almost everything

My new fridge has arrived! Apparently it was JUST overdue...
Now, I knew I needed a new one... I'd been shopping...
But the heatwave put my poor ol lil overworked refurbished fridge to rest.

It was time for a brand new one and while I AM very excited about it... I'm really irritated I had to toss almost the entire contents of the old one.

However- this provides me a fantastic excuse to start fresh again w/ only super healthy contents. The fridge delivery man told me I shouldn't shop again until tomorrow when the temps have leveled out... however... I wanna go NOW! But I will wait (lest I waste even more $) ... but I am making a super organized and methodical list of meals, and ingredients.

I did have SO much in my freezer that I was never going to eat. So, it is good I can start anew and only buy what I will REALLY use... all in good time.

Ahh the babbling over fridge/freezer logistics. I'm just so happy to have a normal QUIET fridge again. It was so loud it was actually keeping me awake at night. Thank god its gone! My nerves!

In other news, I went shopping for the 1st time in a LONG time. I bought a fun new dress and beachy skirt- it made me happy.

I also had my last fitting for my bridesmaid dress yesterday. It fits. It actually looks pretty good, I think. It's a really pretty dress and I don't hate it, or hate being in it. I do wish I'd worked on toning up my arms, but oh well. Thank god I lost the weight I did, even if its not ALL I wanted to lose... b/c it really would've been a prob if I hadn't.

I'm having a mental disconnect lately. There are these little pieces of me... professional me, sexy me, studious me, athletic me, etc. and I have a vision of outfits for each of those girls and I get really frustrated when I can't execute them the way I want to. I live in a state of hiding out. I won't get dressed up. I won't do my make up or hair or anything b/c I feel like if I can't look the way I want to, what's the point. But it all comes back to that all-or-nothing problem I have. I feel like putting the work into looking nice is worthless. But that is not really true... b/c just doing the simple things like straightening my hair and putting some make-up on make me feel like a normal person and so I should do those things if for no other reason than to build confidence.

I have this problem with feeling like doing the work to have things not turn out perfectly is not worth doing the work. It is a general principle governing my actions and it needs to change. I don't know how yet.

This weekend at my weigh-in I gained 0.2 lbs. Which, I now know is definitely connected to the period. Typically, that equals a 2-3 lb. gain. So I'm pretty ok w/ the .2 gain this week-- even though I was pissed about it this weekend. But that's the thing- I was pissed about it this weekend and I derailed off my core organic eating b/c even though my head knew better- my heart felt like "what's the fucking point?"

And I feel that way about so much these days... almost everything... so it is difficult to rally. I know how to ... I just can't seem to make myself want to on a consistent basis.

Right now, I am excited about restocking my new fridge w/ healthy yummy food. But I don't know how to work thru the next thing that is going to set me off and make me upset that I have to "live the good life" in order to actually live the good life.