Soon, I will believe I'm worth it.

PREFACE:

I need to preface this post because I almost decided not to publish it. It's real. And honest. Not to say the rest of my thoughts so far haven't been honest, but this is different.

I almost didn't publish, because no one really needs to know how my mind backfires on me sometimes. It's personal and no one is entitled to it. But I thought again, and decided, it needs to be included, because it is a critical part of the process I am undertaking. And I'm not going to edit myself.

So before you read, you should know that I'm just fine and actually had a great night tonight! SO great a night, in fact, that it held up a great big, giant magnifying glass for me about the not-so-great stuff. And that is what is contained below...
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Emotional eating continues to be a struggle. Tonight I faced "fifth-wheel-dom" and being flaked on by a guy I should know better about by now.

I let feeling like an incomplete unit drive me to massive onions rings.*
I let the flakiness drive me to real ice cream.

I am full. Super full. And I feel guilty for eating crap when I know I didn't really want it.
I am irritated and ashamed that food has such power over me that it really does serve as a cure-all in my life. It's literally my drug of choice. I swear I've developed some brain hard-wiring that needs to be undone. The calm that I feel after even just the slightest binge of shoving even just a single fistful of food in my mouth, is akin to a hit for me.

THIS is what my struggle is all about. And it has finally hit me over the head and shown itself.

I know what to eat. I know how to exercise. I have ALL the means available to me to do this correctly and lose the weight. But I keep holding onto it because it is my excuse.

For anything that doesn't go the way I want, if I don't have the weight to blame, all that will be left, is me. I will be the reason I don't have what I want most. And I'm not prepared to live that. My defense mechanisms are too strong to let that happen. I don't believe I'm worth it. At the core. I am constantly struggling to be "worth it" to someone else... especially because I am just beginning to learn how to be "worth it" to myself.

I don't let anyone get too close- I don't want anyone to get too close- because I can't stand the potential loss. I can't bear the thought of someone walking away- of me not being worth the energy of someone sticking around to find out what I'm all about. Because that's all my subconscious knows ... on so many levels. So meanwhile, at the very bottom of my soul, where the truth sits, buried, I don't actually believe I'm worth it.

And I'm going to need that belief to change, in order to succeed at this. I'm not sure how I'm going to do that yet.

And still- a silver lining remains. I only ate one bowl of the ice cream- not the entire gallon carton of it. So something must be starting to click...

* And for those of you who didn't want to hear about the onion rings in this blog ;-) (you know who you are) ... just know I am perfectly capable of not eating them all on my own. You are not an "influence" of any sort. Because if it hadn't been that, it would've been something else just as diet-detrimental all on my own. And all by myself.