My old mantra: your body will forgive you; your mind never will.

So, I have determined... the efforts must be increased if I am going to see the success I want. Shortly, I am taking myself on a walk in Belmont. I believe I have a full afternoon and evening of work ahead of me, so I am taking this a.m. time to do what I need to do for my health. There will be a walk, and then there will be tea (no croissant) and journaling at Peet's Coffee on 2nd St. This is my plan.

I'm thinking about a personal trainer. I'm not really sure about the cost. It seems slightly outrageous. But then again, I'm trying to put it into perspective. These dollars spent now to help me in this effort are likely going to prevent me from having more serious health problems in the future, that will also cost $. Like major surgery kinds of $. So really, I'm saving myself money in the long-run. I hope you enjoy the rationalization... I put a lot of effort into coming up with it. ;)

Additionally... I put together my running schedule for the LB Half... at least, the "long-run" schedule...

July:
06th 2miles
13th 3miles
20th 4miles
27th 5miles
Aug:
03rd 6miles
10th 8miles
17th 4miles
24th 10miles
31st 5miles
Sept:
07th 12miles
14th 6miles
20th 14miles
28th 7miles
Oct:
5th 5miles
13th RACE DAY!

I set it up like my old marathon schedule... it could change after I do a little more reading on the half schedules. Thank god my RunnersWorld magazine is finally gonna be put to use again...

Ok, so I did the r-world reading just now, in the midst of this posting, and I used their schedule maker... and I might follow this instead... (see below). It's a little hard to read cut & pasted below, but all you may want to see is the week on the left, and the Sunday run distance on the right. The real draw of this schedule instead of mine is that it only goes up to 10miles before the race.

Wk	Dat	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	6/30 7/6	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run : 2mi @18:22	6 miles
2	7/7 7/13	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	7 miles
3	7/14 7/20	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:22	9 miles
4	7/21 7/27	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 5mi @18:22	10 miles
5	7/28 8/3	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
6	8/4 8/10	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 2x1600@15:26 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
7	8/11 8/17	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	14 miles
8	8/18 8/24	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:30; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	15 miles
9	8/25 8/31	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 3x1600@15:17 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	17 miles
10	9/1 9/7	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	12 miles
11	9/8 9/14	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:20; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	18 miles
12	9/15 9/21	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:29; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @18:00	20 miles
13	9/22 9/28	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 8mi, inc Warm; 4x1600@15:07 w/800 jogs; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @17:49	21 miles
14	9/29 10/5	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:19; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 10mi @17:49	21 miles
15	10/6 10/12	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:31; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Race Day Dist: Half-Marathon Good Luck!	20 miles

Oh my goodness there is so much at runnersworld that I don't know what to do with myself. So many plans to follow. And you know how I love a good plan or list or calendar that tells me what to do.

Here are a few of my current interests:
Your Ultimate Half-Marathon Training Plan
The Ten Rules of Weightloss
The Best Foods for Runners
Music is Motivation

I totally forgot how much I luv that website- AND how useful it is.

I'm not sure what has triggered this re-found (as opposed to new-found) inspiration... maybe its the heat & sunshine, or maybe I hit my happy hour wall, or maybe I'm just allowing myself to remember what it felt like to train for that marathon and how proud I was of myself for doing something so huge. Then again, maybe I've just hit a good hormonal level today... Who knows? But I'm going to hang onto this feeling (& attached determination) for as long as I can.

Last week, people I hadn't seen in a long time commented about how great I looked- which I thought was funny- b/c I forget I've lost a noticeable amount of weight since November-ish... but now it's time to lose another chunk of noticeable amount of weight... however I have to trick myself into it...

the shopping high

So- I went shopping yesterday. And I think instead of depriving myself of shopping all this time... I should allow it. B/c I feel WAY better about myself in clothes I like than in clothes I'm sick of having to wear b/c nothing else fits.

Also... I bought a bathing suit! And I actually LOVE it! Shocking I know.

Here's a pic of the top- the bottoms I got are also pink, and a skirt, not shorts...


I can't believe I'm so happy about my shopping outing but I am. I got lots of new fun stuff. And even though I hope to shrink and not be able to wear it all for that long... in the short-term, it's a definite confidence boost that is necessary to maintain the morale to keep up the weightloss efforts.

Also, I am really, actually, really, going to do the LB Half Marathon. I didn't sign up to train w/ the LB Beach Runners like I wanted to- they started in May. But I counted out the weeks, (you know how I love lists & calendars) and I still have enough time to gradually get up to 14miles, and taper for 2 weeks before the race. Hopefully October will be good running weather. A friend of mine is doing the Disneyland Half- so now I'll feel like a slacker if I give up this goal of mine to do the LB Half. There's nothing like faux competition to motivate a girl to put her tennis shoes on.

I've gotten kind of messy in the last 3 weeks or so. It's time to put it all back together. Unfortunately that includes a regimented schedule, and regimented eating & drinking. I'll have to come up with a plan... that I actually like...

28 going on 15

I was investigating gastric bypass sites, and tummy tuck / body contouring plastic surgery sites. Ironically, I think both the "before" AND the "after" pictures are gross.

I actually ate a bean&cheese burrito from Chano's this weekend. The fast food is fully in effect.

In a matter of 2 weeks, I've totally put on like 10 lbs. The damage is not small. Destruction. It's so much easier.

There is an article in the July issue of Marie Claire about how losing weight lost this girl all her friends... b/c she was their go-to fun person, or go-to venting person. They wanted to indulge in chocolate and wine once a week, and she was doing it virtually every day. They wanted her along for the ride to make themselves feel better, and she was happy to comply.

The LSAT studying is over. My schedule is free flowing again. And I hate it.

My dishwasher is broken... hence the fast food mentioned above.

It's too hot to run. And besides that, I don't want to.

I could type that its going to change- that with this post I am turning it all around. But really, I'm going to go to Starbucks or Peet's and get a latte and a croissant. And not exercise.

The more I learn and the more I realize how badly I really really want to do this, the less successful I seem to get.

Yesterday, I was actually thinking how great it is that food has such a huge power over me. I thought, "If I can't get the calm and the tranquility (or, the "fix") from food, I think I could really be a drug addict." I was actually thinking "Thank god the socially acceptable normal vices do the trick for me." ... Who thinks like that?

There are treatments for people with bulimia or anorexia. If there is a medical treatment for emotional over eating, I either haven't found it, or I don't accept it. When I was little, I knew I was overeating... and because you know people talk to the tweens about those 2 things, I actually thought I should try to throw up b/c I didn't fit the whole description.

The profile didn't match. And that's all any teenage girl really wants, is to fit in- with her friends, with guys, and with clothes. Diagnosis? I might be twenty-eight going on fifteen.

thankful permission

I've been re-reading some of this content here... and man was I depressed about not being able to lose the weight in the way and in the time I deemed it should be. I am really incredibly hard on myself and its just really time for that to stop.

I'm still going to struggle with this but I'm so thankful that today, I have a better perspective. Something about hitting that 10% freed me to focus on how I'm going to handle everything from here on out. It's not going to be the same. I don't want it to be.

I've had a shitty week in terms of eating- b/c I'm stressed- and I know it- and I'm allowing it this week. Next week, when the LSAT is over, I'll get it back under control.

And one day, eventually, I won't need to eat thru the stress. But today, I do. And rather than letting that upset me... I'm remaining calm in the fact that I know I can fix it next week. Permission. I have permission to not be perfect this week, and that is making all the difference in the world today.

victory

I did it. I hit my 10% mark! I got a pretty gold-ish keychain in the form of a number 10.

It was fantastic, and really anti-climatic.

I am really happy though.

But I've already moved on and have the new goal set in front of me. My next "5%" before the end of summer. Basically I want to lose another 13-15 lbs by Labor Day, which also happens to be my birthday. I'm going smaller in terms of the number attached to the goal b/c it'll feel more concrete, and less like a never-ending agonizing saga.

This is the VERY 1st time I've ever hit my 10% goal and I honestly think it's because even though I struggled the last couple of months, I finally didn't want to just give up. I had some sort of acceptance about the fact that even though it was hard and I was facing a few setbacks, I would still DO it. There was no option of "oh maybe I'll just gain all the weight back now." And I think once I eliminated some of the constraints I put on myself, is when I finally walked through it.

November to June. Approximately 30 lbs gone. It's gonna take awhile. And while I really am never going to be thrilled about that... I'm learning to accept the slowness of it.

I'm also figuring out that the final number on the scale is going to be less exciting than all the little non-scale victories along the way. And celebrating them is what's going to make this slow process tolerable... so I need to embrace them, more and more.

As long as I don't give up, it doesn't really matter how long it takes.

if it is more

Alright- I have been "reasonably" "good" about the eating this week. I have limited portions... but not of the healthiest stuff. Right now I'm eating popcorn from TJ's and am having sushi tonight for dinner.

Despite that saltiness, I "may" hit my 10% mark tomorrow. I'm under it on my home scale, but it depends on how todays eating turns out...

I'm not even going to expect it. I'm just going to show up and pray that the crazy huge gain from the wedding of 2 weekend's ago, is gone.

I remain disappointed I've let 3-4 months roll by w/o making any "real" progress. And at the same time, I'm hoping this struggle is teaching me something. I know it is although I just don't see it right now.

Do you ever get that feeling that you are poised on the brink of something? Like the little choices you make in a finite period time determine your course? Maybe it's just that I found Serendipity on tv last night, and that it makes me conjure up Sliding Doors, and that the single episode of Sex and the City I've been talking about for days came on last night, and that I felt this huge tidal wave of deja vu this morning... maybe it's just that I'm sentimental and want to add all that pop culture and randomness up to something when it's nothing ... or maybe it's more...

And if it is more, and that feeling I've got that something important is happening right now, even though nothing is happening right now... if it is more, maybe I'll soon be able to start moving forward again- in some new direction I haven't anticipated in the least...

if i had a blog, this is what it would say

I've never heard better inspiration than my own coming right back at me. (See below.) Seriously, I am not alone. And therefore, neither are any of you living with the same crap.

This is a voicemail I got last night. Sources shall remain anonymous. In any case, this is the best inspiration I've had in a long time to get myself back in gear... especially considering I broke down and went to In N Out last night when I should have been doing the same freakin thing in this message....

"Hi Paige, I'm just calling to let you know that I freaking suck at Weight Watchers and if I had a blog this is what it would say:

I went to the gym today and I could only do 15min on the stairclimber cuz I felt like CRAP cuz I ate Doritos that were left over from my ... party. So here's what I'm doing:

I'm going home and throwing the rest of the bag away in the garbage outside so I canNOT get into it unless I'm a creepy homeless person.

And I am getting up tomorrow at 5am and I'm going for a run and the reason I'm telling you this is so you can hold me accountable so feel free to call me tomorrow and see if I went for a run before work cuz hopefully I'll say yes.

Anyway hope you're doing better than me.

Actually my whole day was good until I ate the fucking Doritos- I'm so mad at myself- but anyway-

I hope you're having a good day. Sorry bout my little vent. You're worth it. Bye."

Men, these are the things that play in every woman's head at least weekly, if not daily.
We love our friends and think THEY can do great- but we don't believe in ourselves- and your society and your rules have made us that way.

We even have to apologize for it. Fuck that. I'm through apologizing. And ladies, you should be too.

Unhappy Meals

I haven't gone running. But I do have the food more on track, so far. This week, today, this hour.

But mainly, I write today so that you...

...READ THIS article from the NY Times Magazine: Unhappy Meals.

One of the best quotes from it ... "(The American Heart Association charges food makers for their endorsement.) Don’t take the silence of the yams as a sign that they have nothing valuable to say about health."

And if you just can't fathom reading the whole thing-- which makes you lazy and inept- but in any case, I still prepare for you lazy's like I often find myself -- at least scroll down to the bottom where the list (you know how I love lists) of "Beyond Nutritionism" exists.

And finally, the ice cream truck is rolling by my house. Weren't they already a throw back in the 70s and 80s? How is it they still exist?

finding the fabulous

These are the titles from the month of May...

• unperfect
• it's only me
• almost everything
• commitment I've never had before
• "my version"
• change before you have to
• Fri nights, no more ...
• the pieces
• soy milk
• skewed

It's so fitting. No pun intended. I've been twisting and swinging over some really lovely decisions. I hate decision-making. I am an information gatherer and collector and I can argue any side of an argument... and some of them have been pretty colorful lately. But having to decide things, for myself, creates an immense internal pressure to not be wrong. To not screw it up. I don't know what I think will happen if I do... certainly I can't think the world is going to end... but that's sort of how I feel about my "life" decisions.

And it is affecting my weight-loss in a serious way. Those days are over. For now. This week.
Today.

I'm using June 1st as a clean slate to start again. To revive my efforts. I wanted to try out "core" and that just doesn't fit w/ my lifestyle yet... so I'm going back to the point-counting... and will do my best to eat whole, organic foods, even if they cost me more in points (/calories, etc).

I AM getting up to go running at 7am, and then to 24Lift at 8am. That's the goal. If I do just 1 of those things... or, let's be honest- if I walk out the door w/ tennis shoes on before 8am, I'll be happy. I need the exercise back in my life. I need it to feel good. I need it to inspire me. I need it to be grateful I can do it... even when I don't want to get off my couch, or out of bed.

And I need it to ban the smoking forever... I will not be tempted if I know I need to run in the a.m. ...

I want to be back on track. And I've got it in my head... but now I've got to execute...