it's only me

I have never been someone to stand in front of the mirror and obsess about my flaws or imperfections. Its enough for me to know they're there... I don't need to scrutinize them. I've never been bulimic, and clearly not anorexic. But I am an obsessive emotional eater. And today, for some reason, I found myself standing naked in front of a mirror and assessing, in what I thought was an objective manner; but that can't really be true.

There are actually fistfuls of fat circling my body. I wondered what it would be like to be a thin, non-fat, normal person. How much more energy would I have? How many more places would I walk? How much more fun would I have shopping if I weren't forced to stick to shoes & make-up? How many more guys might actually be interested in me? How interesting and incomprehensible is it that any even are? How more active might I be? What if I weren't too heavy to go sky-diving? What kind of style would I really have? What does it cost to have a surgery to remove all the fat? I wonder if the lap-band limit would work? Would it stop me from eating? Would it make me an alcoholic like all the people who go on Oprah after having that done? What bra size do I really have if I don't count the fat? How will I ever get rid of all of this fat stuck to me? And if I do- how will I ever get myself toned? Can I ever be a normal person- will I ever stop being obese?

It's all a mask and I use it well. The fat is my excuse- for everything. Why I don't have any single thing I might, even someday, want. Because god forbid I fail. God forbid I'm not good enough. It's ok to handle all the rejection, and all the failure, and all the not-being-good-enough, so long as I have the fat to blame. But it's only me if I get rid of the fat. And I don't know how to be that lonely and that vulnerable. I don't want to give up my shield.