commitment I've never had before

I weigh-in tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time REALLY expecting to have lost... and to have hit my 10% goal. And if you don't know by now, you should learn my opinion about expectation-- it is the root of all heartache.

Anyhow, I started this, for real, in November. I wasn't working that hard at it until then... or maybe not at all... so 6 months. 30 lbs. That's a 5lb/month average... which is about 1.25 lbs/wk.
Realistically, I could have hit this mark in February or March- if I hadn't developed various mental blocks about it. And worked a little harder, and more consistently. If I had- it would've been 30 lbs. over 4 months- averaging 7.5 lbs/month- at 1.8 lbs/wk.

If I can continue to fall somewhere in between those 2... lets say an average of 1.5 per week... from my current weight, I'll reach the 100s in 44 weeks, or 11 months. That'll be 199. So my goal to get to 160, will still take me from May 09 to the end of next year, probably. But at that point, I'll look and feel SO much better. At that point it'll be about 100 lbs gone. At that point, summer will be coming again and maybe I'll actually buy a new bathing suit. Its not going to happen this summer, but it's ok b/c I'm still working at it... slowly, and maybe not even steadily, but with a commitment I've never had before...

I really truly expect to hit that mark tomorrow and I'm not gonna lie- I'm going to be pretty upset if I do not... but I'll still know, it's just 1 more week away. But each week, I want to continue to see that measured progress. I've done pretty well w/ the food this week - and each day it is a struggle to make the small proper choices- dressing on the side please, etc etc.

And its just so hard to keep doing the "right" things if you don't see the payoff. So I'm really hoping tomorrow it all comes together for me- and I get my super cheezy 10% keychain that will probably break in a week... but I want it.

And really wanting things is so hard for me - I don't trust. I don't believe they will happen for me. I used to... and somewhere along the way, I lost that. usc drama, men, friends... I've got to let go. I've got to accept the fact that the past could've been any different, and forgive myself.

I don't really know how to do that- but I'm working on it.