unperfect

Earlier in the week, my home scale said exactly the same weight it had when i was OH so close to my 10%... and in a matter of 3 days- I've added 6lbs. Now, some of that may be catching up to me from the wedding weekend over memorial day wknd... but really- I think its the last 3 days.

I've been in a total funk. I ordered cpk pick-up and not my lovely normal salad- no I went all out w/ the thai chicken pizza, and an order of the hummus. I actually put myself into a food coma. I haven't had a binge like that in quite some time. I was really, incredibly, super full. But I kept going. It forced me into sleep.

I am figuring out that I'm really incapable of coping w/ any real emotions. I'm not wired to handle it. Food is the only way I know how. And that has been ingrained in me from an extremely early age.

Sometimes I can fight it. For various extended periods of time. Sometimes "I'm being good" ... but when I'm not, man, look out. Destruction here I come. Six lbs is conquerable. I've conquered 25 or so in the past. But even as I type that- I don't really want anything healthy in my house- I want Starbucks.

I'm swinging. That's what I do. From one end of the spectrum to the other. If I can't be perfect at it- well then fuck that and watch how unperfect I can get at it. I didn't order a salad- well then I'm going to order food for 5 people.

I won't hang my clothes up b/c I hate them. They represent a kind of personal daily hell. I would live in sweats if I could. And I sort of do these days.

There are various triggers. Right now I'm looking at fear, stress, & anxiety over the unknown. Tests. Freaking tests. My bridesmaid dress that didn't really fit after all. Or, maybe it did, but it was still 3x the size of all the others on the hangers. I could probably literally have made 2 or 3 dresses out of my single one. Never being the one they want.

Never being the one they want. Always standing in the shadow. I know how to take a stage... but I find the loudest, craziest, prettiest friends to stand behind. Or I will become that- loud & crazy, if I can get cynical with you about how you're going to hook up w/ my friend, but I'll still outdrink you. And then I'm your buddy, and you adore me- b/c you know, for sure, I'm not interested. B/c I'm only interested in drinking- not you. I won't give you the chance to shut me down.

I show up to places alone. I am the friend, never the girlfriend. Or, even better, I am the hook-up, often secret, and never ever worth publicly saying "Hey, I'm with her" ... and thank god I can blame that on the fat b/c how devastated would I be if I couldn't?

And ya- none of this is really about losing weight. Except it all is. I had some success. And now I'm stuck b/c god forbid I keep succeeding. What will I do if I lose my excuse for not having the things I want? I can't imagine the pain.

I see myself sloppy drunk- fall down drunk- as a skinny girl.

B/c I won't know how to function when I fail. Right now, I've got a pretty decent status quo going and I am terrified that if I disrupt it too much... I'll lose.

And at the same time, I really don't have too much to lose... except the weight.