My Heart Report From MyFitnessPal(.com)

Will beat 126,111 times, pump 1,850 gallons of blood, and push that blood nearly 19,556 miles throughout my body!

Created by MyFitnessPal.com

I want it back

I think I'm ready to try again. I want it back. I have this photo at a wedding on the beach last July 30th. And I was SO happy that day. So incredibly happy. And I had been for months. Because I'd been dedicated to losing the weight. I worked with my trainer 3 days a week and I thought about what I ate and when I was exercising, constantly. My life revolved around it. People got sick of my facebook check-in's at 24 hour fitness, but I was really happy.

Every time you start again after failing, or succeeding, but then ceding, to failure, it seems harder... less attainable somehow. Maybe that's why at 32, after having started dieting by the 5th grade, it seems almost impossible.

I'm really tired of whining about it and thinking about it and analyzing it and dreaming about how it could be. It's very Nike-ish now... time to Just Do It.

My current goal is to lose 10 lbs by June 18th. That's it. I've made enough excel spreadsheets to last a lifetime. I don't need to do that anymore. I need to just look at one small, manageable goal at a time, hit it, and keep going.

I want to turn this blog around too. I want it to be less oriented on the "bitch" and more about new, fun, healthy things I'm trying or have found or discovered. It's my goal to report back on 2-4 "healthy" things I've tried or incorporated each week.

I'm up about 20 lbs since last September ... it's time to take it off ... and keep going.

Wanna know what inspired this post? Read about the 9 things no one wants to regret when they're older ...

still haven't found what i'm looking for

Narrowed down to fast food eating/stuffing in moments of pain and/or stress. <<<--- The major problem. 

Also, feeling success approaching. In moments of anticipation of actual success, I do a 180-turnaround. <<<---The 2nd most common problem.

And while I've improved at saying no to bad influences and overcommitments, I am not stellar at it, yet.

#whining
#overit
#1stworldproblems

I said, out loud, tonight, I'd have gastric bypass surgery before I'd ever have lasik because I'd rather be thin than be able to see clearly. Out LOUD, I said that. Paused. Thought about it. And then stood by it. Not to mention, I find lasik slightly creepy...

I wonder what it will ultimately take... because I certainly haven't found whatever it is, yet...

maybe it's time

Man, I'm so over this blog. Consume less than you burn, it's so simple.

I read and re-read these posts to figure out exactly where it is that I've been. I think, if I can figure out what I was doing yesterday, or last week, or last month, or the last five years, that then I can figure out how to change it. But that's not really right. Looking back isn't going to change today, this moment, right now.

The trick is to stay mentally in it, right now, right this minute. And to make good choices inside of the "now" moments. 

I am not sure I am even talking about food or exercise right now. My control over food & exercise has always been a reflection or manifestation of how I feel about my life in general at the moment. Since I'm about 100 pounds overweight, you can guess, that's not so great, most of the time.

But I've noticed, I have a lot of friends who are waiting to do things. I've noticed I give out reasonably good advice to my friends, and I think I have a hard time taking it myself. And yet, I think I have actually stopped letting the weight stop me from doing things I want to do.  I mean, I still can't jump out of an airplane, or even sit super comfortably on an airplane for that matter. But I still engage in things I want to do. I don't really let it stop me.  So maybe, just maybe, I do actually have more strength than I think.

Maybe it's time to find out exactly how much strength I have.

Done.

I've written many drafts lately. But I'm tired of sounding like / being a pity party.

Tonight, I went to el pollo loco, trader joes, and then in n out. Comfort.

You know what every SINGLE post on this blog has in common (besides the fact that I wrote it of coure) ... I lived in Long Beach writing it.

About a year ago, I'd been working out w my trainer for about 2 months. I'm about to head to Vegas on the same trip... I found the gym on that trip. I swore by this time, this year, I'd have lost ALL the weight. You know... "never again" blah blah...

Big changes are coming.

silently speaking volumes

2.5.12: Sunday night...
So the half marathon is complete. I start this post from my iPad, in bed, hurting. My body hates me right now. But it's ok- it will forgive in a few days.

I thought I would feel more, different. More, changed.
I don't FEEL it, but I KNOW I am, regardless.

I forgot how much it actually hurts ( must be similar to childbirth in some way) if you don't train fully.

I am freaking in love with my medal.

There are so many lessons but I think what I didn't expect, what stands out the most to me, is that it was easier doing it with a friend. The pain was less. The miles went by faster. It is easier to dance, sing out loud, and be silly on the course, with a friend by your side. I mean let's face it, the girl hula hooping her hips thru 13 miles wasn't making any friends doing so. Literally, she never stopped hula hooping as she walked (we got video). But I digress. The point is that the work, the pain, is lessened with friends along for the ride. And life is like that too. And I know it's simplistic, but it bears repeating.

2.6.12: Monday...
I think I love the running, and tolerate the pain, because in the end I did this on my own. No one can take it away from me. If I cross that finish line, I own it -- alone. No matter who did, or did not, help me across that finish line, it is mine. And no one can take that away. I had to go back through this paragraph, and change the subject to "I." And, that speaks volumes. I don't even think in terms of myself. I think in terms of "you," or "he" or "she." This is inherently the problem.

I want a big change. I need a big change. I am not in love with my life, and want to be, desperately. I hope I can figure it out through the miles; I don't know how to do this.

2.6.12: Monday night ...
I went back to Weight Watchers tonight, and I'm definitely "up," but I know that is fleeting and that I'll get it back together.  I honestly hated everyone in that meeting. I hated the leader who is exceptionally perky & annoying and talks to us as if we're 8 years old. I hated the couple doing it together. I hated the woman who lost 30lbs. And I especially hated the very calm woman who lost her 10% and got her 10% keychain. That damn keychain has always eluded me. I have always gotten to within 5lbs of my celebrated "10%" weightloss, and then turned around and started packing the lbs. back on. This is continually a problem where I get to the brink of success, and then turn around. It is continually a problem that I have started to despise happy couples because I want so much to be a part of one. It is continually a problem that I see someone doing what I want to do, and it stagnates me. I don't know how to fix this.

I am drowning in jealousy.

What has ultimately come from this most recent 13.1, is a feeling of isolation. I don't want to be a part of the kickball party. I don't feel accomplished enough to hang out with my college friends. And I don't even want to be around my best friends who accept me no matter what, because I am tired of fronting. I am tired of pretending everything is ok. It is not ok. I am not happy. And I don't know how to fix this.

"Your body will forgive you, but your mind never will" ... got me through 26.2 once upon a time. Now I'm trying to figure out how to forgive the past, so that I can create a better future. I don't know how to do this.

2.15.12: Wednesday morning ...
A week and a day. I waited to publish the above rant because I knew it needed to wait, to stew.  And I let my friends in. That helped, mostly. But only a little bit.

I keep thinking about how this was supposed to be a weightloss blog, and has turned into an emotional free-fall.   But at it's core, people who have real weight to lose, have to emotionally free-fall at some point.  You see it happen weekly on the Biggest Loser. That's one of the reasons Jillian was such a huge loss to that show-- not (just) because she's an amazing trainer - but because she can innately tap into that one conversation that forces someone OUT of the emotional free-fall into the dedicated hardwork.  The hard work will not last if that connection hasn't been ironed into someone's deepest core.

I keep thinking about how in 2011, from January to July, I made all those small changes people talk about to add up to a "lifestyle change." I did it right. I really did. I was reaching full success. I had 6 months of SOLID - rock, solid - changes - that led to a happier & healthier me.  But I didn't believe I really deserved it. And in a matter of weeks from July 6th to August 12th, it died. It was gone. And I tried to pretend, for a few months, that I hadn't lost everything. I tried to pretend I hadn't lost my way. I tried to pretend I hadn't made mistakes. I tried to pretend I didn't care about some things. I tried to pretend I did care about others. I tried to pretend I wasn't hurting. I dived into other people hurting. I let people hurt me and didn't even feel it. I didn't feel it then because I was so engrossed in my own internal pain that I couldn't even feel when other people were treating me poorly.  And now it's catching up to me.  The walls are coming down, I'm free falling. It's scary and vulnerable and awful. But it's so good. It's so good.

2.15.12: Wednesday ...
I'm working on my freedom.
Sometimes I hear my voice...
Years go by will I still be waiting to understand

maybe I needed to find the anger

So... we're 2-3 days out from the Surf City Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained enough. Let's be honest, I haven't trained ... nearly ... enough. I don't care. I know, in my gut, that I can and will finish the miles. I also know that I desperately need to do this. I can't wait. I mean, I'm scared. I know it will take a long long time and I know I will hurt. But, I know I need to do this.

My life was affected deeply by some events in early August, and I just haven't been the same since. I have a photo at a friend's wedding, on July 30th, and I know I was crazy happy then. I know that from January to July of last year, I made incredible strides in my journey, and that it all came to a crashing halt in August. Last January, I got Teddy. Last February, I started with my trainer. Last March, I went to Vegas and actually found the gym inside my hotel there. Last April, I went to Stagecoach and had energy to survive a crazy festival & got to wear clothes I liked and met hot guys & had raging self-confidence.  Last May & June I dated, a lot, and had so much fun doing so.  And I closed a bunch of deals and was on my way to really being happy.

I remember one afternoon walking out of my house in sporty shorts & a tank top to walk Teddy, with my hair piled on top of my head, and shades, of course, and I remember looking up at the sunshine and feeling like "Ahhh, so this is what it feels like."

And then I let it all fall apart. And THAT - is over. I know that having that medal hang around my neck is what I need to propel me into the goodness again.  I often think about this concept:

"Forgiveness is accepting the fact that the past could have been any different."

I struggle with this - every single day.

And it shows in my weight. It manifests there. But I am actively working on it.  I am angry.

They say there are 5 stages of grief:
1) Denial & Isolation
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I'm hanging out in anger right now. Sometimes I find myself bargaining, and sometimes it's just simple depression. But mostly, I'm angry. It sounds so simple, but I have so much rage I don't know what to do with it and so I eat it away. Sometimes I scream. The other day I screamed so much I was actually, visibly shaking when I hung up the phone. It didn't subside for a few minutes. I almost threw my phone across the room recently. Almost. I want to punch someone. No, I think I really could. I can't really picture it either but it could probably happen.  I am ANGRY. At everyone & no one. At things I've allowed to happen. At actions I've taken, and not taken. I am angry at everyone who seems to want a piece of me. No, I cannot spend every single evening at dinners and drinks and coffees listening to everyone else's problems. And I am angry at everyone who calls me when they are single. Fuck you. Yep, I said it. If you can't find the time to be my friend when you are in a relationship, you don't fucking deserve me as a friend to pick up the pieces for you when you find yourself single. And yes, I am an awesome friend, and no, that does not mean you can take my friendship for granted. Because, soon, very very soon, it will be gone. Because I am finally learning how to let people go - for good.  And I don't need to keep you around. You can totally dislike me for whatever reason ya got - I'm cool with that now.  Like I said, I'm angry. And I pretty much don't care about your problems anymore.  Miranda sums it up pretty well: "I can't carry it all, I gotta lotta troubles of my own"

But despite the rage that overwhelms me at times, I am learning to channel it to good. I am using it more in workouts. And every time I want to let it take me over, Teddy keeps me sane. I love him so much. I got him at just the perfect time in my life. He forces me to go on walks and be a normal person. He forces me to make better choices with where to spend my time, and who to share it with. And even though he's a crazy energy high jumper pup, he's so simple & good. He just wants to play! 


And I am finding a way to believe in myself again. Because honestly, when I'm "in it" - I'm unstoppable.  When I can actually channel my true self, and hold onto her, everything goes right, and I start losing weight. But I also start losing friends. It's very strange. I don't really know why this happens. But when I put myself first, and start getting happy, things change. And I've never dealt with that well, and so I've let my fear of change, fear of success?, hold me back.

But I am so tired of letting it win. I'm ready to fight back. Maybe I needed to find the anger. Maybe it is the fuel I need, more than anything else, to win this battle towards my ultimate happiness.

You Don't Own Me

This is a DRAFT I wrote on 1 / 2or3 / 12. I'm not sure why I didn't post it then. Fear of commitment?

I've gotten a lot of AMAZING & diverse feedback about my last post. All I can say is, thank you.
_______________________________________________________

So it's technically no longer January 1st... nevertheless, I present to you, my opening 2012 remarks. ;-)

This is the deal:  365 days. 100 pounds. Daily exercise. Healthful eating. Sweating. Cooking.

Currently, I'm planning Vegas in March, Cabo in July, and Israel in December. [this has already changed...] I will be in smaller clothes than I wore to Vegas last March... or maybe I'll even pack some of the same clothes and just see them fit better. For Cabo, my only goal is a hot bathing suit. I have a full 6 months for that. And as for Israel, I have no idea what clothing will be appropriate yet or if I'll even get to go on that trip, but I do know that I would like to be able to pack light, feel comfortable, appropriate, and unconcerned about things like clothing, on a trip like that.

I know that the path to this achievement is through daily commitment. I am learning how to stay grounded in my goals - not just in weight-loss, but in life.

I am also committing to the HB Surf City Half Marathon in Feb. [Glad I'm keepin that one up!] And, the OC Half in May, along with the LB Half in October.  These races culminate in some sort of special California Dreamin medal that I am totally after! But more importantly, keeping my mileage up for these races will help me get my cardio in regularly. [I'm also now thinking about a Triathlon in April, crazy, I know.]

2011 involved a lot of dating. And while I had fun and learned a lot about relationships (and myself), I'm setting that aside for now. [Maybe.] I can't deal with it.  Or, I don't want to deal with it. It was a tumultuous year... I'd say that tumult started around Oct/Nov. 2010 ... and while I had some really great times, and met some really amazing people, I also experienced low's that I've never hit before [and whomever you are reading this, thinking I am talking about you... check your ego, no, I am not, in fact, talking about you] and I'm just not ready to dive back in.  I think that's ok, for now.  [These are the sorts of disclaimers you have to make when you let a variety of different people crush you in different ways.] What's funny to me is that I've always wanted the weight-loss, to aid in the dating confidence. And I think maybe now, I've experienced the dating confidence, and so it's much less important to me somehow.  Not to say it doesn't still play a role; of course it does.  They will always be intertwined for me in many ways. But somewhere along the way this year, it lost it's power over me.

I don't want to lose weight in order to "find a man." I now want to lose weight for me, myself & I, alone.  And in the same way they've always been intertwined for me, now I know that finding that separation is the way I'm going to succeed.

... Finding separation is the way I'm going to succeed ... 

I may have just found my theme song for the year! "You don't own me..." [I already forgot about this and am SO happy I'm posting, for THIS alone! Hahaha!]

Here's a few more I will be using as inspiration for the year:
King of Anything
Something More
Ain't Settlin'
Baggage Claim
Undo It
Tough
Dirrty
Fighter
Circus
My Prerogative 
Precious Things
Playboy Mommy
Every Little Bit
Sweet Annie
Colder Weather
Whatever It Is
Because of You 
I Do Not Hook Up
You Make Me Sick
Sober


[Oh, this is why I didn't post... I wasn't sure I had included all the songs I wanted to. Oh well. It's an unperfect list. A really UNperfect list...]

To borrow a frequent saying (slogan?) of local philanthropist, Justin Rudd, "Life is good, and getting better."

It's the little things

Yesterday, I made "gourmet" poached eggs on toast. And, I made "fancy" "homemade" ice tea. Today, I made nonfat cranberry orange muffins so that I can truly kick my Starbucks addiction & walk out the door w/ something in-hand in a pinch. Despite the fact that I'm trying to incorporate more protein into every meal... baby steps.

MORE importantly, I went back to my trainer today! I love her! She somehow makes me work harder and be more committed and I don't know HOW she does it, but she does.

And even more important than that, I made some solid career decisions today and I am just SO happy to feel like I have the right path in front of me finally.

Finally, adding just a bit more joy, I found my favorite headphones that were missing for, quite, awhile.

It's the little things... that all add up to the big things.

And I stepped on the scale

I went back into Weight Watchers today and I stepped on the scale. It was not bad. I was somehow magically down.

So, I'm on track. And I think I've finally noticed that I have a pattern of taking steps forward and then halting. I stagnate. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Success? Fear of success? Fear of failure? Aversion to commitment to something? Anything? That part I haven't figured out. This is not just a problem with weightloss. In fact, I think it's just presenting itself in this form.  Maybe I'll be able to conquer it through the miles.

Has anyone else seen Janet Jackson doing a Nutrisystem commercial? It's upsetting in SO many ways.

I cleaned out my fridge and came up with a recipe plan out of what I have left in my fridge, freezer & cupboards. This is becoming quite possibly my favorite thing to do -- figuring out something to make out of what I have randomly on hand. It's like a puzzle. I'll admit, when I fail, I call my mom and list off ingredients to her and she can usually come up with something amazing.

I'm both nervous and excited about the half. It's good to have a serious goal in front of me again.

A luxury A dream

Oh Biggest Loser finale - how I heart thee!

I was kind of hating on that new theme song (because change is hard) until I discovered it's by Train! <3

And, I was tagged in some pix from last March that I'd never seen before:

And I was in Vegas - and I found the gym inside Mandalay Bay. Literally, I was in Vegas - and I went to the gym! I was really happy with the clothes I was wearing and how I felt in general. And I was still big even then, but better than now.

So, yesterday, I wore a top on Christmas that I'd purchased this past summer (I think from Ann Taylor) that is a little bit tight again. And I got lots of compliments - that rang hollow to me.

And I realize that the half marathon is like, soon.

In July, I told my trainer, "This is my set point. This is my lowest adult weight that I've never been able to break through." And I gave up because I didn't believe. Well, I had some minor health issues set me back, and then I used that as an excuse, to give up, entirely.  And I haven't really gained much back. Really. Which is amazing to me. Because I feel FAT. But the scale's numbers are telling me: "It's not that bad..." You didn't eff it up TOO much.

So, the point is - I know I can do it. After all the excel spreadsheets of potential weight-loss, and crazy schedules of how and when to fit the workouts in, and endless healthy recipe collections, I know it is not about any of that. I mean, those things are helpful, in a way. But detrimental in others.

Mostly, I just need to decide, and CONTINUE TO BELIEVE, that I am WORTH IT! Then I need to keep working at it - no matter what.

I am going to apply to Biggest Loser Season 14. I auditioned once before and made it into local papers. And I said I'd give up that dream after I heard Jillian was leaving. But I was scared and guarded. I put down a friend's wedding as a taping conflict. I could've missed that wedding, really. And there are parts of the application where you talk about what you wouldn't want on tv... and there are some things that I think would come out of me, that I don't really want on tv.   But there was a girl, who dealt with her parents and the blame of the death of one of her siblings, and after that season, I thought: if she can put that on tv, whatever the cost of loss of privacy, is worth the benefits of being on that Ranch and being able to focus your entire being to this single cause. That is a luxury. It's a dream. It's work and pain that I can't even begin to imagine but I know it'd be worth it now -- at almost any cost. Because it's your life in the end. They give you back your life. And yes, you earn it... blah blah. But really, they hold your life out to you on a silver platter and all you have to do is reach out, and hold it. If you're strong enough.

I can't wait for the new season to start on 1/3!

Oh and if that doesn't work out - because who can bank on that really - I've still got a trip to Cabo coming up on 7/5 and I WILL be wearing this amazing bathing suit I found recently! I've hung pictures of it up in my office, on my fridge, and on my bathroom mirror. It is my current mass motivation!

the damage wasn't too bad

On Sunday -- I thought -- 

Annual Chrismukkah was today. "On a Stick" party was yesterday. I've been cooking and baking TONS o stuff! And I can't figure out if this means I'm eating less or more. I think less... but of not-so-good-for-you items.


I've had a GREAT weekend and yet I feel extremely unsettled as this Sunday evening comes to a close.


I can't quite pinpoint the source of this feeling...


I feel like I took control this year. I lost a bunch of weight from Jan/Feb up until July, and then it all went to hell and I've sort of gained it back. And so I feel like, what was the point? What was the point of all that work? All that sweat? All that pain? And putting it back on from August until now happened with minimal notice.


I made a choice - a few choices - a few really bad, and then a few really good choices, that landed me here again.


The running will make me sane again. It always does. Ready to crank on the mileage tomorrow! Bring it.

And now  -- 


A plan is in motion. Personal training returns. Running returns. Rowing will begin. I've been eating the protein packages from starbucks, and going to subway more often. I think with all the holiday sweets around, I've been craving health and protein over sugar and sweet.


I have a half marathon training calendar in place that I am pretty amp'd about. And I google'd myself and found some fun (funny?) shots from the last half I did which was the LB Half back in '09. If I recall, I'd been obsessed with my 30th birthday and did this race about a month after it'd hit. I fall into these ruts and like to shake things up for myself by running, apparently.


My dad and I had a little heart-to-heart at our Chanukah celebration this evening (where I made the standard latkes and a non-dairy version of a noodle kugle for my mom which turned out surprisingly well) and I really am a significantly happier person when I am working out in general and, for myself and my own happiness-- I must continue to learn how to make this a priority in my life. I looked back through my photos of the year and I really was happier from say, March to July 30th. I have a marker. Brooke's wedding on July 30th is the last pic I have where I feel comfortable and happy with where I was at.  Things changed in my life after that. Big things that don't belong here. And I still haven't learned how to deal with LIFE without using food to cope. But at least this time the derailment only lasted a few months, and the damage wasn't too bad, all in all. 


Now if I could just keep making good choices ...

for the moment

Just a few miscellaneous thoughts I had today ...

-- I really am addicted to Starbucks.

-- But also - more secretly - 7-11 - and that's a ritual ingrained from earliest childhood years that will probably get it's own post in coming weeks

-- Being honest is extremely powerful -- with parents, friends, dates, former lovers, etc.
Mostly this involves saying no. No, I do not agree with you. No, I will not live my life your way. No, I will not go out with you again. No, you cannot come over. 

-- Must Run Must Run Must Run ... where is my running watch??

-- God I love The Biggest Loser marathon episode. And HOW could the producers let them run in a sand storm?

-- I'm having a bit of a career crisis lately. I made some critical decisions in that area as well.

-- Did pretty well with food and got a sprinting run in with Teddy. (He's pretty darn fast!)

All in all, a strangely emotional, yet, calm-inspiring day.


Success for the moment I'd say.

the thing

Here's the thing about trying to save money (which is a task I am undertaking at the moment):  it sort of lends itself to healthy eating, almost accidentally ...

This is mainly because I have been trying to stay in and cook instead of go out to eat. Of which, I do a lot. No, I mean, like, I actively try not to set foot in my kitchen, do a lot of eating out. I became slightly hyper aware of this fact when a friend of mine told me I'm one of the few people she eats out with. And I realized it may be a requirement of mine to be my friend - that you eat out with me.  And I have been mildly aware of this problem for a bit now. Another item to work on...

But anyhow, I've gotten back into making coffee at home with my (purchased by-myself-for-myself) french press - in efforts to kick my (seriously problematic) Starbucks addiction. The personal ownership of my french press is very important to me and a newly conquered thing this year. I gave away my last (amazing!) french press as it was given to me by someone who needs to hold zero space in my life now. And I'd had that darn french press since probably '03 or '04, and I loved it. But it had to go. And now I am so happy every time I use the one I bought for myself this summer. It is amazing how small rituals matter so much.  And as for Starbucks, well, I'm still addicted, but easing off the crack ever so slowly. I get headaches just thinking about giving it up.

I've also been trying to use up just whatever happens to be in my kitchen cupboards / fridge, and tonight I made this amazing chicken chilli, mixed with whole wheat pasta, and threw in some green beans for color and it, surprisingly, turned out really well.  And I have leftovers! I never do leftovers, but I am learning to incorporate this concept into my life.  I am always surprised when I throw something together and it turns out well. I can follow a recipe pretty well. Cooking improvisation is not my strong-suit -- but I'm really getting better at it and kind of proud of myself for it.  The day could come when I'll think - oh - box of brownie mix - you're all I have left in my cupboards and I better make you because I'm trying to be thrifty -- as well as healthy -- and I'll just have 1 every other day or so (because I think that's healthy) but I'm pretty sure I wrote another blog post in the past about making the brownie mix up, sans eggs, and eating that alone. So, les-be-honest -- this "use up the stuff in your cupboards" plan will only take me so far. But for now, it's working.

The somewhat ironic thing to me is that, I've spent so much on "weightloss" in the past... memberships to gyms or weight watchers, etc, and training, special shakes, or various doctors and medications.
There is even HCG in my fridge right now (that I'm not taking and paranoid about, and what a wasted purchase that was because I am afraid to take it but I think it might actually help so why don't I just call my dr. and get over it, but still, I don't). I mean - it's really a profitable industry and yet...

... all it really takes is some wholesome food, and sweat.

I am always surprised

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

And while I knew that was probably going to happen, and even though people actually make requests for more updates, I am always surprised when someone tells me this. Always. I don't think anyone's paying attention. "Paying attention" is a funny phrase; a lesson in value with some simple verb conjugation. And each time someone tells me he or she is reading, or someone makes a comment, I see a little bit of myself through their eyes.  And I'm always prompted to go back and re-read. Sometimes I reread just a post or two. Sometimes I reread specific posts that stand out to me. But sometimes, like today, I reread as much as I can stand.  And then I wondered, do people read a post or two, or read on occasion, on a whim? Have they followed the story along this whole time since I started in 2007? Or even since 2005 back when I had "the marathon" blog? And I wondered today what the story looks like as a whole, at this exact moment, if I were to read it "cover to cover" as it stands now.  Because I could do that with the marathon blog. It has a start, a middle, and an end. And I really love each section of that blog... I think because I was actually chronicling a serious achievement, and chronicling something I had never done before. I thought, when I started this, it would be a way to do it again... to chronicle "my great weightloss achievement!'  

[Sidenote: I just tried accessing the marathon blog for the 1st time in ages and it's gone! :( I think I printed it once in fear of this day but if anyone knows how I can save it from stupid Friendster, suggestions and tips, MUCH appreciated ... it used to be at: http://dreambig.blogs.friendster.com/my_marathon_blog/]

But there is no great achievement here. And everything here I have done, repeatedly, for many years.  It seems, there is nothing new to say.

I am fat - I emotionally overeat - I am great at a finite time period of concentrated effort of nutrition & exercise, usually brought on by some sort of emotional blow - then I fall off the wagon - and repeat. It's like Groundhog's Day. 

I heard Danielle Berrin speak today - about many things - but most notable to me was the notion that in trying to escape by immersing yourself in some creative process, you are actually brought face to face with what it is you are trying to escape in an even deeper and more meaningful way. She was tying this to the notion that Jews in Hollywood are now interested in rewriting the ending to events... and what does this mean? And it went further to connect the hotbed of demand for the creative talent pool in Israel, and how with less budget comes better storytelling as a craft, and that is further connected (not by Ms Berrin, but just in my mind) with Israel as a start-up nation... and I have so many business places to take that and have digressed pretty far off my point here. But the point - is - that in escaping, we are actually conquering.

And so I reread, and reread, and reread, and felt sick about the fact that I haven't yet succeeded at this. And not even that I haven't succeeded, but that I haven't seemed to internalize any of the lessons that I "discover" here. But I have.

I turned the corner when I realized that I'm just not done yet. And maybe it's naive to think there is an endpoint as well. Here, I am just trying to escape the pain of living inside of this body (that I am thankful is currently healthy). And that in trying to escape, in getting inside the pain that it is to actually undertake this, is what will actually lead me out.

"I've been reading your blog," he said.

Me too. I'm finally paying attention.

I work out

So I'm currently mapping running routes in Long Beach that I'd like to do (suggestions welcome). This was one of my favorite parts of making running a priority so I'm bringin' it back!

And awhile back I bought an amazon local deal of one month unlimited rowing and I am going to start before the weekend is over. I found the class schedule so that's a step in the right direction...  I'm actually really excited about the rowing for 2 reasons: 1) location #1 is walkable from my house and 2) location #2 has a view of the water. So I'm thinking I'm going to really like this. Fingers crossed.

The eating is not entirely under control, however. But vast improvements have been made.

The thing, for me, about this, is that when I'm "in it," I'm great!
I'm hardcore. I work out everyday and eat well and don't do anything else but obsess about doing this well.  But I don't want to do only this right now. I have too many other things going on in my life. And so I'm trying to figure out how not to be "all or nothing" because I've been choosing "nothing" since, oh, August.

I just can't seem to kick this all-or-nothing bad habit of mine.

Come Again

Wow -- the dedication in that last post, lasted about 5 days... if that.

But I always return... to the writing, the dieting, the clear-mindedness. I return to... the struggle with "all-or-nothing," the ocd-that's-not-really-ocd-but-i-wish-it-were-so-i'd-have-SOME-kind-of-exCUSE, the knowledge that even in those statements I can come off as a whiny bitch because really, what's so bad about MY life? Nothing. Truly, nothing. But obviously SOMEthing or else I'd be able to take this damn weight off for good. This is what I return to. Repeatedly. It's like a comfy couch. You know you should get up and go DO something but oh it's SO cozy and easy to sink into the cushions and take a lil' nappers.

But the point is - I have returned - to the place where I am DOING. I signed up for a half marathon the 1st weekend in February and so this means I have to return to long distance training. I really like it. I mean, I like to complain about it. But I really love it. I will never be one of those crazy people who runs marathons every month because I'm addicted to the runner's high-- which is a real thing by the way. But I could maybe get to a place where I do halfs pretty regularly.

I do have a dream to do another full marathon-- but I would only do it if I could finish it in well under 6 hours. Like, 5:30 would be a good target. But I'd have to be at a normal weight, and in great shape to do that. And the thing is - I always tell people - ANYONE can run a marathon - you JUST HAVE to WANT to. And I fully stand behind that. Because I did. I just don't WANT to do another marathon unless I know I can do it in that "reasonable" time-frame.

[Oh and I also gave up drinking for about 4 out of the 6 months I trained for it and I just don't WANT to do that either at this point.]

In any case, I digress. The point is - I have returned - to writing, to dieting (I know, I know, "lifestyle change"), to running, and frankly, to making changes and good decisions (who me?)

Here's the thing about good decisions: they suck. They hurt and they feel bad and sometimes you hurt people's feelings, and sometimes you back yourself into a corner so that your own feelings are trampled on. And for a GenX / GenY cusper who does not comprehend the concept of delayed gratification, "good" decisions seem worthless.

Except they're gold! Don't go selling your jewelry to that late night infomercial scheme just yet though. That is not a good decision - consult your financial advisor - there, my disclaimer.

I'm realizing that good decisions are gold, and they start to add up. There is a multiplier force at play. If you keep making good decisions, even if you fall and make a few bad ones along the way, as long as you continue in your quest of the good ones, the Universe rewards you.

I'm banking on that, right now.

[Expect more blogging... I'm ready to share again... better block me now before you reach the point of annoyance.] ;-)

On It

July was not a great month with the weightloss. I kept up with the training but just couldn't get enough cardio in. Because it takes like an hour a day now. Religiously. To see results. At a minimum. If you can believe it. 30 minutes of cardio is nothing now.

So I have commenced the Flat Belly Diet. My diet today has consisted of mostly cornflakes, lactose-free milk, blueberries, string cheese, grape tomatoes, low-sodium turkey, oh and sunflower seeds.

This also involves no alcohol -- for about a month. G-d give me strength.

There is like a 4 day "detox" of sorts (not really a "detox" but more a "jump-start") and then a 28 day very specific meal plan.

I'm on it. Because I am at my lowest adult-life weight. The last time I was majorly successful with Weight Watchers around 23 or 24, I hit this weight and then started putting it all back on. So this is like a set-point of mine that I am trying to bust through.

So maybe doing something different to change things up will help!

I am still aiming to hit 199 by the end of the year -- but it's going to take some massive work!

everyone has to sweat.

My monthly weigh-in is on Friday. I'm adding an extra training session in this week b/c I want the results to be GOOD. So far I've been down in inches and percentages, OR down on the scale, but not both. I want both this month. It may have to wait until next month but hopefully both will show this month.

I'm headed to the gym shortly. I feel like I'm not getting enough cardio in. I am. But, I feel like I'm not.

I've been wearing shorts... which is like unheard of in my world.

I had a glimpse of the girl I want to be the other day. I had a tank top & sporty shorts on, and tennis shoes, shades, and my hair piled up on top of my head. "Cute-messy-sporty" is what I'm calling the look. And I took my little pup Teddy for a walk. The sun was out. And in an instant, I felt ... "this is what it must be like..." -- to be thin -- to be happy -- to feel comfortable in your own skin -- to be healthy -- to smile up at the sunshine -- to not care what other people think -- to care what other people think and feel GOOD about what they're probably thinking -- to be thin -- to be happy.

And not that I am thin yet by any means. But I know I CAN be now. And I know I WILL be. And I can wear clothes I couldn't just a few short months ago. And I feel happy going for a walk, instead of sluggish and tired and fat.

More importantly, I had no idea that I'd been craving to know what that feeling was. But I was. Forever it feels like.

I think I might write a book one day; it could be all about how to find your happiness through sweat. Not everyone has to get a puppy. :) But everyone has to sweat. (Dont' fret, I'll be sure to include a chapter about proper skincare.)

Back by popular demand

Apparently a few of your actually like reading my updates & so to appease the requests being made-- here's a quick update for y'all! :)

I'm down approx 30lbs. I have a goal of being at 199lbs by 12/31/10... which I think is totally realistic & do-able.

I have since purchased & worn "normal" clothes at Anth, WHBM, & Ann Taylor Loft.

My trainer is amazing. My eating habits still leave something to be desired and I could always be getting more cardio in.

I can run again. Really run. I like to run to Britney Pandora, mostly.

It's really fun to shop for more than just purses, shoes, make-up & accessories. I love not being held hostage to those items alone now. There are still new fashion horizons to discover though.

People have noticed. (Thank you.) Which is great but also sometimes surprising & strangely embarassing. Not really, but in some small little place it is, somewhat.

I've been dating... not interested in any one person in particular currently but now I love picking out an outfit to go out on a date. Who KNEW that THAT could be fun? Not this girl. Never before. But now it is.

I am about 8-10lbs away from my lowest point of my adult life ever. I may hit that at my next weigh-in at the end of the month. That would be nuts. I worry about pushing thru that threshold. I remember I had walked to that Weight Watcher meeting from my old apartment near Overland & S.M. Blvd... and THAT feels like a lifetime ago. I was 22 or 23.

I'm older. Hopefully, I'm wiser too.

What Would You Attempt To Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail?

What's up 2011? :)

I'm ready to bring it - finally.

Personal training starts on Tuesday and I'm spending my Friday night at the gym.

My weight has little to do with food and exercise. It has everything to do with not having an emotional handle on a few issues I won't go into here except to say that I'm done.

I've resolved all outstanding personal issues weighing on me - literally.

I can't being to explain how free I finally feel. They key has been to face everything. To examine. To live with it all. To own it. Owning it, is going to allow me to bring it. A little bit of therapy never hurt anyone.

I want to be able to shop at Anthropologie, and White House Black Market, and Ann Taylor! And I want to buy their clothes - not just their bags & shoes. I want to not be forced into obsession with make-up because I simply can't be interested in the clothes.

I am obsessed with shows like The Biggest Loser and I Used to be Fat. I want to feel pretty and healthy. I want to feel normal. I want to sit in a seat at a movie theater on a date and not have that be the most self-conscious moment of the night.

I want to go on a "tour of jacuzzi's" like I did last summer and wear a normal fun bathing suit from a trendy local boutique - not one that has a skirt attached to hide the fat. I want to be able to take photos with my friends and not hide in the back or think about what angle this shot is coming from and how best to camoflague the fat. I want to stop HIDING.

I want to be normal-- and awesome.

And so it's time. The hard work begins again. This time does somehow feel different. They all have in the past in some way of course. You always think- I can do this. And then you fail anyway because you weren't prepared for the long haul. But I've got the tools in place to not relapse now. And the things that have always set me back in the past - the things embroiled in emotional turmoil - well they're not something I have to stuff down with food anymore.

My knee jerk reactions probably haven't changed yet... but I know better. And it will be ok.

It's going to be like the marathon. I'm going to live thru the pain until I've achieved what I set out to do. I know how. It's time to JUST DO IT.

There will be more updates - more of a chronicle-ing of the training and the process. Maybe shorter. Maybe longer. I'm not sure yet. But I do know that I want proof of what I'm going to go through to do this. It's going to be nuts. But I'm going to do it!

I feel suddenly free

More Biggest Loser viewing... makeover week. My favorite, I must admit. So inspiring to watch these transformations take place.

Things have seemed to be in spiral for me since last Friday. Fantasies have been blown apart. Dreams died. I feel like those are dramatic statements, but also true. Then the holiday hit. But... I know everything happens for a reason and I think I've just created the space in my life to make the changes I've been rolling around in my head.

Some doors were quietly closed on me. And others, I slammed shut myself. There's that saying about how when a door closes, a window opens, or something like that... maybe I believe that, maybe I doubt it. Maybe it's something people tell themselves to feel better when they lose. Or maybe it's just another way to think about change because it reflects the truth of life-- and it's ultimate transitory nature.

Mainly, I feel suddenly free. And instead of it being overwhelming and causing me to derail-- it's creating a sense of calm, determination, will.

I might fail... but that's ok. And that permission, is all I need today.

It must be something about November...

It must be something about November... somehow my motivation appears in this month. It's a couple months post birthday, with some time in front of me before New Year's. These are big markers in my head for many reasons... birthday, and new year's. My last post was in November '09 ... I did a detox that helped me lose weight and made me feel great! I'm currently watching a Biggest Loser marathon from my ever so helpful DVR. Every time I'm re-motivated, I think "this time will be different" -- but even that's the same. The very same, every time.

There are too many things that I've finally admitted to myself that I want - desperately - for my life, that the weight is holding me back from. Even that's wrong. The weight is an excuse. I keep the weight around as something to hold onto, to blame for the things I want, that I don't have.

I know what to do and how to do it and how hard I need to work at it and what to eat and how to work out and I continue to just. not. do. it. I fall into in-action during personal stress. What is ironic to me is that professionally, I do the opposite. Stress in the office? A flurry of action ensues... lead by professional confidence. I lack the confidence to act, personally.

Years of being the best friend of the hot girl all the guys want to date. Years of shopping for clothes in non regular stores. Cute, nice, awful, fat girl stores. Years of not really fitting into seats at movie theaters, or on planes. Years of dressing in layers to camouflage the spare tire around my waist.

And what continues to be amazing to me is that - I've run a marathon. I set down my pride and got dirty and disgusting and showed the fat in order to accomplish this goal. I gave up drinking, smoking. I set a schedule and got the proper amount of sleep almost every single night because I knew I would need it on a long run on the weekend. I gave up almost every single vice I've got (barring things like, carbs, those were still allowed). And I committed to a running schedule that I stuck to religiously, in order to do the miles, and get that medal, and yet, I won't do those things... to have the things I really want-- way more than some medal. WAY more than some medal.

I somehow need to figure out that I don't have to give up a social life, entirely, to also be healthy. Because right now I feel the need to cut everyone and everything off again, so that I can do this. THIS is what I don't know how to do -- balance.

I hate the people that this is effortless for. I hate people who don't have this problem. I feel the need to disassociate. I feel a distinct difference from people when I start getting successful at this. And maybe it's a reaction to me, feeling differently. But it is not in my head-- people are different when I start getting successful at this. And I don't know how to handle that. And it leads me to inaction. That's my gut instinct. But I really do hate you if you've never struggled with your weight. It is, exhausting. And devastating.

But I'm 31 now, and I've accomplished some amazing goals for myself this year. And it's time to do this. There is no tomorrow. Too many people are gone. The crappy, materialistic, inconsequential and selfish reasons for wanting the weight gone, are nothing, compared to the legitimate health reasons this MUST be done TODAY.

I went to the hermosa beach 24 hr fitness on Saturday and my head was not in the game. I mean- at least I went. But I needed an iPod with the zone programmed into it. And I needed for there not to be a million muscle men there... one of which I may or may not have "dated" ... unconfirmed. And I needed to have left my phone in the car so I was not distracted with work.

I need to make time for myself. Say no to the things that I know will be bad news for this goal. And I need to find a way for it to be different this time...

I've never liked Vogue

The half marathon was almost a month ago. I haven't signed up for my next race- but I will soon... I'm debating Huntington or OC... Feb or May... My LB medal is hanging on the corner of my television. Sometimes I don't even see it. Other times- I stop and stare.

I cut out a bikini model from Vogue. I've never liked Vogue. Which is strange-- almost every female I know can't help but be engrossed in it. Or at least - like thumbing through it. Not me. I never have. Never. But I bought one at the grocery store last night. I figured out I've never liked it because I never thought I could have ANYTHING in that magazine. Not the clothes, not the shoes. And not the style. Because when you're fat-- you don't even want to dream about those things. You just know you can't have them. And that is easier than wanting. But I've put this bikini model up on my fridge and I don't hate it. For once, I don't hate it. I'm inspired by it and I think I CAN have that.

I'm "detox'ing" right now. It's Dr.-supervised :) Don't worry. I have my own little version of Private Practice. I feel amazing on it. I'm not hungry at ALL. The only hard part is balancing my social life. Detox consists of 2 protein/fruit shakes a day. Unlimited fruits & veggies. Lean meat every three days. (I've been making these amazing turkey burgers for that! Sooo good! And all-natural supplements. I heart detox. Really. I feel so good. I've been telling all my friends detox is over on 11/20- and we're going OUT. But I'm kind of even afraid of that now, I like it that much. Don't get me wrong. I still can't wait to have an amazing cocktail that evening. But that's the thing- it will have to be A M A Z I N G for it to be worth it to me now.

I lost 7 lbs last week... and I should have an even higher number this week on detox. WooHoo! I've met w/ a few dr's and/or nutritionists / wellness peeps and I really believe at this point- with sincere and steady commitment, I can reach my goals within 6-8 months. I put the total and complete weightloss at a year on the outside. And that is so inspiring and motivating for me. I don't have to see the finish line, but I do need know it's going to come. That matters a lot. Having an internal clock for the future- helps the now- significantly!

I'm determined. And not settling.

"...I've been leaving it up to fate
It's my life so it's mine to make

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything, yeah

...With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Change her mind and change her world

I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just not giving up this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."

~Sugarland

good or bad- it will be changed by the miles.

So, in about 8 hours, I will be crossing the start line for the Long Beach Half Marathon. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained nearly hard or long enough. But I know I will be fine. B/c I've done it before. And I get thru everything these days thinking "I've survived a marathon, I can get thru THIS."

I've been entrenched in race day preparations. Setting the watch, pinning the race bib, attaching the shoe timer/chip, carb loading, setting out the sunscreen & body glide, charging the ipod, & chugging water. I forgot. It all came back to me in a flash, but I forgot the person I was when I was doing serious marathon training. Staying in on Friday or Saturday nights, and that being totally ok- and great even. Knowing that a whole world of fun was going on outside my mileage prep bubble, and not caring in the slightest. I know how to be, and very much like, this girl. But I forgot.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I mean, I know it. Let's be real. 13.1 ain't a stroll in the park. But I can do it. And that's why I need to write this down now. Because tomorrow I'm going to think something entirely different, good or bad, it will be changed by the miles.

If I need to register for a half marathon every couple of months to keep myself in this world, then that's what I'm going to do. Because I remember when I ran 8 miles EVERY Saturday as a *maintenance* run when I wasn't doing a long run. I used to call 8 an easy breezy run. And it was! I want that back.

One day I want to actually be able to wear the race t-shirt TO the race and have it fit AND look good. Right now, it just fits. Which, is more than I used to be able to say actually.

I'm supposed to be in bed sleeping already but I can't. I will- soon- but not yet. Right now I want to capture this moment of anticipation. This moment of knowing I can do it. Everything I read back in '05 said it is very difficult to lose weight when you're training for your first marathon. But that day is over and now I want to do manageable distances, consistently.

I like this moment, and this person. I want to convert this into energy and use it for the weightloss battle. I want to keep running off the pounds. Goals and events like this keep me IN it.

I know I can

It is amazing how quickly I start looking at and thinking "big picture." I have problems with the whole tree vs forest metaphor. In a given moment, I can only see the trees. I can only see the food right in front of me and I don't feel like I make good choices in those given moments. But left alone to my own devices with food and exercise off the table, I start thinking in terms of grandiose goals and projects for myself. And ONE day I am going to learn that this is my demise!

The Focus: November 1st. That is all. 10 lbs. That is all.

Today:
Breakfast, er, lunch really - organic waffle, greek yogurt w/ agave & blueberries on top
Dinner @ Bodega: hummus & pita, chopped salad, 2 glasses white wine

I'm pretty sure I stayed well w/in my calorie targets but I don't think this day went out super nutritionally.

I need to get better at eating every 4 hours.

Actually, before 11/1, I really just need to focus on the race on Sunday. 13.1 miles. I haven't trained hard enough-- but I KNOW I can DO it.

Because my body will forgive me, but my mind never will.

And I remember now that I can do this... keeping things simple

The blog is back! Many of you have asked me what's going on w/ the weightloss and the blogging. I stopped for awhile, initially because I was freaked out about my personal life being archived on the web for eternity. And I still am. So I may do some editing and censoring, but we'll see how it goes.

I reviewed my initial post - almost exactly 2 years ago. And I remember now that I can do this. I was losing weight pretty steadily then from November 07 to March 08... and then I started playing kickball again in Huntington and it somehow all went to hell.

Now, I don't think kickball was the prob. I think the lifestyle I chose (/choose) to lead when I'm playing kickball IS the problem.

So- I am becoming a hermit again. As much as I can possibly stand. Fall seems to be a good time for me to keep these things in check.

Also- the long beach half marathon is Sunday. I've done LITTLE training for this but I am DETERMINED to finish even if my body hates me for it. I did 26.2 once upon a time... I can conjure up the will. I will!

I will turn 31 on September 1st, 2010 which is a Wednesday. And USC plays at Hawaii that following Labor Day weekend. I dream of a trip to that game, actually being able to fit WELL into CUTE 'sc game attire... and a hot bathing suit for Hawaii beaches.

I am also in a wedding on Feb. 13th and will have another bridesmaid dress to parade in, so that should provide ample motivation as well

But instead of making crazy year long goals of hundreds of pounds... I am keeping things simple. 10 lbs in 1 month. My goal is to drop 10 lbs by November 1st, 2009.

And that is ALL I am going to focus on-- nothing else. I will not look beyond Nov 1st and I think everything's gonna be ok.

prison

Maybe the point is not to do something crazy... maybe the point is to ingrain the little things into everyday life.

Or... I could go to The Biggest Loser Audition on Saturday...

God. I could run a marathon- with the weight....

Imagine what I could do if I could just drop it. Just set it down. Just let it go.

If I could run a marathon ... why can't I seem to do THIS?

It was a public commitment. It was for a cause. It had a finite time limit.

Have I given up? I keep seeing these previews for "more to love" and I think about how reality tv is catching up to reality... (ya ya, i know, but you see my point). I think to myself- I should be on that show... but I don't WANT to be on THAT show.

I want to find love because I'm truly happy with myself. And I'm not- with this weight. So it must wait. And I am putting my whole life on hold. My whole, entire, life. Everything waits.

Someday- someday when I'm thin. Someday when I can wear the clothes I want. Someday when I don't struggle EVERY day to figure how to camouflage the fat, and the prison it represents.

I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the one time I started to achieve things I really wanted at the end of high school was when I was taking phen-fen. I remember the outfit I wore on my 17th birthday, exactly. It's the tiniest outfit I've ever owned in my entire life.

I'm very very very close to actually considering surgical options. Almost. I really don't want to. But my 30th birthday is almost exactly one month away and I am miserable because I am already dreading the photos. Already.

And despite the misery over it - I can't seem to effect change. I hold myself in prison. And nothing seems to matter.

I went BACK to weight watchers today. I have a weightloss history on their books dating back to 2002. How different would my life be right now if I'd taken the time to figure this out then?

I had the discipline to do that freaking marathon... somewhere within me I will find the strength to do this... now...

the urgency

I have about 4 drafts of posts I've written over the last couple months. I couldn't click "publish post." I think this is mainly b/c it was extensively "stream of consciousness" writing-- though that's never stopped me before... So maybe I don't really know why I didn't publish them. Maybe I just wasn't ready.

In any case-- people have been asking about the blog and where I am at with it all. The answer to that is that I've gotten everywhere- and nowhere- all at once.

I am at a standstill on any actual concrete losses. I've fluctuated in my weight watcher attendance, and in my weight. But mentally, I've shifted.

I feel desperation settling in the pit of my overly large stomach.

Back in Nov. '06 when I started this blog and was actually pretty successful at taking some of the weight off... I was desperate then too. It's a feeling unlike anything I can truly describe. It's the knowing, with absolute certainty, that if something is not done NOW, I might die, soon. And I will definitely be miserable leading up to that day. It's the feeling of not being good enough. And it feels disgusting. Because in the end, this life or death feeling can be conquered. It doesn't have to be that. It's not an uncontrollable illness (at least not in the traditional sense). And it should be something that can be conquered. It should be.

That anxiousness is starting to take hold again. The urgency. The self-disgust that propels into action instead of paralyzing into stillness. I will not be sedentary. I refuse.

I've hired a trainer. So what?
I'm following Weight Watchers. And?

It doesn't seem like any of the proactive steps I've taken are helping. And I think it's because I'm just going through the motions.

I need to be working out 2-4 hours/day. 2 in the a.m. and 2 at night.
I need to not just be watching "points" but food's nutritional value and timing and metabolism.
I need to be doing MORE.

I am not doing enough to effect change. I'm going to have to become a hermit again for a little while. That's the only way I know how to do this successfully. I cannot be in control of this and be social. I cannot meet you for dinner, or lunch. I cannot set foot in a bar. I do not know how to be a normal person AND succeed at this at the same time.

I tossed out old and crappy food & will soon be visiting Trader Joe's to stock up on healthiness.
I will be at the gym at 6am tomorrow. I'm back to going public w/ my quest because lord knows I can only use more accountability. I hate it, but I need it.

Starting again. Ugh. I've done it a million times. I still refuse to give up.

I feel determined. I may even apply to the Biggest Loser show. Really, I just might. Because I don't want to have surgery. I don't want the lapband, nor gastric bypass, nor do I think I'm going to be able to do this thru any "normal" means anymore.

I'm going to have to do something CRAZY! And I'm going to do it-- I just haven't figured out what "it" is yet...

2008: A Year of Fluctuation

revealed or not

I wanted to lose 3 lbs this week. I didn't. I lost 1.4lbs. I'm ok with it. I am headed in the right direction again, finally.

I just ate a red velvet cupcake that calorieking.com tells me works out to about 12 points. Oops. I'm just going to have to make a huge lovely salad for dinner tonight, and maybe go for a walk, to help out w/ that.

I have aspirations to get the eating under real control again in the next few weeks and then kick up the exercise. A trainer might be in order - for real. Hehe.

This is a lifelong business and I just can't expect it to magically happen overnight... but at the same time I can't use that as an excuse to fall off the food/exercise wagon.

I'm in overhaul mode -which I do. I get into these modes periodically and determine to reform my life to make it match the picture in my head.

"There's only us- There's only this- Forget regret- or life is yours to miss." ~Rent

I have to get over all the time I've lived as a fat girl. It doesn't mean I must be a fat girl forever. It just seems that way.

I sit in Portfolio Coffee House right now (the provider of the evil red velvet cupcake) but also the provider of this new fave fab green iced tea (seriously- it's SO good) ... and I am listening to "I'm coming up - I want the world to know - Got to let it show"

Every moment has it's purpose, revealed or not.

believing ~ needing ~ not giving up

I went back to Weight Watchers today.

I've had an iced triple grande nonfat latte w/ splenda, and a croissant. That's about 14 points. I used to get about 30-33 points in a day... I'll have to recalculate...

I have TONS of healthy stuff in my house that I plan to make for dinner tonight... I will not eat fast food! I will not I will not I will not.

Also- and this is going to sound ridiculous... but I'm going to be able to exercise more b/c I've found I can actually wear my hair curly and not straighten. I know that seems like a feeble excuse but you just have NO idea how much work it is to straighten my hair. Even if you think you know- you do not. And so having found a way to go curly and not hate it is actually going to improve my work out motivation. I know that seems nuts but it's actually a HUGE deal and I'm so happy about it.

Last March, I'd lost almost 30 lbs and had reached my 10 % weightloss goal. Most of that weight is back so I'll be focusing on my 5% goal first... 14 lbs.

The 1st week back is usually great - I could, in theory lose 5 lbs this week if I'm really good about it. And I plan to be. So, from there out, if I work out AND watch the eating, I can do about 2lbs/week. I'm looking at about 6 weeks here to hit this goal. IF I kick my own ass. Playing this game is dangerous. It sets up expectations. But I'm about 2 months away from a wedding & bachelorette party in Vegas to attend... and about 5months out from my 30th birthday. So god help me, I am DOING this NOW!

The other thing is that I might have to stop drinking, period. I'm not sure I can eliminate this aspect of my life entirely right now. Right now I'm looking at a once/week rule. Counting the points in alcohol just isn't enough. It somehow makes your body hang on to the fat. It makes working out harder. It leads to more smoking which is also awful. So... once/week. That's it.

I'm thinking about a run/walk every morning. And I'm thinking about doing the LB Half Marathon in October. I listen to my body and I hear it laughing at me. I don't know how I ever ran a marathon but I am immensely thankful I did that because it allows my brain to believe that I can do ANYTHING. And I need that right now. I need to hold on to the belief that I can push myself into normal sized clothing. And that marathon is maybe the only thing giving that to me right now.

I took a year off from watching the food & exercise. Ultimately. And so I start again. Like so many other times. I can't even tell you how this time is different. But I won't give up on myself.

must

This was a draft on 2/16, after I barely completed Bootcamp... a month later I'm ready to publish because I know what's coming next now...

***

Alright. Bootcamp is over. I stuck it out - mostly. But I don't think its totally for me. Maybe I just didn't click w/ the trainers. Or maybe I just hate push-ups. I did LUV the "hill" days where we had to run signal hill so I might go torture myself on my own sometimes when I want a hard run... which, when is that? But- you get the idea.

I am looking into personal training. I get bored. I have exercise ADD. I can't keep doing the same thing. I might go back to Pilates - both at 24 hr fitness & at the JCC.

I think time at the JCC would be good for me (no commentary from those of you who are haters- you know who you are). ... And it would be good for me to wear some Beach Equities stuff in the gym there. Overall, it'd be good for business. I'd totally be that girl- but maybe I am her. Eh, even I can't buy that. For those of you unfamiliar w/ the JCC - its just a *whole* lotta social politics. I have a luv-hate relationship w/ "the center" but... they have a really great gym.

I don't want to go back to Weight Watchers- but I think maybe I should. I'm not really that great at holding myself accountable.

I want to be independently wealthy so I can have a trainer, a nutritionist/chef, and a housekeeper. Alright - only 2 out of 3 are weightloss related but a girl can dream. But you know- even having the chef would not really problem-solve for me.

I LIKE TO GO OUT! I hate staying home period - so I hate staying home for meals.
This is ironic for me to type after making a lovely breakfast for myself, sipping my delish hazelnut coffee, while I stay in on my couch and out of the rain- not leaving my house. But this is not the norm.

I feel like I think and say the same things over and over and over and over again.
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry
And again~
Must lose weight
Must get healthy
Must do laundry.

Must find husband...

I think they are all connected and I won't touch any of them w/ a 10 foot pole if I can help it.
I hate doing laundry b/c if I have clean clothes and "don't have anything to wear" then it's my fault. The clothes, connected to the weight, connected to the health- and the confidence necessary to develop a great relationship... to not having that confidence... to sitting on my couch not doing laundry. Ahh the cycle.

I do everything for everybody else. I'm tired of working to please everyone else (except my clients - I still want to please them) :)

[This is where the contemplation trailed off and I got back to work...]

day 1 down...

I survived day 1 of bootcamp this a.m.
I have a smoker hacking cough.
I'm quitting. Even though I kind of want a cigarette even as I type that.
I'm quitting. For good.

I made a smoothie, and coffee. I will eat every 4 hours or so. And I will not make crazy rules for myself. I will just do the best I can.

I joined their weightloss challenge. $20 into the pot. $2 per lb gained. It works like biggest loser - the person w/ the highest % of weight lost wins the pot - or the top 6 ppl do or something like that.

Dude- I am totally going to WIN this shit. Nothing like a little competition to motivate!

I'm going to be sore tomorrow... and there is a "hill" day looming up on signal hill... talk to me then.

this time around

Well the time has come to get back on the wagon. I'm about a net 10 lbs down from when I started LAST Thanksgiving... when I started... when I started trying... when I started admitting... when I started caring, or admitting that care... when I started wanting, badly, enough... to take action.

And I feel 30 looming - which is WHY I started a year ago in the 1st place... b/c something inside me knew, or suspected, that maybe it wouldn't take. That maybe I wouldn't succeed. But this time around, 30 is here. In 9 months. And I'll be damned if I can't buy a birthday outfit off the rack at a "normal" store.

If you know me, you know that I LOVE my birthday. Much more than the average person. This is a major goal of mine. Every year of my life since I was like, 8, I've aspired to be skinny at the NEXT birthday. Every year of my life. I was once- my senior year of h.s. I remember exactly what I wore- and exactly how it felt. And I achieved everything else I wanted in life... in my mind, because of it.

The thing I want most- next to being thin & healthy- is to find the man of my dreams. And I genuinely believe that the weight must be lost before any man can care about me. And I know you have many a rebuttal to this thinking and I don't care. Your arguments are lost on me. I will acknowledge their existence but I refuse to give them any weight- no pun intended. Because its true. And even if its not actually true, I've made it true. My fat will continue to prevent me from finding this happiness because I do not have the confidence necessary. I've got it about all manner of things in life- but not about this. And I cannot get past it.

That moment of happiness, when I was got skinny on drugs (phen-fen), was so ephemeral. But I've built a life around it. Completely, utterly, around it. Never entering that zone again where I could be happy with who I am. Because I am always carrying this weight around to always feel like not enough, in that I'm actually too much.

But I don't write sadly today. I'm not moping about it. And while it could sound a little like whining, it's really just meant to be an honest accounting of the why and how, until now. I grew up in Southern California - and went to school in Orange County no less. You don't have to see the OC or watch Laguna Beach to know what that means. I am a product. But I own it. I know how it happened, and why, and I'm reaching, slowly, a place of acceptance about that.

It's time to take charge. And remain in control. Instead of reacting. Instead of ignoring. Instead of sitting on the couch w/ a pizza to calm the fear and loathing. I've added cigarettes and alcohol as sides to aide in the self-medication. But I've never let anything have the kind of control over me that food has. I feel powerless to it. God forbid I stop looking for the next thing I'm going to eat and actually feel something. But it is time.

I've said it over and over and over again. I don't honestly know how this time is going to be different. I don't honestly know. I'm moving on from weddings to baby showers and life is passing me by, alone. And even that is still not motivation enough to make me do this. Blood pressure medication - gallbladder surgery - even a friend's death - none of these things have made me truly examine my own mortality ENOUGH to DO this. I don't know how now will be different - than every other single solitary f-ing year of my life. I don't know.

But I do know that I'm not going to give up. I do know that I'm going to stop sticking my head in the sand. If I eat a piece of cake, I'm not going to sit on my couch, I'm going to go for a walk.

The Plan:
Long Beach Bootcamp www.longbeachbootcamp.com
Pilates - thru 24hr & the JCC
Writing down what I eat - every morsel
the "Spring into Life" cooking series thru hipcooks.com
and a dog... soon... :)

I'm through with Weight Watchers. I'm just totally bored and over it so I'm not going to do it.
I may sign up for meal delivery thru Jillian Michaels. Or I might try out Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. But not yet. Quite frankly I know how to eat. I don't need anyone to teach me. What I need is to not be so lonely so that I seek out starbucks, and fast food, and so many dinners and various meals out just for contact with people in general, and my friends. I need to be OK sitting at home eating a healthy dinner for one. And that is truly the crux of my healthy eating problem - doing it all ALONE.

Bootcamp starts tomorrow. And its a busy stressful week which will trigger stress/emotional eating. I need to prepare healthy snacks - and shop for them, now.

I'm back to admitting I care. I'm not super happy about it. I don't feel like "yay- I'm starting again & am going to be healthy!" which is usually how it goes... there is no ra.

I'm angry. I'm pisssed I haven't done this already. I'm mad b/c I think its preventing me from having the things I really want in life. I'm furious that I feel so incredibly alone, and not good enough. And I'm going to f-ing kick some ass at this this time around...

the scale will tell

I'm weighing in tomorrow instead of Saturday... I went to pilates monday & today. I've stuck to my points... but not *super* carefully. There was definitely a purchase of a twix bar - but I counted it. We'll see. I don't "feel" like I've lost this week.

But the scale will tell...

the week I am living in

I made my 2 point coffee (soy creamer + 1tbsp of honey). I made my 1 point english muffin w/ faux butter spray. I had organic soy cream- and spray butter... maybe the organic healthy-ness and the chemicals are a wash? Maybe? :) I hope.

I am having a biz lunch at my ol' stomping grounds of Bonjour Bagels in Los Al. I will be having the Americana - turkey on an 'everything' bagel. So delish. And then b/c of that, I will need to have a salad for dinner.

There are no pilates classes anywhere on a Friday. I felt this last week but I didn't confirm it to be totally true until last night. I'm sort of getting hooked on pilates. I suck at it- but I really like it. And I feel AMAZING after each class. The class I went to last night was at the huntington 24hr, which I don't normally go to. It was a different instructor and ALL kinds of hard. No wonder I never went back last time I tried it a few yrs back. Anyhow, for now I am fine w/ my low budget pilates. And I should probably get to a point where I am doing more cardio also. But I kind of want like a Pilates trainer and to go to a strictly pilates/yoga studio and become one of 'those' people. Ha. I soooo, am not. But I could be.

Once I GET thin- or maybe once I hit a certain goal mark yet to be determined, I will make that my reward. Wouldn't that be so healthy? An exercise reward. Good god, what am I saying? :)

In any case, I am back to chronicling my healthy habits I am instilling in myself. When I started this I noted, "I write to hold myself accountable." And let me tell you, when I'm not writing about what I am doing- I'm a trainwreck of dieting disaster. So it's good. I'm back on track. I like it. I'm not going crazy with timelines and goals... yet. It's enough to just focus on losing in the one week I am living in today.

crucial

I'm turning it around- slowly but surely. Out of the darkness.

I lost 2.2 lbs last week. I believe I'm on track to lose another two at my weigh-in with Weight Watchers on Saturday a.m.

I'm in control. And I care again.

Crucial to my success:
- Making coffee @ home to keep me out of starbucks
- 2-3 point muffins
- 100 cal english muffins
- crystal light
- http://mobile.weightwatchers.com
- knowing my plans in advance
- limiting alcohol
- cooking! I'm actually doing it!

I kind of actually CAN cook- when I trust myself. Or when I do it more frequently. The more I do it- the better I get at it. :) I feel www.hipcooks.com coming on again soon.

I am really really tired of the fat photos, the fat clothes, and the fat glances from men. I'm tired of being uncomfortable.

And at this point- almost a year later - having lost about half of my original success - I'm really unclear on just what it is going to take for me to finally take the weight off. Because it's not about not knowing how... it's completely an emotional response and buffering from the world.

I'm most miserable in the summer - b/c it's bathing suit season.
But I get happy again when fall comes. I like the colder weather- and more covered clothing to go with it.

I'm learning that I don't stand up for myself... on so many levels... and that must stop- in order for this endeavor, and me, to succeed!

Oh healthy day

10.13.08

So... I am off my starbucks addiction- not my caffeine addiction- but my starbucks addiction.
I made 2 point apple cinnamon muffins for breakfast. I made coffee at home.
I am going to Pilates at 7pm tonight.
I did the Long Beach 5k yesterday. I need new shoes.
I am going to do the Dana Point 10k on Thanksgiving.
And the Surf City Half Marathon on February 1st.

My house is clean. More importantly, my kitchen is clean. My fridge is empty but my pantry is stocked. I just need things like milk...

finding motivation

On the list of my super priorities in life- or, in each individual day- I just can't seem to make myself go to the gym. I can't find clean work out clothes- or socks - or even my tennis shoes right now. I have no idea where they are.

My couch has never felt more comfy. I work from it w/ my laptop. I watch tv on it. I even sleep on it occasionally. Alright alright- the last 3 nights. I know!

I need to sign up for a trainer. I need to JUST go for a walk. Oh b/c ALSO- I'm supposed to do the Long Beach Half Marathon in a week and a half and haven't run in probably more than 2 months. I keep waking up thinking- today I will do an 8miler test run to see if I can still pull it off. Instead I put it off. I'm so feeble. Who thinks they can do 13.1 miles without training? Who does that? No one. Well, maybe some Kenyans. But they probably CAN.

I would like to be independently wealthy so that I can have a chef, trainer, and maid. Ahh that would be the life. :)

changing... slowly...

I am tracking my points. I am signing up for a personal trainer at 24 hour fitness. I WILL keep doing this... because life is short, and I want to enjoy it, more. In the moment... and for a longer period of time...

I made crystal light- and did my dishes. And I have lean cuisines and smart ones in my freezer to keep me on track.

I bought stuff for a salad yesterday, and made it last night... and I will make it again.

Because I think I need to eat a salad a day... and maybe an apple a day as well.

Little changes. Little changes. I must commit to them.

somehow

My eating still isn't under control. And I'm not exercising. But here's the thing- I'm not going out. I'm working hard and keeping a regular schedule. This past weekend was insanely busy- and crazy fun. And I became immensely aware of how I operate on a regular basis. I let other people have control - for a variety of fears and anxiety and people-pleaser tendencies.

I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.

It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.

I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.

The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.

It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.

I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.

I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.

Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.

Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.

Somehow.

the wait, the want, the will

I attended a Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday. Then I went to a big fat greek party.
I ordered a pizza on Sunday - with cinnamon sticks. I also had about 3 coke zeros.
Today I've had a croissant, a pastry, a starbucks coffee and a peet's iced tea.

I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I'm definitely addicted to the habits of interaction that are the anonymity of coffee & tea establishments.

I'm really considering more greek food for dinner + pinkberry.

What I need to do is clean my kitchen and go grocery shopping. I need to clean up my apartment- b/c when its messy, I am lazy. I need to stock my house with the fuel I need to continue the good efforts, instead of fall into the bad, of take-out, and laziness.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

No- that's not a glitch.

I need to go running!

I need to buy this flat iron called "the croc" so I can easily get my hair to go from damp, to straight. My old one broke... and seriously- I can't deny- this is something hindering me from working out. Straightening my hair is SUCH a bitch, but I hate it otherwise... so I avoid working out- so the straightness can last longer. I need to just buy that damn iron again- despite the cost. So I am happy.

I need to go back to 24Lift ...

I am signed up for the LB Half Marathon on 10/12 and god help me but I'm going to do it. Some way- some how. I think I've forgotten how hard 13.1 can be when you're not doing an easy 8 on a regular basis. Where is my running watch? And I need to replace the battery...

I just keep refusing to take ACTION with the things I know I need to do to be successful at this...

What will happen if I'm successful? Why do I keep sabotaging it? What is wrong with me that I somehow enjoy staying in this state of hell. There has to be some payoff or I would get OUT of it already.

I don't understand... b/c I want the fab clothes... and I want the relationship... and I want the hot heels... and I want the bathing suits... and ability to sit comfortably on an airplane- or at a restaurant table. And I don't have any of those things now... and I know they are worth the work to me.

But for some reason- the comfort of the food-shoveling action is more enticing in a given moment than any of those things. And in fact, they help numb the saddness that I can't have any of those things UNTIL I lose the weight... The wait.