I am always surprised

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

And while I knew that was probably going to happen, and even though people actually make requests for more updates, I am always surprised when someone tells me this. Always. I don't think anyone's paying attention. "Paying attention" is a funny phrase; a lesson in value with some simple verb conjugation. And each time someone tells me he or she is reading, or someone makes a comment, I see a little bit of myself through their eyes.  And I'm always prompted to go back and re-read. Sometimes I reread just a post or two. Sometimes I reread specific posts that stand out to me. But sometimes, like today, I reread as much as I can stand.  And then I wondered, do people read a post or two, or read on occasion, on a whim? Have they followed the story along this whole time since I started in 2007? Or even since 2005 back when I had "the marathon" blog? And I wondered today what the story looks like as a whole, at this exact moment, if I were to read it "cover to cover" as it stands now.  Because I could do that with the marathon blog. It has a start, a middle, and an end. And I really love each section of that blog... I think because I was actually chronicling a serious achievement, and chronicling something I had never done before. I thought, when I started this, it would be a way to do it again... to chronicle "my great weightloss achievement!'  

[Sidenote: I just tried accessing the marathon blog for the 1st time in ages and it's gone! :( I think I printed it once in fear of this day but if anyone knows how I can save it from stupid Friendster, suggestions and tips, MUCH appreciated ... it used to be at: http://dreambig.blogs.friendster.com/my_marathon_blog/]

But there is no great achievement here. And everything here I have done, repeatedly, for many years.  It seems, there is nothing new to say.

I am fat - I emotionally overeat - I am great at a finite time period of concentrated effort of nutrition & exercise, usually brought on by some sort of emotional blow - then I fall off the wagon - and repeat. It's like Groundhog's Day. 

I heard Danielle Berrin speak today - about many things - but most notable to me was the notion that in trying to escape by immersing yourself in some creative process, you are actually brought face to face with what it is you are trying to escape in an even deeper and more meaningful way. She was tying this to the notion that Jews in Hollywood are now interested in rewriting the ending to events... and what does this mean? And it went further to connect the hotbed of demand for the creative talent pool in Israel, and how with less budget comes better storytelling as a craft, and that is further connected (not by Ms Berrin, but just in my mind) with Israel as a start-up nation... and I have so many business places to take that and have digressed pretty far off my point here. But the point - is - that in escaping, we are actually conquering.

And so I reread, and reread, and reread, and felt sick about the fact that I haven't yet succeeded at this. And not even that I haven't succeeded, but that I haven't seemed to internalize any of the lessons that I "discover" here. But I have.

I turned the corner when I realized that I'm just not done yet. And maybe it's naive to think there is an endpoint as well. Here, I am just trying to escape the pain of living inside of this body (that I am thankful is currently healthy). And that in trying to escape, in getting inside the pain that it is to actually undertake this, is what will actually lead me out.

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

Me too. I'm finally paying attention.