things i don't want to know

I had a new epiphany in the car on the way home from dinner tonight. What if I lose the weight? I mean- really- what if I succeed? Then what?

I won't have a built-in excuse anymore.

If a guy just isn't into me- I won't be able to blame the weight.
If I don't get a job I want- I won't be able to blame the weight.

Whatever it is that I'm going to fuck up in the future- because I will- because I'm human- I will have to face- instead of blame the weight.

There- that's one.

Two is this- what if I succeed? Well- why the hell couldn't I have done this when I was 10 years old? When I first tried Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig BOTH for the 1st time. (Yes, that's right- 10 yrs old people) Well, if I do it now- and can lose all the weight and can succeed, why couldn't I do it then? Who and what have I pushed out of my life or let go of because of the weight? What if I could have gone to my prom? What if I would've gone to a different college? What if I could have pledged a sorority like I wanted most in the world when I was 17 but was shut out of... What if? What if? What if? If I succeed- and prove I can do it- and I didn't do it THEN... How could I have let so many years of happiness pass me by? How could I have let that happen? If I win at this now, how can I live with the fact that I let myself fail at it for 18 years?

***

I am not someone who just needs to lose weight and is finally doing it. I am not that person. I was never someone just going to grow out of their chunky preteen years. That's not me. It's not just some cool journey. It's who I am.

The weight that I carry around with me- good and bad- is a piece- a very very large piece (no pun intended) of who I am. My identity has been shaped around it. Formed, and molded, to fit, very tightly, around it. And if I have to get rid of it- if I really have to do this- I am going to have large gaping holes in the whole game of "Who am I?"

I am: the friend of the hot girl- the one the guys talk to about the girl they want "So what's the deal with your friend?" is standard to hear in my life, constantly.
I am not: ever, the one they are talking about

I am: the faithful listener
I am not: the center of attention

I am: the critical eye to help a friend shopping for an outfit for a hot date
I am not: ever taking friends shopping w/ me when I'm really buying real fat clothes (mostly)

I am: the bridesmaid
I am not: the bride

I am: partying single girl
I am not: the domesticated wife

I am: the helper
I am not: the do-er

I am: the Friend
I am not: the Girlfriend

I am: behind the scenes
I am not: center stage

I am terrified of losing the weight more than I ever knew.
I am not sure how I am going to find a new identity to believe in.

But I know I have to change at least 50% of what I believe about myself, in order to do this. It's getting hard. I have some super success. And, I'm about 10 lbs away from my 1st 10% goal. This is where I usually walk away.