unperfect

Earlier in the week, my home scale said exactly the same weight it had when i was OH so close to my 10%... and in a matter of 3 days- I've added 6lbs. Now, some of that may be catching up to me from the wedding weekend over memorial day wknd... but really- I think its the last 3 days.

I've been in a total funk. I ordered cpk pick-up and not my lovely normal salad- no I went all out w/ the thai chicken pizza, and an order of the hummus. I actually put myself into a food coma. I haven't had a binge like that in quite some time. I was really, incredibly, super full. But I kept going. It forced me into sleep.

I am figuring out that I'm really incapable of coping w/ any real emotions. I'm not wired to handle it. Food is the only way I know how. And that has been ingrained in me from an extremely early age.

Sometimes I can fight it. For various extended periods of time. Sometimes "I'm being good" ... but when I'm not, man, look out. Destruction here I come. Six lbs is conquerable. I've conquered 25 or so in the past. But even as I type that- I don't really want anything healthy in my house- I want Starbucks.

I'm swinging. That's what I do. From one end of the spectrum to the other. If I can't be perfect at it- well then fuck that and watch how unperfect I can get at it. I didn't order a salad- well then I'm going to order food for 5 people.

I won't hang my clothes up b/c I hate them. They represent a kind of personal daily hell. I would live in sweats if I could. And I sort of do these days.

There are various triggers. Right now I'm looking at fear, stress, & anxiety over the unknown. Tests. Freaking tests. My bridesmaid dress that didn't really fit after all. Or, maybe it did, but it was still 3x the size of all the others on the hangers. I could probably literally have made 2 or 3 dresses out of my single one. Never being the one they want.

Never being the one they want. Always standing in the shadow. I know how to take a stage... but I find the loudest, craziest, prettiest friends to stand behind. Or I will become that- loud & crazy, if I can get cynical with you about how you're going to hook up w/ my friend, but I'll still outdrink you. And then I'm your buddy, and you adore me- b/c you know, for sure, I'm not interested. B/c I'm only interested in drinking- not you. I won't give you the chance to shut me down.

I show up to places alone. I am the friend, never the girlfriend. Or, even better, I am the hook-up, often secret, and never ever worth publicly saying "Hey, I'm with her" ... and thank god I can blame that on the fat b/c how devastated would I be if I couldn't?

And ya- none of this is really about losing weight. Except it all is. I had some success. And now I'm stuck b/c god forbid I keep succeeding. What will I do if I lose my excuse for not having the things I want? I can't imagine the pain.

I see myself sloppy drunk- fall down drunk- as a skinny girl.

B/c I won't know how to function when I fail. Right now, I've got a pretty decent status quo going and I am terrified that if I disrupt it too much... I'll lose.

And at the same time, I really don't have too much to lose... except the weight.

it's only me

I have never been someone to stand in front of the mirror and obsess about my flaws or imperfections. Its enough for me to know they're there... I don't need to scrutinize them. I've never been bulimic, and clearly not anorexic. But I am an obsessive emotional eater. And today, for some reason, I found myself standing naked in front of a mirror and assessing, in what I thought was an objective manner; but that can't really be true.

There are actually fistfuls of fat circling my body. I wondered what it would be like to be a thin, non-fat, normal person. How much more energy would I have? How many more places would I walk? How much more fun would I have shopping if I weren't forced to stick to shoes & make-up? How many more guys might actually be interested in me? How interesting and incomprehensible is it that any even are? How more active might I be? What if I weren't too heavy to go sky-diving? What kind of style would I really have? What does it cost to have a surgery to remove all the fat? I wonder if the lap-band limit would work? Would it stop me from eating? Would it make me an alcoholic like all the people who go on Oprah after having that done? What bra size do I really have if I don't count the fat? How will I ever get rid of all of this fat stuck to me? And if I do- how will I ever get myself toned? Can I ever be a normal person- will I ever stop being obese?

It's all a mask and I use it well. The fat is my excuse- for everything. Why I don't have any single thing I might, even someday, want. Because god forbid I fail. God forbid I'm not good enough. It's ok to handle all the rejection, and all the failure, and all the not-being-good-enough, so long as I have the fat to blame. But it's only me if I get rid of the fat. And I don't know how to be that lonely and that vulnerable. I don't want to give up my shield.

almost everything

My new fridge has arrived! Apparently it was JUST overdue...
Now, I knew I needed a new one... I'd been shopping...
But the heatwave put my poor ol lil overworked refurbished fridge to rest.

It was time for a brand new one and while I AM very excited about it... I'm really irritated I had to toss almost the entire contents of the old one.

However- this provides me a fantastic excuse to start fresh again w/ only super healthy contents. The fridge delivery man told me I shouldn't shop again until tomorrow when the temps have leveled out... however... I wanna go NOW! But I will wait (lest I waste even more $) ... but I am making a super organized and methodical list of meals, and ingredients.

I did have SO much in my freezer that I was never going to eat. So, it is good I can start anew and only buy what I will REALLY use... all in good time.

Ahh the babbling over fridge/freezer logistics. I'm just so happy to have a normal QUIET fridge again. It was so loud it was actually keeping me awake at night. Thank god its gone! My nerves!

In other news, I went shopping for the 1st time in a LONG time. I bought a fun new dress and beachy skirt- it made me happy.

I also had my last fitting for my bridesmaid dress yesterday. It fits. It actually looks pretty good, I think. It's a really pretty dress and I don't hate it, or hate being in it. I do wish I'd worked on toning up my arms, but oh well. Thank god I lost the weight I did, even if its not ALL I wanted to lose... b/c it really would've been a prob if I hadn't.

I'm having a mental disconnect lately. There are these little pieces of me... professional me, sexy me, studious me, athletic me, etc. and I have a vision of outfits for each of those girls and I get really frustrated when I can't execute them the way I want to. I live in a state of hiding out. I won't get dressed up. I won't do my make up or hair or anything b/c I feel like if I can't look the way I want to, what's the point. But it all comes back to that all-or-nothing problem I have. I feel like putting the work into looking nice is worthless. But that is not really true... b/c just doing the simple things like straightening my hair and putting some make-up on make me feel like a normal person and so I should do those things if for no other reason than to build confidence.

I have this problem with feeling like doing the work to have things not turn out perfectly is not worth doing the work. It is a general principle governing my actions and it needs to change. I don't know how yet.

This weekend at my weigh-in I gained 0.2 lbs. Which, I now know is definitely connected to the period. Typically, that equals a 2-3 lb. gain. So I'm pretty ok w/ the .2 gain this week-- even though I was pissed about it this weekend. But that's the thing- I was pissed about it this weekend and I derailed off my core organic eating b/c even though my head knew better- my heart felt like "what's the fucking point?"

And I feel that way about so much these days... almost everything... so it is difficult to rally. I know how to ... I just can't seem to make myself want to on a consistent basis.

Right now, I am excited about restocking my new fridge w/ healthy yummy food. But I don't know how to work thru the next thing that is going to set me off and make me upset that I have to "live the good life" in order to actually live the good life.

commitment I've never had before

I weigh-in tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time REALLY expecting to have lost... and to have hit my 10% goal. And if you don't know by now, you should learn my opinion about expectation-- it is the root of all heartache.

Anyhow, I started this, for real, in November. I wasn't working that hard at it until then... or maybe not at all... so 6 months. 30 lbs. That's a 5lb/month average... which is about 1.25 lbs/wk.
Realistically, I could have hit this mark in February or March- if I hadn't developed various mental blocks about it. And worked a little harder, and more consistently. If I had- it would've been 30 lbs. over 4 months- averaging 7.5 lbs/month- at 1.8 lbs/wk.

If I can continue to fall somewhere in between those 2... lets say an average of 1.5 per week... from my current weight, I'll reach the 100s in 44 weeks, or 11 months. That'll be 199. So my goal to get to 160, will still take me from May 09 to the end of next year, probably. But at that point, I'll look and feel SO much better. At that point it'll be about 100 lbs gone. At that point, summer will be coming again and maybe I'll actually buy a new bathing suit. Its not going to happen this summer, but it's ok b/c I'm still working at it... slowly, and maybe not even steadily, but with a commitment I've never had before...

I really truly expect to hit that mark tomorrow and I'm not gonna lie- I'm going to be pretty upset if I do not... but I'll still know, it's just 1 more week away. But each week, I want to continue to see that measured progress. I've done pretty well w/ the food this week - and each day it is a struggle to make the small proper choices- dressing on the side please, etc etc.

And its just so hard to keep doing the "right" things if you don't see the payoff. So I'm really hoping tomorrow it all comes together for me- and I get my super cheezy 10% keychain that will probably break in a week... but I want it.

And really wanting things is so hard for me - I don't trust. I don't believe they will happen for me. I used to... and somewhere along the way, I lost that. usc drama, men, friends... I've got to let go. I've got to accept the fact that the past could've been any different, and forgive myself.

I don't really know how to do that- but I'm working on it.

"my version"

Here is a current full body shot. Ya- its a sideturn w/ a baggy jacket- but I think its a reasonable representation of my current status...
I'm growing my hair long- and trying to keep it straight- b/c I think I look thinner that way. I am so lame. :)

Also- I'm already down on my home scale for the week. I've been sticking to "my version" of the WW "Core Plan" and I think its going pretty well. It does require eating at home more- but I'm ok w/ that. And I am gonna sign up for more Hipcooks classes.

Lindsey came and made stuffed green bell peppers w/ me on Sunday. SO yummy- we stuffed w/ a ground turkey concoction. They are only 3 points- but also core. I made the leftover turkey mix into a sort of healthy sloppy joe w/ some frozen whole wheat buns I'd had on Monday and I'm throwing the last little bit into pasta today. I hate leftovers- I'm so proud of myself.

I have a little list of things to pick up at the store today: chocolate soy milk, apples, bananas, grapes, low-sodium popcorn, whole wheat tortillas & salsa ... and to stock up on: my new faves- organic apple granola cereal, pom-green tea & kettle-brewed green-white tea...

I think it's going to be ok. I think I can change the bad stuff and even eventually get pretty good at the good stuff.

Also- for everyone not commenting here and emailing instead :) I really appreciate all of your messages. I'm glad you can relate.

change before you have to

I lost 2.4 lbs this week- which counts for the last 2 weeks since I didn't really weigh-in last week. I am 0.6 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been struggling to hit since the end of Feb/Mar.

I am almost there... and I should be able to hit it next Saturday at my regular meeting.
There are some factors to consider though. One is that I've started blood pressure medication, and a daily vitamin. I'm not sure what effect this will have on my day-to-day weight. I have however quit smoking and quit using salt on anything and have avoided eating foods out that may have high salt contents- so that should all work in my favor. I've increased pom/green tea & white/green tea & water consumption... which should also help. The period is always a monthly factor with the scale and I'm never quite sure about when that one's gonna take it's toll. And aside from the pure science- I could go off the psychological deep end about it and sabotage myself since I am SO freakin close to success. I am trying to be really aware of all of these factors- and accept them, and still maintain that come hell or high water, I WILL lose those 0.6 THIS week.

I know organic core plan living is not going to come easy for me. Much as I want to do the core plan, I think what I am actually going to be doing is still counting points while eating *mostly* core foods. I'm not sure I'm totally there yet. I really like my organic apple granola cereal - which- while healthy- is higher in calories, so, more point-y, and not totally core b/c of some of the brown rice sugars in it. Core is almost a sort of sugar busters diet and I may not be ready to cut all sugar- I may only be ready to choose the "healthier" sugars. I'm not going to go so far to the extreme that I give up entirely. I have been pretty full since starting this so I think I am choosing better foods that have MUCH more nutritional value and satiety- levels...

Up for tackling this week: eliminating extra sugar-y alcoholic beverages & exercising daily.

Fri nights, no more ...

I am signing up for the Long Beach Half Marathon...

Beach Runners

is the organization I'm signing up with. Training is on Saturdays at 7am. It's already started but the kick-off party is not until Wed. 5/14... so I can still join.

The ICB LB 1/2 Marathon will be held on Sunday October 12th --> mark your calendars!

I went in for my 1st physical in a long long time just before the marathon training around Sept 05. But I went to more of a sports doctor- not a GP, and not an internist. And while I really liked that doc- and would totally recommend him- and went to his office for PT for a random kickball mishap w/ my knee-- that Dr. was not totally what I needed.

This time around- I know more. First of all, I know what I'm getting myself into. That was not true w/ the full marathon. God- no one knows what 26.2 is unless you've done it.

But 13.1 miles is WAY more manageable. And even as I say that- I remember a 12 mile run in which I wanted to lay down near Griffith Park in valley until dusk. But I didn't - I kept going. And I'll do that here and now. And Long Beach, typically, has great running weather- even in the summer. As long as you're out there early enough.

And apparently I need the threat of pain to get me out the door to exercise. I WILL run 2x a week b/c I can't show up to my Saturday training run and let the other people down by dragging. You just have to keep up.

I also remember when knocking out 8miles early on Sat a.m. was "easy breezy" - granted it was Fall in the Marina and not so hot as this will be... but this will only be 13- instead of 26. Once I get those 8 back- I'll be in good shape. Getting up to the 8 again is whats going to take some work...

New shoes are in order. Hurray!

the pieces

I'm really sleepy & sliding into caffeine withdrawal. I need some black tea.

I had organic apple granola cereal & nonfat milk sprinkled w/ some ground flaxseed.
I had a cup of pomegranate green tea / juice.

I also had an organic peanut butter granola bar- the least healthy of all the items... but a girl's gotta start somewhere.

I am soon pouring some kettle brewed green & white tea and I'm not gonna lie- I may still need the starbucks iced black coffee to get me thru.

It's gonna go like this. The caffeine... is gonna help get me thru the sugar & nicotine withdrawals. When it comes time to get rid of the caffeine, WAY down the road, it's gonna get ugly. But hopefully I'll be a waaay healthier girl by then and will be stronger to handle it.

I didn't buy the stevia at the store. I contemplated it. I had it in my cart... but I have a whole box of splenda in my house and I just feel bad throwing that away. I need to bake something to use it all up- and give it away. Then I can, with a peaceful mind, go get the stevia.

I've reviewed some of the core plan on the WW website. I forgot deli meats are not included. So, I'll just have to order the chicken breast at subway or togo's today. That will not be organic, but we're working on baby steps here.

I also don't think I bought nearly enough of the brown rice/couscous family of stuff-- I'll need more of that.

I think also that maybe hipcooks shouldn't be my rewards. I'm thinking maybe that hipcooks should be part of my life so that I can get better at experimenting and trying new stuff and having fun in my kitchen.

This is going to be a crucial element to doing this successfully-- cooking.

I think my go-to meal over the summer is going to be grilled chicken and veggie skewers. It's easy- I can make it w/o screwing it up, and I like it a lot.

I have done this. I have gotten myself to this place. And I am the only one who can get myself out of it.

soy milk

Alright folks, remember November? It was all shiny and new... and I was so optimistic. I ventured into "dark and twisty" land but I'm working my way back to shiny and happy.

Today I had a "complete" physical. I will spare you the details of all the tests that entails but let me assure you, it was in fact, complete. My health is emerging as a focal point of my life. Central to every aspect of everything. Understand some of what you get here will be too detailed, and some of it will be super glossy.

Nevertheless, it is all significant and impacting the weight loss journey.

~ I have high blood pressure- I'm going back on medication for this.
~ I have "possibly" a fatty liver- I am severely limiting my alcohol.
~ My lungs first had the age of a 50 yr old, then the age of a 36 yr old (after inhaler)-- yes, I've already quit, but I'm quitting smoking, again.

And these are just the highlights... I don't even have blood work back yet.

I am changing my diet. The goal is to eventually go organic. I'm testing it out right now. I also need to eat NO salt whatsoever and that is going to be a big adjustment for me.

Weight Watchers has a program called "core" ... its a little different than "points" ... and starting Saturday, that's what I'll be doing. I'm starting it now, but still watching the points b/c its difficult to make a switch like this mid-week. Core involves lean meats, whole grains, nonfat dairy, fruits & veggies, etc. You do not have to "count"- you just have to eat foods that are "core"... and this has ALWAYS been difficult for me b/c I eat so much processed food. And restaurant food. And lean cuisines. And alcohol. Etc etc.

But I've already gone grocery shopping. I am fully stocked and prepared to undertake this. I'm not gonna lie-- it's going to be REALLY hard for me. I am totally hooked on refined and processed sugars. I am going to go through withdrawal and I am prepared for that. It's not going to be cute. I get 35 points in a week for non-core foods. Which, I need for food, not beverages. For example, to count the bread in a turkey sandwich... So I need to plan for that.

But basically, I need an overhaul. This is just a small piece of everything going on with me. But I am overhauling my life... and it is only going to be for the better. In November, I was so quickly successful w/ WW b/c it was new and interesting to me still and I was motivated. I'd been on the verge of losing that until I had an awakening w/ my doctor.

I would like to live to a ripe healthy old age and I am not anywhere on that path right now. Right now I'm headed for a heart attack or stroke at 30 and the reality of that - not just the talk but real cold hard truth of that- is finally starting to sink and settle in with me.

The motivation is back!
I'm not about to let my lifestyle steal my life from me.

skewed

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If anyone chastises you for focusing small, you'll have the last laugh. It's the details that make or break your project. -- LA Times 5/5/08

That's my horoscope for today. Of COURSE it is.

I didn't walk- and I didn't weigh-in this weekend. Don't worry, I'm going bright and early Monday a.m.- oh wait, that's now.

I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little. I'm not really sure as I haven't been stepping on my home scale. As of the middle of last week, I was down... but things change in an instant.

A phone call. Good news or bad. A missed deadline. Getting unexpectedly sucked back into anticipation and hoping-- only to realize again you were right to be jaded in the first place.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"

"Forgiveness is accepting that the past could have been any different"

Well I've stopped expecting, and I don't really forgive much either.

Researching a hypothetical death. It should've been Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles.

I think I'm counting points. So worthless- oh wait- that's what might keep me alive longer. Pay attention.

I'm hungry right now. What if I just had a cigarette and a tall drink of water instead? A glass of water won't quench the thirst alone.

"I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little." ... not weight, perspective.