My old mantra: your body will forgive you; your mind never will.

So, I have determined... the efforts must be increased if I am going to see the success I want. Shortly, I am taking myself on a walk in Belmont. I believe I have a full afternoon and evening of work ahead of me, so I am taking this a.m. time to do what I need to do for my health. There will be a walk, and then there will be tea (no croissant) and journaling at Peet's Coffee on 2nd St. This is my plan.

I'm thinking about a personal trainer. I'm not really sure about the cost. It seems slightly outrageous. But then again, I'm trying to put it into perspective. These dollars spent now to help me in this effort are likely going to prevent me from having more serious health problems in the future, that will also cost $. Like major surgery kinds of $. So really, I'm saving myself money in the long-run. I hope you enjoy the rationalization... I put a lot of effort into coming up with it. ;)

Additionally... I put together my running schedule for the LB Half... at least, the "long-run" schedule...

July:
06th 2miles
13th 3miles
20th 4miles
27th 5miles
Aug:
03rd 6miles
10th 8miles
17th 4miles
24th 10miles
31st 5miles
Sept:
07th 12miles
14th 6miles
20th 14miles
28th 7miles
Oct:
5th 5miles
13th RACE DAY!

I set it up like my old marathon schedule... it could change after I do a little more reading on the half schedules. Thank god my RunnersWorld magazine is finally gonna be put to use again...

Ok, so I did the r-world reading just now, in the midst of this posting, and I used their schedule maker... and I might follow this instead... (see below). It's a little hard to read cut & pasted below, but all you may want to see is the week on the left, and the Sunday run distance on the right. The real draw of this schedule instead of mine is that it only goes up to 10miles before the race.

Wk	Dat	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	6/30 7/6	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run : 2mi @18:22	6 miles
2	7/7 7/13	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	7 miles
3	7/14 7/20	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:22	9 miles
4	7/21 7/27	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 5mi @18:22	10 miles
5	7/28 8/3	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
6	8/4 8/10	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 2x1600@15:26 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
7	8/11 8/17	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	14 miles
8	8/18 8/24	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:30; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	15 miles
9	8/25 8/31	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 3x1600@15:17 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	17 miles
10	9/1 9/7	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	12 miles
11	9/8 9/14	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:20; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	18 miles
12	9/15 9/21	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:29; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @18:00	20 miles
13	9/22 9/28	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 8mi, inc Warm; 4x1600@15:07 w/800 jogs; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @17:49	21 miles
14	9/29 10/5	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:19; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 10mi @17:49	21 miles
15	10/6 10/12	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:31; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Race Day Dist: Half-Marathon Good Luck!	20 miles

Oh my goodness there is so much at runnersworld that I don't know what to do with myself. So many plans to follow. And you know how I love a good plan or list or calendar that tells me what to do.

Here are a few of my current interests:
Your Ultimate Half-Marathon Training Plan
The Ten Rules of Weightloss
The Best Foods for Runners
Music is Motivation

I totally forgot how much I luv that website- AND how useful it is.

I'm not sure what has triggered this re-found (as opposed to new-found) inspiration... maybe its the heat & sunshine, or maybe I hit my happy hour wall, or maybe I'm just allowing myself to remember what it felt like to train for that marathon and how proud I was of myself for doing something so huge. Then again, maybe I've just hit a good hormonal level today... Who knows? But I'm going to hang onto this feeling (& attached determination) for as long as I can.

Last week, people I hadn't seen in a long time commented about how great I looked- which I thought was funny- b/c I forget I've lost a noticeable amount of weight since November-ish... but now it's time to lose another chunk of noticeable amount of weight... however I have to trick myself into it...

the shopping high

So- I went shopping yesterday. And I think instead of depriving myself of shopping all this time... I should allow it. B/c I feel WAY better about myself in clothes I like than in clothes I'm sick of having to wear b/c nothing else fits.

Also... I bought a bathing suit! And I actually LOVE it! Shocking I know.

Here's a pic of the top- the bottoms I got are also pink, and a skirt, not shorts...


I can't believe I'm so happy about my shopping outing but I am. I got lots of new fun stuff. And even though I hope to shrink and not be able to wear it all for that long... in the short-term, it's a definite confidence boost that is necessary to maintain the morale to keep up the weightloss efforts.

Also, I am really, actually, really, going to do the LB Half Marathon. I didn't sign up to train w/ the LB Beach Runners like I wanted to- they started in May. But I counted out the weeks, (you know how I love lists & calendars) and I still have enough time to gradually get up to 14miles, and taper for 2 weeks before the race. Hopefully October will be good running weather. A friend of mine is doing the Disneyland Half- so now I'll feel like a slacker if I give up this goal of mine to do the LB Half. There's nothing like faux competition to motivate a girl to put her tennis shoes on.

I've gotten kind of messy in the last 3 weeks or so. It's time to put it all back together. Unfortunately that includes a regimented schedule, and regimented eating & drinking. I'll have to come up with a plan... that I actually like...

28 going on 15

I was investigating gastric bypass sites, and tummy tuck / body contouring plastic surgery sites. Ironically, I think both the "before" AND the "after" pictures are gross.

I actually ate a bean&cheese burrito from Chano's this weekend. The fast food is fully in effect.

In a matter of 2 weeks, I've totally put on like 10 lbs. The damage is not small. Destruction. It's so much easier.

There is an article in the July issue of Marie Claire about how losing weight lost this girl all her friends... b/c she was their go-to fun person, or go-to venting person. They wanted to indulge in chocolate and wine once a week, and she was doing it virtually every day. They wanted her along for the ride to make themselves feel better, and she was happy to comply.

The LSAT studying is over. My schedule is free flowing again. And I hate it.

My dishwasher is broken... hence the fast food mentioned above.

It's too hot to run. And besides that, I don't want to.

I could type that its going to change- that with this post I am turning it all around. But really, I'm going to go to Starbucks or Peet's and get a latte and a croissant. And not exercise.

The more I learn and the more I realize how badly I really really want to do this, the less successful I seem to get.

Yesterday, I was actually thinking how great it is that food has such a huge power over me. I thought, "If I can't get the calm and the tranquility (or, the "fix") from food, I think I could really be a drug addict." I was actually thinking "Thank god the socially acceptable normal vices do the trick for me." ... Who thinks like that?

There are treatments for people with bulimia or anorexia. If there is a medical treatment for emotional over eating, I either haven't found it, or I don't accept it. When I was little, I knew I was overeating... and because you know people talk to the tweens about those 2 things, I actually thought I should try to throw up b/c I didn't fit the whole description.

The profile didn't match. And that's all any teenage girl really wants, is to fit in- with her friends, with guys, and with clothes. Diagnosis? I might be twenty-eight going on fifteen.

thankful permission

I've been re-reading some of this content here... and man was I depressed about not being able to lose the weight in the way and in the time I deemed it should be. I am really incredibly hard on myself and its just really time for that to stop.

I'm still going to struggle with this but I'm so thankful that today, I have a better perspective. Something about hitting that 10% freed me to focus on how I'm going to handle everything from here on out. It's not going to be the same. I don't want it to be.

I've had a shitty week in terms of eating- b/c I'm stressed- and I know it- and I'm allowing it this week. Next week, when the LSAT is over, I'll get it back under control.

And one day, eventually, I won't need to eat thru the stress. But today, I do. And rather than letting that upset me... I'm remaining calm in the fact that I know I can fix it next week. Permission. I have permission to not be perfect this week, and that is making all the difference in the world today.

victory

I did it. I hit my 10% mark! I got a pretty gold-ish keychain in the form of a number 10.

It was fantastic, and really anti-climatic.

I am really happy though.

But I've already moved on and have the new goal set in front of me. My next "5%" before the end of summer. Basically I want to lose another 13-15 lbs by Labor Day, which also happens to be my birthday. I'm going smaller in terms of the number attached to the goal b/c it'll feel more concrete, and less like a never-ending agonizing saga.

This is the VERY 1st time I've ever hit my 10% goal and I honestly think it's because even though I struggled the last couple of months, I finally didn't want to just give up. I had some sort of acceptance about the fact that even though it was hard and I was facing a few setbacks, I would still DO it. There was no option of "oh maybe I'll just gain all the weight back now." And I think once I eliminated some of the constraints I put on myself, is when I finally walked through it.

November to June. Approximately 30 lbs gone. It's gonna take awhile. And while I really am never going to be thrilled about that... I'm learning to accept the slowness of it.

I'm also figuring out that the final number on the scale is going to be less exciting than all the little non-scale victories along the way. And celebrating them is what's going to make this slow process tolerable... so I need to embrace them, more and more.

As long as I don't give up, it doesn't really matter how long it takes.

if it is more

Alright- I have been "reasonably" "good" about the eating this week. I have limited portions... but not of the healthiest stuff. Right now I'm eating popcorn from TJ's and am having sushi tonight for dinner.

Despite that saltiness, I "may" hit my 10% mark tomorrow. I'm under it on my home scale, but it depends on how todays eating turns out...

I'm not even going to expect it. I'm just going to show up and pray that the crazy huge gain from the wedding of 2 weekend's ago, is gone.

I remain disappointed I've let 3-4 months roll by w/o making any "real" progress. And at the same time, I'm hoping this struggle is teaching me something. I know it is although I just don't see it right now.

Do you ever get that feeling that you are poised on the brink of something? Like the little choices you make in a finite period time determine your course? Maybe it's just that I found Serendipity on tv last night, and that it makes me conjure up Sliding Doors, and that the single episode of Sex and the City I've been talking about for days came on last night, and that I felt this huge tidal wave of deja vu this morning... maybe it's just that I'm sentimental and want to add all that pop culture and randomness up to something when it's nothing ... or maybe it's more...

And if it is more, and that feeling I've got that something important is happening right now, even though nothing is happening right now... if it is more, maybe I'll soon be able to start moving forward again- in some new direction I haven't anticipated in the least...

if i had a blog, this is what it would say

I've never heard better inspiration than my own coming right back at me. (See below.) Seriously, I am not alone. And therefore, neither are any of you living with the same crap.

This is a voicemail I got last night. Sources shall remain anonymous. In any case, this is the best inspiration I've had in a long time to get myself back in gear... especially considering I broke down and went to In N Out last night when I should have been doing the same freakin thing in this message....

"Hi Paige, I'm just calling to let you know that I freaking suck at Weight Watchers and if I had a blog this is what it would say:

I went to the gym today and I could only do 15min on the stairclimber cuz I felt like CRAP cuz I ate Doritos that were left over from my ... party. So here's what I'm doing:

I'm going home and throwing the rest of the bag away in the garbage outside so I canNOT get into it unless I'm a creepy homeless person.

And I am getting up tomorrow at 5am and I'm going for a run and the reason I'm telling you this is so you can hold me accountable so feel free to call me tomorrow and see if I went for a run before work cuz hopefully I'll say yes.

Anyway hope you're doing better than me.

Actually my whole day was good until I ate the fucking Doritos- I'm so mad at myself- but anyway-

I hope you're having a good day. Sorry bout my little vent. You're worth it. Bye."

Men, these are the things that play in every woman's head at least weekly, if not daily.
We love our friends and think THEY can do great- but we don't believe in ourselves- and your society and your rules have made us that way.

We even have to apologize for it. Fuck that. I'm through apologizing. And ladies, you should be too.

Unhappy Meals

I haven't gone running. But I do have the food more on track, so far. This week, today, this hour.

But mainly, I write today so that you...

...READ THIS article from the NY Times Magazine: Unhappy Meals.

One of the best quotes from it ... "(The American Heart Association charges food makers for their endorsement.) Don’t take the silence of the yams as a sign that they have nothing valuable to say about health."

And if you just can't fathom reading the whole thing-- which makes you lazy and inept- but in any case, I still prepare for you lazy's like I often find myself -- at least scroll down to the bottom where the list (you know how I love lists) of "Beyond Nutritionism" exists.

And finally, the ice cream truck is rolling by my house. Weren't they already a throw back in the 70s and 80s? How is it they still exist?

finding the fabulous

These are the titles from the month of May...

• unperfect
• it's only me
• almost everything
• commitment I've never had before
• "my version"
• change before you have to
• Fri nights, no more ...
• the pieces
• soy milk
• skewed

It's so fitting. No pun intended. I've been twisting and swinging over some really lovely decisions. I hate decision-making. I am an information gatherer and collector and I can argue any side of an argument... and some of them have been pretty colorful lately. But having to decide things, for myself, creates an immense internal pressure to not be wrong. To not screw it up. I don't know what I think will happen if I do... certainly I can't think the world is going to end... but that's sort of how I feel about my "life" decisions.

And it is affecting my weight-loss in a serious way. Those days are over. For now. This week.
Today.

I'm using June 1st as a clean slate to start again. To revive my efforts. I wanted to try out "core" and that just doesn't fit w/ my lifestyle yet... so I'm going back to the point-counting... and will do my best to eat whole, organic foods, even if they cost me more in points (/calories, etc).

I AM getting up to go running at 7am, and then to 24Lift at 8am. That's the goal. If I do just 1 of those things... or, let's be honest- if I walk out the door w/ tennis shoes on before 8am, I'll be happy. I need the exercise back in my life. I need it to feel good. I need it to inspire me. I need it to be grateful I can do it... even when I don't want to get off my couch, or out of bed.

And I need it to ban the smoking forever... I will not be tempted if I know I need to run in the a.m. ...

I want to be back on track. And I've got it in my head... but now I've got to execute...

unperfect

Earlier in the week, my home scale said exactly the same weight it had when i was OH so close to my 10%... and in a matter of 3 days- I've added 6lbs. Now, some of that may be catching up to me from the wedding weekend over memorial day wknd... but really- I think its the last 3 days.

I've been in a total funk. I ordered cpk pick-up and not my lovely normal salad- no I went all out w/ the thai chicken pizza, and an order of the hummus. I actually put myself into a food coma. I haven't had a binge like that in quite some time. I was really, incredibly, super full. But I kept going. It forced me into sleep.

I am figuring out that I'm really incapable of coping w/ any real emotions. I'm not wired to handle it. Food is the only way I know how. And that has been ingrained in me from an extremely early age.

Sometimes I can fight it. For various extended periods of time. Sometimes "I'm being good" ... but when I'm not, man, look out. Destruction here I come. Six lbs is conquerable. I've conquered 25 or so in the past. But even as I type that- I don't really want anything healthy in my house- I want Starbucks.

I'm swinging. That's what I do. From one end of the spectrum to the other. If I can't be perfect at it- well then fuck that and watch how unperfect I can get at it. I didn't order a salad- well then I'm going to order food for 5 people.

I won't hang my clothes up b/c I hate them. They represent a kind of personal daily hell. I would live in sweats if I could. And I sort of do these days.

There are various triggers. Right now I'm looking at fear, stress, & anxiety over the unknown. Tests. Freaking tests. My bridesmaid dress that didn't really fit after all. Or, maybe it did, but it was still 3x the size of all the others on the hangers. I could probably literally have made 2 or 3 dresses out of my single one. Never being the one they want.

Never being the one they want. Always standing in the shadow. I know how to take a stage... but I find the loudest, craziest, prettiest friends to stand behind. Or I will become that- loud & crazy, if I can get cynical with you about how you're going to hook up w/ my friend, but I'll still outdrink you. And then I'm your buddy, and you adore me- b/c you know, for sure, I'm not interested. B/c I'm only interested in drinking- not you. I won't give you the chance to shut me down.

I show up to places alone. I am the friend, never the girlfriend. Or, even better, I am the hook-up, often secret, and never ever worth publicly saying "Hey, I'm with her" ... and thank god I can blame that on the fat b/c how devastated would I be if I couldn't?

And ya- none of this is really about losing weight. Except it all is. I had some success. And now I'm stuck b/c god forbid I keep succeeding. What will I do if I lose my excuse for not having the things I want? I can't imagine the pain.

I see myself sloppy drunk- fall down drunk- as a skinny girl.

B/c I won't know how to function when I fail. Right now, I've got a pretty decent status quo going and I am terrified that if I disrupt it too much... I'll lose.

And at the same time, I really don't have too much to lose... except the weight.

it's only me

I have never been someone to stand in front of the mirror and obsess about my flaws or imperfections. Its enough for me to know they're there... I don't need to scrutinize them. I've never been bulimic, and clearly not anorexic. But I am an obsessive emotional eater. And today, for some reason, I found myself standing naked in front of a mirror and assessing, in what I thought was an objective manner; but that can't really be true.

There are actually fistfuls of fat circling my body. I wondered what it would be like to be a thin, non-fat, normal person. How much more energy would I have? How many more places would I walk? How much more fun would I have shopping if I weren't forced to stick to shoes & make-up? How many more guys might actually be interested in me? How interesting and incomprehensible is it that any even are? How more active might I be? What if I weren't too heavy to go sky-diving? What kind of style would I really have? What does it cost to have a surgery to remove all the fat? I wonder if the lap-band limit would work? Would it stop me from eating? Would it make me an alcoholic like all the people who go on Oprah after having that done? What bra size do I really have if I don't count the fat? How will I ever get rid of all of this fat stuck to me? And if I do- how will I ever get myself toned? Can I ever be a normal person- will I ever stop being obese?

It's all a mask and I use it well. The fat is my excuse- for everything. Why I don't have any single thing I might, even someday, want. Because god forbid I fail. God forbid I'm not good enough. It's ok to handle all the rejection, and all the failure, and all the not-being-good-enough, so long as I have the fat to blame. But it's only me if I get rid of the fat. And I don't know how to be that lonely and that vulnerable. I don't want to give up my shield.

almost everything

My new fridge has arrived! Apparently it was JUST overdue...
Now, I knew I needed a new one... I'd been shopping...
But the heatwave put my poor ol lil overworked refurbished fridge to rest.

It was time for a brand new one and while I AM very excited about it... I'm really irritated I had to toss almost the entire contents of the old one.

However- this provides me a fantastic excuse to start fresh again w/ only super healthy contents. The fridge delivery man told me I shouldn't shop again until tomorrow when the temps have leveled out... however... I wanna go NOW! But I will wait (lest I waste even more $) ... but I am making a super organized and methodical list of meals, and ingredients.

I did have SO much in my freezer that I was never going to eat. So, it is good I can start anew and only buy what I will REALLY use... all in good time.

Ahh the babbling over fridge/freezer logistics. I'm just so happy to have a normal QUIET fridge again. It was so loud it was actually keeping me awake at night. Thank god its gone! My nerves!

In other news, I went shopping for the 1st time in a LONG time. I bought a fun new dress and beachy skirt- it made me happy.

I also had my last fitting for my bridesmaid dress yesterday. It fits. It actually looks pretty good, I think. It's a really pretty dress and I don't hate it, or hate being in it. I do wish I'd worked on toning up my arms, but oh well. Thank god I lost the weight I did, even if its not ALL I wanted to lose... b/c it really would've been a prob if I hadn't.

I'm having a mental disconnect lately. There are these little pieces of me... professional me, sexy me, studious me, athletic me, etc. and I have a vision of outfits for each of those girls and I get really frustrated when I can't execute them the way I want to. I live in a state of hiding out. I won't get dressed up. I won't do my make up or hair or anything b/c I feel like if I can't look the way I want to, what's the point. But it all comes back to that all-or-nothing problem I have. I feel like putting the work into looking nice is worthless. But that is not really true... b/c just doing the simple things like straightening my hair and putting some make-up on make me feel like a normal person and so I should do those things if for no other reason than to build confidence.

I have this problem with feeling like doing the work to have things not turn out perfectly is not worth doing the work. It is a general principle governing my actions and it needs to change. I don't know how yet.

This weekend at my weigh-in I gained 0.2 lbs. Which, I now know is definitely connected to the period. Typically, that equals a 2-3 lb. gain. So I'm pretty ok w/ the .2 gain this week-- even though I was pissed about it this weekend. But that's the thing- I was pissed about it this weekend and I derailed off my core organic eating b/c even though my head knew better- my heart felt like "what's the fucking point?"

And I feel that way about so much these days... almost everything... so it is difficult to rally. I know how to ... I just can't seem to make myself want to on a consistent basis.

Right now, I am excited about restocking my new fridge w/ healthy yummy food. But I don't know how to work thru the next thing that is going to set me off and make me upset that I have to "live the good life" in order to actually live the good life.

commitment I've never had before

I weigh-in tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time REALLY expecting to have lost... and to have hit my 10% goal. And if you don't know by now, you should learn my opinion about expectation-- it is the root of all heartache.

Anyhow, I started this, for real, in November. I wasn't working that hard at it until then... or maybe not at all... so 6 months. 30 lbs. That's a 5lb/month average... which is about 1.25 lbs/wk.
Realistically, I could have hit this mark in February or March- if I hadn't developed various mental blocks about it. And worked a little harder, and more consistently. If I had- it would've been 30 lbs. over 4 months- averaging 7.5 lbs/month- at 1.8 lbs/wk.

If I can continue to fall somewhere in between those 2... lets say an average of 1.5 per week... from my current weight, I'll reach the 100s in 44 weeks, or 11 months. That'll be 199. So my goal to get to 160, will still take me from May 09 to the end of next year, probably. But at that point, I'll look and feel SO much better. At that point it'll be about 100 lbs gone. At that point, summer will be coming again and maybe I'll actually buy a new bathing suit. Its not going to happen this summer, but it's ok b/c I'm still working at it... slowly, and maybe not even steadily, but with a commitment I've never had before...

I really truly expect to hit that mark tomorrow and I'm not gonna lie- I'm going to be pretty upset if I do not... but I'll still know, it's just 1 more week away. But each week, I want to continue to see that measured progress. I've done pretty well w/ the food this week - and each day it is a struggle to make the small proper choices- dressing on the side please, etc etc.

And its just so hard to keep doing the "right" things if you don't see the payoff. So I'm really hoping tomorrow it all comes together for me- and I get my super cheezy 10% keychain that will probably break in a week... but I want it.

And really wanting things is so hard for me - I don't trust. I don't believe they will happen for me. I used to... and somewhere along the way, I lost that. usc drama, men, friends... I've got to let go. I've got to accept the fact that the past could've been any different, and forgive myself.

I don't really know how to do that- but I'm working on it.

"my version"

Here is a current full body shot. Ya- its a sideturn w/ a baggy jacket- but I think its a reasonable representation of my current status...
I'm growing my hair long- and trying to keep it straight- b/c I think I look thinner that way. I am so lame. :)

Also- I'm already down on my home scale for the week. I've been sticking to "my version" of the WW "Core Plan" and I think its going pretty well. It does require eating at home more- but I'm ok w/ that. And I am gonna sign up for more Hipcooks classes.

Lindsey came and made stuffed green bell peppers w/ me on Sunday. SO yummy- we stuffed w/ a ground turkey concoction. They are only 3 points- but also core. I made the leftover turkey mix into a sort of healthy sloppy joe w/ some frozen whole wheat buns I'd had on Monday and I'm throwing the last little bit into pasta today. I hate leftovers- I'm so proud of myself.

I have a little list of things to pick up at the store today: chocolate soy milk, apples, bananas, grapes, low-sodium popcorn, whole wheat tortillas & salsa ... and to stock up on: my new faves- organic apple granola cereal, pom-green tea & kettle-brewed green-white tea...

I think it's going to be ok. I think I can change the bad stuff and even eventually get pretty good at the good stuff.

Also- for everyone not commenting here and emailing instead :) I really appreciate all of your messages. I'm glad you can relate.

change before you have to

I lost 2.4 lbs this week- which counts for the last 2 weeks since I didn't really weigh-in last week. I am 0.6 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been struggling to hit since the end of Feb/Mar.

I am almost there... and I should be able to hit it next Saturday at my regular meeting.
There are some factors to consider though. One is that I've started blood pressure medication, and a daily vitamin. I'm not sure what effect this will have on my day-to-day weight. I have however quit smoking and quit using salt on anything and have avoided eating foods out that may have high salt contents- so that should all work in my favor. I've increased pom/green tea & white/green tea & water consumption... which should also help. The period is always a monthly factor with the scale and I'm never quite sure about when that one's gonna take it's toll. And aside from the pure science- I could go off the psychological deep end about it and sabotage myself since I am SO freakin close to success. I am trying to be really aware of all of these factors- and accept them, and still maintain that come hell or high water, I WILL lose those 0.6 THIS week.

I know organic core plan living is not going to come easy for me. Much as I want to do the core plan, I think what I am actually going to be doing is still counting points while eating *mostly* core foods. I'm not sure I'm totally there yet. I really like my organic apple granola cereal - which- while healthy- is higher in calories, so, more point-y, and not totally core b/c of some of the brown rice sugars in it. Core is almost a sort of sugar busters diet and I may not be ready to cut all sugar- I may only be ready to choose the "healthier" sugars. I'm not going to go so far to the extreme that I give up entirely. I have been pretty full since starting this so I think I am choosing better foods that have MUCH more nutritional value and satiety- levels...

Up for tackling this week: eliminating extra sugar-y alcoholic beverages & exercising daily.

Fri nights, no more ...

I am signing up for the Long Beach Half Marathon...

Beach Runners

is the organization I'm signing up with. Training is on Saturdays at 7am. It's already started but the kick-off party is not until Wed. 5/14... so I can still join.

The ICB LB 1/2 Marathon will be held on Sunday October 12th --> mark your calendars!

I went in for my 1st physical in a long long time just before the marathon training around Sept 05. But I went to more of a sports doctor- not a GP, and not an internist. And while I really liked that doc- and would totally recommend him- and went to his office for PT for a random kickball mishap w/ my knee-- that Dr. was not totally what I needed.

This time around- I know more. First of all, I know what I'm getting myself into. That was not true w/ the full marathon. God- no one knows what 26.2 is unless you've done it.

But 13.1 miles is WAY more manageable. And even as I say that- I remember a 12 mile run in which I wanted to lay down near Griffith Park in valley until dusk. But I didn't - I kept going. And I'll do that here and now. And Long Beach, typically, has great running weather- even in the summer. As long as you're out there early enough.

And apparently I need the threat of pain to get me out the door to exercise. I WILL run 2x a week b/c I can't show up to my Saturday training run and let the other people down by dragging. You just have to keep up.

I also remember when knocking out 8miles early on Sat a.m. was "easy breezy" - granted it was Fall in the Marina and not so hot as this will be... but this will only be 13- instead of 26. Once I get those 8 back- I'll be in good shape. Getting up to the 8 again is whats going to take some work...

New shoes are in order. Hurray!

the pieces

I'm really sleepy & sliding into caffeine withdrawal. I need some black tea.

I had organic apple granola cereal & nonfat milk sprinkled w/ some ground flaxseed.
I had a cup of pomegranate green tea / juice.

I also had an organic peanut butter granola bar- the least healthy of all the items... but a girl's gotta start somewhere.

I am soon pouring some kettle brewed green & white tea and I'm not gonna lie- I may still need the starbucks iced black coffee to get me thru.

It's gonna go like this. The caffeine... is gonna help get me thru the sugar & nicotine withdrawals. When it comes time to get rid of the caffeine, WAY down the road, it's gonna get ugly. But hopefully I'll be a waaay healthier girl by then and will be stronger to handle it.

I didn't buy the stevia at the store. I contemplated it. I had it in my cart... but I have a whole box of splenda in my house and I just feel bad throwing that away. I need to bake something to use it all up- and give it away. Then I can, with a peaceful mind, go get the stevia.

I've reviewed some of the core plan on the WW website. I forgot deli meats are not included. So, I'll just have to order the chicken breast at subway or togo's today. That will not be organic, but we're working on baby steps here.

I also don't think I bought nearly enough of the brown rice/couscous family of stuff-- I'll need more of that.

I think also that maybe hipcooks shouldn't be my rewards. I'm thinking maybe that hipcooks should be part of my life so that I can get better at experimenting and trying new stuff and having fun in my kitchen.

This is going to be a crucial element to doing this successfully-- cooking.

I think my go-to meal over the summer is going to be grilled chicken and veggie skewers. It's easy- I can make it w/o screwing it up, and I like it a lot.

I have done this. I have gotten myself to this place. And I am the only one who can get myself out of it.

soy milk

Alright folks, remember November? It was all shiny and new... and I was so optimistic. I ventured into "dark and twisty" land but I'm working my way back to shiny and happy.

Today I had a "complete" physical. I will spare you the details of all the tests that entails but let me assure you, it was in fact, complete. My health is emerging as a focal point of my life. Central to every aspect of everything. Understand some of what you get here will be too detailed, and some of it will be super glossy.

Nevertheless, it is all significant and impacting the weight loss journey.

~ I have high blood pressure- I'm going back on medication for this.
~ I have "possibly" a fatty liver- I am severely limiting my alcohol.
~ My lungs first had the age of a 50 yr old, then the age of a 36 yr old (after inhaler)-- yes, I've already quit, but I'm quitting smoking, again.

And these are just the highlights... I don't even have blood work back yet.

I am changing my diet. The goal is to eventually go organic. I'm testing it out right now. I also need to eat NO salt whatsoever and that is going to be a big adjustment for me.

Weight Watchers has a program called "core" ... its a little different than "points" ... and starting Saturday, that's what I'll be doing. I'm starting it now, but still watching the points b/c its difficult to make a switch like this mid-week. Core involves lean meats, whole grains, nonfat dairy, fruits & veggies, etc. You do not have to "count"- you just have to eat foods that are "core"... and this has ALWAYS been difficult for me b/c I eat so much processed food. And restaurant food. And lean cuisines. And alcohol. Etc etc.

But I've already gone grocery shopping. I am fully stocked and prepared to undertake this. I'm not gonna lie-- it's going to be REALLY hard for me. I am totally hooked on refined and processed sugars. I am going to go through withdrawal and I am prepared for that. It's not going to be cute. I get 35 points in a week for non-core foods. Which, I need for food, not beverages. For example, to count the bread in a turkey sandwich... So I need to plan for that.

But basically, I need an overhaul. This is just a small piece of everything going on with me. But I am overhauling my life... and it is only going to be for the better. In November, I was so quickly successful w/ WW b/c it was new and interesting to me still and I was motivated. I'd been on the verge of losing that until I had an awakening w/ my doctor.

I would like to live to a ripe healthy old age and I am not anywhere on that path right now. Right now I'm headed for a heart attack or stroke at 30 and the reality of that - not just the talk but real cold hard truth of that- is finally starting to sink and settle in with me.

The motivation is back!
I'm not about to let my lifestyle steal my life from me.

skewed

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If anyone chastises you for focusing small, you'll have the last laugh. It's the details that make or break your project. -- LA Times 5/5/08

That's my horoscope for today. Of COURSE it is.

I didn't walk- and I didn't weigh-in this weekend. Don't worry, I'm going bright and early Monday a.m.- oh wait, that's now.

I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little. I'm not really sure as I haven't been stepping on my home scale. As of the middle of last week, I was down... but things change in an instant.

A phone call. Good news or bad. A missed deadline. Getting unexpectedly sucked back into anticipation and hoping-- only to realize again you were right to be jaded in the first place.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"

"Forgiveness is accepting that the past could have been any different"

Well I've stopped expecting, and I don't really forgive much either.

Researching a hypothetical death. It should've been Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles.

I think I'm counting points. So worthless- oh wait- that's what might keep me alive longer. Pay attention.

I'm hungry right now. What if I just had a cigarette and a tall drink of water instead? A glass of water won't quench the thirst alone.

"I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little." ... not weight, perspective.

I already don't want to go though

So, I am up a little bit after this weekend's weigh-in... but effectively, I am down about 2.5 per week for the last 2 weeks. At least, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. I knew that 7lb loss couldn't be sustained.

However, I am exactly, precisely 3 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been trying to hit, well, forever, but more specifically since March. I am going to work really hard this week. I just made a fresh batch of iced green tea. I bought WW 2 point bars which are so yummy. I have not restocked my fridge- but I think I'm ok for the week... I need to actually USE what I have. Which is always my problem.

I really want to go running every morning this week but I have a lot of work in front of me this and that tends to take over sometimes. We will see. Honestly any exercise at this point would be better than what is occuring now, so I'm gonna go with that. Maybe I'll start w/ just a walk. That seems more attainable right now.

If I get too busy- I need to go to the store and stock up on lean cuisines. That will get me thru. It's the time, effort, and mess, of cooking that often deters me. I need to prepare for dinners. Or defer to Subway. Evenings are also busy. Mon-kickball. Tues/Thurs- Kaplan LSAT class. Wed- showing property/working. Fri- Shabbat engagement dinner. Fri will actually require extra planning. I am attending Persian Shabbat dinner in Beverly Hills for an engagement celebration and I have no idea what food I will be faced with. And as that is the night before weigh-in, I must be particularly conscious of salt intake as well. At least I have it in mind in advance.

I think the a.m. walking will be the way to go- but that will also require me to get to bed early, despite these evening activities- as my days are pretty packed this week. I even have to go to court on Friday to confirm a sale ... which is also not part of my norm routine.

Thinking about all of this in advance is good- but still isn't going to get me where I need to be. I must plan, each day, the day before, in order to truly succeed this week.

Also, I wrote a really emotional post last night, which quite honestly, no one needs to read- not even me. But the essence of it is that I am a really emotional eater and I have got to learn how to get that under control. It is currently my go-to coping mechanism and I must get past that at some point.

Again, I think the walking in the a.m.'s will help. I already don't want to go though.

little lessons

Last week I dropped about 7lbs which brought me w/in VERY close reach of my 10% goal. I worked really hard at it last week but alas- I attribute 2-3 lbs of actual loss, 2-3 lbs of dehydration, and 2lbs of losing the period affectation. It was a faux huge loss. But still a great loss nonetheless.

However, the last time this happened, was in February, which is what pretty much kicked off these 2 months of yo-yo-ing. I'm not gonna lie- it's pretty much all related to men. Damn you all. And without divulging just completely too much about my personal life, I can pretty much attest that these troubles are mostly concerned with the opposite sex and coping mechanisms. In a nutshell.

What else changed around the end of Feb you might ask... b/c well, I did... and oh, of course, I re-joined Kickball.

So I've now assessed the pitfalls of the last 2 months, and contemplated the minor successes. And what I have learned is this:

1. I am more important than anybody else in the world
2. Conversely, you, are not more important, than me.
3. I will not give you time that I do not have, and that you will not reciprocate.
4. I will not order redbull-vodka at Q's. Or the Roxxy.
5. I will strive to run every single morning- and I will get over the fact that this means I can't have straight hair every day.
6. I will not go to Taco Bell.
7. I will feel, instead of eat. I will cry instead of inhale fries. I will run instead of medicate anxiety thru food.
8. I will not buy into any "crush" anymore because he's too dumb, too arrogant, and/or too apathetic to do anything about it. Plus, his girlfriend probably wouldn't like it much. And I don't really want to pay for anyone's drink but my own.
9. I will replace despair and lonliness with cynicism and anger. Yeah - I know- one day I'll figure out why that's not healthy either. But for now at least the anger will get my running shoes on.
10. I will continue to cook. And one day, I'll be good at it.

They're little lessons. And big lessons. And petty gripes disguised as lessons. But they are important right this minute and I'm not too thrilled about that, but I am accepting such information as truth right now.

I think, if you aren't supporting me and my missions, you don't belong here.
I think, if you want to support me and my missions, you won't judge.

I know that I am a complete and total pain in the ass these days... but I have this all-or-nothing / black-and-white mentality that I'm learning how to bend... I don't know how to do that yet and pretty much if I don't trust you completely, I don't trust you at all.

What? you may ask ... does any of this have to do with dropping pounds? And the answer is- quite simply- everything.

the haps

So, my faithful & loyal, I am back. Thank you to everyone for harassing me about the blog. That's sort of why I started it. So I couldn't let my effort fade. I have hit the dreaded plateau. I have gained and lost the same 2-3 lbs for the last 2 months. The good news is: I'm not up by much. I'm about the same weight I was around Valentine's Day... Which is when I had that crazy huge 7lb loss due to hangover dehydration (or so I think.) Here is a brief little update...

I was down 2, 2 weeks ago, and up 2.8 this week, and it goes on. But Sunday night, dearest Lindsey came to save me and we went grocery shopping and did some veggie chopping and I have a stocked house again so that I will not defer to Taco Bell anymore. :) I have been tracking my food this week again online w/ the WW e-tools. And I went for a walk w/ my mom this morning. All in all, I've been making that change again and doing the work. And thank god I've found the groove again.

I felt like I was on my way here... White Rock Lake... Dallas, TX... March 2, 2008. This is definitely one of the more recent full body shots of me. I don't allow them. I was doing ok. I looked better than I had in quite some time and I was pretty happy.
But then I came back to Long Beach and started my job w/ WAKA Kickball and put an amazing deal into escrow and signed up for a Kaplan LSAT prep class. And I got stressed and didn't know how to eat right outside of making myself a hermit at home. And, I stopped exercising. I stopped finding the time.

I went on a bachelorette wine tasting adventure and that was really one of the worst gains I've had in some time.

And lastly, I thought I was finally balancing... but the most recent pix I have while on a pubcrawl, show otherwise. The face fat is more evident. My arms are worse than they were when I was doing the 24Lift & 24Set classes at 24hour.

There is a theme... the social drinking. I have curtailed the problem-like sort of drinking. But with my body, still, ANY consumption at all- even if I count the points- my body will not accept this. It recognizes it is not fuel. It will not lose weight if I drink. It's LOW in tolerance. I mean, we're talking 1-3 bud lights in a week... and I still won't lose weight- even if I do everything else right. It is not fair. And I'm going to have to adjust this - or work out more- or something - to account for my lifestyle- if I want to lose weight.

In happy news, I got my bridesmaid dress for Amy's wedding and that fits and looks beautiful. It only needs to be hemmed. And last October, when I tried on the largest size in the store, it would not zip. So really, I'm thrilled about that. It means I have still done something. That even though I am struggling now, I can remember that I HAVE accomplished a lot, already, regardless of how much I can convince myself its meaningless- it's not.

I am so freaking busy- more than I have been in some time. And I am trying to figure out how to "do it all" ... without food as my go-to source of comfort. I'm not on stable ground yet, but I'm workin on it.

in the swing of things

Alright people. I'm back in the swing of things here. I lost 2 lbs. this week! I have lost, at this moment, exactly 25 lbs since I started this crazy business. I am still a few pounds short of my 10% goal... but I'm going to have my reward cooking class on Tuesday anyway. I am going to celebrate 25lbs GONE. It's still a big milestone, even if its not my 10% goal. I think with exercise (which I've been slacking on lately) ... and some added vigilance with keeping track of the points, I can *possibly* hit that 10% next week... and I will most definitely hit it by the following week.

So- my commitment level has spiked again. The meeting today was all about roadblocks and how to maneuver through them instead of derailing. It was a good topic- although sort of corny.

The main thing is that they talked about life changing. Many of you know how I hate change. But I realize now that I was struggling because my schedule started to change. I have gotten really busy with real estate, and I added my pt job working for WAKA Kickball. I'm freakin busy. And I realize now that this requires a little more planning at the start of the week. It requires a little more strength and power over when, where & how I am eating. And where I can fit exercise in. I've got to do it in the morning now. I just flat out don't have the time in the evenings. I'm either kickballing, meeting with clients, or preparing for the following day. I get up and exercise- and that means I need to like sleep in my work out clothes or something. And it means, I can't fall behind in my laundry. And its all these little things I didn't have to worry about as much when I was less busy and able to work from home more- but not I'm out. I'm at the office or "out in the field" and I just don't always have access to my food so I need to get better at making those "on-the-fly" decisions.

Even writing this I've been interrupted at least 5x by different phone calls. My multi tasking levels are increasing and I need to keep this as a top priority instead of letting it slip first as usual.

I just need to keep the faith :)

more to come...

Well, did I mention I lost a pound last week? I'm doing ok on my home scale. I think I'm doing ok this week in general. I've had a lot of subway, and not so many croissants at Starbucks. Monday and Tuesday I had kickball games, and flipcup games, and bud light. But I've been counterbalancing that with water & I'm back to my raspberry green tea crystal light.
I've been super busy @ work but I don't think I'm stress eating.
I will have more to report after tomorrow's weigh in.

But I've been staying on track this week... it's just slow going for me right now. No exercise... though I do hope to get a long run/walk in tonight. I've been doing a lot of work in the neighborhood I grew up in... and even though I ate shit on a run in there on New Year's Eve, it might be time to go back and do a little recon work :D

More to come...

today will be better

Alright- so the derail of the last couple weeks is not the end of the world. EVEN if I gain this week, I'll be about where I was before I had that crazy 7lb loss. So I'm ok with that- I just hate wasted time.

I did not get back to the healthy eating. In fact, Monday was amazingly terrible. Taco Bell = death. However, b/c I ate taco bell so late on monday- i was not hungry almost the entire day on tuesday... so at least my body has adjusted to this new life. and it was not happy with me on tuesday. and i did not eat just b/c i was supposed to be having food at a certain hour.

i had a starbucks yogurt, and a cpk salad. pretty much for the whole day. so my metabolism is screwed, but at least the over-eating was curtailed.

this morning- i woke up - after having watched the biggest loser- and i got back to tracking my points. even for the last 2 days.

THIS is where the trouble has been. i haven't been writing it down. honestly i can trace most of the problems back to when i lost my bank card, changed the acct #s and subsequently lost my WW internet access for about 5 days. this is when it started. apparently i need the access to their system. without it, i fail.

but even when i got it back, it was already too late... i was already on a path of destruction.

additionally- i got busy with life. work picked up. i started my new kickball job. (yes, that's right, i work for waka now). i travelled. and i know that when i get busy w/ the rest of my life, my personal well-being is the first thing to go out the window.

THAT MUST STOP.

i hate to mention it- but it really ties into maslow's hierarchy of needs. i am sorry to pull some of you back to intro psych... but well, here it is. i can't reach my full potential until i put the foundation under me to support success.

i have been building it- but as soon as i stop for just a second- it all goes to hell.

so today will be better. and i will exercise- even if i just go for a walk. i want a dog!

"long day"

So- I have been somewhat derailing.
I am here to report only this.

There are many factors and I will detail them, probably, not now.

But for now, all I can say is that I am getting back on track.

I'm still not confident I can hit that 10% mark before my scheduled reward of a hipcooks class on 3/18... I'm not really sure it's possible at this point... but I'm not going to give up trying.

I am back to the hard work. I derailed for about 2 weeks- more on that later.

You need not comment with your "you can do it"s and good cheer. Not that I don't appreciate that normally... but right now, I just am not cheery about it.

I am just settling down to get back to work at it. Maybe I'll be a little more excited after I get one day of healthy eating back in me... with some real fat-burning exercise to boot.

I am just sort of resigned at the moment. No longer resigned and falling off track- just resigned to the notion that I am not allowed to stop thinking about this for even a day, without losing serious ground.

And it's ok- I mean- I want it badly enough so I'm going to do it. But the more I learn about how I got here, and the more I realize how hard it's going to be to keep going, the more I resent the fact that I am seriously going to have to put way more work into this than I have even been doing thus far.

***

"...I'm sorry 'bout the attitude
I need to give when I'm with you
But no one else would take this shit from me
And I'm so
Terrified of no one else but me
I'm here all the time
I won't go away
It's me, yeah I can't get myself to go away
It's me, and I can't get myself to go away
Oh god I shouldn't feel this way

(Chorus)
Reach down your hand in your pocket
Pull out some hope for me
It's been a long day, always ain't that right
And no lord your hand won't stop it
Just keep you trembling
It's been a long day, always ain't that right..."
~MB20

it's all relative

so... i've had some great success- so what do i do? oh i go and fuck it all up again.
i went to taco bell. a mexican pizza, 2 soft tacos & an apple empanada later- i feel full, and much less stressed about a variety of issues in my personal and professional life.
but then i felt sick.

i've had a raging headache all day that neither caffeine, nor food, nor nicotine, nor sugar, nor water, nor rest could cure.

i feel like crap and i did not exercise today as planned b/c i was in my office instead of the gym- and that's good- but bad.

i used to be an EXPERT multi-tasker. somewhere along the way... my divvied up focus has departed from my world and left me unable to cope.

food solves everything in my world- and man is it tough to resist that comfort.

in the downward direction

so i'm up on my home scale again. i sort of knew that would happen. i think part of my big loss this past week was water weight. so, my goal this week is to maintain my huge loss of last week.

i think i am going to do the los al race on the base 5k this saturday. i did it 2 yrs ago right after my marathon. i'm gonna do my own pace- but i'm definitely going to beat my time from the santa monica/venice xmas fun run back in december.

i haven't been running the past few weeks- so i'm going to have to work that back in to my workouts this week. and it means i'll probably weigh-in for weight watchers on fri. or sun. next week... it'll be interesting- that's for sure.

also- b/c i lost so much last week- i lost a daily point i get to eat. which is good- it means i'm slowly phasing in the downward direction. but it really is an adjustment when it happens. and i'm trying to keep in mind what it's going to feel like when i am a normal size and have like 10 or more, less points every day than i have now.

those 10 extra points are my room for error right now. they're my room for junk food to stay in my life. room for bud light. room for bar food. and i see that eventually i am really going to have to reform my life even more. it's too much to contemplate right now- that's why weight watchers is going to work for me- b/c i can do it SLOWly. but every now 'n then, i get a glimpse, and it freaks me out.

right now, i'm just glad that i am continuing in the right direction. despite variances in success levels- i'm keeping it going. i have never been this close to my 10% goal. so i'm already immensely proud of myself.

also- my hipcooks class is coming up as reward. and i am super excited for that! i discovered a new "series" they offer that is all about healthy eating. some of it is a little too 'out there' for me, and its more expensive than their normal classes- but it looks like it could be a good influence on me.

we shall see. there is much more work to be done.

drumroll please

So I'm not really sure how I pulled this off... but... I lost... drumroll please....

7.4 lbs this week, alone!

It's crazy. I am thrilled. I received some silly 25lb magnet and charm from the folks at weight watchers b/c I surpassed that mark. And I am only 1.4lbs away from my HUGE HUGE 10% goal.

I basically think it was the process of hanging on to some water weight last week... so the loss for 2 weeks finally showed up. That's my working theory anyway.

However, the gain of a pound last week did really propel me into action. I worked out HARD early in the week and I really did watch my point intake closely.

My main goal this week is to keep the exercise up. Do 24set instead of 24lift-- even though I hate it a little bit more. Do a walk every morning- something easy so I will actually do it. I need to sweat this week. I need to make my healthy food and stick to my routine and keep working hard and it will all come.

I need to keep doing it exactly how I want to do it. I am repelling external forces these days. Unless you are my client, I don't care what you want, what time you prefer, where you want to go or what you want to do. I am only doing things that I want to do. And it is making all the difference!

I really want this 1.4 gone by next week b/c the following week I will be in Texas, and I want to celebrate my 10 % at my regular meeting, not the Friday meeting I will need to go to that week before I get on a plane. But it doesn't matter- my first big goal is finally within my reach and I am so excited!

just do it

I went to the gym this a.m.

I am tracking all my food.

I am committed to a serious loss on the scale this week.

I'm workin it out ...

;)

"And I don't know how, to get it back to good"

I gained exactly 1lb. this week. I know why. Some of it's my fault- and some of it is out of my control. Life goes on. I'm back on track. I WILL hit my 10% mark. I will I will I will.

I'm tired of this crap already. Not giving up- but irritated.

Right about now I am so glad I started this blog b/c I am more interested in not letting everyone ELSE down who have been my super cheerleaders, than I am concerned about letting myself down. Wrong, but true.

I'll get it all back together soon.

I

I did 24Dance last night which was super fun.

I did 24Lift tonight and was in a weird zone. I added extra weight and I feel zapped of strength and energy now after a super hot shower.

I was down 2lbs on my home scale this morning!

I did some not so great eating today- but at very regular intervals- and reasonably "healthy" options.

I am so grateful there is finally some justice for Team Jillian on Biggest Loser.
I am seriously considering sending in an application. I could've been Brittany this season! But I was moving when that app was due :( OH that's right, I know the dates. I had the paperwork.

I am tired. Not tired of the process- just tired from a long day.

I still wish it could go faster. But I'm getting better at accepting the daily challenge.

Bootcamp is not part of my financial plan right now- so that will have to wait.

But more future goals include personal training. I'm going to need it. I will need more personalized targeting.

I really wish I could treat this as my only fully time job. I already give it more mental energy these days than I ever have, and more than I think most do (which may or may not be a good thing) :) But if I could spend 6 hours a day in the gym like the Biggest Loser hopefuls, and learn how to eat properly- or just be magically wealthy enough to hire a personal healthy chef, I would be so happy. Happy doesn't even really cover it.

I'm willing to do the work- but it's easier with external motivation pushing you. Finding the internal motivation is the hardest part. Clinging to the goal of that little black dress before eating another brownie- or before another chip scoop of guacamole- is where success is made or delayed.

eating

I have a stomach-ache. :-( I am seriously considering sending the brownies to my mother.

But, mainly I'm back b/c I realized I forgot to comment on something.... The Biggest Loser (somewhat spoiler)...

So- my Black Team led by Jillian failed miserably at the weigh-in last week. Even Jillian's analysis was that it wasn't the work-outs- everyone was working their asses off. It was the food. And she knew it. And they all knew it. And it showed on the scale w/ some people losing nothing and others gaining. It was a sad sad day for Jillian and the NOT Biggest Loser's.

Which is something I have been thinking almost from the beginning of this...

Yes, I need to work out like crazy BUT it is worthless if I don't have the food under control first.
Even WeightWatchers doesn't tell you about how you can add Activity Points back into your day until like the 3rd or 4th week of the program. Food first, then workouts.

So I recommit to the basics. I have a solid work-out plan in place this week. It should be good- but I will not beat myself up if I miss some of it.

MAINLY- I need to focus on healthy eating- especially at night.

Also- on a sidenote- I also realized that normal sized people just don't get it. This comes from watching the last episode w/ 'em. They just don't relate to Biggest Loser in the same way- or have the right kind of sympathy or empathy w/ these people. The contestants don't have all this extra weight b/c they're lazy (well, maybe some of it). But mostly it's a sympton of a problem. It's a coping mechanism for something they've had to deal with. And it pisses me off that people don't get it. But that's ok. To each their own. I don't get how anyone likes Hollywood- it's beyond me. I don't care to get it nor can I really sympathize w/ any of the woes that come w/ a Hollywood lifestyle- so- to each their own.

I am kind of excited to see what I can do this week. Despite my morning brownie downfall, I'm in a good place about the eating this week-- hopefully it'll show up on the scale next Saturday!

eat, drink, and be merry

I just ate a brownie.

And so the battle with my weekend begins. How do people ever lose weight? They must become hermits. And never see their friends to eat, drink, and be merry.

This wknd was better than last- and I have a whole workout plan laid.

AND- the best news is that I cleaned my kitchen. No dirty dishes- everything in its place. That is what will REALLY help this week!

Now, if I could just throw all the brownies away....

on my way

I lost 0.8 lbs. today! WooHoo! That is almost a full pound!

I am now only 7.8lbs away from my 10% goal!

I am so happy. Right after I accepted the fact that I might gain this week, the 3 extra pounds that had accumulated on my home scale started dropping. And I was down 0.2 on my home scale this morning.

I still maintained the fear as I stepped on the scale at WW this a.m. - I was hoping to just stay the same, and not gain. It couldn't have been better!

This is *almost* a happier time than hitting that 20lb mark. Almost.

I'm on my way to my first HUGE goal that I've never been able to hit. I will hit it within the next month and there will be rejoicing all across the land that is the LBC. ;)

it will get easier.

I'm going to gain this week. I have accepted it. I am up on my home scale. And I'm eating within my points but I'm not really exercising. I'm not derailing and eating anything and everything as I would have in the past; I'm just dealing with it and basically can't wait for the week to start anew on Saturday morning.

Usually if I have a bad week, it follows with a pretty good week- so I am looking forward to NEXT week. I still plan to hit my first 10% loss before the end of February.

I've made some serious progress this week despite the numbers on the scale. I've figured a lot out about myself and how I function and why- more than I can even chronicle here. So if the price is a gain this week so that I can keep moving forward in the future- I think it will be worth it.

This is where I've stopped in the past because there is work to be done here that I didn't want to touch... but I am now...

I think I'm only going to start sounding more mental here as this goes on.
I like to say about that marathon- anyone can run a marathon, but you have to really want to do it. And that took more mental strength than it did physical strength, in the end.

The first 20 lbs has been like a warm-up run. You think it's hard at the time, but you have no idea what lies ahead of you. It's like the "easy breezy" 8miler runs that gets to be cake in the end, but at the beginning, you can't believe you've covered 8 miles. And you hurt. Or- you think you do. You don't really know what pain is yet, but it's good you don't know- or you wouldn't keep showing up to do the work.

It's going to be like that with the weight-loss. Each new level is going to seem hard, until I hit the next one.

I think another comparison can be made... when I started marathon training, I'd have a few drinks early in the week before my run. But as the runs got longer, and longer, and still longer, I cut that out entirely- even if it was one beer on a Monday - because it just wasn't worth the pain when I was gonna feel it on that long run on Saturday. These setbacks are kind of like that. Eventually, I'll remember the "pain" of going thru this week and I'll stop slipping up on crappy food and it will get easier.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself today: it will get easier.