half marathon is Sunday. I've done LITTLE training for this but I am DETERMINED to finish even if my body hates me for it. I did 26.2 once upon a time... I can conjure up the will. I will!
I will turn 31 on September 1st, 2010 which is a Wednesday. And USC plays at Hawaii that following Labor Day weekend. I dream of a trip to that game, actually being able to fit WELL into CUTE 'sc game attire... and a hot bathing suit for Hawaii beaches.
I am also in a wedding on Feb. 13th and will have another bridesmaid dress to parade in, so that should provide ample motivation as well
But instead of making crazy year long goals of hundreds of pounds... I am keeping things simple. 10 lbs in 1 month. My goal is to drop 10 lbs by November 1st, 2009.
And that is ALL I am going to focus on-- nothing else. I will not look beyond Nov 1st and I think everything's gonna be ok.
I reviewed my initial post - almost exactly 2 years ago. And I remember now that I can do this. I was losing weight pretty steadily then from November 07 to March 08... and then I started playing kickball again in Huntington and it somehow all went to hell.
Now, I don't think kickball was the prob. I think the lifestyle I chose (/choose) to lead when I'm playing kickball IS the problem.
So- I am becoming a hermit again. As much as I can possibly stand. Fall seems to be a good time for me to keep these things in check.
Also- the long beach half marathon is Sunday. I've done LITTLE training for this but I am DETERMINED to finish even if my body hates me for it. I did 26.2 once upon a time... I can conjure up the will. I will!
I will turn 31 on September 1st, 2010 which is a Wednesday. And USC plays at Hawaii that following Labor Day weekend. I dream of a trip to that game, actually being able to fit WELL into CUTE 'sc game attire... and a hot bathing suit for Hawaii beaches.
I am also in a wedding on Feb. 13th and will have another bridesmaid dress to parade in, so that should provide ample motivation as well
But instead of making crazy year long goals of hundreds of pounds... I am keeping things simple. 10 lbs in 1 month. My goal is to drop 10 lbs by November 1st, 2009.
And that is ALL I am going to focus on-- nothing else. I will not look beyond Nov 1st and I think everything's gonna be ok.
7.29.2009
prison
Maybe the point is not to do something crazy... maybe the point is to ingrain the little things into everyday life.
Or... I could go to The Biggest Loser Audition on Saturday...
God. I could run a marathon- with the weight....
Imagine what I could do if I could just drop it. Just set it down. Just let it go.
If I could run a marathon ... why can't I seem to do THIS?
It was a public commitment. It was for a cause. It had a finite time limit.
Have I given up? I keep seeing these previews for "more to love" and I think about how reality tv is catching up to reality... (ya ya, i know, but you see my point). I think to myself- I should be on that show... but I don't WANT to be on THAT show.
I want to find love because I'm truly happy with myself. And I'm not- with this weight. So it must wait. And I am putting my whole life on hold. My whole, entire, life. Everything waits.
Someday- someday when I'm thin. Someday when I can wear the clothes I want. Someday when I don't struggle EVERY day to figure how to camouflage the fat, and the prison it represents.
I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the one time I started to achieve things I really wanted at the end of high school was when I was taking phen-fen. I remember the outfit I wore on my 17th birthday, exactly. It's the tiniest outfit I've ever owned in my entire life.
I'm very very very close to actually considering surgical options. Almost. I really don't want to. But my 30th birthday is almost exactly one month away and I am miserable because I am already dreading the photos. Already.
And despite the misery over it - I can't seem to effect change. I hold myself in prison. And nothing seems to matter.
I went BACK to weight watchers today. I have a weightloss history on their books dating back to 2002. How different would my life be right now if I'd taken the time to figure this out then?
I had the discipline to do that freaking marathon... somewhere within me I will find the strength to do this... now...
Or... I could go to The Biggest Loser Audition on Saturday...
God. I could run a marathon- with the weight....
Imagine what I could do if I could just drop it. Just set it down. Just let it go.
If I could run a marathon ... why can't I seem to do THIS?
It was a public commitment. It was for a cause. It had a finite time limit.
Have I given up? I keep seeing these previews for "more to love" and I think about how reality tv is catching up to reality... (ya ya, i know, but you see my point). I think to myself- I should be on that show... but I don't WANT to be on THAT show.
I want to find love because I'm truly happy with myself. And I'm not- with this weight. So it must wait. And I am putting my whole life on hold. My whole, entire, life. Everything waits.
Someday- someday when I'm thin. Someday when I can wear the clothes I want. Someday when I don't struggle EVERY day to figure how to camouflage the fat, and the prison it represents.
I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the one time I started to achieve things I really wanted at the end of high school was when I was taking phen-fen. I remember the outfit I wore on my 17th birthday, exactly. It's the tiniest outfit I've ever owned in my entire life.
I'm very very very close to actually considering surgical options. Almost. I really don't want to. But my 30th birthday is almost exactly one month away and I am miserable because I am already dreading the photos. Already.
And despite the misery over it - I can't seem to effect change. I hold myself in prison. And nothing seems to matter.
I went BACK to weight watchers today. I have a weightloss history on their books dating back to 2002. How different would my life be right now if I'd taken the time to figure this out then?
I had the discipline to do that freaking marathon... somewhere within me I will find the strength to do this... now...
5.31.2009
the urgency
I have about 4 drafts of posts I've written over the last couple months. I couldn't click "publish post." I think this is mainly b/c it was extensively "stream of consciousness" writing-- though that's never stopped me before... So maybe I don't really know why I didn't publish them. Maybe I just wasn't ready.
In any case-- people have been asking about the blog and where I am at with it all. The answer to that is that I've gotten everywhere- and nowhere- all at once.
I am at a standstill on any actual concrete losses. I've fluctuated in my weight watcher attendance, and in my weight. But mentally, I've shifted.
I feel desperation settling in the pit of my overly large stomach.
Back in Nov. '06 when I started this blog and was actually pretty successful at taking some of the weight off... I was desperate then too. It's a feeling unlike anything I can truly describe. It's the knowing, with absolute certainty, that if something is not done NOW, I might die, soon. And I will definitely be miserable leading up to that day. It's the feeling of not being good enough. And it feels disgusting. Because in the end, this life or death feeling can be conquered. It doesn't have to be that. It's not an uncontrollable illness (at least not in the traditional sense). And it should be something that can be conquered. It should be.
That anxiousness is starting to take hold again. The urgency. The self-disgust that propels into action instead of paralyzing into stillness. I will not be sedentary. I refuse.
I've hired a trainer. So what?
I'm following Weight Watchers. And?
It doesn't seem like any of the proactive steps I've taken are helping. And I think it's because I'm just going through the motions.
I need to be working out 2-4 hours/day. 2 in the a.m. and 2 at night.
I need to not just be watching "points" but food's nutritional value and timing and metabolism.
I need to be doing MORE.
I am not doing enough to effect change. I'm going to have to become a hermit again for a little while. That's the only way I know how to do this successfully. I cannot be in control of this and be social. I cannot meet you for dinner, or lunch. I cannot set foot in a bar. I do not know how to be a normal person AND succeed at this at the same time.
I tossed out old and crappy food & will soon be visiting Trader Joe's to stock up on healthiness.
I will be at the gym at 6am tomorrow. I'm back to going public w/ my quest because lord knows I can only use more accountability. I hate it, but I need it.
Starting again. Ugh. I've done it a million times. I still refuse to give up.
I feel determined. I may even apply to the Biggest Loser show. Really, I just might. Because I don't want to have surgery. I don't want the lapband, nor gastric bypass, nor do I think I'm going to be able to do this thru any "normal" means anymore.
I'm going to have to do something CRAZY! And I'm going to do it-- I just haven't figured out what "it" is yet...
In any case-- people have been asking about the blog and where I am at with it all. The answer to that is that I've gotten everywhere- and nowhere- all at once.
I am at a standstill on any actual concrete losses. I've fluctuated in my weight watcher attendance, and in my weight. But mentally, I've shifted.
I feel desperation settling in the pit of my overly large stomach.
Back in Nov. '06 when I started this blog and was actually pretty successful at taking some of the weight off... I was desperate then too. It's a feeling unlike anything I can truly describe. It's the knowing, with absolute certainty, that if something is not done NOW, I might die, soon. And I will definitely be miserable leading up to that day. It's the feeling of not being good enough. And it feels disgusting. Because in the end, this life or death feeling can be conquered. It doesn't have to be that. It's not an uncontrollable illness (at least not in the traditional sense). And it should be something that can be conquered. It should be.
That anxiousness is starting to take hold again. The urgency. The self-disgust that propels into action instead of paralyzing into stillness. I will not be sedentary. I refuse.
I've hired a trainer. So what?
I'm following Weight Watchers. And?
It doesn't seem like any of the proactive steps I've taken are helping. And I think it's because I'm just going through the motions.
I need to be working out 2-4 hours/day. 2 in the a.m. and 2 at night.
I need to not just be watching "points" but food's nutritional value and timing and metabolism.
I need to be doing MORE.
I am not doing enough to effect change. I'm going to have to become a hermit again for a little while. That's the only way I know how to do this successfully. I cannot be in control of this and be social. I cannot meet you for dinner, or lunch. I cannot set foot in a bar. I do not know how to be a normal person AND succeed at this at the same time.
I tossed out old and crappy food & will soon be visiting Trader Joe's to stock up on healthiness.
I will be at the gym at 6am tomorrow. I'm back to going public w/ my quest because lord knows I can only use more accountability. I hate it, but I need it.
Starting again. Ugh. I've done it a million times. I still refuse to give up.
I feel determined. I may even apply to the Biggest Loser show. Really, I just might. Because I don't want to have surgery. I don't want the lapband, nor gastric bypass, nor do I think I'm going to be able to do this thru any "normal" means anymore.
I'm going to have to do something CRAZY! And I'm going to do it-- I just haven't figured out what "it" is yet...
4.05.2009
3.28.2009
revealed or not
I wanted to lose 3 lbs this week. I didn't. I lost 1.4lbs. I'm ok with it. I am headed in the right direction again, finally.
I just ate a red velvet cupcake that calorieking.com tells me works out to about 12 points. Oops. I'm just going to have to make a huge lovely salad for dinner tonight, and maybe go for a walk, to help out w/ that.
I have aspirations to get the eating under real control again in the next few weeks and then kick up the exercise. A trainer might be in order - for real. Hehe.
This is a lifelong business and I just can't expect it to magically happen overnight... but at the same time I can't use that as an excuse to fall off the food/exercise wagon.
I'm in overhaul mode -which I do. I get into these modes periodically and determine to reform my life to make it match the picture in my head.
"There's only us- There's only this- Forget regret- or life is yours to miss." ~Rent
I have to get over all the time I've lived as a fat girl. It doesn't mean I must be a fat girl forever. It just seems that way.
I sit in Portfolio Coffee House right now (the provider of the evil red velvet cupcake) but also the provider of this new fave fab green iced tea (seriously- it's SO good) ... and I am listening to "I'm coming up - I want the world to know - Got to let it show"
Every moment has it's purpose, revealed or not.
I just ate a red velvet cupcake that calorieking.com tells me works out to about 12 points. Oops. I'm just going to have to make a huge lovely salad for dinner tonight, and maybe go for a walk, to help out w/ that.
I have aspirations to get the eating under real control again in the next few weeks and then kick up the exercise. A trainer might be in order - for real. Hehe.
This is a lifelong business and I just can't expect it to magically happen overnight... but at the same time I can't use that as an excuse to fall off the food/exercise wagon.
I'm in overhaul mode -which I do. I get into these modes periodically and determine to reform my life to make it match the picture in my head.
"There's only us- There's only this- Forget regret- or life is yours to miss." ~Rent
I have to get over all the time I've lived as a fat girl. It doesn't mean I must be a fat girl forever. It just seems that way.
I sit in Portfolio Coffee House right now (the provider of the evil red velvet cupcake) but also the provider of this new fave fab green iced tea (seriously- it's SO good) ... and I am listening to "I'm coming up - I want the world to know - Got to let it show"
Every moment has it's purpose, revealed or not.
3.22.2009
believing ~ needing ~ not giving up
I went back to Weight Watchers today.
I've had an iced triple grande nonfat latte w/ splenda, and a croissant. That's about 14 points. I used to get about 30-33 points in a day... I'll have to recalculate...
I have TONS of healthy stuff in my house that I plan to make for dinner tonight... I will not eat fast food! I will not I will not I will not.
Also- and this is going to sound ridiculous... but I'm going to be able to exercise more b/c I've found I can actually wear my hair curly and not straighten. I know that seems like a feeble excuse but you just have NO idea how much work it is to straighten my hair. Even if you think you know- you do not. And so having found a way to go curly and not hate it is actually going to improve my work out motivation. I know that seems nuts but it's actually a HUGE deal and I'm so happy about it.
Last March, I'd lost almost 30 lbs and had reached my 10 % weightloss goal. Most of that weight is back so I'll be focusing on my 5% goal first... 14 lbs.
The 1st week back is usually great - I could, in theory lose 5 lbs this week if I'm really good about it. And I plan to be. So, from there out, if I work out AND watch the eating, I can do about 2lbs/week. I'm looking at about 6 weeks here to hit this goal. IF I kick my own ass. Playing this game is dangerous. It sets up expectations. But I'm about 2 months away from a wedding & bachelorette party in Vegas to attend... and about 5months out from my 30th birthday. So god help me, I am DOING this NOW!
The other thing is that I might have to stop drinking, period. I'm not sure I can eliminate this aspect of my life entirely right now. Right now I'm looking at a once/week rule. Counting the points in alcohol just isn't enough. It somehow makes your body hang on to the fat. It makes working out harder. It leads to more smoking which is also awful. So... once/week. That's it.
I'm thinking about a run/walk every morning. And I'm thinking about doing the LB Half Marathon in October. I listen to my body and I hear it laughing at me. I don't know how I ever ran a marathon but I am immensely thankful I did that because it allows my brain to believe that I can do ANYTHING. And I need that right now. I need to hold on to the belief that I can push myself into normal sized clothing. And that marathon is maybe the only thing giving that to me right now.
I took a year off from watching the food & exercise. Ultimately. And so I start again. Like so many other times. I can't even tell you how this time is different. But I won't give up on myself.
I've had an iced triple grande nonfat latte w/ splenda, and a croissant. That's about 14 points. I used to get about 30-33 points in a day... I'll have to recalculate...
I have TONS of healthy stuff in my house that I plan to make for dinner tonight... I will not eat fast food! I will not I will not I will not.
Also- and this is going to sound ridiculous... but I'm going to be able to exercise more b/c I've found I can actually wear my hair curly and not straighten. I know that seems like a feeble excuse but you just have NO idea how much work it is to straighten my hair. Even if you think you know- you do not. And so having found a way to go curly and not hate it is actually going to improve my work out motivation. I know that seems nuts but it's actually a HUGE deal and I'm so happy about it.
Last March, I'd lost almost 30 lbs and had reached my 10 % weightloss goal. Most of that weight is back so I'll be focusing on my 5% goal first... 14 lbs.
The 1st week back is usually great - I could, in theory lose 5 lbs this week if I'm really good about it. And I plan to be. So, from there out, if I work out AND watch the eating, I can do about 2lbs/week. I'm looking at about 6 weeks here to hit this goal. IF I kick my own ass. Playing this game is dangerous. It sets up expectations. But I'm about 2 months away from a wedding & bachelorette party in Vegas to attend... and about 5months out from my 30th birthday. So god help me, I am DOING this NOW!
The other thing is that I might have to stop drinking, period. I'm not sure I can eliminate this aspect of my life entirely right now. Right now I'm looking at a once/week rule. Counting the points in alcohol just isn't enough. It somehow makes your body hang on to the fat. It makes working out harder. It leads to more smoking which is also awful. So... once/week. That's it.
I'm thinking about a run/walk every morning. And I'm thinking about doing the LB Half Marathon in October. I listen to my body and I hear it laughing at me. I don't know how I ever ran a marathon but I am immensely thankful I did that because it allows my brain to believe that I can do ANYTHING. And I need that right now. I need to hold on to the belief that I can push myself into normal sized clothing. And that marathon is maybe the only thing giving that to me right now.
I took a year off from watching the food & exercise. Ultimately. And so I start again. Like so many other times. I can't even tell you how this time is different. But I won't give up on myself.
2.16.2009
must
This was a draft on 2/16, after I barely completed Bootcamp... a month later I'm ready to publish because I know what's coming next now...
***
Alright. Bootcamp is over. I stuck it out - mostly. But I don't think its totally for me. Maybe I just didn't click w/ the trainers. Or maybe I just hate push-ups. I did LUV the "hill" days where we had to run signal hill so I might go torture myself on my own sometimes when I want a hard run... which, when is that? But- you get the idea.
I am looking into personal training. I get bored. I have exercise ADD. I can't keep doing the same thing. I might go back to Pilates - both at 24 hr fitness & at the JCC.
I think time at the JCC would be good for me (no commentary from those of you who are haters- you know who you are). ... And it would be good for me to wear some Beach Equities stuff in the gym there. Overall, it'd be good for business. I'd totally be that girl- but maybe I am her. Eh, even I can't buy that. For those of you unfamiliar w/ the JCC - its just a *whole* lotta social politics. I have a luv-hate relationship w/ "the center" but... they have a really great gym.
I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers- but I think maybe I should. I'm not really that great at holding myself accountable.
I want to be independently wealthy so I can have a trainer, a nutritionist/chef, and a housekeeper. Alright - only 2 out of 3 are weightloss related but a girl can dream. But you know- even having the chef would not really problem-solve for me.
I LIKE TO GO OUT! I hate staying home period - so I hate staying home for meals.
This is ironic for me to type after making a lovely breakfast for myself, sipping my delish hazelnut coffee, while I stay in on my couch and out of the rain- not leaving my house. But this is not the norm.
I feel like I think and say the same things over and over and over and over again.
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry
And again~
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry.
Must find husband...
I think they are all connected and I won't touch any of them w/ a 10 foot pole if I can help it.
I hate doing laundry b/c if I have clean clothes and "don't have anything to wear" then it's my fault. The clothes, connected to the weight, connected to the health- and the confidence necessary to develop a great relationship... to not having that confidence... to sitting on my couch not doing laundry. Ahh the cycle.
I do everything for everybody else. I'm tired of working to please everyone else (except my clients - I still want to please them) :)
[This is where the contemplation trailed off and I got back to work...]
***
Alright. Bootcamp is over. I stuck it out - mostly. But I don't think its totally for me. Maybe I just didn't click w/ the trainers. Or maybe I just hate push-ups. I did LUV the "hill" days where we had to run signal hill so I might go torture myself on my own sometimes when I want a hard run... which, when is that? But- you get the idea.
I am looking into personal training. I get bored. I have exercise ADD. I can't keep doing the same thing. I might go back to Pilates - both at 24 hr fitness & at the JCC.
I think time at the JCC would be good for me (no commentary from those of you who are haters- you know who you are). ... And it would be good for me to wear some Beach Equities stuff in the gym there. Overall, it'd be good for business. I'd totally be that girl- but maybe I am her. Eh, even I can't buy that. For those of you unfamiliar w/ the JCC - its just a *whole* lotta social politics. I have a luv-hate relationship w/ "the center" but... they have a really great gym.
I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers- but I think maybe I should. I'm not really that great at holding myself accountable.
I want to be independently wealthy so I can have a trainer, a nutritionist/chef, and a housekeeper. Alright - only 2 out of 3 are weightloss related but a girl can dream. But you know- even having the chef would not really problem-solve for me.
I LIKE TO GO OUT! I hate staying home period - so I hate staying home for meals.
This is ironic for me to type after making a lovely breakfast for myself, sipping my delish hazelnut coffee, while I stay in on my couch and out of the rain- not leaving my house. But this is not the norm.
I feel like I think and say the same things over and over and over and over again.
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry
And again~
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry.
Must find husband...
I think they are all connected and I won't touch any of them w/ a 10 foot pole if I can help it.
I hate doing laundry b/c if I have clean clothes and "don't have anything to wear" then it's my fault. The clothes, connected to the weight, connected to the health- and the confidence necessary to develop a great relationship... to not having that confidence... to sitting on my couch not doing laundry. Ahh the cycle.
I do everything for everybody else. I'm tired of working to please everyone else (except my clients - I still want to please them) :)
[This is where the contemplation trailed off and I got back to work...]
1.05.2009
day 1 down...
I survived day 1 of bootcamp this a.m.
I have a smoker hacking cough.
I'm quitting. Even though I kind of want a cigarette even as I type that.
I'm quitting. For good.
I made a smoothie, and coffee. I will eat every 4 hours or so. And I will not make crazy rules for myself. I will just do the best I can.
I joined their weightloss challenge. $20 into the pot. $2 per lb gained. It works like biggest loser - the person w/ the highest % of weight lost wins the pot - or the top 6 ppl do or something like that.
Dude- I am totally going to WIN this shit. Nothing like a little competition to motivate!
I'm going to be sore tomorrow... and there is a "hill" day looming up on signal hill... talk to me then.
I have a smoker hacking cough.
I'm quitting. Even though I kind of want a cigarette even as I type that.
I'm quitting. For good.
I made a smoothie, and coffee. I will eat every 4 hours or so. And I will not make crazy rules for myself. I will just do the best I can.
I joined their weightloss challenge. $20 into the pot. $2 per lb gained. It works like biggest loser - the person w/ the highest % of weight lost wins the pot - or the top 6 ppl do or something like that.
Dude- I am totally going to WIN this shit. Nothing like a little competition to motivate!
I'm going to be sore tomorrow... and there is a "hill" day looming up on signal hill... talk to me then.
1.04.2009
this time around
Well the time has come to get back on the wagon. I'm about a net 10 lbs down from when I started LAST Thanksgiving... when I started... when I started trying... when I started admitting... when I started caring, or admitting that care... when I started wanting, badly, enough... to take action.
And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.
If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.
The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.
That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.
But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.
It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.
I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.
But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.
The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)
I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.
Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.
I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.
I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...
And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.
If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.
The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.
That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.
But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.
It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.
I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.
But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.
The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)
I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.
Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.
I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.
I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...
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