the scale will tell

I'm weighing in tomorrow instead of Saturday... I went to pilates monday & today. I've stuck to my points... but not *super* carefully. There was definitely a purchase of a twix bar - but I counted it. We'll see. I don't "feel" like I've lost this week.

But the scale will tell...

the week I am living in

I made my 2 point coffee (soy creamer + 1tbsp of honey). I made my 1 point english muffin w/ faux butter spray. I had organic soy cream- and spray butter... maybe the organic healthy-ness and the chemicals are a wash? Maybe? :) I hope.

I am having a biz lunch at my ol' stomping grounds of Bonjour Bagels in Los Al. I will be having the Americana - turkey on an 'everything' bagel. So delish. And then b/c of that, I will need to have a salad for dinner.

There are no pilates classes anywhere on a Friday. I felt this last week but I didn't confirm it to be totally true until last night. I'm sort of getting hooked on pilates. I suck at it- but I really like it. And I feel AMAZING after each class. The class I went to last night was at the huntington 24hr, which I don't normally go to. It was a different instructor and ALL kinds of hard. No wonder I never went back last time I tried it a few yrs back. Anyhow, for now I am fine w/ my low budget pilates. And I should probably get to a point where I am doing more cardio also. But I kind of want like a Pilates trainer and to go to a strictly pilates/yoga studio and become one of 'those' people. Ha. I soooo, am not. But I could be.

Once I GET thin- or maybe once I hit a certain goal mark yet to be determined, I will make that my reward. Wouldn't that be so healthy? An exercise reward. Good god, what am I saying? :)

In any case, I am back to chronicling my healthy habits I am instilling in myself. When I started this I noted, "I write to hold myself accountable." And let me tell you, when I'm not writing about what I am doing- I'm a trainwreck of dieting disaster. So it's good. I'm back on track. I like it. I'm not going crazy with timelines and goals... yet. It's enough to just focus on losing in the one week I am living in today.

crucial

I'm turning it around- slowly but surely. Out of the darkness.

I lost 2.2 lbs last week. I believe I'm on track to lose another two at my weigh-in with Weight Watchers on Saturday a.m.

I'm in control. And I care again.

Crucial to my success:
- Making coffee @ home to keep me out of starbucks
- 2-3 point muffins
- 100 cal english muffins
- crystal light
- http://mobile.weightwatchers.com
- knowing my plans in advance
- limiting alcohol
- cooking! I'm actually doing it!

I kind of actually CAN cook- when I trust myself. Or when I do it more frequently. The more I do it- the better I get at it. :) I feel www.hipcooks.com coming on again soon.

I am really really tired of the fat photos, the fat clothes, and the fat glances from men. I'm tired of being uncomfortable.

And at this point- almost a year later - having lost about half of my original success - I'm really unclear on just what it is going to take for me to finally take the weight off. Because it's not about not knowing how... it's completely an emotional response and buffering from the world.

I'm most miserable in the summer - b/c it's bathing suit season.
But I get happy again when fall comes. I like the colder weather- and more covered clothing to go with it.

I'm learning that I don't stand up for myself... on so many levels... and that must stop- in order for this endeavor, and me, to succeed!

Oh healthy day

10.13.08

So... I am off my starbucks addiction- not my caffeine addiction- but my starbucks addiction.
I made 2 point apple cinnamon muffins for breakfast. I made coffee at home.
I am going to Pilates at 7pm tonight.
I did the Long Beach 5k yesterday. I need new shoes.
I am going to do the Dana Point 10k on Thanksgiving.
And the Surf City Half Marathon on February 1st.

My house is clean. More importantly, my kitchen is clean. My fridge is empty but my pantry is stocked. I just need things like milk...

finding motivation

On the list of my super priorities in life- or, in each individual day- I just can't seem to make myself go to the gym. I can't find clean work out clothes- or socks - or even my tennis shoes right now. I have no idea where they are.

My couch has never felt more comfy. I work from it w/ my laptop. I watch tv on it. I even sleep on it occasionally. Alright alright- the last 3 nights. I know!

I need to sign up for a trainer. I need to JUST go for a walk. Oh b/c ALSO- I'm supposed to do the Long Beach Half Marathon in a week and a half and haven't run in probably more than 2 months. I keep waking up thinking- today I will do an 8miler test run to see if I can still pull it off. Instead I put it off. I'm so feeble. Who thinks they can do 13.1 miles without training? Who does that? No one. Well, maybe some Kenyans. But they probably CAN.

I would like to be independently wealthy so that I can have a chef, trainer, and maid. Ahh that would be the life. :)

changing... slowly...

I am tracking my points. I am signing up for a personal trainer at 24 hour fitness. I WILL keep doing this... because life is short, and I want to enjoy it, more. In the moment... and for a longer period of time...

I made crystal light- and did my dishes. And I have lean cuisines and smart ones in my freezer to keep me on track.

I bought stuff for a salad yesterday, and made it last night... and I will make it again.

Because I think I need to eat a salad a day... and maybe an apple a day as well.

Little changes. Little changes. I must commit to them.

somehow

My eating still isn't under control. And I'm not exercising. But here's the thing- I'm not going out. I'm working hard and keeping a regular schedule. This past weekend was insanely busy- and crazy fun. And I became immensely aware of how I operate on a regular basis. I let other people have control - for a variety of fears and anxiety and people-pleaser tendencies.

I'm lonely. And I feel it sometimes so intensely... and other times I can go on for days or weeks without being aware of it. I've really struggled with the weightloss for the last 6 months. I did really well the 6 months before that. Maybe its seasonal. It all sort of went downhill when I started my kickball job... and its *slowly* gotten better since I quit it. But I think that's only a single factor.

It's my party-girl lifestyle I maintain. And it's not that I love it so, so much. It's that it's all I have. I don't want to come home and make dinner for myself every night and eat it, alone. And I don't have an office to go to. And so the "going out" is my connection to the rest of the world... to my friends... really, to my identity.

I've been evaluating who really knows me, who really supports me, and what connections are simply unhealthy for me to maintain, and yet, the most addictive.

The Biggest Loser is back on! The premiere is on as I write this. It is so inspiring. I want this more than anything in the world. And I've wanted it for as long as I can remember. Every September for as long as I can remember, 2 things happened. My birthday would roll around- and I'd go "back-to-school." And every year, I would vow to make a change and that THIS year would be different. And I started again last September... with success... but I've let it go again. This is about the time I give up. I know what that timing feels like. I know it intimately.

It comes to visit when I get a taste of what life might be like as a thin person. When I might be successful... when I might love my life... when someone might love me- back. But I keep myself on the verge of all those things- and I keep myself tied up in the food chains.

I think I'm trying to stick with this- even though it's hard- because the food is starting to not be enough. And so I know if I don't find a way to move through this... as the food keeps not being enough... I'm only going to eat more and more of it.

I'm still determined to do the Long Beach Half Marathon... but it's about a month away... and I'm not running.

Last September I was trying to "start again" with a "boring" life in Long Beach... but I gave up on that and went back to my "LA life" because I couldn't take the monotony (read: boredom & lonliness). So I need to work on finding the balance.

Stop fighting it. Let it all be ok. Without settling.

Somehow.

the wait, the want, the will

I attended a Weight Watcher meeting on Saturday. Then I went to a big fat greek party.
I ordered a pizza on Sunday - with cinnamon sticks. I also had about 3 coke zeros.
Today I've had a croissant, a pastry, a starbucks coffee and a peet's iced tea.

I'm definitely addicted to sugar. I'm definitely addicted to caffeine. I'm definitely addicted to the habits of interaction that are the anonymity of coffee & tea establishments.

I'm really considering more greek food for dinner + pinkberry.

What I need to do is clean my kitchen and go grocery shopping. I need to clean up my apartment- b/c when its messy, I am lazy. I need to stock my house with the fuel I need to continue the good efforts, instead of fall into the bad, of take-out, and laziness.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

I need to go running.

No- that's not a glitch.

I need to go running!

I need to buy this flat iron called "the croc" so I can easily get my hair to go from damp, to straight. My old one broke... and seriously- I can't deny- this is something hindering me from working out. Straightening my hair is SUCH a bitch, but I hate it otherwise... so I avoid working out- so the straightness can last longer. I need to just buy that damn iron again- despite the cost. So I am happy.

I need to go back to 24Lift ...

I am signed up for the LB Half Marathon on 10/12 and god help me but I'm going to do it. Some way- some how. I think I've forgotten how hard 13.1 can be when you're not doing an easy 8 on a regular basis. Where is my running watch? And I need to replace the battery...

I just keep refusing to take ACTION with the things I know I need to do to be successful at this...

What will happen if I'm successful? Why do I keep sabotaging it? What is wrong with me that I somehow enjoy staying in this state of hell. There has to be some payoff or I would get OUT of it already.

I don't understand... b/c I want the fab clothes... and I want the relationship... and I want the hot heels... and I want the bathing suits... and ability to sit comfortably on an airplane- or at a restaurant table. And I don't have any of those things now... and I know they are worth the work to me.

But for some reason- the comfort of the food-shoveling action is more enticing in a given moment than any of those things. And in fact, they help numb the saddness that I can't have any of those things UNTIL I lose the weight... The wait.

my silver lining of today

I feel like it looks outside- grey & dreary. And part of me LOVES it. And part of me is just dreary.

I like that I can hide in a sweatshirt again.

A few days ago...
I made brownie mix ... I put water & oil into brownie mix, but no eggs... so I could just eat the mix.
I even ate some of it a day later. That's gross.

Hooked on starbucks muffins and croissants, again.

My car is clean- and, there is no food in it- and, that's my silver lining of today.

the promise... all in good time

I haven't eaten the healthiest of items today... but they've all been super low in points.
I am having Fortune Cookie tonight which I am very excited about and for which I have diligently saved my points.

I revised my goals and expectations today. I made an excel spreadsheet- with formulas n everything! :) I believe I can take off the less than 10lbs to get back to my ORIGINAL 10% weight... and I believe I can hit the 2nd 10% lost by the end of the year. I also believe that I can weigh 160lbs -- my goal weight -- before the end of 2009.

I just can't fall off the wagon anymore. I'm wasting months. I really wanted to have accomplished this before my 30th birthday. I could have, but I wasted time. I still hope I can pull it off by then, but after running the most realistic of numbers, it's really going to be before the end of '09.

I know I should only be looking at today but the promise of having a new body in a little over a year makes me so happy. And I do know that I can do it- I just can't fall off the wagon anymore.

As my original WW leader Lori Fusaro often said- it has to be like brushing your teeth. You can't imagine going a day without tracking your food. It has to be that ingrained in your life that you just do it automatically without thinking.

It's the thinking right now that is making me sort of miserable about it. But I know that can be gotten over too. All in good time.

right?

I ate a 2-point ice cream sandwich for breakfast... I might have 1 more and some coffee...

I'm not going to run today b/c my hair is straight and I like it that way- and straightening it might actually be more work than running.

But I'm tracking... even tho I find what I am eating completely wrong, I am writing it down... so, uh, that's good right?

right now

I woke up dreaming about a croisssant at Starbucks. In, literally, the blink of an eye, I realized the sickness of my ingrained habits.

I had 3/4 cups of Honey Bunches of Oats w/ 1/2 cup of milk- all measured out. I didn't like it. And I wrote it down. I wasn't hungry after I ate it- but I didn't feel full like I do after a croissant... and I didn't get my morning interaction w/ my barista and the random strangers that I apparently adore so much.

Instead, I made bad coffee in my mobile french press mug... and 2 hours later subsequently bought an iced coffee at CBTL b/c it was next to the gas station I was at.

I had a bag of mini pretzels that luckily I was too lazy to drag out of my car from the grocery store last night so they were conveniently present for a mid-morning snack.

I am walking the walk, at least for this morning.

"If your life is going to be wedded to a slur, it might as well be a colorful one."

So I read this book called Drunkard by Neil Steinberg. The cover had lime green lettering with a large ice cube and it screamed "You need to read me!" from the shelf of a Barnes & Noble and I purchased it on Friday night. I was done by 3:30pm on Saturday. It is not a thin book. It is the memoir of one man's struggle with alcoholism. But it is not just for alcoholics. It is a book for anyone facing an addiction, anyone trying to climb a mountain, anyone who is not perfect, and anyone who maybe thinks they in fact are perfect... and they've always wondered what the other side is like. I'm pretty sure that having read this book is going to be one of those important turning points in this journey for me. I can't be certain, but I have that feeling... that mattering feeling you get when you know something is important. It's not a how-to book. I like those. The lists and forms and calendars in them make me feel calm and in control. Drunkard is a tale, a chronology, a documentary. It is honest and it does not suppose to tell you there is hope for you... the only message is "This is my story" ... not to discount the actual many messages... but really, that's the bottom line.

I tell you about this book almost in the same way that the author speaks of one of his AA meetings... because its one of things that has led me to today.

I lost 3.6lbs at Weight Watchers today... I weighed in at a meeting. Alone. And I sat alone. And I listened to the ra-ra message trying to use the Olympics to inspire the members to move more- not even to exercise- but just to move. And I saw again, the way I used to think of it when I started years ago, how WeightWatchers is really similar to AA. The blessing and the curse... the blessing is that food is not physiologically as addictive as alcohol. The curse is that you can't decide to never eat again to lose weight.

And I know there are probably a bunch of recovering alcoholics who would hate that I can make this comparison b/c how can this possibly be the same.... but I'm pretty sure for me, that it is exactly the same.

A craving. Always on your mind. Where is the next drink coming from? How good will it be? And eventually it doesn't matter to the point of desperation of drinking the cooking vanilla in your kitchen cupboard. I have shoved countless amounts of shitty shitty junk food into my mouth without ever tasting it. Its not hunger. Its to feed the addiction. The loneliness and lack of rational thought leads me to the food and its never a question- of course I'm going to eat everything. B/c the fuller I can make myself feel- the less empty I seem. Its a type of numbing process that I've honed since a child.

And I'm not sure that Weight Watchers will work. But I also don't want to be one of those people to have to resort to surgery. Nor do I want to die from a stroke, or heart attack, or develop diabetes. I'm on that path. And I can't always make myself buy-in to the WW spiel. I was "on the wagon" w/ this endeavor for quite a few months- and I had some success... but I fell off the wagon, and I've been off doing some damage.

I'm finally sliding back on- I lost this week which is great but I"m more concerned with this coming week now. What will I eat? How will I avoid the bad stuff? Can I still make the right decisions if I am social? And haven't I been slowly isolating myself so that I will have no one and nothing left to do but hang out with myself and exercise and eat at home.

I'm pretty sure I am addicted to the stuffed & numbing sensation that over-eating provides me. I'm pretty sure that if I did have the surgery instead of doing this myself, I would end up a Drunkard. Because I am not someone who needs to lose 30lbs or their baby weight or their freshman 15 or 40 as the case may be. I have a lifetime of disappointment, regret, and loneliness hanging around my heart and I know how to physically get rid of the weight. Calories in and calories out.

But until I deal with why... I am never going to succeed. I can track everything I eat now- but its just the wagon. I'll keep falling off again and again until I get to the bottom of the black hole.

And the thing is- I don't really want to get to the bottom of it because its pretty scary. I wish I could go somewhere for 28 days that would detox me of my food addiction and I could come out not eating, ever. Sadly, I must eat to live and I don't know how I'm going to figure out how to make the right choices. Because I hate them. Just like the Drunkard believes he can handle 1 glass of wine that turns into a week-long bender on Jack... I find a way to rationalize whatever it is I'm putting into my mouth at any time. I have a reason for everything and I'm always starting over. Relapsing.

Isn't anyone else sick of me relapsing? No. Because I don't get dysfunctional like a drunk... instead I get fatter. So as long as I can pretend to live with that, there are no consequences, until my health collapses.

When there are no consequences, I don't change. Because I don't have to. Hell, even when there are consequences, I don't change. Because I care more to support my food binging habits that somehow make my world ok, than I do if I end up in the hospital. That may not be true deep down, but that's how I act on every single given day.

And haven't you heard...?
Beware of your thoughts for they become your actions. etc etc

The catalyst to change for the Drunkard in the book was a night in jail. The law forced him into rehab. No one is going to force me into anything over weight loss. There is no crime. There are no legal ramifications. There are mostly only serious health consequences...
those clearly aren't having any effect on my actions...

But this book, this book opened my eyes to the true nature of my habits... almost all of them... they are an addicts habits. The cravings, the needs, the price and joy in the ritual, the feeling that it my god damned right to do as I please if it makes me feel good, the shame, the disbelief at how much of a choke-hold it has on your day-to-day life, the unforeseen triggers, the unfolding hell with strict, dark, blinders on.

But it opened my eyes- and reminded me that if I am to eliminate some habits or activities or joy- that I better find something to replace it with. Hopefully I'll be willing to keep my eyes open long enough to make some real, actual, measurable, progress.

... I want not to post this right now as its 3:30am and I've had a lot of caffeine keeping me up... but even as I type, I know I'm going to anyway. Because even if its rough and needs refining and maybe some clarity... the heart of it is true and correct... and if I let it go, I'm just going to censor it down until its a funny anecdote about a book I read that maybe has some relevance to this. When the reality is, I have to post this now before I stop myself, because it's real, maybe critical. And I'm just tired enough to let it be.

one day

I haven't given up. I've gone back to actually weighing-in at Weight Watcher meetings. I'm up 0.4 lbs this week from last.

I am back to tracking my food. This seems to be the key to success. Regardless of exercise, regardless of junk food or alcohol consumption, as long as I track it all, I do ok.

Today, so far, I have had a vivvanno smoothie from starbucks, and a smart ones frozen lunch of yummy quesadillas. I have 19 points left in my day and my full weekly 35 flex points to counter act any problems that may arise in sticking to my regular daily points.

I'm getting my water in, and I will have fruits and veggies at some point today too.

One day at a time. Tracking. Not giving up...

Because I hate my current pix.
Because I want to shop in normal stores.
Because I freaking said I would do this, so I am...

Even if it's slow
Even if I hate it often
Even if I have to keep living the same failures, I will keep on...

Because one day,
I will win.

The Front

No, I didn't really want that job anyway.
No, I wasn't really into him anyway.
No, I didn't want to be involved in your wedding anyway.
No, I didn't really want to be invited to the party/vacation/happy-hour anyway.
No, I'm good to drive.
No, I'll meet you there.

Yes, I'll be fine, alone.

And in the single, solitary, deathly quiet moments drowned out by blasting music, frenetic speed, and swirling smoke, food is my companion.

Because there is no one else as reliable, available, and non-judgmental. The food doesn't have to care; it just has to be there. It might be the only thing I trust to show up for me.

And the connection is so addictive. I've never been able to break it. And I'm so worn out from trying, so hard, to keep failing.

...and now I am...

I'm up early. I'm going to work out today. I have re-logged-into weightwatchers.com to track my points and all my crazy eating. I have not been doing that and quite honestly- that is the path to success. Even with no exercise, as long as I actually track what I eat, I do pretty well.

Since hitting my 10% -- I've put back on about half of the weight I lost. It's only taken a few weeks to a month to do the damage... and it will take many more to take it off again.

But, I. remain. committed.
No matter how I may temporarily derail, I will ultimately succeed this time around.

The next big goal is the end of summer/my bday... I would LOVE to have hit my 2nd 10% loss by then. I'm not sure I can do it, but that is the goal.

I've been sort of wallowing... keeping myself busy being upset at the weight. What I should be doing instead is literally working my ass off doing something to get rid of it.

And now I am.

getting off the hamster wheel

From this past Weekend...

I bought some new clothes that made me feel better. I bought a new bathing suit, that I sort of actually like, that made me feel better. I had a fantastic weekend with friends in my new clothes and new bathing suit and I was able to forget about being fat for a little while.

Fun & friends and sunshine & sand helped it disappear from the forefront of my mind. But now, on Sunday evening, often the loneliest of the most relaxing times, I am aware that I must go back to working hard at this. And I've been aware... but I let myself slip in and out of consciousness about it... but here's the thing...(s)...

Even though I made strides recently, and I didn't deprive myself of pool and surf as I have in years past, when the guys at the party are talking about how life can't be all that bad since there are girls in bikinis around... I'm definitely not part of who they're referencing.

And even though my breasts are real, I know I'd trade them for fakes if I could get rid of the stomach fat too.

I'm reaching some kind of new level of desperation about wanting to take this weight off... and it's hindering me from actually doing so. In the simplest of terms, it's a mind-fuck. Damned from every angle. Deprivation of fun things like new clothes has not worked. Reward of fun things has not worked. All the games and tricks I play in order to find a way to force myself into doing this for me, are backfiring.

I have committed to Alli (not myself- someone else) that I will do the LB Half Marathon. I have wanted to do it for ages. And I am going to do it. But I don't want to do my laundry so that I'll have clean work-out clothes. And I've stared at the Runners High store sign on 2nd st. so many times, but have yet to go in and get new shoes. And I've aspired every day to get up and go exercise, and I haven't done it. [editorial note: this has since changed. i went for a 2-3 mile run/walk on tuesday]

I've been reminiscing about the days of the marathon when I gave up smoking and drinks of any kind... and I took on the miles instead. And I did it for charity. And that made all the difference. B/c apparently I'll do shit for someone else-- just not myself.

I feel like I am saying the same things over and over and not doing. Not doing. Not doing.

I found a Long Beach Bootcamp. And this running group called EZ8. And I have access to a million classes through 24hr fitness. I didn't sign up for Boot camp. Nor the EZ8 b/c I don't really believe I can run an 8min mile. I'm in research mode. Instead of action mode.

I'm a little sunburned. But at least I soaked up a lot of sunshine Vitamin D. And I am generally pretty happy w/ where I am. Despite my ranting here.

I am happy that I'm in a position to try all sorts of stuff. I may keep changing my mind about how or what or who is going to help me in this weight loss journey... but at least I am in a position where I can afford to keep trying new things. Selecting, and rejecting.

Nothing worth doing is ever easy. So I feel like I'm coming through the end of a rough patch about it. I have a ton of issues w/ the weight... and with what that means in this society. And my feelings on these issues are always going to be complex-- even once I get rid of the weight.

So I'm figuring out how to utilize this to keep moving forward instead of letting it keep me on the perpetual hamster wheel to nowhere.

an excerpt from the NY times

"... [N]ew research suggests that the environment that most strongly influences body composition may be the very first one anybody experiences: the womb.

According to several animal studies, conditions during pregnancy, including the mother’s diet, may determine how fat the offspring are as adults. Human studies have shown that women who eat little in pregnancy, surprisingly, more often have children who grow into fat adults. More than a dozen studies have found that children are more likely to be fat if their mothers smoke during pregnancy.

The research is just beginning, true, but already it has upended some hoary myths about dieting. The body establishes its optimal weight early on, perhaps even before birth, and defends it vigorously through adulthood. As a result, weight control is difficult for most of us. And obesity, the terrible new epidemic of the developed world, is almost impossible to cure."

from:

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Health Guide

http://health.nytimes.com/ref/health/healthguide/esn-obesity-ess.html

My old mantra: your body will forgive you; your mind never will.

So, I have determined... the efforts must be increased if I am going to see the success I want. Shortly, I am taking myself on a walk in Belmont. I believe I have a full afternoon and evening of work ahead of me, so I am taking this a.m. time to do what I need to do for my health. There will be a walk, and then there will be tea (no croissant) and journaling at Peet's Coffee on 2nd St. This is my plan.

I'm thinking about a personal trainer. I'm not really sure about the cost. It seems slightly outrageous. But then again, I'm trying to put it into perspective. These dollars spent now to help me in this effort are likely going to prevent me from having more serious health problems in the future, that will also cost $. Like major surgery kinds of $. So really, I'm saving myself money in the long-run. I hope you enjoy the rationalization... I put a lot of effort into coming up with it. ;)

Additionally... I put together my running schedule for the LB Half... at least, the "long-run" schedule...

July:
06th 2miles
13th 3miles
20th 4miles
27th 5miles
Aug:
03rd 6miles
10th 8miles
17th 4miles
24th 10miles
31st 5miles
Sept:
07th 12miles
14th 6miles
20th 14miles
28th 7miles
Oct:
5th 5miles
13th RACE DAY!

I set it up like my old marathon schedule... it could change after I do a little more reading on the half schedules. Thank god my RunnersWorld magazine is finally gonna be put to use again...

Ok, so I did the r-world reading just now, in the midst of this posting, and I used their schedule maker... and I might follow this instead... (see below). It's a little hard to read cut & pasted below, but all you may want to see is the week on the left, and the Sunday run distance on the right. The real draw of this schedule instead of mine is that it only goes up to 10miles before the race.

Wk	Dat	Mon	Tues	Weds	Thurs	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	6/30 7/6	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run : 2mi @18:22	6 miles
2	7/7 7/13	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	7 miles
3	7/14 7/20	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:22	9 miles
4	7/21 7/27	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 3mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 5mi @18:22	10 miles
5	7/28 8/3	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
6	8/4 8/10	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 2x1600@15:26 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 6mi @18:11	13 miles
7	8/11 8/17	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:21; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	14 miles
8	8/18 8/24	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:11	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:30; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 7mi @18:11	15 miles
9	8/25 8/31	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 3x1600@15:17 w/800 jogs; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	17 miles
10	9/1 9/7	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 4mi @18:00	12 miles
11	9/8 9/14	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 6mi, inc Warm; 4mi@16:20; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 8mi @18:00	18 miles
12	9/15 9/21	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:29; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:00	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @18:00	20 miles
13	9/22 9/28	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Speedwork Dist: 8mi, inc Warm; 4x1600@15:07 w/800 jogs; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 9mi @17:49	21 miles
14	9/29 10/5	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 7mi, inc Warm; 5mi@16:19; Cool	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @17:49	Rest / XT	Long Run Dist: 10mi @17:49	21 miles
15	10/6 10/12	Rest / XT	Easy Run Dist: 2mi @18:22	Rest / XT	Tempo Run Dist: 5mi, inc Warm; 3mi@16:31; Cool	Rest / XT	Rest / XT	Race Day Dist: Half-Marathon Good Luck!	20 miles

Oh my goodness there is so much at runnersworld that I don't know what to do with myself. So many plans to follow. And you know how I love a good plan or list or calendar that tells me what to do.

Here are a few of my current interests:
Your Ultimate Half-Marathon Training Plan
The Ten Rules of Weightloss
The Best Foods for Runners
Music is Motivation

I totally forgot how much I luv that website- AND how useful it is.

I'm not sure what has triggered this re-found (as opposed to new-found) inspiration... maybe its the heat & sunshine, or maybe I hit my happy hour wall, or maybe I'm just allowing myself to remember what it felt like to train for that marathon and how proud I was of myself for doing something so huge. Then again, maybe I've just hit a good hormonal level today... Who knows? But I'm going to hang onto this feeling (& attached determination) for as long as I can.

Last week, people I hadn't seen in a long time commented about how great I looked- which I thought was funny- b/c I forget I've lost a noticeable amount of weight since November-ish... but now it's time to lose another chunk of noticeable amount of weight... however I have to trick myself into it...

the shopping high

So- I went shopping yesterday. And I think instead of depriving myself of shopping all this time... I should allow it. B/c I feel WAY better about myself in clothes I like than in clothes I'm sick of having to wear b/c nothing else fits.

Also... I bought a bathing suit! And I actually LOVE it! Shocking I know.

Here's a pic of the top- the bottoms I got are also pink, and a skirt, not shorts...


I can't believe I'm so happy about my shopping outing but I am. I got lots of new fun stuff. And even though I hope to shrink and not be able to wear it all for that long... in the short-term, it's a definite confidence boost that is necessary to maintain the morale to keep up the weightloss efforts.

Also, I am really, actually, really, going to do the LB Half Marathon. I didn't sign up to train w/ the LB Beach Runners like I wanted to- they started in May. But I counted out the weeks, (you know how I love lists & calendars) and I still have enough time to gradually get up to 14miles, and taper for 2 weeks before the race. Hopefully October will be good running weather. A friend of mine is doing the Disneyland Half- so now I'll feel like a slacker if I give up this goal of mine to do the LB Half. There's nothing like faux competition to motivate a girl to put her tennis shoes on.

I've gotten kind of messy in the last 3 weeks or so. It's time to put it all back together. Unfortunately that includes a regimented schedule, and regimented eating & drinking. I'll have to come up with a plan... that I actually like...

28 going on 15

I was investigating gastric bypass sites, and tummy tuck / body contouring plastic surgery sites. Ironically, I think both the "before" AND the "after" pictures are gross.

I actually ate a bean&cheese burrito from Chano's this weekend. The fast food is fully in effect.

In a matter of 2 weeks, I've totally put on like 10 lbs. The damage is not small. Destruction. It's so much easier.

There is an article in the July issue of Marie Claire about how losing weight lost this girl all her friends... b/c she was their go-to fun person, or go-to venting person. They wanted to indulge in chocolate and wine once a week, and she was doing it virtually every day. They wanted her along for the ride to make themselves feel better, and she was happy to comply.

The LSAT studying is over. My schedule is free flowing again. And I hate it.

My dishwasher is broken... hence the fast food mentioned above.

It's too hot to run. And besides that, I don't want to.

I could type that its going to change- that with this post I am turning it all around. But really, I'm going to go to Starbucks or Peet's and get a latte and a croissant. And not exercise.

The more I learn and the more I realize how badly I really really want to do this, the less successful I seem to get.

Yesterday, I was actually thinking how great it is that food has such a huge power over me. I thought, "If I can't get the calm and the tranquility (or, the "fix") from food, I think I could really be a drug addict." I was actually thinking "Thank god the socially acceptable normal vices do the trick for me." ... Who thinks like that?

There are treatments for people with bulimia or anorexia. If there is a medical treatment for emotional over eating, I either haven't found it, or I don't accept it. When I was little, I knew I was overeating... and because you know people talk to the tweens about those 2 things, I actually thought I should try to throw up b/c I didn't fit the whole description.

The profile didn't match. And that's all any teenage girl really wants, is to fit in- with her friends, with guys, and with clothes. Diagnosis? I might be twenty-eight going on fifteen.

thankful permission

I've been re-reading some of this content here... and man was I depressed about not being able to lose the weight in the way and in the time I deemed it should be. I am really incredibly hard on myself and its just really time for that to stop.

I'm still going to struggle with this but I'm so thankful that today, I have a better perspective. Something about hitting that 10% freed me to focus on how I'm going to handle everything from here on out. It's not going to be the same. I don't want it to be.

I've had a shitty week in terms of eating- b/c I'm stressed- and I know it- and I'm allowing it this week. Next week, when the LSAT is over, I'll get it back under control.

And one day, eventually, I won't need to eat thru the stress. But today, I do. And rather than letting that upset me... I'm remaining calm in the fact that I know I can fix it next week. Permission. I have permission to not be perfect this week, and that is making all the difference in the world today.

victory

I did it. I hit my 10% mark! I got a pretty gold-ish keychain in the form of a number 10.

It was fantastic, and really anti-climatic.

I am really happy though.

But I've already moved on and have the new goal set in front of me. My next "5%" before the end of summer. Basically I want to lose another 13-15 lbs by Labor Day, which also happens to be my birthday. I'm going smaller in terms of the number attached to the goal b/c it'll feel more concrete, and less like a never-ending agonizing saga.

This is the VERY 1st time I've ever hit my 10% goal and I honestly think it's because even though I struggled the last couple of months, I finally didn't want to just give up. I had some sort of acceptance about the fact that even though it was hard and I was facing a few setbacks, I would still DO it. There was no option of "oh maybe I'll just gain all the weight back now." And I think once I eliminated some of the constraints I put on myself, is when I finally walked through it.

November to June. Approximately 30 lbs gone. It's gonna take awhile. And while I really am never going to be thrilled about that... I'm learning to accept the slowness of it.

I'm also figuring out that the final number on the scale is going to be less exciting than all the little non-scale victories along the way. And celebrating them is what's going to make this slow process tolerable... so I need to embrace them, more and more.

As long as I don't give up, it doesn't really matter how long it takes.

if it is more

Alright- I have been "reasonably" "good" about the eating this week. I have limited portions... but not of the healthiest stuff. Right now I'm eating popcorn from TJ's and am having sushi tonight for dinner.

Despite that saltiness, I "may" hit my 10% mark tomorrow. I'm under it on my home scale, but it depends on how todays eating turns out...

I'm not even going to expect it. I'm just going to show up and pray that the crazy huge gain from the wedding of 2 weekend's ago, is gone.

I remain disappointed I've let 3-4 months roll by w/o making any "real" progress. And at the same time, I'm hoping this struggle is teaching me something. I know it is although I just don't see it right now.

Do you ever get that feeling that you are poised on the brink of something? Like the little choices you make in a finite period time determine your course? Maybe it's just that I found Serendipity on tv last night, and that it makes me conjure up Sliding Doors, and that the single episode of Sex and the City I've been talking about for days came on last night, and that I felt this huge tidal wave of deja vu this morning... maybe it's just that I'm sentimental and want to add all that pop culture and randomness up to something when it's nothing ... or maybe it's more...

And if it is more, and that feeling I've got that something important is happening right now, even though nothing is happening right now... if it is more, maybe I'll soon be able to start moving forward again- in some new direction I haven't anticipated in the least...

if i had a blog, this is what it would say

I've never heard better inspiration than my own coming right back at me. (See below.) Seriously, I am not alone. And therefore, neither are any of you living with the same crap.

This is a voicemail I got last night. Sources shall remain anonymous. In any case, this is the best inspiration I've had in a long time to get myself back in gear... especially considering I broke down and went to In N Out last night when I should have been doing the same freakin thing in this message....

"Hi Paige, I'm just calling to let you know that I freaking suck at Weight Watchers and if I had a blog this is what it would say:

I went to the gym today and I could only do 15min on the stairclimber cuz I felt like CRAP cuz I ate Doritos that were left over from my ... party. So here's what I'm doing:

I'm going home and throwing the rest of the bag away in the garbage outside so I canNOT get into it unless I'm a creepy homeless person.

And I am getting up tomorrow at 5am and I'm going for a run and the reason I'm telling you this is so you can hold me accountable so feel free to call me tomorrow and see if I went for a run before work cuz hopefully I'll say yes.

Anyway hope you're doing better than me.

Actually my whole day was good until I ate the fucking Doritos- I'm so mad at myself- but anyway-

I hope you're having a good day. Sorry bout my little vent. You're worth it. Bye."

Men, these are the things that play in every woman's head at least weekly, if not daily.
We love our friends and think THEY can do great- but we don't believe in ourselves- and your society and your rules have made us that way.

We even have to apologize for it. Fuck that. I'm through apologizing. And ladies, you should be too.

Unhappy Meals

I haven't gone running. But I do have the food more on track, so far. This week, today, this hour.

But mainly, I write today so that you...

...READ THIS article from the NY Times Magazine: Unhappy Meals.

One of the best quotes from it ... "(The American Heart Association charges food makers for their endorsement.) Don’t take the silence of the yams as a sign that they have nothing valuable to say about health."

And if you just can't fathom reading the whole thing-- which makes you lazy and inept- but in any case, I still prepare for you lazy's like I often find myself -- at least scroll down to the bottom where the list (you know how I love lists) of "Beyond Nutritionism" exists.

And finally, the ice cream truck is rolling by my house. Weren't they already a throw back in the 70s and 80s? How is it they still exist?

finding the fabulous

These are the titles from the month of May...

• unperfect
• it's only me
• almost everything
• commitment I've never had before
• "my version"
• change before you have to
• Fri nights, no more ...
• the pieces
• soy milk
• skewed

It's so fitting. No pun intended. I've been twisting and swinging over some really lovely decisions. I hate decision-making. I am an information gatherer and collector and I can argue any side of an argument... and some of them have been pretty colorful lately. But having to decide things, for myself, creates an immense internal pressure to not be wrong. To not screw it up. I don't know what I think will happen if I do... certainly I can't think the world is going to end... but that's sort of how I feel about my "life" decisions.

And it is affecting my weight-loss in a serious way. Those days are over. For now. This week.
Today.

I'm using June 1st as a clean slate to start again. To revive my efforts. I wanted to try out "core" and that just doesn't fit w/ my lifestyle yet... so I'm going back to the point-counting... and will do my best to eat whole, organic foods, even if they cost me more in points (/calories, etc).

I AM getting up to go running at 7am, and then to 24Lift at 8am. That's the goal. If I do just 1 of those things... or, let's be honest- if I walk out the door w/ tennis shoes on before 8am, I'll be happy. I need the exercise back in my life. I need it to feel good. I need it to inspire me. I need it to be grateful I can do it... even when I don't want to get off my couch, or out of bed.

And I need it to ban the smoking forever... I will not be tempted if I know I need to run in the a.m. ...

I want to be back on track. And I've got it in my head... but now I've got to execute...

unperfect

Earlier in the week, my home scale said exactly the same weight it had when i was OH so close to my 10%... and in a matter of 3 days- I've added 6lbs. Now, some of that may be catching up to me from the wedding weekend over memorial day wknd... but really- I think its the last 3 days.

I've been in a total funk. I ordered cpk pick-up and not my lovely normal salad- no I went all out w/ the thai chicken pizza, and an order of the hummus. I actually put myself into a food coma. I haven't had a binge like that in quite some time. I was really, incredibly, super full. But I kept going. It forced me into sleep.

I am figuring out that I'm really incapable of coping w/ any real emotions. I'm not wired to handle it. Food is the only way I know how. And that has been ingrained in me from an extremely early age.

Sometimes I can fight it. For various extended periods of time. Sometimes "I'm being good" ... but when I'm not, man, look out. Destruction here I come. Six lbs is conquerable. I've conquered 25 or so in the past. But even as I type that- I don't really want anything healthy in my house- I want Starbucks.

I'm swinging. That's what I do. From one end of the spectrum to the other. If I can't be perfect at it- well then fuck that and watch how unperfect I can get at it. I didn't order a salad- well then I'm going to order food for 5 people.

I won't hang my clothes up b/c I hate them. They represent a kind of personal daily hell. I would live in sweats if I could. And I sort of do these days.

There are various triggers. Right now I'm looking at fear, stress, & anxiety over the unknown. Tests. Freaking tests. My bridesmaid dress that didn't really fit after all. Or, maybe it did, but it was still 3x the size of all the others on the hangers. I could probably literally have made 2 or 3 dresses out of my single one. Never being the one they want.

Never being the one they want. Always standing in the shadow. I know how to take a stage... but I find the loudest, craziest, prettiest friends to stand behind. Or I will become that- loud & crazy, if I can get cynical with you about how you're going to hook up w/ my friend, but I'll still outdrink you. And then I'm your buddy, and you adore me- b/c you know, for sure, I'm not interested. B/c I'm only interested in drinking- not you. I won't give you the chance to shut me down.

I show up to places alone. I am the friend, never the girlfriend. Or, even better, I am the hook-up, often secret, and never ever worth publicly saying "Hey, I'm with her" ... and thank god I can blame that on the fat b/c how devastated would I be if I couldn't?

And ya- none of this is really about losing weight. Except it all is. I had some success. And now I'm stuck b/c god forbid I keep succeeding. What will I do if I lose my excuse for not having the things I want? I can't imagine the pain.

I see myself sloppy drunk- fall down drunk- as a skinny girl.

B/c I won't know how to function when I fail. Right now, I've got a pretty decent status quo going and I am terrified that if I disrupt it too much... I'll lose.

And at the same time, I really don't have too much to lose... except the weight.

it's only me

I have never been someone to stand in front of the mirror and obsess about my flaws or imperfections. Its enough for me to know they're there... I don't need to scrutinize them. I've never been bulimic, and clearly not anorexic. But I am an obsessive emotional eater. And today, for some reason, I found myself standing naked in front of a mirror and assessing, in what I thought was an objective manner; but that can't really be true.

There are actually fistfuls of fat circling my body. I wondered what it would be like to be a thin, non-fat, normal person. How much more energy would I have? How many more places would I walk? How much more fun would I have shopping if I weren't forced to stick to shoes & make-up? How many more guys might actually be interested in me? How interesting and incomprehensible is it that any even are? How more active might I be? What if I weren't too heavy to go sky-diving? What kind of style would I really have? What does it cost to have a surgery to remove all the fat? I wonder if the lap-band limit would work? Would it stop me from eating? Would it make me an alcoholic like all the people who go on Oprah after having that done? What bra size do I really have if I don't count the fat? How will I ever get rid of all of this fat stuck to me? And if I do- how will I ever get myself toned? Can I ever be a normal person- will I ever stop being obese?

It's all a mask and I use it well. The fat is my excuse- for everything. Why I don't have any single thing I might, even someday, want. Because god forbid I fail. God forbid I'm not good enough. It's ok to handle all the rejection, and all the failure, and all the not-being-good-enough, so long as I have the fat to blame. But it's only me if I get rid of the fat. And I don't know how to be that lonely and that vulnerable. I don't want to give up my shield.

almost everything

My new fridge has arrived! Apparently it was JUST overdue...
Now, I knew I needed a new one... I'd been shopping...
But the heatwave put my poor ol lil overworked refurbished fridge to rest.

It was time for a brand new one and while I AM very excited about it... I'm really irritated I had to toss almost the entire contents of the old one.

However- this provides me a fantastic excuse to start fresh again w/ only super healthy contents. The fridge delivery man told me I shouldn't shop again until tomorrow when the temps have leveled out... however... I wanna go NOW! But I will wait (lest I waste even more $) ... but I am making a super organized and methodical list of meals, and ingredients.

I did have SO much in my freezer that I was never going to eat. So, it is good I can start anew and only buy what I will REALLY use... all in good time.

Ahh the babbling over fridge/freezer logistics. I'm just so happy to have a normal QUIET fridge again. It was so loud it was actually keeping me awake at night. Thank god its gone! My nerves!

In other news, I went shopping for the 1st time in a LONG time. I bought a fun new dress and beachy skirt- it made me happy.

I also had my last fitting for my bridesmaid dress yesterday. It fits. It actually looks pretty good, I think. It's a really pretty dress and I don't hate it, or hate being in it. I do wish I'd worked on toning up my arms, but oh well. Thank god I lost the weight I did, even if its not ALL I wanted to lose... b/c it really would've been a prob if I hadn't.

I'm having a mental disconnect lately. There are these little pieces of me... professional me, sexy me, studious me, athletic me, etc. and I have a vision of outfits for each of those girls and I get really frustrated when I can't execute them the way I want to. I live in a state of hiding out. I won't get dressed up. I won't do my make up or hair or anything b/c I feel like if I can't look the way I want to, what's the point. But it all comes back to that all-or-nothing problem I have. I feel like putting the work into looking nice is worthless. But that is not really true... b/c just doing the simple things like straightening my hair and putting some make-up on make me feel like a normal person and so I should do those things if for no other reason than to build confidence.

I have this problem with feeling like doing the work to have things not turn out perfectly is not worth doing the work. It is a general principle governing my actions and it needs to change. I don't know how yet.

This weekend at my weigh-in I gained 0.2 lbs. Which, I now know is definitely connected to the period. Typically, that equals a 2-3 lb. gain. So I'm pretty ok w/ the .2 gain this week-- even though I was pissed about it this weekend. But that's the thing- I was pissed about it this weekend and I derailed off my core organic eating b/c even though my head knew better- my heart felt like "what's the fucking point?"

And I feel that way about so much these days... almost everything... so it is difficult to rally. I know how to ... I just can't seem to make myself want to on a consistent basis.

Right now, I am excited about restocking my new fridge w/ healthy yummy food. But I don't know how to work thru the next thing that is going to set me off and make me upset that I have to "live the good life" in order to actually live the good life.

commitment I've never had before

I weigh-in tomorrow morning for the first time in a long time REALLY expecting to have lost... and to have hit my 10% goal. And if you don't know by now, you should learn my opinion about expectation-- it is the root of all heartache.

Anyhow, I started this, for real, in November. I wasn't working that hard at it until then... or maybe not at all... so 6 months. 30 lbs. That's a 5lb/month average... which is about 1.25 lbs/wk.
Realistically, I could have hit this mark in February or March- if I hadn't developed various mental blocks about it. And worked a little harder, and more consistently. If I had- it would've been 30 lbs. over 4 months- averaging 7.5 lbs/month- at 1.8 lbs/wk.

If I can continue to fall somewhere in between those 2... lets say an average of 1.5 per week... from my current weight, I'll reach the 100s in 44 weeks, or 11 months. That'll be 199. So my goal to get to 160, will still take me from May 09 to the end of next year, probably. But at that point, I'll look and feel SO much better. At that point it'll be about 100 lbs gone. At that point, summer will be coming again and maybe I'll actually buy a new bathing suit. Its not going to happen this summer, but it's ok b/c I'm still working at it... slowly, and maybe not even steadily, but with a commitment I've never had before...

I really truly expect to hit that mark tomorrow and I'm not gonna lie- I'm going to be pretty upset if I do not... but I'll still know, it's just 1 more week away. But each week, I want to continue to see that measured progress. I've done pretty well w/ the food this week - and each day it is a struggle to make the small proper choices- dressing on the side please, etc etc.

And its just so hard to keep doing the "right" things if you don't see the payoff. So I'm really hoping tomorrow it all comes together for me- and I get my super cheezy 10% keychain that will probably break in a week... but I want it.

And really wanting things is so hard for me - I don't trust. I don't believe they will happen for me. I used to... and somewhere along the way, I lost that. usc drama, men, friends... I've got to let go. I've got to accept the fact that the past could've been any different, and forgive myself.

I don't really know how to do that- but I'm working on it.

"my version"

Here is a current full body shot. Ya- its a sideturn w/ a baggy jacket- but I think its a reasonable representation of my current status...
I'm growing my hair long- and trying to keep it straight- b/c I think I look thinner that way. I am so lame. :)

Also- I'm already down on my home scale for the week. I've been sticking to "my version" of the WW "Core Plan" and I think its going pretty well. It does require eating at home more- but I'm ok w/ that. And I am gonna sign up for more Hipcooks classes.

Lindsey came and made stuffed green bell peppers w/ me on Sunday. SO yummy- we stuffed w/ a ground turkey concoction. They are only 3 points- but also core. I made the leftover turkey mix into a sort of healthy sloppy joe w/ some frozen whole wheat buns I'd had on Monday and I'm throwing the last little bit into pasta today. I hate leftovers- I'm so proud of myself.

I have a little list of things to pick up at the store today: chocolate soy milk, apples, bananas, grapes, low-sodium popcorn, whole wheat tortillas & salsa ... and to stock up on: my new faves- organic apple granola cereal, pom-green tea & kettle-brewed green-white tea...

I think it's going to be ok. I think I can change the bad stuff and even eventually get pretty good at the good stuff.

Also- for everyone not commenting here and emailing instead :) I really appreciate all of your messages. I'm glad you can relate.

change before you have to

I lost 2.4 lbs this week- which counts for the last 2 weeks since I didn't really weigh-in last week. I am 0.6 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been struggling to hit since the end of Feb/Mar.

I am almost there... and I should be able to hit it next Saturday at my regular meeting.
There are some factors to consider though. One is that I've started blood pressure medication, and a daily vitamin. I'm not sure what effect this will have on my day-to-day weight. I have however quit smoking and quit using salt on anything and have avoided eating foods out that may have high salt contents- so that should all work in my favor. I've increased pom/green tea & white/green tea & water consumption... which should also help. The period is always a monthly factor with the scale and I'm never quite sure about when that one's gonna take it's toll. And aside from the pure science- I could go off the psychological deep end about it and sabotage myself since I am SO freakin close to success. I am trying to be really aware of all of these factors- and accept them, and still maintain that come hell or high water, I WILL lose those 0.6 THIS week.

I know organic core plan living is not going to come easy for me. Much as I want to do the core plan, I think what I am actually going to be doing is still counting points while eating *mostly* core foods. I'm not sure I'm totally there yet. I really like my organic apple granola cereal - which- while healthy- is higher in calories, so, more point-y, and not totally core b/c of some of the brown rice sugars in it. Core is almost a sort of sugar busters diet and I may not be ready to cut all sugar- I may only be ready to choose the "healthier" sugars. I'm not going to go so far to the extreme that I give up entirely. I have been pretty full since starting this so I think I am choosing better foods that have MUCH more nutritional value and satiety- levels...

Up for tackling this week: eliminating extra sugar-y alcoholic beverages & exercising daily.

Fri nights, no more ...

I am signing up for the Long Beach Half Marathon...

Beach Runners

is the organization I'm signing up with. Training is on Saturdays at 7am. It's already started but the kick-off party is not until Wed. 5/14... so I can still join.

The ICB LB 1/2 Marathon will be held on Sunday October 12th --> mark your calendars!

I went in for my 1st physical in a long long time just before the marathon training around Sept 05. But I went to more of a sports doctor- not a GP, and not an internist. And while I really liked that doc- and would totally recommend him- and went to his office for PT for a random kickball mishap w/ my knee-- that Dr. was not totally what I needed.

This time around- I know more. First of all, I know what I'm getting myself into. That was not true w/ the full marathon. God- no one knows what 26.2 is unless you've done it.

But 13.1 miles is WAY more manageable. And even as I say that- I remember a 12 mile run in which I wanted to lay down near Griffith Park in valley until dusk. But I didn't - I kept going. And I'll do that here and now. And Long Beach, typically, has great running weather- even in the summer. As long as you're out there early enough.

And apparently I need the threat of pain to get me out the door to exercise. I WILL run 2x a week b/c I can't show up to my Saturday training run and let the other people down by dragging. You just have to keep up.

I also remember when knocking out 8miles early on Sat a.m. was "easy breezy" - granted it was Fall in the Marina and not so hot as this will be... but this will only be 13- instead of 26. Once I get those 8 back- I'll be in good shape. Getting up to the 8 again is whats going to take some work...

New shoes are in order. Hurray!

the pieces

I'm really sleepy & sliding into caffeine withdrawal. I need some black tea.

I had organic apple granola cereal & nonfat milk sprinkled w/ some ground flaxseed.
I had a cup of pomegranate green tea / juice.

I also had an organic peanut butter granola bar- the least healthy of all the items... but a girl's gotta start somewhere.

I am soon pouring some kettle brewed green & white tea and I'm not gonna lie- I may still need the starbucks iced black coffee to get me thru.

It's gonna go like this. The caffeine... is gonna help get me thru the sugar & nicotine withdrawals. When it comes time to get rid of the caffeine, WAY down the road, it's gonna get ugly. But hopefully I'll be a waaay healthier girl by then and will be stronger to handle it.

I didn't buy the stevia at the store. I contemplated it. I had it in my cart... but I have a whole box of splenda in my house and I just feel bad throwing that away. I need to bake something to use it all up- and give it away. Then I can, with a peaceful mind, go get the stevia.

I've reviewed some of the core plan on the WW website. I forgot deli meats are not included. So, I'll just have to order the chicken breast at subway or togo's today. That will not be organic, but we're working on baby steps here.

I also don't think I bought nearly enough of the brown rice/couscous family of stuff-- I'll need more of that.

I think also that maybe hipcooks shouldn't be my rewards. I'm thinking maybe that hipcooks should be part of my life so that I can get better at experimenting and trying new stuff and having fun in my kitchen.

This is going to be a crucial element to doing this successfully-- cooking.

I think my go-to meal over the summer is going to be grilled chicken and veggie skewers. It's easy- I can make it w/o screwing it up, and I like it a lot.

I have done this. I have gotten myself to this place. And I am the only one who can get myself out of it.

soy milk

Alright folks, remember November? It was all shiny and new... and I was so optimistic. I ventured into "dark and twisty" land but I'm working my way back to shiny and happy.

Today I had a "complete" physical. I will spare you the details of all the tests that entails but let me assure you, it was in fact, complete. My health is emerging as a focal point of my life. Central to every aspect of everything. Understand some of what you get here will be too detailed, and some of it will be super glossy.

Nevertheless, it is all significant and impacting the weight loss journey.

~ I have high blood pressure- I'm going back on medication for this.
~ I have "possibly" a fatty liver- I am severely limiting my alcohol.
~ My lungs first had the age of a 50 yr old, then the age of a 36 yr old (after inhaler)-- yes, I've already quit, but I'm quitting smoking, again.

And these are just the highlights... I don't even have blood work back yet.

I am changing my diet. The goal is to eventually go organic. I'm testing it out right now. I also need to eat NO salt whatsoever and that is going to be a big adjustment for me.

Weight Watchers has a program called "core" ... its a little different than "points" ... and starting Saturday, that's what I'll be doing. I'm starting it now, but still watching the points b/c its difficult to make a switch like this mid-week. Core involves lean meats, whole grains, nonfat dairy, fruits & veggies, etc. You do not have to "count"- you just have to eat foods that are "core"... and this has ALWAYS been difficult for me b/c I eat so much processed food. And restaurant food. And lean cuisines. And alcohol. Etc etc.

But I've already gone grocery shopping. I am fully stocked and prepared to undertake this. I'm not gonna lie-- it's going to be REALLY hard for me. I am totally hooked on refined and processed sugars. I am going to go through withdrawal and I am prepared for that. It's not going to be cute. I get 35 points in a week for non-core foods. Which, I need for food, not beverages. For example, to count the bread in a turkey sandwich... So I need to plan for that.

But basically, I need an overhaul. This is just a small piece of everything going on with me. But I am overhauling my life... and it is only going to be for the better. In November, I was so quickly successful w/ WW b/c it was new and interesting to me still and I was motivated. I'd been on the verge of losing that until I had an awakening w/ my doctor.

I would like to live to a ripe healthy old age and I am not anywhere on that path right now. Right now I'm headed for a heart attack or stroke at 30 and the reality of that - not just the talk but real cold hard truth of that- is finally starting to sink and settle in with me.

The motivation is back!
I'm not about to let my lifestyle steal my life from me.

skewed

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): If anyone chastises you for focusing small, you'll have the last laugh. It's the details that make or break your project. -- LA Times 5/5/08

That's my horoscope for today. Of COURSE it is.

I didn't walk- and I didn't weigh-in this weekend. Don't worry, I'm going bright and early Monday a.m.- oh wait, that's now.

I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little. I'm not really sure as I haven't been stepping on my home scale. As of the middle of last week, I was down... but things change in an instant.

A phone call. Good news or bad. A missed deadline. Getting unexpectedly sucked back into anticipation and hoping-- only to realize again you were right to be jaded in the first place.

"Expectation is the root of all heartache"

"Forgiveness is accepting that the past could have been any different"

Well I've stopped expecting, and I don't really forgive much either.

Researching a hypothetical death. It should've been Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles.

I think I'm counting points. So worthless- oh wait- that's what might keep me alive longer. Pay attention.

I'm hungry right now. What if I just had a cigarette and a tall drink of water instead? A glass of water won't quench the thirst alone.

"I think I will stay the same- or maybe gain a little." ... not weight, perspective.

I already don't want to go though

So, I am up a little bit after this weekend's weigh-in... but effectively, I am down about 2.5 per week for the last 2 weeks. At least, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. I knew that 7lb loss couldn't be sustained.

However, I am exactly, precisely 3 lbs away from my 10% goal that I have been trying to hit, well, forever, but more specifically since March. I am going to work really hard this week. I just made a fresh batch of iced green tea. I bought WW 2 point bars which are so yummy. I have not restocked my fridge- but I think I'm ok for the week... I need to actually USE what I have. Which is always my problem.

I really want to go running every morning this week but I have a lot of work in front of me this and that tends to take over sometimes. We will see. Honestly any exercise at this point would be better than what is occuring now, so I'm gonna go with that. Maybe I'll start w/ just a walk. That seems more attainable right now.

If I get too busy- I need to go to the store and stock up on lean cuisines. That will get me thru. It's the time, effort, and mess, of cooking that often deters me. I need to prepare for dinners. Or defer to Subway. Evenings are also busy. Mon-kickball. Tues/Thurs- Kaplan LSAT class. Wed- showing property/working. Fri- Shabbat engagement dinner. Fri will actually require extra planning. I am attending Persian Shabbat dinner in Beverly Hills for an engagement celebration and I have no idea what food I will be faced with. And as that is the night before weigh-in, I must be particularly conscious of salt intake as well. At least I have it in mind in advance.

I think the a.m. walking will be the way to go- but that will also require me to get to bed early, despite these evening activities- as my days are pretty packed this week. I even have to go to court on Friday to confirm a sale ... which is also not part of my norm routine.

Thinking about all of this in advance is good- but still isn't going to get me where I need to be. I must plan, each day, the day before, in order to truly succeed this week.

Also, I wrote a really emotional post last night, which quite honestly, no one needs to read- not even me. But the essence of it is that I am a really emotional eater and I have got to learn how to get that under control. It is currently my go-to coping mechanism and I must get past that at some point.

Again, I think the walking in the a.m.'s will help. I already don't want to go though.