running away

I am working on replacing the urge to eat, with the urge to run-- with my ipod CRANKED.

I think it's gonna work out swell. :)

out of the fog-- it's only monday...

Alright- I have come out of the food coma fog I was in last night. I calculated all the "points" I ate, and then I calculated how much exercise I need to do to today to make up for it.

I have used my weekly points. That's ok. I wanted to save them for New Years Day to watch SC football at Sharkeez. But I have calculated how much exercise I need to do tomorrow a.m. to allow for the drinking tomorrow. And that too, is ok.

I have looked at everything, and know what I need to do. I have a plan in front of me to still lose this week despite one day of crappy eating. I am bringing food for myself tonight to the bbq so that I can stay on track. Because I've evaluated my priorities- and I don't care about drinking tonight. I want to drink tomorrow. So tonight, I am GOING to stay on plan and stick to my points and tomorrow, after lots of exercise, I will be able to enjoy myself for the Rose Bowl.. when I do care.

I am done wallowing in one night's failures- and moving on full force- with exercise- to combat the fat, and the sugar, and the cravings for both.

Additionally, I realize, what I used to consume on a regular basis- with no exercise- without any thought- and I see-- clearly-- the path behind me that has led me here.

In the past, setbacks have killed the dream. In the past, more food would soothe the failure. More alcohol would help me not care and help me pretend that all I really want is a party- at any size, and any cost.

But that's not true. I'm done. I've hit my wall with being fat. And one setback is not going to kill my week for me. I am not going to gain on my first weigh-in in 2008. And I'm going to work my ass of this week to make sure of it. It's only Monday.

Soon, I will believe I'm worth it.

PREFACE:

I need to preface this post because I almost decided not to publish it. It's real. And honest. Not to say the rest of my thoughts so far haven't been honest, but this is different.

I almost didn't publish, because no one really needs to know how my mind backfires on me sometimes. It's personal and no one is entitled to it. But I thought again, and decided, it needs to be included, because it is a critical part of the process I am undertaking. And I'm not going to edit myself.

So before you read, you should know that I'm just fine and actually had a great night tonight! SO great a night, in fact, that it held up a great big, giant magnifying glass for me about the not-so-great stuff. And that is what is contained below...
____________________________________________________________

Emotional eating continues to be a struggle. Tonight I faced "fifth-wheel-dom" and being flaked on by a guy I should know better about by now.

I let feeling like an incomplete unit drive me to massive onions rings.*
I let the flakiness drive me to real ice cream.

I am full. Super full. And I feel guilty for eating crap when I know I didn't really want it.
I am irritated and ashamed that food has such power over me that it really does serve as a cure-all in my life. It's literally my drug of choice. I swear I've developed some brain hard-wiring that needs to be undone. The calm that I feel after even just the slightest binge of shoving even just a single fistful of food in my mouth, is akin to a hit for me.

THIS is what my struggle is all about. And it has finally hit me over the head and shown itself.

I know what to eat. I know how to exercise. I have ALL the means available to me to do this correctly and lose the weight. But I keep holding onto it because it is my excuse.

For anything that doesn't go the way I want, if I don't have the weight to blame, all that will be left, is me. I will be the reason I don't have what I want most. And I'm not prepared to live that. My defense mechanisms are too strong to let that happen. I don't believe I'm worth it. At the core. I am constantly struggling to be "worth it" to someone else... especially because I am just beginning to learn how to be "worth it" to myself.

I don't let anyone get too close- I don't want anyone to get too close- because I can't stand the potential loss. I can't bear the thought of someone walking away- of me not being worth the energy of someone sticking around to find out what I'm all about. Because that's all my subconscious knows ... on so many levels. So meanwhile, at the very bottom of my soul, where the truth sits, buried, I don't actually believe I'm worth it.

And I'm going to need that belief to change, in order to succeed at this. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that yet.

And still- a silver lining remains. I only ate one bowl of the ice cream- not the entire gallon carton of it. So something must be starting to click...

* And for those of you who didn't want to hear about the onion rings in this blog ;-) (you know who you are) ... just know I am perfectly capable of not eating them all on my own. You are not an "influence" of any sort. Because if it hadn't been that, it would've been something else just as diet-detrimental all on my own. And all by myself.

keepin it goin

I am down this lovely holiday week by 0.6lbs. I hit at total of 15.4lbs GONE! I am fully PAST my 5% goal and well on my way to 10%. I will not see these numbers ever again. This is basically an average of about 5lbs/month. I would ideally like to increase that number significantly, but I am definitely happy with it at the moment.

The Weight Watchers meeting was funny today. There were random side conversations about staying 'regular' as well as wedding planning/attendance commiseration. I also ran into a girl I went to high school with. All in all, the meeting was total trip. Hilarious hour of my life.

But, it was also a great inspiration to keep going. It gave me the notion that I really need to reflect a little bit more on 2007 so that I can make 2008 exactly what I want it to be.

dreadful anticipation

I've definitely done some stress eating in the last 2 days. But I've still tracked it all.
I haven't run in the last 2 days but I'm getting up bright and early to run tomorrow.
I haven't gotten all my water in, but I am downing some now.
Pinkberry might be my new indulgence, but I can buy Golden Spoon by the quart for significantly less.
I said no to hiking on Saturday, but I'm still going to weigh-in at my meeting faithfully.
I doubt this week's progress, but I know I've never been more committed to the whole process.

When I trained for the marathon, I used to repeat "Your body will forgive you; your mind never will." It tricks you into putting one foot in front of the other to forge ahead. Because you know if you did 20-some miles and gave up just before the finish line, it would be extremely difficult to forgive yourself the defeat. But I'm not at that point yet. I'm at the beginning- not the end. And it's hard to remember the start. I remember 8 miles for the first time hurt like a bitch. We ran out from the Marina along the Culver Blvd bike path, to culver city, and back. It sucked. Maybe I'd gotten new shoes or something for that run. And I remember, 10 miles was easy breezy. It was misty out- good running weather. I'd been cocky about that 8miler- not worried in the least- and got out there and felt it. But since I'd been knocked down by 8, I was humbled standing in front of 10, and it made all the difference.

I'm starting to get confident in my efforts, b/c I haven't been knocked down yet. It'll come. It might be this week. I think this writing is helping to keep me grounded in my efforts though.

I still must measure every tablespoon of my beloved "Better N Peanut Butter" (seriously the greatest stuff ever!) & my fat-free half&half. I'm starting to think I can eyeball it- but I can't.

I went to lunch today w/ an old friend- and I realized how the ordering out is getting easier. It all came naturally...
Fat free dressing on the side please
Half the cheese you normally put in please
Just water, thanks
No, you can have the last pita slice
Its amazing that I measured out 2 tablespoons of hummus on my plate, and that is all I needed.

I'm never sure how the week has gone. Especially after weighing myself every day and seeing the daily fluctuation... I never know what to expect come Saturday morning. This week of holiday & stress eating will be a true eye opener to how much I've managed to ingrain the new habits in me. Is it sick that I sort of actually look forward to the Saturday weigh-in moment? I dread it and strangely anticipate it now.

Shut Up & Dance

I managed to get in a 3 mile jog- which took me about an hour b/c I was slow. My route is below...

It felt so freakin great to be outside in the sunshine sweating. Who knew?

Also- I'm officially a child of the '80's- I listened to Paula Abdul - Shut Up and Dance- and George Michaels- along w/ some Britney thrown in for good meansure. How lame am I? ;)

happy whatever... i mean, happy holidays

This managing of the holiday eating is a tough business. I am upping the exercise to account for it and help burn the sugar. I am encountering food "pushing" and I mean, how can you turn down Grandma's cranberry bread baked especially for you? I certainly can't. At least not summarily. I am having to pick and choose and it is tough to decide to talk openly about it or to feign illness or something.

I am confident that with enough exercise, I will not gain this week. But I'm not so sure about a loss...

I went for a run in my new (well, "newish") neighborhood today. I like to be outside to exercise, I have learned. I went for about 45minutes- running 5minutes and walking 5minutes. And I was even able to do some real estate recon work while I was out. My goal right now is to increase the solid running time from 5minutes to 10minutes. And eventually work up to the point where I can continuously run for 30minutes, and then, an hour. Judging by today I can tell you that's going to take a long while... but I'm ready to tackle it.

5%? Check.

I lost 2lbs- exactly- this week! I am thrilled the weight continues to keep coming off. I am 0.3lbs under my 5% goal. I made it! So, come the end of January, I will be looking to hit that 10% mark. I am ready to kick it up a notch and work a little bit harder at bigger losses each week...

I am also thrilled b/c I finished a 2 1/2 hour hike today in Temescal Canyon? (I think, near Will Rogers...) The views were spectacular! (unfortunately, my camera battery was dead). Many thanks to my very own personal trainer Allison Fairchild. I seriously wanted to quit and went super slow and stopped to catch my breath like every 10 feet, but she was very patient and motivating with me. And with her help, I made it to the top of some crazy mountain (hill?). Thanks Al!

One day, not in the near future, I will go back, with a camera, and share the lovely views with you all.

Tomorrow, I will hurt, a lot- but the good hurt. No, not that good hurt. But good, nonetheless.

I went to El Cholo's after a USC basketball game tonight, and had Pinkberry today. And I may figure out the points tomorrow... but today, b/c I earned about 15+ activity points on top of my daily 33 points, I'm still pretty damn sure I stayed within my points ranges... I couldn't have picked a better day to eat at El Cholo's and actually enjoy it.

I am happy, exhausted, and confident that I can keep moving forward.

fat jeans

I fit into jeans that I haven't been able to wear in over a year!

They are my "fat" jeans that I bought reasonably recently in the land of jeans purchases. They are the "newest" and "fattest" jeans I own, aside from ONE single pair I bought 2-3 weeks ago, b/c THESE that I have ON right now, didn't fit then.

I haven't been able to wear them for a long while, and now, now I can.

That is all.

back on track!

The weight is back on track to where I was at the start of the week. I'm even down 0.2! So MAYBE in the span of just 2 days, I'll have lost even more for my weigh-in on Saturday. Basically I'm just thrilled right now that I don't think I'll have gained. (Note: my home scale varies from the WW scales... it is a constant battle to decipher the ratio.)

I have allotted and planned for some points on Fri. night to drink, so hopefully that won't affect things TOO much.

I made a huge pasta dinner last night and was still able to stay w/in my daily points (well, in addition to ONE point extra for the week)

As I continue to lose weight, I will continue to lose points I am allotted to eat for the day. So, I know at some point I am really going to be forced to start exercising regularly to earn "activity points" back.

This remains my top priority... even though I get frustrated, and have doubts... I remain confident that I can hit my goal by the end of 08... by hitting my "mini" goals along the way!

5% is it this week. Will I have lost enough to hit that 5% mark? I have no idea...

Isn't That the Point?

Every now n then, I convince myself I am not hungry, and that I just want a snack.

This is NEVER true. Well- I suppose maybe it could be true- its just that the end result is never good.

One snack always leads to 5 with me.

In lieu of a snack- I must always try to make a small, well-balanced meal.

I'm within my points- but on sugar overload- and needing to drink a few extra glasses of crystal light tonight to fill the hunger.

I think the extra water will help. I think the extra sugar will not.

In other news- I am toying with the idea of becoming a personal trainer. Not now, of course. But once I lose the weight. This is slightly inspired by watching the biggest loser finale tonight. I am enamored with Jillian. I wish I could be her- or better yet- have her as MY trainer. She is one of the most inspiring, bad-ass, people I've ever taken note of... in a "flying under the radar" sort of way.

Part of me thinks, that when I lose the weight, I would love nothing more than to work for Weight Watchers and become a trainer. That no day would ever feel like work... And that passion for what I'd be doing would just ooze out of my pores. And isn't that the point? Of everything?

I can see the wellness/fitness/spa facility I'll buy and build and manage, and franchise, now. ;)

Choose

--> "FREE. TO DO WHAT I WANT. ANY OL TIME."

--> No, Sarah, I do no want to look like the super skinny girl IN the dress... I just want the dress. In a size 10 or under.

--> This is the week I will make it, or fail. I can feel it.

--> Yes, long beach can be lonely. I know I cannot fill that with food anymore.

--> No, I am not perfect. And that IS ok.

--> Yes, I have a god damn choice. And I have control over more than I think I do. And, less than I think I do.

--> No, I have no eaten all of my points for the day.
--> And yes, I blew some on empty calories for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

The beginning is always hard and easy. It is hard to start, but once you do, it's pretty easy to keep moving-- b/c it's still new. But once the repetition sets in, you sort of have to start playing mind games with yourself to distract your body from the pain.

I could have written that about the marathon 2 years ago- or I could say it about my weightloss struggle today.

The past few weeks have been pretty easy... but this week, oh this week FEELS different. I have lost one point per day. My kitchen seems less "stocked" (even though it is). The period factor is rolling in this week (sorry if that's tmi for some of you). But it's a factor. Typically, I can gain 3 pounds during one week each month. And typically I spend the rest of that month, taking those 3 lbs off. I am DETERMINED to lose this week despite nature working against me.

The good news is- I don't have major holiday feasts in front of me like most people do right now. I can keep it in check. Alcohol is going to play a major role- or the lack of it. I need to keep it out of my system AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Activity... it's time to really add it in...

I have a choice- every day, every hour, every minute. It's up to me to choose correctly, as much as possible, and to let it go, when I don't.

"sometimes, is never quite enough"

I hate the daily fluctuation of the scale. I keep hearing my own edited version of Heidi Klum (a la Project Runway) running through my head: "In fashion, one day you are in, and the next you are out" except I hear "One day you are down, and the next you are up" ...

Did I mention I really enjoy having a supermodel's words echoing in my mind? It's awesome.

Another I really really enjoy- the good ol standby of Perfect by Alanis Morrisette...

"Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you - to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep Quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you / just the way you are / if you're perfect"

I don't have ANY issues w/ perfection. None. :) Repeat-central in my brain.

I swore that even though I was going to weigh myself every day- I wasn't going to make myself nuts over that daily number. I was just going to use it as a guide. Only. That's not working out so well. I choose not to adjust it. I know I still have to keep stepping onto that scale because it tells the overall truth- even though I disagree with it on some of the details... for the most part, it tells the truth. And I require that. So I'm just going to have to conquer the tape in my head.

I am not perfect- and that is ok.

[Laugher in my head- I don't really believe that.]

Yes- but I want to believe that- and that is a step in the right direction.

You have conversations with yourself too, right? :)

I'm still losing- even though I'm in a funk about it today.
I figure- this blog can't be all happy happy joy joy - it's all going swimmingly.
It's going fine- doesn't mean I have to like it every day.
Today is not the "I've had 50 carrots today and LOVE it" day.

Losing=Winning

I lost 2.2lbs this week. WooHoo. I ate Mexican food and SourBalls at Disneyland last night, and yet, I still lost. I am thrilled. ESPecially b/c my scale at home lied to me and told me I'd stayed the same. But I went to my weight watcher meeting anyway- thinking I hadn't lost, and w/o my partners in crime, and was so glad that I did!

I broke into a new weight range. You know, like if I was at 151, and dropped to 149 I'd go from the 150s to the 140s... I dream of that day- but for now, I am happy to be moving in a downward trend. With this loss, comes an adjustment to my daily points (ie- calorie, fat & fiber consumption). I lose a point. This is not a big deal, and it IS a big deal.

First, I have never really been able to keep the ball rolling so that I've actually dropped in my points values in the past. So I am thrilled to have made that progress.... But secondly - it opens my eyes to the fact that even though I am eating correctly now to lose, I am going to have to keep making adjustments over time. Right now, I could blow 6 points on a Reese's PB Cup, or 9 points on a croissant, and still work out the rest of my day and not feel that loss of points too painfully to spend on some empty calories. But I realize now, that I am going to have to KEEP making significant adjustments- on a routine basis- to keep losing. And I hate change. I categorically hate it.

But alas, I know it is what I need to get to where I want to be to thrive!

My goal was to hit my 5% today... to lose 5% of my current body weight. I am 1.2 lbs away from that goal. So- next week. Which is ok.

For as long as I have been trying to follow WW, I have never been able to lose a full 10% of my body weight. I also quit or sabotage RIGHT when I'm about 5-10 lbs away from it. So this time, I picked a smaller goal (5%). And hopefully, once I see that I can achieve that, doubling it and hitting the full 10% maybe won't be so hard. If I can do 5% by mid-December, then maybe I can hit 10% by February.

These are the little goals in front of me...
5% by 12/22/07 (adjusted from 12/15)
10% by 2/2/08

Once I've completed just ONE 10% loss- then I just need to keep repeating the process over and over and over again until I reach my goal- before the end of 2008!!!

Oh and get ready. I know I don't have any exciting New Yrs plans this year- and most people I know haven't made ANY kind of decision about what the hell to do THIS year. But I can FOR DAMN SURE tell you that NEXT year, I will be going BIG (in a tiny tiny dress)!

:::just a spoonful of sugar:::

I didn't go out tonight. I planned to go up to LA to watch the kball playoff game... but I did not.

I did not need::: the beer, the cold, the drive, the fries, did I mention the beer?

I missed::: my friends, and what I am sure was a good time...

I am thrilled::: I made a healthy dinner, stayed well under my points for the day, cleaned my house, drank a gallon of water, and watched The Biggest Loser.

I am less than thrilled::: I think my Dogtown days might be over. It'll be a "game-time" decision for the return. It'll depend on how much weight I've lost at that point and how in control I am in social settings on the eating and drinking.

Last January, I was super super sick and on antibiotics. So of course, I went out to Brennan's and played DD. And the ONE night I was sober @ Brennan's, I got pulled over. After that, I resolved to not drunk drive and I have stuck to it. I am able to stick to it, b/c I am so heavy, that it takes A LOT of alcohol to penetrate my senses. I can't wait... I can't WAIT to actually, literally, be a lightweight.

I am learning to put myself first. And that sort of sucks in a way, b/c I really REALLY hate missing out on things. I really think I hate it more than the average person. I cannot stand to miss things. But I am learning that I will have more time on this planet, to do more "things" if I take care of myself now. And I am learning how that means nourishment, and rest, and peace. And more importantly, how that means NOT junk food, fast food, sweets, treats, and binge drinking. And I am not very good at letting those healthier things creep in on me. I get bored with them. I am constantly looking for the next thing to DO. So I have some work to do to feel a little more comfortable hanging out with myself.

And I'm slightly bitter b/c all my friends in LB have someone to be with, even during their downtime. That's why I clung to LA long past my expiration date. There are always people, to do something with. And I hate that about Long Beach. But I know it's good for me. I hear playing in my head... "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down..."

what a fab wknd!

I have to say- this weekend has been GREAT. I lost just about 3 lbs early early on Saturday morning. AND, at that time, hit my 10pound mark since the end of September. I was thrilled about that. I just like nice round numbers. And then, I left the meeting early, to go do the SantaMonica-VeniceFunRun5k.

It was awesome. I'm so glad I dragged my ass up to LA early early on a Sat. We walked most of it and I was planning for a max of 20min miles for an hour finish and we came in about 10min under that, so I was quite happy w/ that also.

I continue to track all my points religiously. It is more effort that I thought it would be, but its starting to become more of a natural habit. I've learned that the more I can get IN the water, the fruit & veggies, and the exercise.... the LESS I let in the bad stuff.

But, on the note of the "bad stuff" ... I remain super proud of myself. Tonight I hosted a "Chrismukkah" Party complete w/ potato pancakes (aka latkes) and a noodle kugle and then we made sugar cookies. SOMEhow, w/ enough planning and knowledge of what points were floating around me, I was able to eat EXACTLY my points for the day. I may have 4oz of golden spoon fro yo for 1 point of my weekly allowance, but green tea may be enough... I'm just so proud of avoiding the over-eating at a gathering like that. That's usually my downfall. But Chrismukkah was super worth every point, and all the planning!

today i will

I have not exercised yet this week.

I have used all of my "extra" weekly points, already. Thanks mostly to Chanukkah and some realistic journaling on the actual point content of some foods I've had to eat out.

Based on my own "at home" daily weigh-ins, I don't think I'm losing. (I don't think I'm gaining either, so that's good, but still.)

I am eating out gain tonight and not really sure how to handle it. I hate sounding like Sally from When Harry Met Sally when I order. But I guess I'll have to get over that if I ever want to leave my house.

I AM however getting in ALL my water and have found some delicious rasperry green tea by crystal light that I am in love with to help keep that going.

I also signed my ass up for the Venice/Santa Monica Xmas Fun Run 5k on Saturday. Hooray! Anyone wanna come out w/ me do my 17min/mile pace of walking 3 minutes and running 1 minute? The LAST thing I did like this, I think, was the Los Al Base 5k about 1 month after I did the marathon... I am very proud of myself simply for registering- finally.

Today I will:
Go for a 30min walk/run
Stay within my "point" range- NO MATTER WHAT
Drink 8 glasses of water
Eat 4 servings of fruit/veggies

Boo.

I did not go to pilates. I did not lose this week. :(
I was surprised by that, b/c I was quite diligent this week, but there are many factors that could affect the loss on any given day and I know that.
So- :) I had lots of mimosas on Saturday- AND went to Roscoe's post-game.

The difference is that despite no loss this week- I remain super vigilant and committed.

Everything I overdid it on this weekend has been tracked & accounted for and I continue to track my points.

I think in order to remain in control of the food, I just really STILL need to limit the eating out. Point/calorie "guesstimates" just aren't good enough yet. Even measuring tablespoons and cups, etc. is still really important for me to get the portion control ingrained in myself.

I have a couple lunches this week to look out for, and the start of Chanukkah, but I think I'm ready to start exercising again. Maybe. I might need one more good week on the scale to propel me into the gym alone. We'll see. I'll have to go- b/c I've already used quite a few of the "weekly points" so if I'm going to make allowances for things like latkes and blintzes, then I will need the extra earned activity points....