On It

July was not a great month with the weightloss. I kept up with the training but just couldn't get enough cardio in. Because it takes like an hour a day now. Religiously. To see results. At a minimum. If you can believe it. 30 minutes of cardio is nothing now.

So I have commenced the Flat Belly Diet. My diet today has consisted of mostly cornflakes, lactose-free milk, blueberries, string cheese, grape tomatoes, low-sodium turkey, oh and sunflower seeds.

This also involves no alcohol -- for about a month. G-d give me strength.

There is like a 4 day "detox" of sorts (not really a "detox" but more a "jump-start") and then a 28 day very specific meal plan.

I'm on it. Because I am at my lowest adult-life weight. The last time I was majorly successful with Weight Watchers around 23 or 24, I hit this weight and then started putting it all back on. So this is like a set-point of mine that I am trying to bust through.

So maybe doing something different to change things up will help!

I am still aiming to hit 199 by the end of the year -- but it's going to take some massive work!

everyone has to sweat.

My monthly weigh-in is on Friday. I'm adding an extra training session in this week b/c I want the results to be GOOD. So far I've been down in inches and percentages, OR down on the scale, but not both. I want both this month. It may have to wait until next month but hopefully both will show this month.

I'm headed to the gym shortly. I feel like I'm not getting enough cardio in. I am. But, I feel like I'm not.

I've been wearing shorts... which is like unheard of in my world.

I had a glimpse of the girl I want to be the other day. I had a tank top & sporty shorts on, and tennis shoes, shades, and my hair piled up on top of my head. "Cute-messy-sporty" is what I'm calling the look. And I took my little pup Teddy for a walk. The sun was out. And in an instant, I felt ... "this is what it must be like..." -- to be thin -- to be happy -- to feel comfortable in your own skin -- to be healthy -- to smile up at the sunshine -- to not care what other people think -- to care what other people think and feel GOOD about what they're probably thinking -- to be thin -- to be happy.

And not that I am thin yet by any means. But I know I CAN be now. And I know I WILL be. And I can wear clothes I couldn't just a few short months ago. And I feel happy going for a walk, instead of sluggish and tired and fat.

More importantly, I had no idea that I'd been craving to know what that feeling was. But I was. Forever it feels like.

I think I might write a book one day; it could be all about how to find your happiness through sweat. Not everyone has to get a puppy. :) But everyone has to sweat. (Dont' fret, I'll be sure to include a chapter about proper skincare.)

Back by popular demand

Apparently a few of your actually like reading my updates & so to appease the requests being made-- here's a quick update for y'all! :)

I'm down approx 30lbs. I have a goal of being at 199lbs by 12/31/10... which I think is totally realistic & do-able.

I have since purchased & worn "normal" clothes at Anth, WHBM, & Ann Taylor Loft.

My trainer is amazing. My eating habits still leave something to be desired and I could always be getting more cardio in.

I can run again. Really run. I like to run to Britney Pandora, mostly.

It's really fun to shop for more than just purses, shoes, make-up & accessories. I love not being held hostage to those items alone now. There are still new fashion horizons to discover though.

People have noticed. (Thank you.) Which is great but also sometimes surprising & strangely embarassing. Not really, but in some small little place it is, somewhat.

I've been dating... not interested in any one person in particular currently but now I love picking out an outfit to go out on a date. Who KNEW that THAT could be fun? Not this girl. Never before. But now it is.

I am about 8-10lbs away from my lowest point of my adult life ever. I may hit that at my next weigh-in at the end of the month. That would be nuts. I worry about pushing thru that threshold. I remember I had walked to that Weight Watcher meeting from my old apartment near Overland & S.M. Blvd... and THAT feels like a lifetime ago. I was 22 or 23.

I'm older. Hopefully, I'm wiser too.

What Would You Attempt To Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

What's up 2011? :)

I'm ready to bring it - finally.

Personal training starts on Tuesday and I'm spending my Friday night at the gym.

My weight has little to do with food and exercise. It has everything to do with not having an emotional handle on a few issues I won't go into here except to say that I'm done.

I've resolved all outstanding personal issues weighing on me - literally.

I can't being to explain how free I finally feel. They key has been to face everything. To examine. To live with it all. To own it. Owning it, is going to allow me to bring it. A little bit of therapy never hurt anyone.

I want to be able to shop at Anthropologie, and White House Black Market, and Ann Taylor! And I want to buy their clothes - not just their bags & shoes. I want to not be forced into obsession with make-up because I simply can't be interested in the clothes.

I am obsessed with shows like The Biggest Loser and I Used to be Fat. I want to feel pretty and healthy. I want to feel normal. I want to sit in a seat at a movie theater on a date and not have that be the most self-conscious moment of the night.

I want to go on a "tour of jacuzzi's" like I did last summer and wear a normal fun bathing suit from a trendy local boutique - not one that has a skirt attached to hide the fat. I want to be able to take photos with my friends and not hide in the back or think about what angle this shot is coming from and how best to camoflague the fat. I want to stop HIDING.

I want to be normal-- and awesome.

And so it's time. The hard work begins again. This time does somehow feel different. They all have in the past in some way of course. You always think- I can do this. And then you fail anyway because you weren't prepared for the long haul. But I've got the tools in place to not relapse now. And the things that have always set me back in the past - the things embroiled in emotional turmoil - well they're not something I have to stuff down with food anymore.

My knee jerk reactions probably haven't changed yet... but I know better. And it will be ok.

It's going to be like the marathon. I'm going to live thru the pain until I've achieved what I set out to do. I know how. It's time to JUST DO IT.

There will be more updates - more of a chronicle-ing of the training and the process. Maybe shorter. Maybe longer. I'm not sure yet. But I do know that I want proof of what I'm going to go through to do this. It's going to be nuts. But I'm going to do it!

I feel suddenly free

More Biggest Loser viewing... makeover week. My favorite, I must admit. So inspiring to watch these transformations take place.

Things have seemed to be in spiral for me since last Friday. Fantasies have been blown apart. Dreams died. I feel like those are dramatic statements, but also true. Then the holiday hit. But... I know everything happens for a reason and I think I've just created the space in my life to make the changes I've been rolling around in my head.

Some doors were quietly closed on me. And others, I slammed shut myself. There's that saying about how when a door closes, a window opens, or something like that... maybe I believe that, maybe I doubt it. Maybe it's something people tell themselves to feel better when they lose. Or maybe it's just another way to think about change because it reflects the truth of life-- and it's ultimate transitory nature.

Mainly, I feel suddenly free. And instead of it being overwhelming and causing me to derail-- it's creating a sense of calm, determination, will.

I might fail... but that's ok. And that permission, is all I need today.

It must be something about November...

It must be something about November... somehow my motivation appears in this month. It's a couple months post birthday, with some time in front of me before New Year's. These are big markers in my head for many reasons... birthday, and new year's. My last post was in November '09 ... I did a detox that helped me lose weight and made me feel great! I'm currently watching a Biggest Loser marathon from my ever so helpful DVR. Every time I'm re-motivated, I think "this time will be different" -- but even that's the same. The very same, every time.

There are too many things that I've finally admitted to myself that I want - desperately - for my life, that the weight is holding me back from. Even that's wrong. The weight is an excuse. I keep the weight around as something to hold onto, to blame for the things I want, that I don't have.

I know what to do and how to do it and how hard I need to work at it and what to eat and how to work out and I continue to just. not. do. it. I fall into in-action during personal stress. What is ironic to me is that professionally, I do the opposite. Stress in the office? A flurry of action ensues... lead by professional confidence. I lack the confidence to act, personally.

Years of being the best friend of the hot girl all the guys want to date. Years of shopping for clothes in non regular stores. Cute, nice, awful, fat girl stores. Years of not really fitting into seats at movie theaters, or on planes. Years of dressing in layers to camouflage the spare tire around my waist.

And what continues to be amazing to me is that - I've run a marathon. I set down my pride and got dirty and disgusting and showed the fat in order to accomplish this goal. I gave up drinking, smoking. I set a schedule and got the proper amount of sleep almost every single night because I knew I would need it on a long run on the weekend. I gave up almost every single vice I've got (barring things like, carbs, those were still allowed). And I committed to a running schedule that I stuck to religiously, in order to do the miles, and get that medal, and yet, I won't do those things... to have the things I really want-- way more than some medal. WAY more than some medal.

I somehow need to figure out that I don't have to give up a social life, entirely, to also be healthy. Because right now I feel the need to cut everyone and everything off again, so that I can do this. THIS is what I don't know how to do -- balance.

I hate the people that this is effortless for. I hate people who don't have this problem. I feel the need to disassociate. I feel a distinct difference from people when I start getting successful at this. And maybe it's a reaction to me, feeling differently. But it is not in my head-- people are different when I start getting successful at this. And I don't know how to handle that. And it leads me to inaction. That's my gut instinct. But I really do hate you if you've never struggled with your weight. It is, exhausting. And devastating.

But I'm 31 now, and I've accomplished some amazing goals for myself this year. And it's time to do this. There is no tomorrow. Too many people are gone. The crappy, materialistic, inconsequential and selfish reasons for wanting the weight gone, are nothing, compared to the legitimate health reasons this MUST be done TODAY.

I went to the hermosa beach 24 hr fitness on Saturday and my head was not in the game. I mean- at least I went. But I needed an iPod with the zone programmed into it. And I needed for there not to be a million muscle men there... one of which I may or may not have "dated" ... unconfirmed. And I needed to have left my phone in the car so I was not distracted with work.

I need to make time for myself. Say no to the things that I know will be bad news for this goal. And I need to find a way for it to be different this time...

I've never liked Vogue

The half marathon was almost a month ago. I haven't signed up for my next race- but I will soon... I'm debating Huntington or OC... Feb or May... My LB medal is hanging on the corner of my television. Sometimes I don't even see it. Other times- I stop and stare.

I cut out a bikini model from Vogue. I've never liked Vogue. Which is strange-- almost every female I know can't help but be engrossed in it. Or at least - like thumbing through it. Not me. I never have. Never. But I bought one at the grocery store last night. I figured out I've never liked it because I never thought I could have ANYTHING in that magazine. Not the clothes, not the shoes. And not the style. Because when you're fat-- you don't even want to dream about those things. You just know you can't have them. And that is easier than wanting. But I've put this bikini model up on my fridge and I don't hate it. For once, I don't hate it. I'm inspired by it and I think I CAN have that.

I'm "detox'ing" right now. It's Dr.-supervised :) Don't worry. I have my own little version of Private Practice. I feel amazing on it. I'm not hungry at ALL. The only hard part is balancing my social life. Detox consists of 2 protein/fruit shakes a day. Unlimited fruits & veggies. Lean meat every three days. (I've been making these amazing turkey burgers for that! Sooo good! And all-natural supplements. I heart detox. Really. I feel so good. I've been telling all my friends detox is over on 11/20- and we're going OUT. But I'm kind of even afraid of that now, I like it that much. Don't get me wrong. I still can't wait to have an amazing cocktail that evening. But that's the thing- it will have to be A M A Z I N G for it to be worth it to me now.

I lost 7 lbs last week... and I should have an even higher number this week on detox. WooHoo! I've met w/ a few dr's and/or nutritionists / wellness peeps and I really believe at this point- with sincere and steady commitment, I can reach my goals within 6-8 months. I put the total and complete weightloss at a year on the outside. And that is so inspiring and motivating for me. I don't have to see the finish line, but I do need know it's going to come. That matters a lot. Having an internal clock for the future- helps the now- significantly!

I'm determined. And not settling.

"...I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah

...With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Change her mind and change her world

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."

~Sugarland

good or bad- it will be changed by the miles.

So, in about 8 hours, I will be crossing the start line for the Long Beach Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained nearly hard or long enough. But I know I will be fine. B/c I've done it before. And I get thru everything these days thinking "I've survived a marathon, I can get thru THIS."

I've been entrenched in race day preparations. Setting the watch, pinning the race bib, attaching the shoe timer/chip, carb loading, setting out the sunscreen & body glide, charging the ipod, & chugging water. I forgot. It all came back to me in a flash, but I forgot the person I was when I was doing serious marathon training. Staying in on Friday or Saturday nights, and that being totally ok- and great even. Knowing that a whole world of fun was going on outside my mileage prep bubble, and not caring in the slightest. I know how to be, and very much like, this girl. But I forgot.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I mean, I know it. Let's be real. 13.1 ain't a stroll in the park. But I can do it. And that's why I need to write this down now. Because tomorrow I'm going to think something entirely different, good or bad, it will be changed by the miles.

If I need to register for a half marathon every couple of months to keep myself in this world, then that's what I'm going to do. Because I remember when I ran 8 miles EVERY Saturday as a *maintenance* run when I wasn't doing a long run. I used to call 8 an easy breezy run. And it was! I want that back.

One day I want to actually be able to wear the race t-shirt TO the race and have it fit AND look good. Right now, it just fits. Which, is more than I used to be able to say actually.

I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping already but I can't. I will- soon- but not yet. Right now I want to capture this moment of anticipation. This moment of knowing I can do it. Everything I read back in '05 said it is very difficult to lose weight when you're training for your first marathon. But that day is over and now I want to do manageable distances, consistently.

I like this moment, and this person. I want to convert this into energy and use it for the weightloss battle. I want to keep running off the pounds. Goals and events like this keep me IN it.

I know I can

It is amazing how quickly I start looking at and thinking "big picture." I have problems with the whole tree vs forest metaphor. In a given moment, I can only see the trees. I can only see the food right in front of me and I don't feel like I make good choices in those given moments. But left alone to my own devices with food and exercise off the table, I start thinking in terms of grandiose goals and projects for myself. And ONE day I am going to learn that this is my demise!

The Focus: November 1st. That is all. 10 lbs. That is all.

Today:
Breakfast, er, lunch really - organic waffle, greek yogurt w/ agave & blueberries on top
Dinner @ Bodega: hummus & pita, chopped salad, 2 glasses white wine

I'm pretty sure I stayed well w/in my calorie targets but I don't think this day went out super nutritionally.

I need to get better at eating every 4 hours.

Actually, before 11/1, I really just need to focus on the race on Sunday. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained hard enough-- but I KNOW I can DO it.

Because my body will forgive me, but my mind never will.

And I remember now that I can do this... keeping things simple

The blog is back! Many of you have asked me what's going on w/ the weightloss and the blogging. I stopped for awhile, initially because I was freaked out about my personal life being archived on the web for eternity. And I still am. So I may do some editing and censoring, but we'll see how it goes.

I reviewed my initial post - almost exactly 2 years ago. And I remember now that I can do this. I was losing weight pretty steadily then from November 07 to March 08... and then I started playing kickball again in Huntington and it somehow all went to hell.

Now, I don't think kickball was the prob. I think the lifestyle I chose (/choose) to lead when I'm playing kickball IS the problem.

So- I am becoming a hermit again. As much as I can possibly stand. Fall seems to be a good time for me to keep these things in check.

Also- the long beach half marathon is Sunday. I've done LITTLE training for this but I am DETERMINED to finish even if my body hates me for it. I did 26.2 once upon a time... I can conjure up the will. I will!

I will turn 31 on September 1st, 2010 which is a Wednesday. And USC plays at Hawaii that following Labor Day weekend. I dream of a trip to that game, actually being able to fit WELL into CUTE 'sc game attire... and a hot bathing suit for Hawaii beaches.

I am also in a wedding on Feb. 13th and will have another bridesmaid dress to parade in, so that should provide ample motivation as well

But instead of making crazy year long goals of hundreds of pounds... I am keeping things simple. 10 lbs in 1 month. My goal is to drop 10 lbs by November 1st, 2009.

And that is ALL I am going to focus on-- nothing else. I will not look beyond Nov 1st and I think everything's gonna be ok.

prison

Maybe the point is not to do something crazy... maybe the point is to ingrain the little things into everyday life.

Or... I could go to The Biggest Loser Audition on Saturday...

God. I could run a marathon- with the weight....

Imagine what I could do if I could just drop it. Just set it down. Just let it go.

If I could run a marathon ... why can't I seem to do THIS?

It was a public commitment. It was for a cause. It had a finite time limit.

Have I given up? I keep seeing these previews for "more to love" and I think about how reality tv is catching up to reality... (ya ya, i know, but you see my point). I think to myself- I should be on that show... but I don't WANT to be on THAT show.

I want to find love because I'm truly happy with myself. And I'm not- with this weight. So it must wait. And I am putting my whole life on hold. My whole, entire, life. Everything waits.

Someday- someday when I'm thin. Someday when I can wear the clothes I want. Someday when I don't struggle EVERY day to figure how to camouflage the fat, and the prison it represents.

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the one time I started to achieve things I really wanted at the end of high school was when I was taking phen-fen. I remember the outfit I wore on my 17th birthday, exactly. It's the tiniest outfit I've ever owned in my entire life.

I'm very very very close to actually considering surgical options. Almost. I really don't want to. But my 30th birthday is almost exactly one month away and I am miserable because I am already dreading the photos. Already.

And despite the misery over it - I can't seem to effect change. I hold myself in prison. And nothing seems to matter.

I went BACK to weight watchers today. I have a weightloss history on their books dating back to 2002. How different would my life be right now if I'd taken the time to figure this out then?

I had the discipline to do that freaking marathon... somewhere within me I will find the strength to do this... now...

the urgency

I have about 4 drafts of posts I've written over the last couple months. I couldn't click "publish post." I think this is mainly b/c it was extensively "stream of consciousness" writing-- though that's never stopped me before... So maybe I don't really know why I didn't publish them. Maybe I just wasn't ready.

In any case-- people have been asking about the blog and where I am at with it all. The answer to that is that I've gotten everywhere- and nowhere- all at once.

I am at a standstill on any actual concrete losses. I've fluctuated in my weight watcher attendance, and in my weight. But mentally, I've shifted.

I feel desperation settling in the pit of my overly large stomach.

Back in Nov. '06 when I started this blog and was actually pretty successful at taking some of the weight off... I was desperate then too. It's a feeling unlike anything I can truly describe. It's the knowing, with absolute certainty, that if something is not done NOW, I might die, soon. And I will definitely be miserable leading up to that day. It's the feeling of not being good enough. And it feels disgusting. Because in the end, this life or death feeling can be conquered. It doesn't have to be that. It's not an uncontrollable illness (at least not in the traditional sense). And it should be something that can be conquered. It should be.

That anxiousness is starting to take hold again. The urgency. The self-disgust that propels into action instead of paralyzing into stillness. I will not be sedentary. I refuse.

I've hired a trainer. So what?
I'm following Weight Watchers. And?

It doesn't seem like any of the proactive steps I've taken are helping. And I think it's because I'm just going through the motions.

I need to be working out 2-4 hours/day. 2 in the a.m. and 2 at night.
I need to not just be watching "points" but food's nutritional value and timing and metabolism.
I need to be doing MORE.

I am not doing enough to effect change. I'm going to have to become a hermit again for a little while. That's the only way I know how to do this successfully. I cannot be in control of this and be social. I cannot meet you for dinner, or lunch. I cannot set foot in a bar. I do not know how to be a normal person AND succeed at this at the same time.

I tossed out old and crappy food & will soon be visiting Trader Joe's to stock up on healthiness.
I will be at the gym at 6am tomorrow. I'm back to going public w/ my quest because lord knows I can only use more accountability. I hate it, but I need it.

Starting again. Ugh. I've done it a million times. I still refuse to give up.

I feel determined. I may even apply to the Biggest Loser show. Really, I just might. Because I don't want to have surgery. I don't want the lapband, nor gastric bypass, nor do I think I'm going to be able to do this thru any "normal" means anymore.

I'm going to have to do something CRAZY! And I'm going to do it-- I just haven't figured out what "it" is yet...

2008: A Year of Fluctuation

revealed or not

I wanted to lose 3 lbs this week. I didn't. I lost 1.4lbs. I'm ok with it. I am headed in the right direction again, finally.

I just ate a red velvet cupcake that calorieking.com tells me works out to about 12 points. Oops. I'm just going to have to make a huge lovely salad for dinner tonight, and maybe go for a walk, to help out w/ that.

I have aspirations to get the eating under real control again in the next few weeks and then kick up the exercise. A trainer might be in order - for real. Hehe.

This is a lifelong business and I just can't expect it to magically happen overnight... but at the same time I can't use that as an excuse to fall off the food/exercise wagon.

I'm in overhaul mode -which I do. I get into these modes periodically and determine to reform my life to make it match the picture in my head.

"There's only us- There's only this- Forget regret- or life is yours to miss." ~Rent

I have to get over all the time I've lived as a fat girl. It doesn't mean I must be a fat girl forever. It just seems that way.

I sit in Portfolio Coffee House right now (the provider of the evil red velvet cupcake) but also the provider of this new fave fab green iced tea (seriously- it's SO good) ... and I am listening to "I'm coming up - I want the world to know - Got to let it show"

Every moment has it's purpose, revealed or not.

believing ~ needing ~ not giving up

I went back to Weight Watchers today.

I've had an iced triple grande nonfat latte w/ splenda, and a croissant. That's about 14 points. I used to get about 30-33 points in a day... I'll have to recalculate...

I have TONS of healthy stuff in my house that I plan to make for dinner tonight... I will not eat fast food! I will not I will not I will not.

Also- and this is going to sound ridiculous... but I'm going to be able to exercise more b/c I've found I can actually wear my hair curly and not straighten. I know that seems like a feeble excuse but you just have NO idea how much work it is to straighten my hair. Even if you think you know- you do not. And so having found a way to go curly and not hate it is actually going to improve my work out motivation. I know that seems nuts but it's actually a HUGE deal and I'm so happy about it.

Last March, I'd lost almost 30 lbs and had reached my 10 % weightloss goal. Most of that weight is back so I'll be focusing on my 5% goal first... 14 lbs.

The 1st week back is usually great - I could, in theory lose 5 lbs this week if I'm really good about it. And I plan to be. So, from there out, if I work out AND watch the eating, I can do about 2lbs/week. I'm looking at about 6 weeks here to hit this goal. IF I kick my own ass. Playing this game is dangerous. It sets up expectations. But I'm about 2 months away from a wedding & bachelorette party in Vegas to attend... and about 5months out from my 30th birthday. So god help me, I am DOING this NOW!

The other thing is that I might have to stop drinking, period. I'm not sure I can eliminate this aspect of my life entirely right now. Right now I'm looking at a once/week rule. Counting the points in alcohol just isn't enough. It somehow makes your body hang on to the fat. It makes working out harder. It leads to more smoking which is also awful. So... once/week. That's it.

I'm thinking about a run/walk every morning. And I'm thinking about doing the LB Half Marathon in October. I listen to my body and I hear it laughing at me. I don't know how I ever ran a marathon but I am immensely thankful I did that because it allows my brain to believe that I can do ANYTHING. And I need that right now. I need to hold on to the belief that I can push myself into normal sized clothing. And that marathon is maybe the only thing giving that to me right now.

I took a year off from watching the food & exercise. Ultimately. And so I start again. Like so many other times. I can't even tell you how this time is different. But I won't give up on myself.

must

This was a draft on 2/16, after I barely completed Bootcamp... a month later I'm ready to publish because I know what's coming next now...

***

Alright. Bootcamp is over. I stuck it out - mostly. But I don't think its totally for me. Maybe I just didn't click w/ the trainers. Or maybe I just hate push-ups. I did LUV the "hill" days where we had to run signal hill so I might go torture myself on my own sometimes when I want a hard run... which, when is that? But- you get the idea.

I am looking into personal training. I get bored. I have exercise ADD. I can't keep doing the same thing. I might go back to Pilates - both at 24 hr fitness & at the JCC.

I think time at the JCC would be good for me (no commentary from those of you who are haters- you know who you are). ... And it would be good for me to wear some Beach Equities stuff in the gym there. Overall, it'd be good for business. I'd totally be that girl- but maybe I am her. Eh, even I can't buy that. For those of you unfamiliar w/ the JCC - its just a *whole* lotta social politics. I have a luv-hate relationship w/ "the center" but... they have a really great gym.

I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers- but I think maybe I should. I'm not really that great at holding myself accountable.

I want to be independently wealthy so I can have a trainer, a nutritionist/chef, and a housekeeper. Alright - only 2 out of 3 are weightloss related but a girl can dream. But you know- even having the chef would not really problem-solve for me.

I LIKE TO GO OUT! I hate staying home period - so I hate staying home for meals.
This is ironic for me to type after making a lovely breakfast for myself, sipping my delish hazelnut coffee, while I stay in on my couch and out of the rain- not leaving my house. But this is not the norm.

I feel like I think and say the same things over and over and over and over again.
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry
And again~
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry.

Must find husband...

I think they are all connected and I won't touch any of them w/ a 10 foot pole if I can help it.
I hate doing laundry b/c if I have clean clothes and "don't have anything to wear" then it's my fault. The clothes, connected to the weight, connected to the health- and the confidence necessary to develop a great relationship... to not having that confidence... to sitting on my couch not doing laundry. Ahh the cycle.

I do everything for everybody else. I'm tired of working to please everyone else (except my clients - I still want to please them) :)

[This is where the contemplation trailed off and I got back to work...]

day 1 down...

I survived day 1 of bootcamp this a.m.
I have a smoker hacking cough.
I'm quitting. Even though I kind of want a cigarette even as I type that.
I'm quitting. For good.

I made a smoothie, and coffee. I will eat every 4 hours or so. And I will not make crazy rules for myself. I will just do the best I can.

I joined their weightloss challenge. $20 into the pot. $2 per lb gained. It works like biggest loser - the person w/ the highest % of weight lost wins the pot - or the top 6 ppl do or something like that.

Dude- I am totally going to WIN this shit. Nothing like a little competition to motivate!

I'm going to be sore tomorrow... and there is a "hill" day looming up on signal hill... talk to me then.

this time around

Well the time has come to get back on the wagon. I'm about a net 10 lbs down from when I started LAST Thanksgiving... when I started... when I started trying... when I started admitting... when I started caring, or admitting that care... when I started wanting, badly, enough... to take action.

And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.

If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.

The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.

That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.

But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.

It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.

I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.

But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.

The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)

I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.

Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.

I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.

I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...

the scale will tell

I'm weighing in tomorrow instead of Saturday... I went to pilates monday & today. I've stuck to my points... but not *super* carefully. There was definitely a purchase of a twix bar - but I counted it. We'll see. I don't "feel" like I've lost this week.

But the scale will tell...

the week I am living in

I made my 2 point coffee (soy creamer + 1tbsp of honey). I made my 1 point english muffin w/ faux butter spray. I had organic soy cream- and spray butter... maybe the organic healthy-ness and the chemicals are a wash? Maybe? :) I hope.

I am having a biz lunch at my ol' stomping grounds of Bonjour Bagels in Los Al. I will be having the Americana - turkey on an 'everything' bagel. So delish. And then b/c of that, I will need to have a salad for dinner.

There are no pilates classes anywhere on a Friday. I felt this last week but I didn't confirm it to be totally true until last night. I'm sort of getting hooked on pilates. I suck at it- but I really like it. And I feel AMAZING after each class. The class I went to last night was at the huntington 24hr, which I don't normally go to. It was a different instructor and ALL kinds of hard. No wonder I never went back last time I tried it a few yrs back. Anyhow, for now I am fine w/ my low budget pilates. And I should probably get to a point where I am doing more cardio also. But I kind of want like a Pilates trainer and to go to a strictly pilates/yoga studio and become one of 'those' people. Ha. I soooo, am not. But I could be.

Once I GET thin- or maybe once I hit a certain goal mark yet to be determined, I will make that my reward. Wouldn't that be so healthy? An exercise reward. Good god, what am I saying? :)

In any case, I am back to chronicling my healthy habits I am instilling in myself. When I started this I noted, "I write to hold myself accountable." And let me tell you, when I'm not writing about what I am doing- I'm a trainwreck of dieting disaster. So it's good. I'm back on track. I like it. I'm not going crazy with timelines and goals... yet. It's enough to just focus on losing in the one week I am living in today.

crucial

I'm turning it around- slowly but surely. Out of the darkness.

I lost 2.2 lbs last week. I believe I'm on track to lose another two at my weigh-in with Weight Watchers on Saturday a.m.

I'm in control. And I care again.

Crucial to my success:
- Making coffee @ home to keep me out of starbucks
- 2-3 point muffins
- 100 cal english muffins
- crystal light
- http://mobile.weightwatchers.com
- knowing my plans in advance
- limiting alcohol
- cooking! I'm actually doing it!

I kind of actually CAN cook- when I trust myself. Or when I do it more frequently. The more I do it- the better I get at it. :) I feel www.hipcooks.com coming on again soon.

I am really really tired of the fat photos, the fat clothes, and the fat glances from men. I'm tired of being uncomfortable.

And at this point- almost a year later - having lost about half of my original success - I'm really unclear on just what it is going to take for me to finally take the weight off. Because it's not about not knowing how... it's completely an emotional response and buffering from the world.

I'm most miserable in the summer - b/c it's bathing suit season.
But I get happy again when fall comes. I like the colder weather- and more covered clothing to go with it.

I'm learning that I don't stand up for myself... on so many levels... and that must stop- in order for this endeavor, and me, to succeed!

Oh healthy day

10.13.08

So... I am off my starbucks addiction- not my caffeine addiction- but my starbucks addiction.
I made 2 point apple cinnamon muffins for breakfast. I made coffee at home.
I am going to Pilates at 7pm tonight.
I did the Long Beach 5k yesterday. I need new shoes.
I am going to do the Dana Point 10k on Thanksgiving.
And the Surf City Half Marathon on February 1st.

My house is clean. More importantly, my kitchen is clean. My fridge is empty but my pantry is stocked. I just need things like milk...

finding motivation

On the list of my super priorities in life- or, in each individual day- I just can't seem to make myself go to the gym. I can't find clean work out clothes- or socks - or even my tennis shoes right now. I have no idea where they are.

My couch has never felt more comfy. I work from it w/ my laptop. I watch tv on it. I even sleep on it occasionally. Alright alright- the last 3 nights. I know!

I need to sign up for a trainer. I need to JUST go for a walk. Oh b/c ALSO- I'm supposed to do the Long Beach Half Marathon in a week and a half and haven't run in probably more than 2 months. I keep waking up thinking- today I will do an 8miler test run to see if I can still pull it off. Instead I put it off. I'm so feeble. Who thinks they can do 13.1 miles without training? Who does that? No one. Well, maybe some Kenyans. But they probably CAN.

I would like to be independently wealthy so that I can have a chef, trainer, and maid. Ahh that would be the life. :)

changing... slowly...

I am tracking my points. I am signing up for a personal trainer at 24 hour fitness. I WILL keep doing this... because life is short, and I want to enjoy it, more. In the moment... and for a longer period of time...

I made crystal light- and did my dishes. And I have lean cuisines and smart ones in my freezer to keep me on track.

I bought stuff for a salad yesterday, and made it last night... and I will make it again.

Because I think I need to eat a salad a day... and maybe an apple a day as well.

Little changes. Little changes. I must commit to them.

somehow

My eating still isn't under control. And I'm not exercising. But here's the thing- I'm not going out. I'm working hard and keeping a regular schedule. This past weekend was insanely busy- and crazy fun. And I became immensely aware of how I operate on a regular basis. I let other people have control - for a variety of fears and anxiety and people-pleaser tendencies.

I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.

It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.

I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.

The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.

It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.

I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.

I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.

Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.

Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.

Somehow.

the wait, the want, the will

I attended a Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday. Then I went to a big fat greek party.
I ordered a pizza on Sunday - with cinnamon sticks. I also had about 3 coke zeros.
Today I've had a croissant, a pastry, a starbucks coffee and a peet's iced tea.

I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I'm definitely addicted to the habits of interaction that are the anonymity of coffee & tea establishments.

I'm really considering more greek food for dinner + pinkberry.

What I need to do is clean my kitchen and go grocery shopping. I need to clean up my apartment- b/c when its messy, I am lazy. I need to stock my house with the fuel I need to continue the good efforts, instead of fall into the bad, of take-out, and laziness.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

No- that's not a glitch.

I need to go running!

I need to buy this flat iron called "the croc" so I can easily get my hair to go from damp, to straight. My old one broke... and seriously- I can't deny- this is something hindering me from working out. Straightening my hair is SUCH a bitch, but I hate it otherwise... so I avoid working out- so the straightness can last longer. I need to just buy that damn iron again- despite the cost. So I am happy.

I need to go back to 24Lift ...

I am signed up for the LB Half Marathon on 10/12 and god help me but I'm going to do it. Some way- some how. I think I've forgotten how hard 13.1 can be when you're not doing an easy 8 on a regular basis. Where is my running watch? And I need to replace the battery...

I just keep refusing to take ACTION with the things I know I need to do to be successful at this...

What will happen if I'm successful? Why do I keep sabotaging it? What is wrong with me that I somehow enjoy staying in this state of hell. There has to be some payoff or I would get OUT of it already.

I don't understand... b/c I want the fab clothes... and I want the relationship... and I want the hot heels... and I want the bathing suits... and ability to sit comfortably on an airplane- or at a restaurant table. And I don't have any of those things now... and I know they are worth the work to me.

But for some reason- the comfort of the food-shoveling action is more enticing in a given moment than any of those things. And in fact, they help numb the saddness that I can't have any of those things UNTIL I lose the weight... The wait.

my silver lining of today

I feel like it looks outside- grey & dreary. And part of me LOVES it. And part of me is just dreary.

I like that I can hide in a sweatshirt again.

A few days ago...
I made brownie mix ... I put water & oil into brownie mix, but no eggs... so I could just eat the mix.
I even ate some of it a day later. That's gross.

Hooked on starbucks muffins and croissants, again.

My car is clean- and, there is no food in it- and, that's my silver lining of today.

the promise... all in good time

I haven't eaten the healthiest of items today... but they've all been super low in points.
I am having Fortune Cookie tonight which I am very excited about and for which I have diligently saved my points.

I revised my goals and expectations today. I made an excel spreadsheet- with formulas n everything! :) I believe I can take off the less than 10lbs to get back to my ORIGINAL 10% weight... and I believe I can hit the 2nd 10% lost by the end of the year. I also believe that I can weigh 160lbs -- my goal weight -- before the end of 2009.

I just can't fall off the wagon anymore. I'm wasting months. I really wanted to have accomplished this before my 30th birthday. I could have, but I wasted time. I still hope I can pull it off by then, but after running the most realistic of numbers, it's really going to be before the end of '09.

I know I should only be looking at today but the promise of having a new body in a little over a year makes me so happy. And I do know that I can do it- I just can't fall off the wagon anymore.

As my original WW leader Lori Fusaro often said- it has to be like brushing your teeth. You can't imagine going a day without tracking your food. It has to be that ingrained in your life that you just do it automatically without thinking.

It's the thinking right now that is making me sort of miserable about it. But I know that can be gotten over too. All in good time.

right?

I ate a 2-point ice cream sandwich for breakfast... I might have 1 more and some coffee...

I'm not going to run today b/c my hair is straight and I like it that way- and straightening it might actually be more work than running.

But I'm tracking... even tho I find what I am eating completely wrong, I am writing it down... so, uh, that's good right?

right now

I woke up dreaming about a croisssant at Starbucks. In, literally, the blink of an eye, I realized the sickness of my ingrained habits.

I had 3/4 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats w/ 1/2 cup of milk- all measured out. I didn't like it. And I wrote it down. I wasn't hungry after I ate it- but I didn't feel full like I do after a croissant... and I didn't get my morning interaction w/ my barista and the random strangers that I apparently adore so much.

Instead, I made bad coffee in my mobile french press mug... and 2 hours later subsequently bought an iced coffee at CBTL b/c it was next to the gas station I was at.

I had a bag of mini pretzels that luckily I was too lazy to drag out of my car from the grocery store last night so they were conveniently present for a mid-morning snack.

I am walking the walk, at least for this morning.

"If your life is going to be wedded to a slur, it might as well be a colorful one."

So I read this book called Drunkard by Neil Steinberg. The cover had lime green lettering with a large ice cube and it screamed "You need to read me!" from the shelf of a Barnes & Noble and I purchased it on Friday night. I was done by 3:30pm on Saturday. It is not a thin book. It is the memoir of one man's struggle with alcoholism. But it is not just for alcoholics. It is a book for anyone facing an addiction, anyone trying to climb a mountain, anyone who is not perfect, and anyone who maybe thinks they in fact are perfect... and they've always wondered what the other side is like. I'm pretty sure that having read this book is going to be one of those important turning points in this journey for me. I can't be certain, but I have that feeling... that mattering feeling you get when you know something is important. It's not a how-to book. I like those. The lists and forms and calendars in them make me feel calm and in control. Drunkard is a tale, a chronology, a documentary. It is honest and it does not suppose to tell you there is hope for you... the only message is "This is my story" ... not to discount the actual many messages... but really, that's the bottom line.

I tell you about this book almost in the same way that the author speaks of one of his AA meetings... because its one of things that has led me to today.

I lost 3.6lbs at Weight Watchers today... I weighed in at a meeting. Alone. And I sat alone. And I listened to the ra-ra message trying to use the Olympics to inspire the members to move more- not even to exercise- but just to move. And I saw again, the way I used to think of it when I started years ago, how WeightWatchers is really similar to AA. The blessing and the curse... the blessing is that food is not physiologically as addictive as alcohol. The curse is that you can't decide to never eat again to lose weight.

And I know there are probably a bunch of recovering alcoholics who would hate that I can make this comparison b/c how can this possibly be the same.... but I'm pretty sure for me, that it is exactly the same.

A craving. Always on your mind. Where is the next drink coming from? How good will it be? And eventually it doesn't matter to the point of desperation of drinking the cooking vanilla in your kitchen cupboard. I have shoved countless amounts of shitty shitty junk food into my mouth without ever tasting it. Its not hunger. Its to feed the addiction. The loneliness and lack of rational thought leads me to the food and its never a question- of course I'm going to eat everything. B/c the fuller I can make myself feel- the less empty I seem. Its a type of numbing process that I've honed since a child.

And I'm not sure that Weight Watchers will work. But I also don't want to be one of those people to have to resort to surgery. Nor do I want to die from a stroke, or heart attack, or develop diabetes. I'm on that path. And I can't always make myself buy-in to the WW spiel. I was "on the wagon" w/ this endeavor for quite a few months- and I had some success... but I fell off the wagon, and I've been off doing some damage.

I'm finally sliding back on- I lost this week which is great but I"m more concerned with this coming week now. What will I eat? How will I avoid the bad stuff? Can I still make the right decisions if I am social? And haven't I been slowly isolating myself so that I will have no one and nothing left to do but hang out with myself and exercise and eat at home.

I'm pretty sure I am addicted to the stuffed & numbing sensation that over-eating provides me. I'm pretty sure that if I did have the surgery instead of doing this myself, I would end up a Drunkard. Because I am not someone who needs to lose 30lbs or their baby weight or their freshman 15 or 40 as the case may be. I have a lifetime of disappointment, regret, and loneliness hanging around my heart and I know how to physically get rid of the weight. Calories in and calories out.

But until I deal with why... I am never going to succeed. I can track everything I eat now- but its just the wagon. I'll keep falling off again and again until I get to the bottom of the black hole.

And the thing is- I don't really want to get to the bottom of it because its pretty scary. I wish I could go somewhere for 28 days that would detox me of my food addiction and I could come out not eating, ever. Sadly, I must eat to live and I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to make the right choices. Because I hate them. Just like the Drunkard believes he can handle 1 glass of wine that turns into a week-long bender on Jack... I find a way to rationalize whatever it is I'm putting into my mouth at any time. I have a reason for everything and I'm always starting over. Relapsing.

Isn't anyone else sick of me relapsing? No. Because I don't get dysfunctional like a drunk... instead I get fatter. So as long as I can pretend to live with that, there are no consequences, until my health collapses.

When there are no consequences, I don't change. Because I don't have to. Hell, even when there are consequences, I don't change. Because I care more to support my food binging habits that somehow make my world ok, than I do if I end up in the hospital. That may not be true deep down, but that's how I act on every single given day.

And haven't you heard...?
Beware of your thoughts for they become your actions. etc etc

The catalyst to change for the Drunkard in the book was a night in jail. The law forced him into rehab. No one is going to force me into anything over weight loss. There is no crime. There are no legal ramifications. There are mostly only serious health consequences...
those clearly aren't having any effect on my actions...

But this book, this book opened my eyes to the true nature of my habits... almost all of them... they are an addicts habits. The cravings, the needs, the price and joy in the ritual, the feeling that it my god damned right to do as I please if it makes me feel good, the shame, the disbelief at how much of a choke-hold it has on your day-to-day life, the unforeseen triggers, the unfolding hell with strict, dark, blinders on.

But it opened my eyes- and reminded me that if I am to eliminate some habits or activities or joy- that I better find something to replace it with. Hopefully I'll be willing to keep my eyes open long enough to make some real, actual, measurable, progress.

... I want not to post this right now as its 3:30am and I've had a lot of caffeine keeping me up... but even as I type, I know I'm going to anyway. Because even if its rough and needs refining and maybe some clarity... the heart of it is true and correct... and if I let it go, I'm just going to censor it down until its a funny anecdote about a book I read that maybe has some relevance to this. When the reality is, I have to post this now before I stop myself, because it's real, maybe critical. And I'm just tired enough to let it be.

one day

I haven't given up. I've gone back to actually weighing-in at Weight Watcher meetings. I'm up 0.4 lbs this week from last.

I am back to tracking my food. This seems to be the key to success. Regardless of exercise, regardless of junk food or alcohol consumption, as long as I track it all, I do ok.

Today, so far, I have had a vivvanno smoothie from starbucks, and a smart ones frozen lunch of yummy quesadillas. I have 19 points left in my day and my full weekly 35 flex points to counter act any problems that may arise in sticking to my regular daily points.

I'm getting my water in, and I will have fruits and veggies at some point today too.

One day at a time. Tracking. Not giving up...

Because I hate my current pix.
Because I want to shop in normal stores.
Because I freaking said I would do this, so I am...

Even if it's slow
Even if I hate it often
Even if I have to keep living the same failures, I will keep on...

Because one day,
I will win.

The Front

No, I didn't really want that job anyway.
No, I wasn't really into him anyway.
No, I didn't want to be involved in your wedding anyway.
No, I didn't really want to be invited to the party/vacation/happy-hour anyway.
No, I'm good to drive.
No, I'll meet you there.

Yes, I'll be fine, alone.

And in the single, solitary, deathly quiet moments drowned out by blasting music, frenetic speed, and swirling smoke, food is my companion.

Because there is no one else as reliable, available, and non-judgmental. The food doesn't have to care; it just has to be there. It might be the only thing I trust to show up for me.

And the connection is so addictive. I've never been able to break it. And I'm so worn out from trying, so hard, to keep failing.

...and now I am...

I'm up early. I'm going to work out today. I have re-logged-into weightwatchers.com to track my points and all my crazy eating. I have not been doing that and quite honestly- that is the path to success. Even with no exercise, as long as I actually track what I eat, I do pretty well.

Since hitting my 10% -- I've put back on about half of the weight I lost. It's only taken a few weeks to a month to do the damage... and it will take many more to take it off again.

But, I. remain. committed.
No matter how I may temporarily derail, I will ultimately succeed this time around.

The next big goal is the end of summer/my bday... I would LOVE to have hit my 2nd 10% loss by then. I'm not sure I can do it, but that is the goal.

I've been sort of wallowing... keeping myself busy being upset at the weight. What I should be doing instead is literally working my ass off doing something to get rid of it.

And now I am.

getting off the hamster wheel

From this past Weekend...

I bought some new clothes that made me feel better. I bought a new bathing suit, that I sort of actually like, that made me feel better. I had a fantastic weekend with friends in my new clothes and new bathing suit and I was able to forget about being fat for a little while.

Fun & friends and sunshine & sand helped it disappear from the forefront of my mind. But now, on Sunday evening, often the loneliest of the most relaxing times, I am aware that I must go back to working hard at this. And I've been aware... but I let myself slip in and out of consciousness about it... but here's the thing...(s)...

Even though I made strides recently, and I didn't deprive myself of pool and surf as I have in years past, when the guys at the party are talking about how life can't be all that bad since there are girls in bikinis around... I'm definitely not part of who they're referencing.

And even though my breasts are real, I know I'd trade them for fakes if I could get rid of the stomach fat too.

I'm reaching some kind of new level of desperation about wanting to take this weight off... and it's hindering me from actually doing so. In the simplest of terms, it's a mind-fuck. Damned from every angle. Deprivation of fun things like new clothes has not worked. Reward of fun things has not worked. All the games and tricks I play in order to find a way to force myself into doing this for me, are backfiring.

I have committed to Alli (not myself- someone else) that I will do the LB Half Marathon. I have wanted to do it for ages. And I am going to do it. But I don't want to do my laundry so that I'll have clean work-out clothes. And I've stared at the Runners High store sign on 2nd st. so many times, but have yet to go in and get new shoes. And I've aspired every day to get up and go exercise, and I haven't done it. [editorial note: this has since changed. i went for a 2-3 mile run/walk on tuesday]

I've been reminiscing about the days of the marathon when I gave up smoking and drinks of any kind... and I took on the miles instead. And I did it for charity. And that made all the difference. B/c apparently I'll do shit for someone else-- just not myself.

I feel like I am saying the same things over and over and not doing. Not doing. Not doing.

I found a Long Beach Bootcamp. And this running group called EZ8. And I have access to a million classes through 24hr fitness. I didn't sign up for Boot camp. Nor the EZ8 b/c I don't really believe I can run an 8min mile. I'm in research mode. Instead of action mode.

I'm a little sunburned. But at least I soaked up a lot of sunshine Vitamin D. And I am generally pretty happy w/ where I am. Despite my ranting here.

I am happy that I'm in a position to try all sorts of stuff. I may keep changing my mind about how or what or who is going to help me in this weight loss journey... but at least I am in a position where I can afford to keep trying new things. Selecting, and rejecting.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy. So I feel like I'm coming through the end of a rough patch about it. I have a ton of issues w/ the weight... and with what that means in this society. And my feelings on these issues are always going to be complex-- even once I get rid of the weight.

So I'm figuring out how to utilize this to keep moving forward instead of letting it keep me on the perpetual hamster wheel to nowhere.

an excerpt from the NY times

"... [N]ew research suggests that the environment that most strongly influences body composition may be the very first one anybody experiences: the womb.

According to several animal studies, conditions during pregnancy, including the mother’s diet, may determine how fat the offspring are as adults. Human studies have shown that women who eat little in pregnancy, surprisingly, more often have children who grow into fat adults. More than a dozen studies have found that children are more likely to be fat if their mothers smoke during pregnancy.

The research is just beginning, true, but already it has upended some hoary myths about dieting. The body establishes its optimal weight early on, perhaps even before birth, and defends it vigorously through adulthood. As a result, weight control is difficult for most of us. And obesity, the terrible new epidemic of the developed world, is almost impossible to cure."

from:

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Health Guide

http://health.nytimes.com/ref/health/healthguide/esn-obesity-ess.html

My old mantra: your body will forgive you; your mind never will.

So, I have determined... the efforts must be increased if I am going to see the success I want. Shortly, I am taking myself on a walk in Belmont. I believe I have a full afternoon and evening of work ahead of me, so I am taking this a.m. time to do what I need to do for my health. There will be a walk, and then there will be tea (no croissant) and journaling at Peet's Coffee on 2nd St. This is my plan.

I'm thinking about a personal trainer. I'm not really sure about the cost. It seems slightly outrageous. But then again, I'm trying to put it into perspective. These dollars spent now to help me in this effort are likely going to prevent me from having more serious health problems in the future, that will also cost $. Like major surgery kinds of $. So really, I'm saving myself money in the long-run. I hope you enjoy the rationalization... I put a lot of effort into coming up with it. ;)

Additionally... I put together my running schedule for the LB Half... at least, the "long-run" schedule...

July:
06th 2miles
13th 3miles
20th 4miles
27th 5miles
Aug:
03rd 6miles
10th 8miles
17th 4miles
24th 10miles
31st 5miles
Sept:
07th 12miles
14th 6miles
20th 14miles
28th 7miles
Oct:
5th 5miles
13th RACE DAY!

I set it up like my old marathon schedule... it could change after I do a little more reading on the half schedules. Thank god my RunnersWorld magazine is finally gonna be put to use again...

Ok, so I did the r-world reading just now, in the midst of this posting, and I used their schedule maker... and I might follow this instead... (see below). It's a little hard to read cut & pasted below, but all you may want to see is the week on the left, and the Sunday run distance on the right. The real draw of this schedule instead of mine is that it only goes up to 10miles before the race.

Wk	Dat	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	6/30 7/6	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run : 2mi @18:22	6 miles
2	7/7 7/13	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	7 miles
3	7/14 7/20	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:22	9 miles
4	7/21 7/27	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 5mi @18:22	10 miles
5	7/28 8/3	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
6	8/4 8/10	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 2x1600@15:26 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
7	8/11 8/17	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	14 miles
8	8/18 8/24	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:30; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	15 miles
9	8/25 8/31	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 3x1600@15:17 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	17 miles
10	9/1 9/7	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	12 miles
11	9/8 9/14	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:20; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	18 miles
12	9/15 9/21	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:29; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @18:00	20 miles
13	9/22 9/28	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 8mi, inc Warm; 4x1600@15:07 w/800 jogs; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @17:49	21 miles
14	9/29 10/5	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:19; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 10mi @17:49	21 miles
15	10/6 10/12	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:31; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Race Day Dist: Half-Marathon Good Luck!	20 miles

Oh my goodness there is so much at runnersworld that I don't know what to do with myself. So many plans to follow. And you know how I love a good plan or list or calendar that tells me what to do.

Here are a few of my current interests:
Your Ultimate Half-Marathon Training Plan
The Ten Rules of Weightloss
The Best Foods for Runners
Music is Motivation

I totally forgot how much I luv that website- AND how useful it is.

I'm not sure what has triggered this re-found (as opposed to new-found) inspiration... maybe its the heat & sunshine, or maybe I hit my happy hour wall, or maybe I'm just allowing myself to remember what it felt like to train for that marathon and how proud I was of myself for doing something so huge. Then again, maybe I've just hit a good hormonal level today... Who knows? But I'm going to hang onto this feeling (& attached determination) for as long as I can.

Last week, people I hadn't seen in a long time commented about how great I looked- which I thought was funny- b/c I forget I've lost a noticeable amount of weight since November-ish... but now it's time to lose another chunk of noticeable amount of weight... however I have to trick myself into it...