you know, i had a lean cuisine for dinner last night that was also delish. i have never been super into the frozen food thing (unless you count some of the frozen bagged stuff from TJ's)... but maybe i should start looking at keeping my freezer stocked. this seems to be a good way to manage points and eat almost real food that's pretty good. i have been putting it onto real plates as well so i don't feel like its in some crappy packaging. which always seems to help. it's my lazy way to stay on track.
i still have 18 points left for today- which is a lot. i will have subway for dinner, after i work-out, and watch the biggest loser. i also need to pick up some more golden spoon to stock in the freezer.
i am still really irritated w/ how boring i feel about all that. but i'll get over it, i think.
cooking for one is kind of a bitch. i mean- i don't want to eat the same things every single day (aside from starbucks and golden spoon) so having leftovers is not really helpful. and making a meal for one person seems like so much effort sometimes.
i'm just still whiney about it all right now b/c i'm mad at myself for derailing this weekend. my home scale says i'm up those 2lbs i lost to hit my 20lb goal. so i have to LOSE those 2 lbs again just to maintain this week.
success... this is not just a weight issue but a common problem in my life in general. once upon a time i was really great at everything i did. and somewhere along the way i started fucking it all up.
i am deserving of this weight-loss success. i am! it just isn't sinking in deep enough to keep me focused every single day.
***
i was recently reminded of the last time i thought i was getting remotely thinner... it was around 03 or 04, when i went to my friend lauren's wedding in vegas at the bellagio. i can remember every single outfit i wore that weekend. and how great i felt about myself. i didn't hate my life. i was really enjoying it. i was working in beverly hills and my job hadn't gotten boring yet and i was dating a few people. i had just extricated myself from a terrible job that had been taking over my life- not to mention my soul.
before that, i think the last time i felt "thin" or on my way to thin was 95-97- my jr and sr yr's of high school when i took phen-fen. and before that, my last significant memory of really working at the weight-loss was around 5th or 6th grade... that's when it started. i'd been a heavy kid... i remember recital dance outfits not fitting right... but before that, if you get back to it. i'd been ok until about 3rd grade...
food as a coping mechanism. i remember D.A.R.E. coming to our classes to warn us against drugs. i started my rebellion around 7th grade.
i think i always knew about myself that if i ever really got into drugs or alcohol that it could be the end of my life. that it would be the end of my life. i think i knew about addiction really early. and i'm not sure why, or how. but i knew that i had inside me, a tendency towards destruction.
i had a fear about those commercials "this is your brain- this is your brain on drugs" - with the eggs in the fying pan. i didn't want to sizzle my brain like the eggs in the pan and the next best choice was extreme- voluminous amounts of sugary treat-like foods.
i used to walk to 7-11 w/ my best friend nikki and i always got a reese's peanut butter cup. i usually got 4-5 items but i remember the reese's.
nikki and i got older and we used to hang out under the seal beach pier, and at the lakewood mall. when we got too cold under the pier- we walked back to taco bell and mcdonald's on pch- she would always only get coffee. i would always get nachos and fries.
i can't begin to think of the dollars i have eaten- and now, with age, drinken away.
nikki's house was a wonderland of junk- and she was always given dessert- b/c she wasn't gaining weight as a kid ... i was gaining it for her.
guys were into her, not me.
she was blonde, and cute, and crazy, and artistic, and super fun.
i was not blonde. but i had the brains, and the money. nikki wasn't not smart, but she did have learning disabilities.
and so that was the trade-off. i was the smart one- and she was the pretty one.
i used to always think as a kid when we went shopping for school clothes, that i was really lucky that my parents could afford to buy the more expensive fat clothes for me. if we found one item that fit me, we bought it in every color they offered. i used to literally, literally think, in a childlike way, that that was the tradeoff. you could be skinny and beautiful- or you could be fat and ugly, but buy your way out of it, maybe. i was always bitter b/c you can always make more money- but you can't change the science of who you are, trapped inside a body you hate.
and clearly you grow up and you learn better.
but some things get hard-wired and you can't kill the neurological pathways that have been burned into your brain over the years.
maybe i've been trashing the smart me, to somehow find the pretty me.
i won't do my laundry. i won't hang up my clothes. i won't buy new ones. i refuse.
i can't find a groove to settle into in my career. and i keep not submitting my mba / grad school apps. i won't retake the gmat. i won't do any of it.
i'm trashing the intelligent person i was- b/c i still think it's a trade-off. that i can't have both.
i'd give anything to be one of the skinny, pretty girls. i really would- you'd be surprised, what i'm willing to give up to have that. and i know it's shallow. and at the same time that i want it- i hate myself a little bit for that fact. and any one of you who is going to comment that beauty is on the inside- you may as well ice your face now before i smack you. that may be the truth. but it is not the society we live in. and maybe that means society is wrong- but i don't fucking care.
but i'm real clear now... i've been trashing my success, and my life in general, in a sad, unconscious pursuit of a "new and improved" me that isn't ever going to exist. at least, not in the way my head has created it.
i am hardwired to believe it is a trade-off.
it's not.
i will get thin. and i will love my life again. but there is a long road ahead. and a large scary space to hang out in while i figure it all out.
No comments:
Post a Comment